Essay; Sexual Shaming of Men


 

man-in-doubt

I’ve been thinking about this issue for about a year now but it coalesced last night when I read a quite long, but well-thought-out blog post on this site that made light of how many women absorb shame from men when we have sex with them. Before that, we’re fine, happy with ourselves, like being a woman, and like our bodies. I think women are getting better at accepting our bodies as they are and the media is helping with that. I know I am. There are more women of all different sizes on T.V. and in all media. The SIZE SHAMING, no matter what size, has decreased. More women understand that it’s more important for us to love ourselves than to please a man.

But, reading her blog, I immediately related to the experience of being mystified as to why a man I was with would turn pornographic in his tone, talked about how hot I was, did the sweetie, beautiful “speak” and then wanted to get sexually nasty as opposed to sensuous and intimate. My assumption is it’s the testosterone and most women consider it normal. The last lover I had said, “Why do you have to be so seductive?” “Me? Seductive?” I’m a chipmunk! What was he talking about? I don’t think he was seeing who I was; he was seeing who he wanted and needed to see. He was projecting. Women are individuals not porn stars and it’s objectifying to treat us like we’re part of your MENTAL fantasy, not a person in front of you. But again, I’m not sure men can help it because of the shame they’re socialized with. Their minds are all cluttered up with objectifying materialism which makes them feel better. Their feelings are stimulated by things; women’s bodies, food, cars, houses, boats, and on and on. I’m not sure women understand this.

How much does that happen? Probably all the time. It’s men’s fantasy need of having a car or motorcycle that reminds them of a childhood toy that they loved. Then they imagined they were a superhero on that vehicle and some adult males still do it. They get a life-sized one and keep the fantasy going. It’s objectification that transfers over to sex with a woman. I suppose this underlies the barely clad woman advertising a car that is so nauseating to us.

It’s something to keep in mind that men probably watch a tremendous amount of porn because they can’t express their sexual feelings as much as they need to or the way they want to in our civilization that shames it. Most men are not relational, not romantic and don’t want to be yet many women need that to be turned on! If he acquiesced, he would be too much like a woman and he’s not a woman, he’s a man, which means he’s a part wild animal, part human. Not all men are of course but most of them are. It’s scary for some women like me when they turn wild animal. I guess other women like it.

I think that men project a lot onto women, as though it’s our issue, about how turned on they are by feeling ashamed, nasty, or mean. OR…is shame projected on to them from all sides FOR BEING male as though they are expected to be like that even if they are not? The writer I read didn’t say that in her blog or maybe she doesn’t understand it.  I think men get turned on by feeling repulsed. They’re attracted to women and things that are not nice and that are uncivilized and wild. It’s all that testosterone blasting through their brains that blows everything up. It’s the opposite of most women. I know some women are attracted to pain and ugliness, like a sadistic thing but it’s not terribly common. Still, I’m not judging it. Nevertheless, I am not that way.

It appears to me that everything in our civilization exists as it is to control men’s sexual nature and make things peaceable for women and children. Before, most of the time it was working. NOW, society seems to be tearing itself apart because men’s sexual nature is finally coming to the surface, there is more awareness of abuse of women and children, guns are everywhere which men love (you don’t see women using them in public much), we see incest, pedophilia, and sex trafficking at the highest levels of institutions, all the lies, and control about it are coming forward, the institutions don’t know exactly how to lie about it anymore. Men are victims of the system too otherwise they wouldn’t be victimizing those more vulnerable than them. It’s a trickle-down from the women and men in power who hold the system in place.

Civilization uses guilt, shame, control, incarceration, blaming women, sports, and the media all to LIE about men’s sexual nature. I guess we’re still working on a balance to our civilization as though it’s progressed from being in the wild. Sometimes I think it’s worse because it represses the true feelings and then they explode to the surface.

 

 

Heartset; We Can Get a Room…


puzzle-klimt-eventail-index

Most women suck it up even though they don’t want to right away. What if you haven’t met him yet? What if you’ve just talked long distance for a long time? I have to get a vibe in person with a guy. I freakin’ don’t get why guys don’t care about that! They should. I did in the past but I’m not doing it anymore because I deserve to be turned on the way I get turned on. The pleasure of sex is for women also.

I understand and respect the fact that men are ego invested about offering a hookup to a woman and she turns him down when she’s indicated before that she’s attracted to him. It’s a huge deal to a dude. Especially if you already know each other. On the other hand, if a guy just met you and asks for a hook-up he’s basically treating you like a free prostitute. That’s just disgusting. No.

