Most women suck it up even though they don’t want to right away. What if you haven’t met him yet? What if you’ve just talked long distance for a long time? I have to get a vibe in person with a guy. I freakin’ don’t get why guys don’t care about that! They should. I did in the past but I’m not doing it anymore because I deserve to be turned on the way I get turned on. The pleasure of sex is for women also.
I understand and respect the fact that men are ego invested about offering a hookup to a woman and she turns him down when she’s indicated before that she’s attracted to him. It’s a huge deal to a dude. Especially if you already know each other. On the other hand, if a guy just met you and asks for a hook-up he’s basically treating you like a free prostitute. That’s just disgusting. No.
Not doing a hookup with an egomaniac or your boss can get you fired if they want you! That’s how mad guys get. I’ve experienced it first hand. If they know you and you’ve both been flirting, they expect a “Yes” or I suppose they think you were teasing them. I think men take rejection harder than women do. I try not to be too hard on men that let me know they like me but the boundaries do have to be maintained and I have a history of maintaining them in the workplace and in my own office, to the frustration of quite a few men.
I don’t think most women are teasing. I believe we’re thinking, pondering, and checking, putting it through our intuitive radar because women know energy is exchanged as well as body fluids. That’s how we are with men if the woman has any self-respect. We’re in the laboratory of sexual attraction and IT IS NO EASY MATTER FOR US! We need you guys to accept that about us. I accept that it’s simpler for men and every woman knows that. Then you need to accept that it’s more complicated for us. The man’s value system should not dictate the situation and I challenge every woman to stick up for what she wants and what she’s comfortable with. At least have some of it your way. If he’s too pushy, he can walk.
I think a good compromise is three times alone together in person, at least, after you’ve known each other for months. I know that these days that sounds like a long time but, well, that’s just me. I’m sorry but unless there is emotional intimacy I’m not turned on.
There’s a myth I keep running into whenever I really like a man, we know each other and are friends, I’m attracted to him and want to have sex with him. His assumption is, given all of the desires I’ve listed above, I’ll fall in love with him or I am in love with him and want to put a leash around his neck or start a relationship. No, I don’t and it’s a bit insulting to assume women want or need to be hitched to a man or control him. We don’t. Women who want children are more that way for good reason but not me!
He assumes I will want to control him like a dog trainer. So wrong. So very, very wrong. I have my own life. I only control myself. I’m a cat you see. But if you suggest on a first date, “We can get a room,” Uhhh. No. Sex is not going to be the first date. If that’s what you want then you’ll get a woman that just lets her body and energy be eaten for a price or for free. Good luck with that. It’s chaos and she’s likely emotionally messed up as in “a sex addict.”
I’m starting to think it’s the other way around. If he has told me and continues to express that he likes me also, is attracted to me and also wants to have sex, he might fall in love with me, otherwise, we would meet-up. Why aren’t we meeting each other? He couldn’t hook me for sex with lying and saying he loved me as a friend. He obviously doesn’t. No integrity. He’s a user. I pose too much of a challenge.
At least I assumed it from the beginning. I let him run his game to see what he would do to get another notch on his bedpost. All lies.
Friendship and attraction are the basis of everything lasting. Possession and contracts kill it after you’ve had children. You don’t need it in middle age. Most couples break up after their kids are grown anyway. You get bored with each other as lovers and can just be friends. Sexual usage is jungle level not human level and shows a very low intelligence and low spirituality. No thanks.
The myth is that just because a woman has all of those things going on that I listed above that she’s in love with a guy. Nope. Nada. Huh-uh. Not the case. Most women I know are very good at controlling their feelings and actually choosing them. We’re kind of expert at it for some reason, especially in middle age when there is no longer the motive of reproduction and the extreme lust that comes with reproductive hormones. Maybe we have a highly developed relationship between our amygdala and frontal cortex after fifty because we’ve learned a thing or two? We want real love and friendship, not just lust games, and personality compatibility, not just sex compatibility. Time to grow up.
