I’m Jealous


I’m publishing this again because I’m no longer jealous. I figured it out and myself and turned it around. But…this was most definitely true about a month ago. Life is a rampage. We mostly have to tangle with ourselves and what we want. Jealously is projecting your wishes for yourself onto someone else. In this case, who better than my Twin Flame to take the brunt of it. I have to say, I’m not particularly enjoying this journey. There is so much mirroring! It’s a good thing he lives in a western state, 1840 miles away at this point.

Image result for image of a woman jealous of a man's power

God, it’s horrible. I’m not a jealous person but I am right now! I’m never jealous of anyone because I really do love myself generally. Of course, we all have things we need to work on in our character but I do a self-inventory regularly and I’m patient with my process. My issues with men for thirty years turned into resentment and now I see it as jealousy. I’m jealous that by virtue of their gender, what men say, write, and do is taken 100% more seriously than women. When they write a book, it will likely sell. I’m smarter and more literate than most men and it’s doubtful that my non-fiction work will ever get traction. That said I haven’t tried yet because I don’t think it’s perfect. I need to edit it down further. It’s too long.

Have you noticed that women write stories, fiction, and cookbooks and it flies? Unless a woman leaves her receptive femininity and beauty at the door (like Camille Paglia) and is no-holds-barred intellectual, no one will hear a word she says. Women have to display their male characteristics to be heard in public.

I am jealous, I realized, of my Twin Flame. Why did he get to come onto earth in his perfect, thin, small cut male body that doesn’t bleed from the inside and doesn’t feel this neurotic need to sacrifice for his children and nurture others?

Since he is my twin flame, he’s the literal embodiment of my animus. This is part of the Twin Flame journey in facing myself in the mirror. He is perfect physically (although he doesn’t think so) and it makes me sick! He looks exactly the way I always wished I could look since high school. My body was almost exactly like his in high school but less muscle. I was a trim 137 when I was a junior. Both of us are only 5’4″; the same height so there really is no justification for either of us to weigh more than 150.

He doesn’t have all this rampaging estrogen that makes his body thick with the desire to bake cheesecake and cookies, to feed others and be fed. He gets to have all the testosterone that causes him to burn fat much quicker than me because men have more muscle than women, which also gives him more aggression and confidence in the face of life’s challenges where I want to retreat. Women don’t want to fight generally speaking. That’s hormonal! We’re estrogen dominant which makes us peaceful, chatty, and horny.

Robert Downey Jr.

The worst part is the social advantages. Everybody listens to a man speak his mind no matter what color his skin is, just because he’s a man! Men’s ideas, thoughts, inventions, writing, and words dominate our world. Watch the public panels and meetings, the powerful Congressional committees and the staff of most universities. They’re men. Even white women are below all men in the human caste system. ALL men, every creed, color, intelligence level, criminal or not are listened to and taken more seriously than any woman by virtue of their gender. Well, gender is not a virtue; it’s just a biological difference.

There are many brilliant women on the planet of every creed and color and our ideas and writing need to be acknowledged if they’re good. But can anyone hear a woman’s ideas as good or will their bias always get in the way or her looks be too distracting for you to listen to her? All of our minds have been brainwashed to objectify women. Women especially do it to each other.

If a woman has a bigger brain than boobs in our patriarchal system, she doesn’t have as much power. Who is more famous; Stormy Daniels or Camille Paglia? “Who is Camille Paglia?”, you all say. Exactly.

She’s a brilliant writer and equity feminist that refuses to have sex with men and roots for their just treatment as much as women. I agree with her. Stormy Daniels is a huge chested porn star that had a liaison with Donald Trump, but she’s on the news all the time. The whole world knows who she is.

I’ve got my inner work cut out for me on this one. Jealously is a terrible trait that can only be turned by applying love. I’m not there yet.

gorgeous pic

 

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Beauty Bias


“You can’t judge a book by its cover,” my Dad said as he was backing out of the driveway of Grandma’s house (his mother). I remember sitting in the backseat of our old Buick in the 70’s as a little girl and this is one of the few things my father said off the cuff that sank into my little brain like a brick floating to the bottom of the lake.  Aren’t those odd moments when your mind picks up what someone teaches you and for some nebulous reason, you never forget it! While it’s happening, you can feel how heavy and solid their words are and you have no idea why.

For God’s sake, as an adult, I realize that so much of my father’s values didn’t square with his behavior, but sometimes it did. Is that incongruity, that double-dipping into our own psyche just part of being human?  He lusted after Barbara Eden right in front of us as children but we always thought it was funny because Mom looked very much like her, so that was ok.  He always paid the bills and went to work, ran for public office and attended church three times a week, but the hypocrisy was generally there in other ways.

This post isn’t about my father, but he and my mother both instilled in me, actually by a good example, that life was not about looks or climbing a social ladder and neither of them did it either. Sure, there were family secrets, but on this score, they rated high. They really taught me not to objectify myself, even though I was very pretty and talented from a young age.  Mom did some anyway, but Dad countered it, maybe as a kind of competition with her and his freedom training won the day with me. My mom did not get her way.

