Essay; He asks, “Do you show your cleavage?”


zooskI’m not renewing when this subscription is up. Bunch of losers. Isn’t there enough porn online without treating good women who are looking for good company like prostitutes?

Once again, he’s pretty good looking, has a good job, blah, blah, blah. Butters me up and says, “Hi beautiful”. I haven’t met this chap in person yet. I’m not a prude once I like someone but you guys make a huge mistake not just hiring a prostitute for a hookup and wasting the time of good, smart women. If you are a slut, have no self-esteem and are an active addict, do us a favor and leave us alone. You need to hire a woman. We don’t want you because you don’t want yourself.

He wants mostly sex pictures and to talk because he’s lonely away from home at his job site. He asked to see my cleavage today, which is perfectly fine and adequate by the way. MY MIND is even better but he’s not interested in that. Haven’t you guys gotten the memo that the human mind is the biggest sex organ? He can take my word for it. Not even so much as a “Howdy ma’am” or “How are you?” Just, right to the point of his buttering me up. He’s toast and I’ll give him his butter back to put on it.

Essay; A Woman Changing Her Body Size


zoosk
ZOOSK.

We all know it’s a power and culture issue for a woman or man to change in body size; smaller or bigger. Think about what that says about human behavior. We’re animals. Animal dominance in the wild is based on size, usually, the bigger one being dominant. But that’s not the case in human society because the demands in our environment to survive are different than animals in the wild.

In human society, youth and speed are prized as well as flexibility, at least by the white culture. I’ve noticed on Zoosk that the handsome white men don’t chat me up and they have fairly desirable characteristics. After talking to my friend Gia who is black, she told me she thought I was black. She’s only seen my pictures, not me in person. But it is definitely true that black men have predominantly been attracted to me throughout my life and on Zoosk. I thought it was caused by my personality being a strong woman, not my body size or look. I think I was wrong. My skin is pretty white. I guess my features aren’t. Chalk one up for denial.

I love the black culture but I was raised as whitey white as can be! I don’t fit well in the white culture though. I grant everyone that. Still, three of my best friends are white women and three of my other besties are black. I guess I’m culturally both!

I’ve noticed that handsome white men prefer soft, docile blonde women and everyone else goes for dark-haired, strong women. So Arab, Indian, and Black men chat me up on FB but not Hispanic men. What’s that about? They are more macho I think and prefer a traditional hetero role for women while they’re free to run about? I really don’t know. I’ve never been married to or dated a Hispanic man but my twin flame is Hispanic. Is he dragging his feet because our cultures are so different?

He made a comment while I was out there, “I’m as Mexican as can be ya know. I’m not like a white man.” What the hell is that supposed to mean O enlightened one? I don’t care about that. I like the Hispanic culture too! My breasts are female and adequate and men are men. You would think that would suffice? Then there’s the fact that he is Spanish heritage based on his last name so he is European! He looks it too. Sheesh. So he doesn’t have any feelings for me because to HIM, I’m white and he definitely rags on the white culture? Maybe. I can’t win. Then he’s not awake. I hate all of this human superficiality so much and really, never paid any attention to it growing up so I think I’m behind on what “I’m supposed to know”. I never wanted to get married so I didn’t pay any attention! That and my family accepted all different cultures; especially my grandparents.

I don’t know what changing body size is going to say about me culturally but I resent being aware of it at all! I just wanted to be healthier. I don’t want to believe I will all of a sudden be acceptable in the white culture because I’m thin and beautiful but I think that is how superficial people are. And then will I be resented by my black friends in whose culture it’s expected that women are fluffy? And to my twin flame, god only knows.

Size bias and culture are fascinating and I have no answers. I just see the behaviors and find it odd. I’m getting too many comments about my looks on social media as opposed to my content. Makes me mad. That doesn’t happen to men. I’m happy to hear your comments and I’m going to stop thinking about it. I will be taking notes though as I shrink and I am shrinking fast.

I’ll have to come up with a way to give a verbal boundary. No doubt, it will make me sound like a grumpy bitch but I don’t care. I think people need to be made aware of their double standard comments regarding looks for women and men and cut it out. What about humans loving each other no matter what??

Essay; So, The Men Are Just Being Friendly


zoosk

It doesn’t mean anything. When they have sex with you, they’re just being friendly! I just woke up to this and cannot stop laughing over my espresso. All the trouble they have to go through to just to be friendly with a woman! “Why do we make it so complicated?!” they cry. Lmao. And I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.

