Don’t Make Any Promises


GIFT from Raul for my birthday 2017

Flesh together…

Music playing in wide, open, complex harmonies,

Refulgent breeze brushing your pungent thighs,

Kisses as warm and true as the sun,

My breath is your breath

Just don’t make any promises because tomorrow comes

And everything changes on the turn of a dime.

Don’t yearn for anybody but yourself because you are all you’re assured of.

Attach to that.

Don’t say “No.” to me because I’m right.

People disappear within minutes as do things of Earth.

It is true folly to hold on tight to anything or anybody.

Just let go, let the wind blow,

And don’t make any promises to me.

3/24/19

Advertisements

a middle-aged, healthy woman gives up nothing during sex; she gains.


zoosk

This article is so interesting as far as the male psyche goes. I had to read several sections a few times to understand it and I still need to mull it over.

Men Lose Respect for Women With Whom They Have Sex

“Some men and many women have been socialized into thinking that the woman gives up something during sex. This speaks to the male’s vision of conquest. He believes that he has said or done something to make the woman give in to him. He knows his true intentions are less than honorable, and so he projects his own internal sense of unworthiness onto the female by saying it is she, not him, who is worthless, easy, fast, desperate, stupid, etc. for falling prey to his advances. This kind of thinking completely strips the woman from having any natural right to her sexual desires and her choice to act upon such desires.”

The men don’t always say it’s the woman. My date felt guilty about himself because we were extremely lusty with each other. I never feel guilty about my body or sex so he was alone in that. But that last sentence is not something I’ve ever allowed but always wondered why my attitude wasn’t going anywhere. The energy would just fall flat so it seems it’s true. We are not empowered as women ruling over our own body yet, fully.

I’m dating on Zoosk again, having learned a few things the first time around with middle-aged men. I’ve had two bizarre dates in one week. The nice part was both men were very good looking, showed up, and we had good talks. The matching theme was they were both still hung up emotionally on past women and felt the woman broke their heart. They barely had anything good to say about her and blamed her for the end of things. I didn’t stand a chance to even start anything with either one of them. So why did they date me? One was just to talk and the other was horny and wanted sex. This was months or years ago and they hadn’t gotten over it. I’ve always conjectured that men get far more emotionally attached in a steady relationship with a woman but my experience with these men proves it. Guys are squishy!

The second thing is they tend to feel guilty about their sexuality probably because it’s so easy for them to just f*k and not be emotionally involved at all. I think they deplore themselves to a certain extent just because it so natural to them. I’ve even conjectured that men prefer to have sex with bad, cruel women because it’s a turn on for a man with low self-esteem which is many of them. They’re not really attracted to happy, lovely women. The younger men who are looking for a mate and mother for his children will look for a woman like that to marry because she is acceptable to his family but then choose a racier, wild woman on the side. It serves his desire for novelty. It’s not that he doesn’t love his wife, it’s that she’s too busy with the kids to be sexually deviant, to keep him entertained, and may not be a lusty type of woman.

Third, they were both pretty depressed, not happy campers. They both hinted at being lonely and talked about their kids and family far more than I did. I am the opposite of all of that so none of that sits well with me with a guy. Now that I think of it, every man I’ve been married to or dated has told me he’s depressed. It’s an epidemic. Not so with women. Women tend to be happy or know how to make themselves happy. I’m happy generally speaking and doing very well single.

“Women are perceived as being a threat simply because of their desirability. One facet to explore would be that the male ego is built upon a need or a drive to conquer, to expand, to be strong, to be dominant, etc and in the end, it is the female whom the male inevitably feels weak to.”

This quote applies directly to a good friend that I really like and am attracted to who is out of state. He’s as much as said this and I’ve been confused by it for ten months. The last thing I’ve ever tried to do with a man is to control him. I don’t have time or desire to conduct a man’s life yet he keeps saying women are so controlling. What kind of women has he been in a relationship with? Weak ones with no life and no ambition, no dreams? Co-dependent ones? I’m looking at that far away in the rear view mirror.

“Men are quite aware of how much we mean to them and this need for us can easily be misconstrued as being a weakness. So what do men do about their weakness? What do they do about things that they feel are beyond their wilful control? They try to deny their vulnerability while forcing their will. Thus women have many rules, stigmas, religious guidelines and laws to ensure that we are kept in a psychological position of subservience. It is no secret that most men do not like to even think of the woman of their affection being with another man. (possession) Fear causes men to manipulate women into denying their feminine desires which in turn causes us to feel guilty and sinful for certain behaviors.”