I recently just heard about beauty bias. That may sound lame but I don’t pay much attention to or take seriously, how people look. I take care of myself, have lost weight, and naturally look 40 even though I’m 55. I’m not trying to. I just live healthily. Now I am seriously treated differently by men and women. The men are coming after me more, even the ones in their twenties and the women are competing with me or maybe jealous and treating me worse.  They’re going to have a hard time hating me though because I’ve been to hell and back with men I love dying. Their pity and sympathy may counter their jealousy for a bit longer. I’m sure their conscience will twist and knot around them if they start to go into that dark tunnel. I’m so aware of how the percentages change based on social expectation. “Why is she doing so well when she’s been through what no normal person goes through?” , must be the question ringing in their heads.  I think it’s hilarious. Because they don’t have an answer, I’m treated a bit like a leper, a miscreant, a freak.

This post isn’t about them either. Beauty and intelligence bias which is seriously real and has been well-documented is repugnant to me and seriously foisted on those of us that have a plethora of both like a millstone around our necks. It’s just more superficial garbage from a culture that knows no bounds to objectification. My value system and my heart seriously care about most human beings and sees the world through spiritual eyes…because I want to; because I can. I haven’t absorbed the values of our larger society or our world. As my alcoholic sister say’s to me, “You’re a freak! Maybe she’s right which means I’m also a selfish bitch by her estimation. Never mind her. I know I’m neither of those things and I do love myself and the life I’ve chosen. The woman was born hating herself and her life and learned very little during the time she’s been given. There is no way my parents could have treated her worse than she’s treated herself and others.

This post isn’t about her either. It’s just amazing the masks we all have to wear to explain these outside layers. How does anyone really know who we are, including ourselves? Writers know that the books we write ARE judged by their covers and we’re told to spend plenty of time and money picking it out. It’s the magnet for people to buy the book. But how many people actually read the book? Maybe they just look at the cover.

My book is about how beauty bias objectification from men toward me has ruined every job I’ve ever been in and slowed down my progress to be taken seriously for my skill, ideas, and intelligence. I don’t think I’ll ever be healed from that shit until I’m dead but I’m sure not going to stop talking or writing even though people’s brains can barely listen to a word I, or others like me, say.

 

 

The Priest Died


I talk about the experience I had working with a Catholic priest in my new book “Healer”. I just found out he died of lung cancer last year, just as my son’s father did seven months previous to that.  He was a smoker, drinker and lived a fast, loose jazz life as a cabaret singer before he was ordained.  It was a seamless career transition, no doubt.

This part isn’t in the book, but I worked with him as the liturgy director for Triduum in 2009, which is similar to putting on a complex Easter performance over three days, conducting many musicians and playing all the keyboards.  I had to focus and lead during this time.  It was a lot of work and my first time tackling it! I lived quite a distance from the parish so I requested a hotel room nearby before the busiest of the three days.  I was told they would cover the cost.

The priest had been bothering and flirting with me previous to this but I didn’t expect what came next.  He called me up and expected to have a liaison with me that weekend at the hotel. I wouldn’t do it so he refused to pay for my room! I told the church secretary he wouldn’t pay it and what had happened. She just snickered, as though I should know how the game was played.  She was playing it herself with him, after all, and this confirmed it.  I had other proof and it was in my report to the Diocese before I quit.

I guess I’m not a team player, especially as a woman in the workplace no matter where I go. I took care of myself, paid for the room, and decided I could not be bought my male superiors on a job whether they’re doctors or priests.  There is more to the story, but the short of it is I’ve never been put through the dark ringer as much as I was by this guy. Good riddance your holiness. Now I have to figure out how to forgive him. At least I know I’ll never run into him.

 

The Paperback of “Healer” is Printed and Available for Sale on Amazon along with the Kindle E-book.


Healers heal themselves, they don’t heal others. We can share our work with others though so they can be about taking care of themselves also. Healers are authentic, living examples of how we can step out of our subconscious imprinting from parents, family, and provincial upbringing to create our conscious mind and live a truly free life of our choosing. We also know how to access the information in our unconscious mind through the dream state. The unconscious mind transcends intellect, brings forward intuition and allows it to MANIFEST in physical! The information in the dream state, where there is no thinking, is available to everyone.

My book “Healer” is published


 

My first book is available through the Kindle Store.  The direct link to purchase it is:

 

“Our families mean a lot to most of us, but they can also attempt to block or control our choices. Many times, we don’t talk about that part because we feel they provide us with a measure of emotional and social security we wouldn’t have otherwise.

We now know that the subconscious mind is programmed by our parents in utero and through the first few years of life. How can we overstep that programming and move into our conscious mind where we make our own choices as adults?

Seventeen years of hands-on clinical experience with patients taught Lisa many ways to achieve it. She learned how to reclaim power over her life and teach it to her patients using holistic medicine and holistic values, Reiki, and Tzolkin Cosmology.

Synchronicity, not coincidence starts to figure into events.  Everything happens for a reason.  Once the lesson is learned, it can be released.”

The paperback will be available for sale in early September, also on Amazon Kindle Store.   Enjoy!