Oh my. Why do they have to bother with the fake romance and talking, and caring, and buying a drink and the lying about not seeing anyone else? Why do women have to be so human and want to bond and have a relationship? I actually don’t want a relationship with a man. Why would I pine for something that they’re not capable of? Earth is a fallow garden for us. Sex with no love. Oh yeah. Troll sex. No thanks.

I’m back to Rajesh and Penny from Big Bang Theory. Penny says, “Look, sex can ruin a friendship. I just want to go back to just being friends.” (big audience sigh which I hate bc it shows empathy for the fragile male ego but not the love and bonding needs of the female which are noble and elevate the sex bond). Rajesh says, “You can’t ruin a friendship with sex! That’s like ruining chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.” Sex with a woman is analogous to ice cream with sprinkles. There ya have it! And we’re at “Blues Clues” level or maybe Romper Room. Where’s my loot bag from the birthday party? Really guys? Yeah…really. They seem to be set at any emotional level from 2 years old to 18 years old but not very far past adolescence. The ones at the adolescence stage are angry and clever, maybe a bit crazy. If women are going to hobnob with straight men, we really need to accept this state of affairs because that’s their brain set up!
But Penny gets her way. In this scenario, he doesn’t rape her but all over the world, if a woman says “No” to a request, desire, or demand for sex she’s raped. The least that you’ll get is anger and then dissing. Am I good at sex? Hell yes. But you’re not going to find out if you aren’t truly warm and loving to me!!!! Couple that with being a smart ass about it and I’m toast.
If Rajesh was a criminal or they were in another country, Penny would not have been safe at all. This is what women have to look out for constantly with men. It’s documented in a couple books I have, one great one written by the reviled and scapegoated Hillary Clinton called “The Hillary Doctrine”. Fabulous book.

The Hillary Doctrine

I was just punished by my date! He reeled me in, didn’t get his way, and his way was unreasonable because he wanted me to travel in a snowstorm at midnight just for sex, and dropped me like a hot potato. I hope he suffers something now and I didn’t even have a second date with him. He’s f*d up to do that to a Goddess like me.

And with that, men hurl because, in order to keep us accessible at your level, you have to treat us like manipulative hoes and bitches, which in truth, none of us are. We are protecting ourselves from our proven predators. All women are Goddesses. The Gods can’t even create life. They need Mother Spirit who is the Mother of us all. But she is silenced on the planet and mortal men who would be gods and superheroes tamper with real powers of creation that reside only in the female and do not honor or protect her heart or her power because they are jealous of what they can never be; creators of life. But the men will deny their emasculating admiration for her as long as possible. For that, it’s likely the species will end once again.

Essay; This is Why I Hate Dating Using Social Media


zooskI paused my Zoosk account tonight. I’m getting so many guys viewing me and interested in meeting me who are not desirable; such as bad hygiene, covering how they look with a hat and sunglasses which is highly suspect, looking overly affectionate with their dogs and almost ready to take their pants off. I even changed my screen name so I wouldn’t sound like a pushover. I can’t believe how many lecherous trolls are on there! What are most of the cute ones doing? And the good ones won’t talk to me no matter how many smiles I put up. Or maybe they’re looking for women who are not pretty but slutty and ugly. I hear guys like that. Yeah, very likely. It’s also likely the cute ones are married or have girlfriends and are slumming online for what I just mentioned. Again, the novelty thing.

I’m not going to convince a guy who is shy or scared or too dumb to talk to women to talk to me. For what? My date, who is not my fella ignored my communication. My intuition tells me he’s an asshole that wanted me to jump and come have sex with him right away because he invited me to. When I said no, that nixed everything. God, that’s desperate and dysfunctional. The gaul of me to say I needed to sleep and work in the morning! And that’s the last I heard from him. My sense is he had a girlfriend back at his other place and was trying to cheat on the side. Again, he was too cute to be single. That’s why he wanted me to come right away; the excitement of it. No predictability.

He admitted he had a previous alcohol problem and doesn’t feel he deserves his lovely daughter so my intuition tells me there is a control problem there. If a woman doesn’t come when he shouts, like a dictator, he cuts her head off? Yeah, no. He’s off my list in a big way. I deleted him from my connections.