I’m done. The karma machine is going to run ragged on this one. Good. I hate it when a man can’t emotionally deal with friendship and sex. It’s totally immature.
Why do we want to be right all the time?
Why do I want to be right most of the time?
Why do I glee over saying, “See, I was right!”
Because we doubt ourselves too much so we are reassuring ourselves by saying it.
Because others who doubt themselves doubt us and say it!
Because others project their experience of being shunned for being or doing something that was wrong, onto us.
Because “if you make a mistake, you are forgiven”, isn’t widely practiced.
So, now I try to catch myself and say, “Lisa, do what you feel, study what you feel, write what you feel and use the best skill you’ve got. That’s all you can do.” I’ve got a lot of skill and I’ve paid the piper so I have no reason to doubt myself. Whether anyone will listen and understand has never proven to be plentiful. So what?
And now, when someone criticizes me harshly when I meant absolutely no harm and never do, I know that they have not forgiven themselves for being wrong or someone else has not forgiven them for being wrong or vice versa.
It closes the heart.
Wow, the feeling of being around someone with a closed heart and lots of conditions, or an open heart and few conditions, is night and day.
Intimacy means feelings and bonding with sex. It’s true friendship, not territory, ownership, or marriage necessarily. I have a feeling men would say sex is intimacy because that’s as far as most of them go. Sex IS their feeling like hunger IS their feeling and for them, it is deep and significant. Anything physical is very emotional for men; like being sick or succeeding in a sport or having a lot of money. They love “things” and have emotions about “things”. They freak out like a little kid and women make fun of them too much regarding those things. Women all know this but not all women are loving and patient about it. Women view bonding and relationship as transcendent over the physical. It’s spiritual for us.
I’ve decided that I’m tired of acting so detached with men (mimicking them!) when the truth is, I do have feelings. I’m a girl! I’m sick of feeling like I have to act like a guy or a hook-up prostitute to get any attention or bonding with a man. Or maybe I don’t want the bonding then! The promiscuity with women, the super-rationality and denial of emotion, the negative feelings about their mother and the resistance to real intimacy with a woman is a turn-off to me. Comments like, “I can’t live with a woman.”, “I don’t have relationships with women.” No heterosexual man has ever said things like that to me but that’s what I’m hearing lately from men who profess to be straight. Are they straight or do they really prefer someone like themselves; another man? There is no way they could love a woman?
Straight guys actively pursue a woman they’re attracted to, get to know her in person, want to have sex with her and see where it goes from there! You know a guy wants you when they contact you and want to “be in touch”. If they don’t, they don’t want you.
There is a little conundrum here for me. Women need physical confirmation of attraction, in person, before we invest more time and communication with a certain fellow. That’s what women need. I’ve heard men say they don’t. I don’t believe it but there is something handy about one step removed I suppose. I think it’s odd.
One thing Zoosk has taught me is that meeting a guy on social media and in-person are night and day. I’m done with that now because none of the men are very happy. I have to date a man before it progresses any further and feel a friendship there. End of story. And any man who expects sex on the first date is not interested in loving a woman at least as a friend. He must demonstrate it or he is not capable of it in which case, this woman will never have sex with him.
It’s pretty simple for me. I’m literally not turned on if there is no affinity, no warmth, no sincere affection, no love. Women are super intuitive with regard to the truth about a guy’s real feelings so there is no worry. If he has no feelings, neither do I and for me, that means no sex. The only way a guy can get around that is if he finds a woman willing to deny herself, her core, and her needs which unfortunately is all too easy these days.
My last post, I made the point that I’m not interested in fawning adoration that leads to possessive marriage. Every woman I know is at a different point with this but it has to do with emotional maturity and financial independence. Most women don’t prefer marriage, from what I’ve gathered, unless they’re getting some type of needed security. But most of us aren’t interested in shallow hook-ups either! Some men get this, some don’t. It’s hard to believe. We know respecting a woman may be a turn-off to most men but you have to show respect to most women. We can tell if you’re sincere or not.