Nope. Not happening in my world. My male friend has been trying to keep me on a hook in just this way although he would never admit it. We both love each other as friends, spoken! We are both very hot for each other…spoken! We both want to have sex…spoken! But now he says he won’t go there with me because he “never does relationships”. Yes, he has. He told me he’s had two serious relationships with a woman. He’s friend-zoned me but I may have done it first frankly after he cavalierly said, “We can get a room.” The friend zone may as well be the “Twilight Zone” as far as I’m concerned unless I consider him my gay friend even though he presents very straight. Well, I believe him based on what he’s told me and the fact that he’s never been married. I don’t know what’s going on. The short of it is, we have so much in common and are so attracted to each other that we’re not ready to go there yet. I’m cool.

I’m leaving it to lie and getting what I need from other men. I’m not staying on his hook but it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I do. But I won’t be controlled or denied sexually. No way no how. That’s an empowerment issue for me. Women need sex! Middle-aged women need sex! Are you going to supply it or not fella?

I don’t know if men in the U.S. think this way. I hope not. I do believe we’re coming to a more equitable sense of responsibility as consenting adults. The exception would be the religious men; Christians, who continue to want to be married and “take care of” a woman. This all needs to drop away. My last date was a Christian and he had no conception whatsoever of my humanity and conceiving of me as an independent woman taking care of myself. It was lost on him. That said, he was a very nice guy. Most of the men on Zoosk are Christian which is extremely troubling. That’s not going to work for me at all.

We’ll see. No sex the first date, that’s for sure. The way I’m feeling about my out of state friend who I talked to today, he’s the only one I want right now. Uh oh.

The Way It Works is…


man and woman

My intuition has taught me…

Talking is easy for women and sex is not. Sex is not superficial for us.

Sex is easy for men and talking is not. Talking is not superficial for men.

Women need sex to grow. Men need talking to grow. Make sure you each have what you need the way you need it. Men love a woman they know they can talk to honestly. Women love a man they know cares about their body and physical health and happiness.

If a man wants to talk to you or keeps calling you to talk he’s probably in love with you, especially if you haven’t had sex yet. Remember, sex doesn’t mean anything to men. They don’t bond through sex the way women do unless they have a mental and heart connection to you.

If a woman wants to have sex with you but not talk all the time she’s probably in love with you or at least loves you. Remember, women talk all the time. It’s superficial to us. Talking doesn’t mean anything to us. The body does; sex does. We bond through sex whether anyone realizes it or not. A man who doesn’t want to have sex with you but wants to talk doesn’t want you to bond to him. He just wants to feel fake bonded to you like a fantasy. That’s actually epidemic right now. It’s offloading to use women to talk and then not have sex with them. He’s probably getting superficial sex elsewhere.

Men don’t deserve to be beaten up for being superficial about sex any more than women should be punished for being superficial about talking. Sex is a male conversation which they can be superficial about or deep. The same is true for women, talking, and connecting. But both sides need to have their needs met. If you use each other there will be karma.

Bonding instead of Possession


 

Prince Harry tribute to Princess DianaAccording to this picture, being physically alive is not a prerequisite to feeling bonded. Think about that. This is a common human experience all over the world; feeling the presence of and emotional bond to an ancestor who has died. Working with clients, I believe the emotional-spiritual bond humans feel to one another, family or not, are much stronger than the physical bond and certainly don’t include possession.

Shared values, personal affinity or sameness, sexual affinity, and complementary differences help us bond. If you’re reproducing at a young age, similar family upbringing and just basic lust, bond you very strongly to a person causing you to feel possessive. Just because you feel possessive doesn’t mean you actually can possess another human being. Human possession is actually slavery. People do buy one another mostly for sex and for employment. The latter is illegal and the former is not.

A physical lust bond is actually very essential in young couples for successful reproduction. The more sex you want to have and do have the more likely it is you’ll conceive. That said, once a woman has a child, her lust or desire for her husband markedly decreases and her emotional bond is super strong to her child just due to evolutionary mother love in the human brain. It’s actually the strongest type of real love on the planet as I think we all know. Mothers love their children with superhuman might. Fathers do too but it’s different since they didn’t create the baby in their body. I adore my son. I feel more bonded to my son than anyone on the planet and when he’s around it’s as though a part of me is in the house. That can actually be a pain in the butt because we’re very similar. My brain and thus my behavior goes into mama role. It’s very bizarre to observe in myself and feels very natural but automatic. It’s not a behavior I choose at all!