And just like that, men turn on you. It’s sex or nothing WHEN they want it. Who died and made them god? Women, just…do NOT have any romantic fantasies about men. They are very limited, feel guilty, addicted, and the list goes on. There are a lot of stray dogs out there. Don’t carry around any raw meat.

 

 

Essay; Women Can Be Loving with Sexual Energy But Only if It’s Reciprocated


zooskToday the rubber meets the road and as I was working out, Spirit got to me. Some say God or Source. I pride myself on listening for spiritual guidance so that I’m always in my power and integrity so that’s what some of this information is. If it’s not true for you, just leave it be.

My intuition was very strongly scoping out my body this morning which it’s been doing lately. I sensed that most of the time women take energy from the man in the form of seed (sperm) or money but I don’t think we love as often as we could. Of course, we have our own money but women that marry a man do so mostly for his sperm so she can have their child (pure love) and his money (to support that pure love). In that, he is viewed as successful but men shouldn’t have to be defined just by that just as women aren’t. It’s rarely really loving. I say this from talking to many women who rarely express love for their man the way they do their children. Many women withhold their heart love from sex because the man doesn’t stimulate it with human intimacy. I’m not sure women are aware of it but I know I’ve done it because I resent that men don’t love from heart energy. I think that’s why in my 20’s I kept falling in love with gay men. Straight men don’t love the same way women do! It’s not their fault that they’re more simple. They love from first chakra or just sexual energy, their stomach, and from their minds. (Chakras 7, 3, and 1 or mind, power and food and sex) Women are more centered in chakras 6, 5, 4, and 2 or intuition, speaking and communicating, heart love and feelings. Gay men are too.

Tree with intuitive human

The sacral chakra or chakra two is right below the navel. This is the emotions center, conception, and THE center of creation and love on the planet in the woman’s body. Men don’t have the same energy in chakra 2. Being a woman, I know I cover my belly, hold in my procreative energy and sexual energy there for myself because society doesn’t give me any. I don’t release it during sex unless I’m feeling particularly empowered from within and feel that the man I’m with deserves it because he loves me.

On this planet, it takes a phenomenal amount of energy for a woman to love herself by herself. We’re not taught by any institution or any part of society to love ourselves alone. Women that are internally strong are called witches, freaks, or weird. My patient called me weird yesterday when I told her I was very intuitive. Good ole’ Grand Rapids. That would be me and I’m none of those things. As Lady Gaga says, “I was born this way”.

My oldest sister has always called me a freak though but she’s jealous because she’s more normal than she’d like. Hey, if you’re not willing to do the work and willing to pay the price of being exceptional in a mediocre driven society, I’m sorry.  Hardly any women love themselves from within because you’ll be a social outcast. I’m just being the way I was born to be and I refuse to adjust. It’s not like I’m rich from being this way but I sure need to make more than I do.

Well, my male friend from another state is most definitely in touch with me and was not crazy about me being on Zoosk at all. I don’t know why yet. I wasn’t crazy about his harems and extreme flirtations with women either so I set the boundaries. What’s good for the goose is good for the gander. The truth is, now that I’m 56 if a man my age still prides himself on the number of women he can f* and needs that, I don’t care. It’s just defecation to him, it’s troll behavior and hurting him more than me not to love a woman or accept it from her. I love at all times.

I’m not sure what he’s up to or why he wants t talk to me. People have said they feel comfortable being themselves around me; not fake. That’s because I tell the truth which seems to be lost in the world of men no matter where you find them or what level of character they are.

 

Essay; With No Contact, The Attraction Wears Off


zooskI believe studies have shown this about women. The initial hormone high of attraction falls away if there is no contact, no talking (hearing his voice), you don’t see him and you receive no communication. That has been the case here. Because I’m intuitive, that has all kicked in very strong and I recommend following your intuition to women when it comes to these situations. Reason being, your body, and brain send certain signals based on ancestral DNA and successful reproduction in terms of sexual attraction and your soul intuition sends another. It’s unfortunate that the two are not always on the same track but I can tell you they are not.

I texted him and left one call regarding my Zoosk account getting hacked and being paused. I have heard nothing back. If a man isn’t as active on the account after he meets you, that’s a sign that he’s focused on you, but he was back on and not contacting me directly. Then I assume he was out in the alley again but I don’t know for sure. Ok! I wasn’t. I was watching him. What I know about men is, if they have not had sex with you and they don’t think they’re going to have sex with you in the immediate future, they have absolutely no motivation for communicating with you past the first date. 

