Bonding instead of Possession


 

Prince Harry tribute to Princess DianaAccording to this picture, being physically alive is not a prerequisite to feeling bonded. Think about that. This is a common human experience all over the world; feeling the presence of and emotional bond to an ancestor who has died. Working with clients, I believe the emotional-spiritual bond humans feel to one another, family or not, are much stronger than the physical bond and certainly don’t include possession.

Shared values, personal affinity or sameness, sexual affinity, and complementary differences help us bond. If you’re reproducing at a young age, similar family upbringing and just basic lust, bond you very strongly to a person causing you to feel possessive. Just because you feel possessive doesn’t mean you actually can possess another human being. Human possession is actually slavery. People do buy one another mostly for sex and for employment. The latter is illegal and the former is not.

A physical lust bond is actually very essential in young couples for successful reproduction. The more sex you want to have and do have the more likely it is you’ll conceive. That said, once a woman has a child, her lust or desire for her husband markedly decreases and her emotional bond is super strong to her child just due to evolutionary mother love in the human brain. It’s actually the strongest type of real love on the planet as I think we all know. Mothers love their children with superhuman might. Fathers do too but it’s different since they didn’t create the baby in their body. I adore my son. I feel more bonded to my son than anyone on the planet and when he’s around it’s as though a part of me is in the house. That can actually be a pain in the butt because we’re very similar. My brain and thus my behavior goes into mama role. It’s very bizarre to observe in myself and feels very natural but automatic. It’s not a behavior I choose at all!

That said, amazingly, in no way do I feel I possess him nor have I EVER felt that I possess my son! His father and I raised him to possess himself and he does, even though he’s going through judging himself in a perfectionist manner at the age of twenty.

I think that possession is a misnomer because of our materialist based, capitalist system of ownership and human slavery. It’s not a minor issue because it’s the basis of legal marriage and taking someone else’s name. Men and women tend to behave as though they can control one another in a relationship which is completely unrealistic and offensive. This is where the resistance to possession comes from. It’s also a huge political issue that affects the status of everyone, including men that tend to feel controlled by women.

Let’s move to create bonding that includes freedom of movement, freedom to be yourself, freedom to express how you feel and freedom to express yourself sexually in different ways and stop talking about possessing or controlling anyone, even in a sexual relationship. The way I see it, bonding in love is a stronger force than possession or control anyway. You won’t feel the need to possess or control someone if the emotional bond is there. You also won’t feel the need to prescribe “monogamy” to it because if you are bonded and love someone you’ll want to be with them. And if you don’t, there isn’t enough sex with novel people in the world to satisfy your longing. Don’t kimiddleagekissingd yourself about that!

If you have bonded, your quality of life skyrockets! I’m going to have that which means I need a mate with whom I can feel emotionally bonded and passionate. Once there is a strong emotional bond, that can morph and change into spiritual affinity and you won’t even need to use the word loyalty because you’ll naturally be on the same page in terms of your values even as your body and emotions change. It’s all good.

 

 

 

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Women Attach Through Sex and Men Attach Through Emotional Bond


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My intuition did a whammy on me last week and I sat on this for that long.

Women attach through sex/physical attention and men attach through emotional bond!” Ironic isn’t it?

You probably read that title and said, “Ok, we know that about women but men?” No one talks about men getting all warm and fuzzy and emotionally attached to a woman just because of her vibe, how she moves or how she talks and walks. It’s in all the songs they sing though. Men pine much more deeply for a woman than a woman will ever pine for a man and they’ve told me that they have an issue with that! Women, on the other hand, tell me how imperfect a man has been, how she’s rejected him and that he screwed up. The men I know NEVER tell me that about a woman. The men are adoring of their mate. Think about it. Men are far more emotionally rejected than we are just because they don’t act like women or love the way we do. How could they? They don’t make human beings in their bodies!

Men are very insecure about this state of things and men feel deeply when they fall in love with a woman. The big news for women is, THE REASON THEY FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU IS RARELY, IF EVER, TO DO WITH YOUR OBJECTIVE APPEARANCE OR BEAUTY BY MEDIA STANDARDS. IT HAS TO DO WITH WHO YOU ARE AS A PERSON, how they feel around you, whether they feel they can talk to you and your general vibe.