That said, amazingly, in no way do I feel I possess him nor have I EVER felt that I possess my son! His father and I raised him to possess himself and he does, even though he’s going through judging himself in a perfectionist manner at the age of twenty.

I think that possession is a misnomer because of our materialist based, capitalist system of ownership and human slavery. It’s not a minor issue because it’s the basis of legal marriage and taking someone else’s name. Men and women tend to behave as though they can control one another in a relationship which is completely unrealistic and offensive. This is where the resistance to possession comes from. It’s also a huge political issue that affects the status of everyone, including men that tend to feel controlled by women.

Let’s move to create bonding that includes freedom of movement, freedom to be yourself, freedom to express how you feel and freedom to express yourself sexually in different ways and stop talking about possessing or controlling anyone, even in a sexual relationship. The way I see it, bonding in love is a stronger force than possession or control anyway. You won’t feel the need to possess or control someone if the emotional bond is there. You also won’t feel the need to prescribe “monogamy” to it because if you are bonded and love someone you’ll want to be with them. And if you don’t, there isn’t enough sex with novel people in the world to satisfy your longing. Don’t kimiddleagekissingd yourself about that!

If you have bonded, your quality of life skyrockets! I’m going to have that which means I need a mate with whom I can feel emotionally bonded and passionate. Once there is a strong emotional bond, that can morph and change into spiritual affinity and you won’t even need to use the word loyalty because you’ll naturally be on the same page in terms of your values even as your body and emotions change. It’s all good.

 

 

 

An Expiration Date is Normal for Monogamy & Marriage


Divorced_couple_Credit_InesBazdar_via_wwwshutterstockcom_CNA_9_3_15

I’ve been married and divorced three times and I don’t regret any of it. All three of my husbands were brilliant, adoring men who tend to be what I prefer. I’m not an easy woman to live with because I’m passionate, freedom loving, willful, very physical, and intelligent. I’m pretty much a wild filly although when people see me, they assume I’m a chump or a pushover because I’m full of love, warmth and feminine energy. That’s all true until you cross my line. I’m very patient and will discuss anything and everything until I see you’re immature or not reciprocating. Then I’ll silently walk away.

Two of them actually ended because of death or tragedy. This reason for divorce is beyond our control. It takes a very negative toll on love and you both descend into the black hole of loss. Be sure to get help and climb out of it before you try to be in a relationship again. Otherwise, you’re offloading that grief onto someone else that doesn’t deserve it. You have to heal yourself with professional help.

There aren’t very many reasons to feel guilty about divorce. Life happens and it’s all difficult. Of course, this is my opinion from fifty-six years of observing humans and myself. Most couples do divorce after their kids are grown. And then sometimes they decide they are friends and get back together again. But the basis of any relationship needs to be friendship. Monogamy and marriage are a good idea when you’re reproductive age and having children. Your kids need both parents present if indeed they are present. Of course, the structure won’t work if one parent is busy being a workaholic or some other addiction. Then it’s all fake and harmful for the children. Still, you can try.

The balance of power between women and men outside of monogamy will only work if both are in complete freedom with their body and sex life. No more double standard. Also, the romantic fantasy needs to take a hike. Women are responsible for their feelings and men theirs. We no longer “make each other feel…”. The other day my friend advised, “Don’t be a nurse or a purse.” That can go both ways with a man or a woman! Meaning, seek interdependency, not dependency. When you’re married and monogamous, having a family, you’re dependent on one another. That’s just a reality but will end when the children are grown.

There is no expected possession, dependency or monitoring after monogamy. That’s parental behavior. I like monogamy but it should flow naturally out of what you feel, not rules, and is really only required when there are children involved. It should not be an expectation otherwise. I can’t remember a time when I did not hold this as a value. Even as a child I would express this kind of thing to my mother and she’d just snicker. I just believe in freedom, love, and creativity. If you have some emotional heavies to deal with, seek out a counselor. Don’t offload on family or friends. I think being too heavy or negative can ruin relationships. Everyone is at different levels with this but running more positive and less toxic energy should be at the ratio 85/15. I mean, a minor complaint or little fit is no big deal with a friend or lover but an ongoing heavy emotional habit or dysfunctional addiction is a relationship killer. There is no winning on that one. You must both be taking care of yourselves, yourself or you’re not desirable. That’s a no-brainer.