 

There is no way two people can value each other as human beings after only one date or even a couple dates! That means women, that even if you wait for a couple dates to have sex with him, there is no way you’re setting a tone for a relationship, love, or bonding to happen and he will continue to be an alley dog, learning nothing, and finding any b…. he fancies online who will give it to him quickly. That is men’s nature. They are not to be judged for that. I’m making the point that if you want something different and he seems like a man to reproduce with or love, you cannot have sex with him right away. He needs self-discipline, not indulgence. If he shows no interest then and moves on, just because you wouldn’t have sex, he was not your reproduction type anyway. And usually, a man will say up front that he IS looking for a relationship which could mean several things. Mostly, he may want children and a home. Men want that too. Just know that he will be a softer, more domesticated type and not as virile.

My situation is somewhat different because I’m not looking for a man to reproduce with. However, it’s the same in that I only want bonded sex, not alley sex. I need love with a man to be turned on and that is absolutely how I’m wired. I’m monogamous and want a lover but I don’t like marriage. I know who I already love and who I want to share myself with for the second half of my life; my twin flame. But he’s not communicating with me very much or at least he’s not initiating at the moment and lives 1800 miles away. For me, it’s a matter of being patient because I know what’s going on with him. What I can tell you is that he is very strong in my psychic, etheric space and that really counts with Twin Flames. So why am I on Zoosk? I’m testing myself and the energy. I also want to hang out and date to be social. I like men.

man and woman talkingAnother thing about women is our sexual interest has everything to do with a man’s voice and how he talks to us. It just is. This is huge for men to accept if any of you are reading this. Maybe women are different on this but I don’t think so. I think all women are very strongly affected by the tone of voice and sincerity of voice from a man. We can tell when you’re lying which is most of the time. If you are an honest man and tell the truth, that is very sexy and very impressive. Just don’t say, “Yeah, I think you ARE fat! And by the way, your ass is big!” lolololol. My male friend in another state who I text and talk with said to me, “We lie because it works!” I said, “No it doesn’t! We can always tell and then you come down a few notches to us and have less chance of sex with us.” He must be referring to lying working on women that aren’t too bright. Don’t get me started on that.

It’s a good thing I really love my single life and have made a life for myself. Dealing with men is really so much gaming and brain mush. My Zoosk fellow is still up north for the week working. The weather in Michigan has been “stay off the roads!”. He told me he would be gone for a week after our first date. Maybe when he’s done with his project he’ll contact me. I honestly don’t care that much and have no emotion invested in him because he’s not talking to me. Men are unpredictable. I still think he’s super cute but we’ll have to have a second date and see how the vibe is since he wouldn’t talk to me all week. And maybe I’m not that interested now. I’m unpredictable too. This is the dance we do. Just don’t chase him, women! Let him come to you. Again, think of a dog and how you’d deal with one. My son’s father is the one that made me accept that visual. I would never suggest that about men but that’s because I’m idealistic. Now that I’m middle-aged I’m realistic.

 

Essay; There is Pressure on Women to Hold Ourselves in Higher Esteem


“Women, love and honor yourself even if by the societal view you are a freak, brilliant, ugly or super beautiful, fit or not fit. If you’re not average, other women will be jealous and you’ll need to live with that.”

zoosk

The reason being, in truth, every woman is a goddess. Some women feel and know this and many more don’t and are very dependent as opposed to being interdependent. That’s where the jealousy and the trouble come in for men. Men long for us to know how beautiful we are and some get very co-dependent with low self-esteem women trying to convince them that they need to love themselves. Women are love on the planet but if a woman doesn’t claim that it becomes hell on earth. Men are mere mortals wishing to be superheroes! Men that think they’re gods already are gay or bi-sexual and have incorporated the female principle into themselves to try to bring balance. And how do they act? Like a woman! Fine, but they are still males and can’t make a human being in their body. There’s that. A male truly becomes a god when he joins with a female and they have a child together. That is a powerful creation and males and females get credit for that. If it’s only one child, that may be more responsible in my view. Society should never denigrate procreation. It’s our main biological mandate on the planet and would completely throw us off as a species if we no longer valued children.
gold tears klimt

“Men feel and view our bodies as heaven, paradise, light, love, sex, food, everything they want and need and they want and need to lose themselves in us.”