Now I will explain what I figured out via my intuition last week. I’ll start with women. Women, imagine how easy and normal it is for you to talk, commune, flirt, hug, be warm and smiley with all the women you know. We do that so easily with each other, even if we’re strangers. I certainly do. We “do” relationship all the time with other women. Not so much with men and here’s why.

Sex. Men find sex to be easy and natural and if civilization hadn’t pulled a whammy on them and judged them for being so sexy and natural they’d probably have sex all the time. Civilization has curbed men in terms of their nature much more than it has women. I’m not saying men find it easy to have sex with other men naturally but the boys club is real. They manage to bond and do things with each other in other ways like sports and such that make up for not having sex with each other. And sometimes, as we know, they do have sex with each other. But think of that. Being gay is much more acceptable for women than it is for men. Why is that? Civilization is set up so that when a woman has her fondest wish, a child, the man is there to be a father for the child’s sake, or at least society has told him he’s supposed to be. If he’s not, society has plenty of punishments for him.

Back to women; the ease with which we have a relationship and find it fine and natural is the ease with which men find sex with others; women or men fine and natural. It’s superficial! Men find sex superficial and normal just as women find relating to others to be superficial and normal. It’s just part of life. Some are close, some aren’t. Women should know that when men see us relating so easily and happily with other women and men, they get anxious about what we’re up to. They don’t know that it’s superficial for us and we’re just being friendly. I don’t think they’ll admit this though.

For women; put sex in the mix with relating to a man and the woman is pulled off of her center. Not only because our physical energy is super responsive to sex but because it’s always a possibility that we could get pregnant. Sex is a big deal to us on many levels.

Put a relationship in the mix for a man when he’s relating to a woman and he’s pulled off of his center because he doesn’t have much natural skill in it. What men do is tease, tickle, jostle, nudge, compete, get a little jealous and criticize some when he has feelings for a woman that he’s a bit uncomfortable with. Take that as a cue women. He likely has a crush on you. Don’t lead him on if you don’t have a crush on him. If you think he may really care about you and you him, it’s a mistake to rush into sex. The other bonding needs to happen first in my opinion.

What is the remedy here? First, accept that men and women are naturally different from one another and don’t diss and neg on each other saying, “All he wants is sex or all she wants is a relationship.” The OPPOSITE is the truth. Again, I’ve surveyed people in my office for twenty years. Women talk about sex with men and it means a tremendous amount to us to be attended to physically and wanted sexually and to check out the chemistry. Sex will never be superficial to us. A woman who is superficial with sex or playing in the porn arena is up to something that is not good for men. I think it’s selfish on her part. She gets all kinds of sex and gives no care or relationship.

It’s ironic to me that we view men as being so awful to women right now when the fact that the porn industry exists and so many men (and women) are addicted to it shows that there are millions of women out there who hate men, don’t believe they have feelings and don’t care about their feelings or needs. But, it’s taboo for men to express what they need emotionally, isn’t it? Undoing that, women raising their sons to express their feelings and encouraging their daughters to physically love themselves will start to bring gender equity.

Ready To Rumble For Bonding


 

femalewarrior

 

Fight.  I’m ready to rumble for bonding.

So…no phone or text and no e-mail.

E-mail?  How am I going to get my edits?…and I went through editing withdrawal.

Do you know what that’s like as a writer?  I thought my head would explode.

I’m going over there…To the HOUSE.

He says, “I can’t believe you came over here.”

I was cut off!  I had no communication choice to get my work done.

He was happy to see me!  Came close to me, right into my personal space.

He cleared a chair off for me quickly, searched and found out it was his cut off to usurp my threatened cut off when the edits were done, but not before.  He goofed up.  No apology.

He sent it, I didn’t receive it.

I started this with my boundaries and he was getting his back.

Guess what I’m going to do next?

I’m going to seriously date someone else I like.

I…am…NOT…doing hook-ups and booty calls

For the last half of my life as an adult!

I have the energy for this.

Ready to rumble for bonding.

Mind you, the energy of my body will be as receptive as a duckling

But my mind will be a steel trap.