My Father Died Yesterday

No feelings, no different, don’t mind at all.

No attachment, no reaction, it’s like I’m a wall.

Can’t apologize really, he didn’t care about we girls.

We weren’t boys after all which would have been worth the world.

If he had he’d have said so between letters and gabs

But instead, there was silence and non-apologetic stabs.

It’s a very odd feeling to not flinch in the least about the passing

of a man that did this great feat.

What great feat? I only have 2% of my parent’s genes

It’s the case for us all so big deal, sign the lease.

My little sister stayed quiet about his behavior at home

Me, on the other hand, I wouldn’t leave the truth alone.

So “Family is Everything” say the placards aplomb

I say “Self-esteem, the truth,  and taking care” wins hands down.

Woman on a mountain

Snow Crystals

(Thanks everyone for all the likes on this. I love writing prose and will continue.)đź’ś

I lose my gaze in a myriad of crystal snowflakes
wending their way to the earth.

I wonder if they could be the scads of tears, prayers, thoughts,
and meanderings of humans all over the Earth
who didn’t quite ascend their minds to the pure, white-hot, burning light of well-being to be absorbed by the sun.

The snows will always return until humans are magnetic and hot…

The snows return to earth under
the sacred gaze of bright cardinals robed in red and
chickadees who speechlessly honor and guard their sacred prayer.

Their temple is truly the bare tree,
The faithful, the crystals, kneeling to bow to the cold wind easing to a snail pace…
the evergreen, the stalwart, pounding, sacred heart of the earth who doesn’t even know what forgiveness is. It’s unnecessary.

Blessings to all the Earth’s living to be born again in the winter white.

©1/2/11 Lisa Townsend

winter image

I Make My Bed

I make my bed as though someone other than me might want to lay on it to relax…

Doubtful.

Fans, fanatics, stalkers, jealous husbands, jealous siblings, errant preachers, starry-eyed parents, and students all seeking some higher bedding more like a cloud…nothing low to ground where I am.

Doubtful.
It’s so…fake.

“THIS is who you are”. “THIS is who you are”…”This is who you are” rings the cacophony.

I am not going to spend my last breath, defying all of you because you are surface dwellers; American Idol, Desperate Housewives watchers. Fantasy. I hate TV.

I’m glad my son can cry and be tired. It means he’s human. That’s all there is.

I’m glad I can kick my ex out of the house for insulting my talent. It means I’m human.
All I have is myself and time…

Let me divorce all that is not calm and in balance.
Ring out the true madness that jumps up…to lightness.
Jumps up…to levity
Jumps up…to where gravity is turned upside down.
My feet are my head. Who cares? Must we always walk?

I want to live in a dimension where upon meeting someone I like, I kiss them with ridiculous abandon.

©Lisa Townsend-2011


	

If We’re Not Thinking in Dreams…

They know by studying the brain that we are not “thinking” while we sleep.

If I’m not thinking, then where are the people, places, voices, words, events, and feelings coming from? It’s not exactly like watching a movie; it’s more like an opaque, frenetic cloud that’s really alive.

I’m free in my dreams to sit back or join in, to interact or be quiet without judgment. Waking life is a dream for me. All day, while I’m “awake”, I’m trying to go back to my dream state to remember how I felt, who I saw, and what happened. It feels like there is a whole other life full of etheric information for me there. Waking life feels like just a resonance in a type of magnetic can; the kind you string together.

Where did I go? I know it was a good place because it affects my day, depending on where I went that night.

I’m not saying I don’t like it here, or earth, but the other side does beckon somehow. I’m a bit glad of that for when my body is worn to a frazzle at one-hundred years old, my work is done, and I’ve had the best damn orgasm I can possibly have with someone I love, it will be easy to drift off and say, “My work here is done.  I’m out.”  My senses and my body still want to drink in all that earth has to offer.

Earth is fabulous, no matter how hard it can get here.

earth magnetic portals - hidden

 

Sweet Earth

The smell of the grass, the trees, the fresh air in my lungs, the blood coursing through my body; that is sweet.

The physical presence of the soil beneath my feet and the sunlight in my eyes, that is true earthly sweet love and nurturing.

Humans aren’t there most of the time for each other anymore-especially when things are going well. Our culture has taken peoples time and minds from earthly awareness so that we are lucky to see each other for one hour a month if that.  I’m not going to make myself sick just so people will come running to me, keep me company, and nurture me while I lie there. How is that companionship? I thought people who loved you wanted to share good times with you, not just bad?

The earth and my body are there for me constantly and give to me all the time, even when I’m confident and feeling really happy. The Earth doesn’t abandon me when I’m happy or treat me like a barking dog because I’m a woman that speaks up! I honor and think of the earth all the time in return.

I’m in love with the Earth. That is my sustenance, healing, and love. I guess it will remain so until I’m done here.

fall leaves

Wanting to Be Right

Why do we want to be right all the time?