That is pressure on women. I am hearing that in every single modern day pop song sung by men. Women who watch it say, “ALL they want is SEX.”. To men, that’s the pinnacle on earth. That’s all there is or needs to be. That’s as happy as they can get. Like Bruno Mars sings, “Your sex takes me to paradise”. They mean it. Just because women are not that way doesn’t mean EVERYONE should be that way. To the extent to which society, Church, State, and women deny them the greatest heaven they can have is the degree to which they are frustrated, pissed, feeling upset and victimized and die early of heart disease. This issue has got to be seen and accepted by society about men and balanced with women taking care of themselves and making money.

They can’t be any different nor should they. Sex is love to them. What’s wrong with that? Nature IS love. The Earth IS love. The natural world IS love. I’m holistic so resisting that is what drives us nuts. It’s the reason our healthcare system, our planet, and our society are falling apart is the DENIAL OF THE BODY which MEN LOVE more than anything. So what is patriarchy but men trying NOT TO BE DENIED THEIR MANHOOD by every single institution in existence? I’m just guessing. Don’t send me hate mail, please. What are we saying to them and about ourselves when we tell them to stop wanting sex so much? You may as well ask them to stop breathing or the sun to stop shining. Well, that IS what we’re doing to the planet right now.

Like Rajesh said to Penny on “Big Bang Theory”, “You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like ruining a chocolate cupcake with sprinkles!” My god, I love that line. It epitomizes the difference between how men and women think. I think if men had their way, they’d have sex with anyone, anytime just to show their love. It’s analogous to women showing their love by hugging and talking! We do that all the time and think it’s fine. But you say, “You can’t get pregnant hugging someone.” There is the crux of the issue and the problem for men. So use birth control and have as much sex as you want. The other crux; women’s feelings.

This is unfathomable for people to believe, but it is only recently in human history that people realized that it takes the male sperm to cause conception and make a human being. Up until that time, early humans thought it was magic, we had matriarchy where men were just having sex with anyone they wanted with any woman and going from place to place spreading their sperm around. No one knew who the fathers were, the children didn’t know their fathers and there was no marriage. That was matriarchy and women dominated and raised the children in groups of women and children. The men were off separate with one another.

I’m not saying I personally like the polyamorous nature of most men. I’m a female with high self-esteem so I believe I have plenty, just me alone, for a man who truly adores me. I just don’t expect it from most men. A man who prefers bitches and whores with no emotional bonding or love is one himself! When a man I’m with lets me know those are his values then I think, “Ok, then you aren’t going to get me. You’re only going to get a weak woman with no self-esteem and don’t whine about it. You get what you are!” Men with high self-esteem are attracted to women with high self-esteem and he’s done being polyamorous. That’s another level of nature. Men at the lower level, don’t even try to tell me that monogamous men who adore women who are fully in tune with their bodies and feelings don’t exist. They do! I can provide a man with great, varied sex, great conversation, loyal love and more. Can you take being loved?

Patriarchy changed all of that and territory, The state, The Church, and the institution of the family were born. Now we call it civilization. Have we decided if this is good or bad yet? We know now that when a man and woman live together and fight, which they always do, it is very psychologically damaging to the child. So how great is it really for the father to live with the mother and the child or children in just the family unit? Statistics show men tend to be violent toward the women and children too (domestic violence). So, I don’t know if patriarchy is working. Add to that the men’s testosterone loves war, blowing stuff up, rape, and what have you and I’m not sure women’s paradise has civilized them nor should it. Besides, we deny it to them most of the time and just think they should work and make money. That’s not fair to men.

We need a new way where the nature of men and the nature of woman is balanced. We just don’t know what that is yet while keeping the planet in one piece.

Essay; The Attraction Has Set In


 

zooskTwo days after our date, on Sunday, the attraction and longing set in for both of us, at the same time. This is very common I know. I’ve been physically and emotionally attracted to a few men, not a bunch. It’s still this amazing mind trance. I worked really hard to observe myself this time and noticed that it’s no different than when I was sixteen and super attracted to my first boyfriend. What has changed over the years is “my type”.

I’ve also noted that who I rationally think I’m attracted to based on upbringing or social bias that I’m not completely conscious of is not who I end up being smitten by. This fella is white again. I have a definite bias against my own culture as you may see from my posts on here. In my value system, I adore the black culture, values, and its communities and arts and also find Hispanic men to be super foxy and value the same thing there. My last lover was a black man and I enjoyed his company very much. He went into the Marines.