I’ll speak for myself
Friendship, attraction, love, and care are what I want and need. It’s the honest middle ground. Women are human beings. Does it really depend on what culture you come from as to whether you treat women as human beings? This needs to be a universal understanding. Possession in marriage, to some of us, is an insult. I’m a free person with my own life, work, and money. I’m not on the planet to soothe a man’s ego just as he is not soothing mine! Promiscuity is a hook-up with a stranger and is also an insult as I’m not a sex toy or the least bit turned on by strange men, for god’s sake. I guess I’m making the assumption that true love in marriage is Disneyland in my view. I know many disagree with me and that’s fine. I’ll entertain the notion but I’ve been married three times and there has never been true love.
Promiscuity or Possession
They are two far ends of the patriarchal spectrum that have been dominating our rules of relationships for hundreds of years. Lack of boundaries on the promiscuity end or lying on the possession end with a double standard applied to women allow men to rule the day. For men, getting continual sex by feigning a relationship via marriage has been the ritual. It also raises their status. For women, getting a fake, romantic relationship by giving sex in marriage has been the way women have manifested their true love; our children. That’s not good for women or children. I prefer mutual love with a man, not my children. Children end up rebelling against their parents anyway as it is nature. Women are adults and our roles and skills exceed motherhood. Children grow up and the parents need to let them go! It’s very dysfunctional not to. It’s a bad deal where no ones needs really get met, thus the divorce rate. That, and barely anyone is telling the truth; women or men.
The Honest Middle Ground
Lovers; Cat-type women could mate with cat-type men. I already posted on it. We tend to be interdependent and intelligent. Being a cat-type woman, I’ve been called strong and stubborn far too much. I am neither of those. In fact, I’m extremely warm, soft, sensitive, and vulnerable inside. It gives me a very strong heart. Stubborn is a misnomer. I know my own mind, what I need and say it and do it myself. That is still extremely taboo in our culture which still places coddling the male ego above everyone and everything else.
Bitches could mate with dog-type men that need a controlling trainer, someone willing to teach them how to be humane and will feed and groom them. If your man tends to be hungry and looks at you like a roast chicken then this may be the one for you. Many women are into this and many men find it sexy. I don’t but that’s because I’m a cat. Still, I don’t judge the bitches! I remember as a young girl realizing I wasn’t willing to function in this role with men. It’s a funny memory and really speaks to my inner nature. I’m finally honoring it without judging myself.
There is Much Wiggle Room
I’m not sure about the rest of the details but they depend on your couple dynamic. Are you polyamorous lovers or monogamous? Cheating on your monogamous girlfriend who is mad at you and has put you out of the house and into the dog house is not a license to be polyamorous by the way. You need to discuss the issue and either move forward or break up. My Twin Flame tried to pull this one. He was treating me like a possible option without telling me a woman with her toothbrush lives with him! I think deep down he’s a cat but he’s acting like a dog at the moment so no doubt he needs a bitch trainer. That’s fine with me. I’m not doing it. He is extremely intelligent, creative, and independent but I think he judges himself for it because most of the men in his culture are not cats. He very much seeks to fit in socially. He does tend to have himself in a provincial, cultural box that makes me want to scream. There is something else holding him up emotionally. I know what it is but I digress. Time will tell.
Men, be careful approaching women you don’t know. Are they cat-like or dog-like? Don’t make assumptions! The same goes for women. You need to know who you’re dealing with and the rest is negotiable.
Digital Artist Sandra Bauser
Time fades into oblivion
One memory, one vision of you and I feel whole again.
I remember your voice, your smell, the feel of you next to me.
In time, it was so long ago, yet to my mind, it was yesterday.
My love for you is as natural as my heartbeat.