There is no rational point of marriage or monogamy after you’ve been married and had kids. There is no point of marriage and monogamy if you don’t want children. Every family ends at some point or should if it’s healthy! Otherwise, no one is growing and changing. I notice the women have a stranglehold on the men and the men have become dependent and couldn’t live without the woman. That’s a bad deal for men. Men can learn how to take care of themselves too! What happened to women being empowering for men in return for men being supportive of women? It needs to be a two-way street. Encouraging male dependency is not cool. Coddling a male or doing things for him that he can do for himself is very dysfunctional. I hope, as a culture, we realize that marriage, monogamy and falling in love has a biological function but after that, socially, it doesn’t usually work.

“I’m Sorry”


 

I'm SorryWhat most people mean when they say I’m sorry is, “I’m sorry you caught me doing something I should not have and it hurt you.” They’re sorry they got caught. If you don’t get caught or no one is bothered by your action, you’re not hurting anyone, right?

My first husband used to say, “Just don’t do it again.” Of course, a person is going to do it again. I did. In my case, when I’m mad I tend to say something hurtful. People always do what they feel they need to do, want to do or feel compelled to do no matter what anyone else says.

When a friend or someone I’m close to saying they’re sorry, I believe them in that I do believe they don’t want to hurt me. But that doesn’t mean they’ll adjust their behavior “for me” nor should I expect it. Most people won’t. Our first loyalty is to ourselves emotionally and I guess that’s as it should be. Whether or not the person close to them can detach from the things that repeatedly hurt them or not is the question. After all, it’s not that we intentionally hurt others, it’s that others let themselves feel hurt by us. They don’t have to. They can stay detached from certain behaviors and not let themselves be hurt by it. How we feel is in OUR hands, not others. If someone tries to tell you otherwise just ignore them.

Check how you feel in your heart when someone close to you hurts your feelings. That is using your intuition. If you just have a new insight into their personality and don’t judge them or diss them, then you love them. Your intuition just helped you pivot away from letting their personal issue hurt you and you stayed in your own space. Good for you. Self-love is intact and loving them is intact. But you also have a new heads up to their weak point and can detach next time.

When they apologized did you receive their apology and forgive or let it go? Or did it scare you and now you hold a grudge? If you went into fear and resentment that is not loving. You are using your intuition in that situation too. Unless you move the feeling to your intuition you won’t be able to assess the relationship accurately. That’s why it’s important for both men and women to be in touch with how they feel in their body.

There are levels of apology that correlate with Platonic Love relationships. The Platonic Love blog is a few posts back. I feel humans are called to love at all times; Agape, Philia, etc. So even in professional client relationships, it’s important to apologize and forgive. Love at all times will change the world.

Psyche and Eros; They are Intuition and Love


Gerard_FrancoisPascalSimon-Cupid_Psyche_end

Psyche and Eros (Cupid) are the Greek Gods of Intuition and Love. Psyche is the woman on the left and Eros or Cupid has the wings on the right. They are obviously young and virginal, not such a great situation really.

Though Psyche is usually referred to in Roman mythology by her Greek name, her Roman name through direct translation is Anima. The anima and animus have long been used in modern psychology to describe the female and the male respectively. In fact, twin flames are all about the joining of the anima and animus and making them one again in the Hieros Gamos or sacred marriage which does not necessarily mean legal marriage or even sex. It means true love which hovers above mere mortal mundane ritual in a true spiritual sense. The Greek Gods of the Hieros Gamos who wed were Zeus and Hera. It’s mythological, I and my readers probably need to be reminded. That said, these romantic fantasy myths continue to move freely about in our world.

Cupid is sent to shoot Psyche with an arrow so that she may fall in love with something hideous, put up to that by his mother Aphrodite who was jealous of Psyche. She was getting too much admiration from other men, even though they didn’t really want her. He instead scratches himself with his own dart, which makes any living thing fall in love with the first thing it sees. Consequently, he falls deeply in love with Psyche and disobeys his mother’s order.

psyche and eros

Sounds good to me. Well, Psyche and Eros, Intuition and Love are called to accompany sex. If the act becomes mundane and low and fails to lift the human spirit and the human mind which it IS capable of doing, there will be trouble. As we all know, there is trouble in most relationships that are absent true love and respect for intuition and feeling. The ancients knew that.

The story proceeds and Aphrodite, the mother of Eros sends Psyche away to a palace to be with a husband she cannot see. Her two jealous sisters came up to see her with a smile plastered on their faces and proceeded to be as jealous as ever of her and lie to her about who her husband might be. In their opinion, he must be some kind of monster. They convinced her that she should kill him.