But now, here I am, very turned on by a fiery, strong, smart, nice white man. I honestly would not have guessed. It feels like my body is doing it and as you know, I follow my body. So that caught me off guard. What we have happening now is “out of sight, out of mind” on his part, it seems. I could be wrong.

We both wanted to see each other last night; second date. I could not sleep and texted him, “I can’t sleep.” and he asked why. I did not say because I want you. I said, “I’m not sure.” We got into a chat and then he said, “Come to my house up here,” so he said it first! I said, “I want to.” But we both had to work the next day and it was too late at night and he was away up north some miles. Still, mutual desire and longing were confirmed. When I said, “No, I can wait. I have to work tomorrow and it’s late,” it went silent and I have not heard from him no matter what I say in a text. I call that the male drama. He’s suffering? Or…he’s back on Zoosk looking for temporary solace with someone else? He “has” to see me. Ok-what is THAT? Guys get like that. Women don’t. I don’t! I’m not emotionally needy of a man. I just feel his PULL SO strong and want to give him what he needs which is my body and physical presence because it makes me feel better too.

It reminds me of my son when he was little and he’d have to be ON MY BODY while I was talking on the phone. As a  mother, it made me feel better to let him. It feels like it’s pulling from my soul like we already know each other. I can put a stop to it though now that I’m older. The men pulling on us is really something! We usually give in because we know you need our energy. It’s when you start to get demanding or take it for granted that makes me irate. I haven’t felt that toward a man in a long while and I won’t again.

I’ve got this figured out about guys. They need the physical merge to seal the deal, to prove the haps, to make their feelings known, to circle their wagons, to make sure you know they dig you and so you can prove you dig them by giving them your sexual energy, as a woman. I absolutely know this. It is NOT the case for us as women. Nothing physical seals anything for us except maybe a ring, as Beyonce says. I hate this video. hahaha. Rings are fine for women who are reproducing.

Our radar or guydar, our inner voice, our male GPS says, “Go THIS way,” very strong and then we go. LOL. Our feelings seal the deal for us. And then our feelings turn into heart knowing and that turns into rational assessment so we are analyzing the whole deal from the beginning with men because we VERY strongly know which of you males we want to share our sexual energy with and who we do not. You need to respect this aspect of women. Most of us if not all of us are this way and usually we can’t explain it.

The mysterious thing for us is how certain men can steer us to them and “want us” and certain men are SO easy to ignore even though they pull on us. It must be their eyes and pheromones. With that, sure enough, he resembles my son’s father who I successfully reproduced with. He was Scottish-English and he died in 2015. But there might be something in my DNA, thus my brain that told me, “Go to him.” And now I totally want to go to him and likely I will. He’s not like my ex at all in terms of personality but there is something overwhelmingly familiar about him and super attractive. We’ll see.

Maybe what we receive from males is the opportunity to give our love, which we have so much of, to someone that truly needs it and wants it. Women really do have a lot to give and most of us need to love someone or something but that needs to include ourselves. It seems like they are the object of our attention (not women) and we’re the subject of everything.

Essay; I had a Zoosk Date


 

zoosk

I guess I’ll just see how many people read this to see if I should continue. I could even add my psychic impressions although that’s pretty personal for the other person.

It’s Saturday night and I’ve already gotten 49 views and messages combined on Zoosk that I don’t want because I already met someone I like. I’m proving that there are dating and libido after 50. I’m 55. That’s sunk in now. I’ve finally got it figured out that most of the men are waiting for the woman to show a real interest in them. She needs to perk up and show some sincere “something” or they won’t really chat you up. However, my fella did! Yes, I found someone I like after looking through hundreds of pics and reading profiles. It’s exhausting. No, no, no, no, no, as you click through. Cute, but no. Nice, but no. Hmmm, sexy, but no. Confident!, but no.