Why do I want to be right most of the time?

Why do I glee over saying, “See, I was right!”

Because we doubt ourselves too much so we are reassuring ourselves by saying it.

Because others who doubt themselves doubt us and say it!

Because others project their experience of being shunned for being or doing something that was wrong, onto us.

Because “if you make a mistake, you are forgiven”, isn’t widely practiced.

So, now I try to catch myself and say, “Lisa, do what you feel, study what you feel, write what you feel and use the best skill you’ve got.  That’s all you can do.”  I’ve got a lot of skill and I’ve paid the piper so I have no reason to doubt myself.  Whether anyone will listen and understand, I don’t know.

And now, when someone criticizes me harshly when I meant absolutely no harm and never do, I know that they have not forgiven themselves for being wrong or someone else has not forgiven them for being wrong or vice versa.

It closes the heart.

Wow, the feeling of being around someone with a closed heart and lots of conditions, or an open heart and few conditions, is night and day.

Dissolving

Dissolve people from my space that do not take care of themselves. I’m not your healer. I’m healing myself from victims and off-loaders. You heal yourself, I don’t heal you. That’s not my head trip, that’s yours.

Dissolve people from my space that think I should be on a saint pedestal just because I have integrity and do good in the world. I’m just a human being that refuses to tolerate certain energy just like everyone else. I’m SO happy to disappoint them when they compete with me when there is nothing to compete with. Everyone is different. Don’t compete with me. Read my book, then compete with the death and suffering that I never hold onto and know how to release. Dare you! No pity. That’s ego too. Compassion is all that’s called for; for me and yourself.

Dissolve people from my space that expect me to lead them into the light and refuse to do it for themselves. I’m not God nor do I want to be. Walk into your own light after I show you how!

Dissolve people from my space that say they care and then try to put me under their boot when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Dissolve relationship with family members that don’t know how to let go of negative emotion and want me to be as dependent as they are. No. I don’t need to be.

Dissolve ties to people who walk late into a meeting they set up with me and immediately say, even before we begin, that they want nothing to do with me ever again after this meeting. REALLY!? Grow up. There is not going to be a meeting because you want to dominate, not discourse. I don’t work with people who want to dominate. I work with people who respect me enough to be my equal.

You want your power back?…I just handed it back to you because you erroneously gave it OVER to me when I never fucking asked for it!

Dissolve those who are always up to something, say they support you, then they vampire energy from you because they don’t take care of themselves.dissolving

Done. Dissolved. Happy to be just human. Happy to never, ever, ever want anyone to put me on a fucking pedestal just so they can try to knock me off to prove something to themselves.

You’re jealous of my strength and achievement? Then be jealous of the death, loss, vampiric sucking, hate, and jealous family to whom I courageously flip the bird to in order to get to this point. I know I deserve to be happy and abundant and not be surrounded by people that want to either worship me or destroy me for their selfish ego purposes.

Go away.

I’m just a human being with friends doing the work I love.

How the Light Changes

Once the sun comes up, the sun in my eyes charges my brain like a battery.

The position of the shadows on the wall meanders aimlessly to new places like a squirrel trying to find a home for his peanut.

The refraction off of the green leaves will meet its demise when the colors change and drop like so many ancestors on our family tree. Into the ground, they go.

We’re all soiled phantoms, you know.

One day full of light and life, and soon, the Earth reclaims us.

Do you know there hasn’t been one, single human body to escape this transformation?

What happens to our light and life, like that green leaf?

The light changes.

Ready To Rumble For Bonding

 

femalewarrior

 

Fight.  I’m ready to rumble for bonding.

So…no phone or text and no e-mail.

E-mail?  How am I going to get my edits?…and I went through editing withdrawal.

Do you know what that’s like as a writer?  I thought my head would explode.

I’m going over there…To the HOUSE.

He says, “I can’t believe you came over here.”

I was cut off!  I had no communication choice to get my work done.

He was happy to see me!  Came close to me, right into my personal space.

He cleared a chair off for me quickly, searched and found out it was his cut off to usurp my threatened cut off when the edits were done, but not before.  He goofed up.  No apology.

He sent it, I didn’t receive it.

I started this with my boundaries and he was getting his back.

Guess what I’m going to do next?

I’m going to seriously date someone else I like.

I…am…NOT…doing hook-ups and booty calls

For the last half of my life as an adult!

I have the energy for this.

Ready to rumble for bonding.

Mind you, the energy of my body will be as receptive as a duckling

But my mind will be a steel trap.

 

 

 

 

Oblivion

woman-with-orbs

Digital Artist Sandra Bauser



Time fades into oblivion

One memory, one vision of you and I feel whole again.

I remember your voice, your smell, the feel of you next to me.

In time, it was so long ago, yet to my mind, it was yesterday.

My love for you is as natural as my heartbeat.