When she finally came upon him and saw that he was a beautiful man and that of course, her sisters were wrong, he looked at her in dismay because Psyche had not trusted him. “Love cannot exist without trust” and he left her. This man was Eros, Aphrodite’s son.

Psyche went to Aphrodite who was still jealous of her and asked her to persuade Eros to come back to her. Psyche had to accomplish three tasks to prove her skill. One, she had to separate seeds into groups and the ants helped her. Two, fill a bottle with black water from the River Estige and an Eagle helped her. Aphrodite was furious. Third, take a box to the underworld to Persephone and have her put a bit of her beauty in it. She did happily. Psyche gave Aphrodite the box and she was as mad as ever.

The gods decided to step in on behalf of Psyche to correct all the wrongdoing so Hermes the messenger narrated the true story to Eros, Psyche’s husband. Eros found Psyche exhausted in Aphrodite’s garden. Psyche persuaded Eros to forgive his mother for what she had made her suffer. As a wedding gift, Zeus made Psyche immortal and allowed her to taste ambrosia, the drink of the gods. Even Aphrodite was happy because, now that Psyche was living in the sky with her husband, men on earth had forgotten all about her and were again worshiping the true goddess of beauty. The question for my next blog will be; “Why was Psyche treated so badly on Earth?” I suppose the answer is jealousy. We’ll see.

Source: www.greeka.com

Is it a Relationship or Usage?


two lovers

I have to credit my friend Harry for pointing out this distinction verbally. I’ve always been aware of it but never considered that some people might not understand the difference. I always use my intuition and you can too to feel out the situation. For some reason, as soon as there is warmth or sex involved or the suggestion of sex, either or both parties may start to assume that they are in a relationship or moving toward one. That is incorrect. Or, as soon as a service is rendered or money is exchanged they assume it’s a relationship. It’s not. Some may say they have a professional relationship if money is exchanged. I would agree to that only if they return for the service which many times, it’s only a one time deal, humans being the way they are; fickle.

Right there you can see a connection between platonic philia and platonic eros. If THERE IS A RETURN for connection either for service (philia) or sexually (eros) you could start to conjecture that there is a relationship. You wouldn’t return to someone unless there was an affinity for service or for emotional intimacy. Most people really want that. Well, women do. I’m not at all sure men do, but maybe. When they say the words emotional or the word intimacy, they mean something different than we do.

business people shaking hands

A relationship means that you can relate to one another and actively do either by just talking if you’re at a distance or see one another at whatever variable you wish. Just because your genitals relate to one another doesn’t mean that your mind and your heart relate to one another and this seems to be the big confusion for some people. I am of the persuasion that I have to have a friendship bond with a man before I’ll have sex with him. In no way is that possession or a relationship. It’s lover and friend status. It could be more though! It depends on what everyone wants.

The other big confusion is some people pride themselves on seeming invulnerable, perfectly rational, a closed book, never letting anyone see their true heart and not loving intimately, ever. They feel more powerful if they never love when in fact they are weaker. The heart is closed and needs to break to release past trauma. I promise you! I do it for a living and I am a safe person to be with if you have a broken heart while I run Reiki in the heart chakra. I remain detached but Love. There is always a reason from their past for that, likely a broken heart as a child. That can heal.

But there are millions of lightworkers like me that love at all times. I literally love everyone and I am very honest about how I feel. For the most part, I run agape platonic love. For a few men that I date and DO NOT see professionally, that turns into eros and I let them know but I never confuse the two. Still, in all my relationships, I love. Those platonic levels of love are important to know since we are called to love at all times in this world. One of my most recent blogs discusses it. That doesn’t mean I’m in a relationship with anyone nor do I necessarily want to be; especially if they pride themselves on using others and not loving. That will ruin the mind eventually.

If you don’t know one another and have no emotional or spiritual bond or affinity, then sex is just usage. If you don’t know one another and have no emotional or spiritual bond or affinity than ANY action you do together is just usage. What comes into play here are the roles you’re playing in an activity.

For those of us whose love language is touch, we consider talking all the time to be usage and body contact to be more regular or normal, meaning hugging, meeting in person, one-on-one, or if you’re intimate; actual sex. My love language is touch so I communicate best intimately that way, not talking over media. Some people are the opposite. In our culture of confused physical boundaries, it’s important not to judge those that prefer the love language of touch. For us, it’s like breathing. Professionally, I’m a bodyworker with very clear boundaries and communicate with my hands the best more than talk therapy.