Luckily, I didn’t have to figure that out or act on it today because YESTERDAY, a really hot guy with fire in his eyes chatted me up and initiated. OMG. So, there again, I really noted it in my brain how his face made me feel. I was very attracted to his strength with a big heart that I could see in his eyes, and…a bit of grief. None of the other men had that in their eyes the way he did. They had other things in their eyes but nothing I was very interested in. Women understand. Even if a man is very fit, handsome, blah, blah, blah, he has to have that something that a woman can’t put their finger on that makes us sit up and say, “Who is he? Oh my.” And then, I couldn’t stop staring at his face. THEN, he was very emotionally brave, again that’s so hot, and said he wanted to get together and meet me tonight, had time, where did I want to go, and complimented the bejeebers out of me. Again, so hot. For all I know he’s acting. I hear guys do that. Well, he had it down.

I’m a little like a guy in that I don’t like talking or talking about myself, I’m not a typical girl that just speaks right up about what she wants and gets assertive. I’m not bitchy either. When I’m with a man I want him to lead because in every other aspect of my life I’m in charge, the opposite of fertile women who are paying the piper. I’m paid up.

I’m very soft. I am assertive in my own life on behalf of things that affect me. But chasing a guy? No way no how. I have no clue what to say to a guy. I’m realizing that could have hung me up all these years. I never wanted to chase a guy because I’ve never wanted to be married. Not at all. Is my Twin Flame in the back of my mind at this point? Yes. He’s always there and not talking to me. My intuition tells me he’s seeing someone else too. It’s like I don’t exist. So…I’m dating also. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose.

Well, he took care of that and initiated. Thank God! He was confident too and had his own business just like me. We met at a hip joint for a drink, it was very cool, close to my house and was a blast. When he saw me in the window from outside he sort of jumped and came right in and we had a big hug. We are about the same height but he is very trim and fit and younger than me. Still, I think all that was good. I felt like I knew him already. That’s a good sign. We talked and laughed, asked each other questions for two hours and then he had to go. He was headed up north to work on the house he’s building on 40 acres. We had another big hug goodnight and then I texted and thanked him for buying me a drink and he said he really enjoyed himself. We laughed really hard together. It was a riot. I think I may hear from him but who knows. Of course, being a brainwashed girl by our society the first thing I think is, “Maybe I’m too fat for him.” Every girl thinks that when she meets a guy. It’s nauseating. I actually really like my body now for the first time in a long time so I sort of doubt that.

The girl at the hostess stand came up to me after my date left and says, “Sooooo, how’d it go?” Girls do that with each other even if we’re strangers. lol. I said, “You saw how cute he was and how much we were laughing!” “Good job.” Oh my god. I actually had a date. I have no idea about the future nor am I worried. Que Cera, Cera. There are many fish in the sea and I’m fishing, even if I throw them back in. Yeah for me.

Essay; I’m on Zoosk, God help me.


 

zoosk

I had to do something other than a bar scene to get back out there. Its real purpose is just to be social. I’m not looking for a mate because I’m in touch with my Twin Flame. But he is on the west coast. Besides, a little competition on that front can’t hurt.

My intuition tells me that nothing will come of it but I knew that. It’s more of a social experiment to see how the dating game has changed since I was in my thirties. Now it’s about sexting. Some of the men don’t actually want to meet you. They’re probably married so it would be a secret way to cheat on their wife or spice up their sex life, men needing novelty of course. Also, if they met you in person it would make you too human and when it comes to women, most men can’t have that. It’s too intimidating for a woman to be a real human. Then they’d have to talk to you and treat you with respect instead of acting like a dog in the alley ready to take any b…. ready to go. There’s that.

This whole issue is making me like my Twin Flame all that much more. Not only was he willing to meet me in person, but he also offered to fly to Grand Rapids first and I decided it would be better if I went there first. Then I did. He was the real deal and still is, even though it got very Twilight Zone once I was out there. That still had to be the weirdest experience of my life. Still, he was a badass and treated me like a queen even though we had our normal spats. He’s a real man, super intelligent and on my beam. I miss him all that much more. I’ve apologized for how insecure I got (he did too), he’s accepted and I’ve invited him to come here in May or around that time. We are absolutely peaceful and warm now; no tension. Here’s to hoping he comes! Maybe we won’t freak out this time.

So, because of that testosterone effect, I’ve concluded that guys that are not good looking shoot for very good-looking women and guys that ARE good looking shoot for very hot women. It’s still all about looks online and the men look at women as enhancements to their ego and status.

My intuition tells me to keep taking care of myself and focus into my heart and mind on my twin flame. There is just no comparison at all. When you’ve met the best, nobody else will do. This is very apparent now. Maybe that’s why I did the month trial.