Any service you do with one another in a particular role is just usage. If there is money exchanged you’ve paid for the usage or service. That’s a good thing! Everyone wants to be useful and needs meaningful work. Hopefully, it’s all clear.

What Causes a Man to Love a Woman?


April showers

I don’t love you! he says in the winter before he’s even met her.

The woman loves him first.

Love comes from the woman and grows.

First she loves herself, then him, then it begins.

Then she shows it.

The fructiferous, fecund spring floret

entices, gesticulates and wafts her

puissant, firm yellow, orange, or red hips

and engulfs the inconversant, comatose, innocent

male insect into her luscious, succulent, wet, petals

from the morning dew…

He wanders in, unwittingly, smelling the familiar pollen

gifted by the stamen.

Hermaphrodite freak, as arable and luxuriant as can be.

The blossom accidentally feeds the male with her nectar

and in, keen, eager, yearning for her ambrosia that is the natural wine of love…

he is silent.

You don’t love me? You haven’t drunk a drop.

When a woman decides she wants to wrap her wet pussy around a particular man, kiss him deeply and long, give him her sexual energy, her feelings, and activate her heart, he thinks he fell in love with her all by himself and initiated it. Then she feeds him a delicious meal. Don’t do all of that woman unless you’re sure you want him to stay!

Her body and her will took him if she knows what she’s doing. That’s my problem. My body wants to do all of that but I like being alone. Damn. I can’t lure him in then step on it. Women do that to men too much.

She picked him, started it, covered all the bases, and he finished it.

But can she continue in that love? Nature keeps changing her. Maybe she shouldn’t start at all because autumn will come again, then winter, and she must die back and return to the soil.

They are both undone and it’s only spring.

Define “Lover”. No Possession.


two lovers

It’s a friendship middle ground where men are still free to roam and women are still free to roam emotionally and physically also because we don’t need the ego validation of being the center of someone’s world or possession. In fact, the last thing I want is someone to need me that much. It’s dependency! We should all take care of ourselves. Otherwise, it seems to me you’re still looking for a mommy or daddy. We all need to get over that. That, and I really need to sleep alone and roll around in my queen bed. I suppose a remedy could be a King bed.

So, speaking as a woman, I will have friendship feelings for you during sex and that’s all. I think that’s the biggest and best connection you can have with a man. You’re friends! Yes, I will love you as my friend. How can love be any better than that? And I would make it clear to a man I was going to be with that in no way are there strings attached physically but we have a friendship agreement. That is all. There will be no use or just sucking sexual energy from the woman and dumping her like a hooker. That’s a hookup. Women who do that to men should not do that either if you want a lover. Friends don’t use each other. So, it really is in the woman’s purview to make sure you really feel like you have some type of friendship with a guy before you have sex with him. I don’t think guys know how to create that. You would never have sex on a first date if you seek lovers and friends.

Obviously, every woman and man is different in how they might define it. I also find it doubtful that a man would call a woman he has sex with his lover but he should. He would say “girlfriend” because I think men tend to be more territorial over a woman’s body than we are with them. But to a woman who is a free spirit that is too heavy on the territory and social obligation. There is no way I want a boyfriend or a husband which is almost the same thing minus the paper. Women that are busy, work, have projects, business and ideas in no way need or want to invest most of their time in a relationship. I’m not going to babysit or be nursemaid to a man. I don’t need to or want to. I want us to be friends as equals; no possession.

A lover is not friends with benefits because sex with warmth, love, and friendship is real sex which is a very big deal to a woman. It’s not just a benefit you’d receive like a job benefit. There is no territorial or legal claim, no possession. You actually dig each other and each other’s bodies and sexual energy. That’s it. No obligations. You usually agree you can have another lover if desired. In order to leave it out of hookup territory let’s say only one other lover. It’s not polyamorous which is hookup defecation sex. If you’re all friends, the body types match and you’re mature, that could turn into a menage-a tois. Why not?

That’s a lover. It’s not a hookup with a stranger, not defecation sex, you’re not just friends although that’s included, you’re not boyfriend/girlfriend, there are no social contracts, and you don’t want or need marriage or a relationship to corral, define, or control you or continue to play out your family of birth psychodrama. It’s empowering for a woman who has her own life. As dramatic, territorial and emotional as men get about sex and the body, they don’t usually like this setup. Again, it’s similar to the way my young son got when I was talking on the phone to someone else. Well, take it or leave it because I won’t be possessed by any man absent real love which is usually quite fickle or non-existent for them. Men and women in a relationship need to become more equal or don’t feign a relationship at all.