Not doing a hookup with an egomaniac or your boss can get you fired if they want you! That’s how mad guys get. I’ve experienced it first hand. If they know you and you’ve both been flirting, they expect a “Yes” or I suppose they think you were teasing them. I think men take rejection harder than women do. I try not to be too hard on men that let me know they like me but the boundaries do have to be maintained and I have a history of maintaining them in the workplace and in my own office, to the frustration of quite a few men.

I don’t think most women are teasing. I believe we’re thinking, pondering, and checking, putting it through our intuitive radar because women know energy is exchanged as well as body fluids. That’s how we are with men if the woman has any self-respect. We’re in the laboratory of sexual attraction and IT IS NO EASY MATTER FOR US! We need you guys to accept that about us. I accept that it’s simpler for men and every woman knows that. Then you need to accept that it’s more complicated for us. The man’s value system should not dictate the situation and I challenge every woman to stick up for what she wants and what she’s comfortable with. At least have some of it your way. If he’s too pushy, he can walk.

I think a good compromise is three times alone together in person, at least, after you’ve known each other for months. I know that these days that sounds like a long time but, well, that’s just me. I’m sorry but unless there is emotional intimacy I’m not turned on.

Essay; Sexual Shaming of Men


 

man-in-doubt

I’ve been thinking about this issue for about a year now but it coalesced last night when I read a quite long, but well-thought-out blog post on this site that made light of how many women absorb shame from men when we have sex with them. Before that, we’re fine, happy with ourselves, like being a woman, and like our bodies. I think women are getting better at accepting our bodies as they are and the media is helping with that. I know I am. There are more women of all different sizes on T.V. and in all media. The SIZE SHAMING, no matter what size, has decreased. More women understand that it’s more important for us to love ourselves than to please a man.

But, reading her blog, I immediately related to the experience of being mystified as to why a man I was with would turn pornographic in his tone, talked about how hot I was, did the sweetie, beautiful “speak” and then wanted to get sexually nasty as opposed to sensuous and intimate. My assumption is it’s the testosterone and most women consider it normal. The last lover I had said, “Why do you have to be so seductive?” “Me? Seductive?” I’m a chipmunk! What was he talking about? I don’t think he was seeing who I was; he was seeing who he wanted and needed to see. He was projecting. Women are individuals not porn stars and it’s objectifying to treat us like we’re part of your MENTAL fantasy, not a person in front of you. But again, I’m not sure men can help it because of the shame they’re socialized with. Their minds are all cluttered up with objectifying materialism which makes them feel better. Their feelings are stimulated by things; women’s bodies, food, cars, houses, boats, and on and on. I’m not sure women understand this.

How much does that happen? Probably all the time. It’s men’s fantasy need of having a car or motorcycle that reminds them of a childhood toy that they loved. Then they imagined they were a superhero on that vehicle and some adult males still do it. They get a life-sized one and keep the fantasy going. It’s objectification that transfers over to sex with a woman. I suppose this underlies the barely clad woman advertising a car that is so nauseating to us.

It’s something to keep in mind that men probably watch a tremendous amount of porn because they can’t express their sexual feelings as much as they need to or the way they want to in our civilization that shames it. Most men are not relational, not romantic and don’t want to be yet many women need that to be turned on! If he acquiesced, he would be too much like a woman and he’s not a woman, he’s a man, which means he’s a part wild animal, part human. Not all men are of course but most of them are. It’s scary for some women like me when they turn wild animal. I guess other women like it.

I think that men project a lot onto women, as though it’s our issue, about how turned on they are by feeling ashamed, nasty, or mean. OR…is shame projected on to them from all sides FOR BEING male as though they are expected to be like that even if they are not? The writer I read didn’t say that in her blog or maybe she doesn’t understand it.  I think men get turned on by feeling repulsed. They’re attracted to women and things that are not nice and that are uncivilized and wild. It’s all that testosterone blasting through their brains that blows everything up. It’s the opposite of most women. I know some women are attracted to pain and ugliness, like a sadistic thing but it’s not terribly common. Still, I’m not judging it. Nevertheless, I am not that way.

It appears to me that everything in our civilization exists as it is to control men’s sexual nature and make things peaceable for women and children. Before, most of the time it was working. NOW, society seems to be tearing itself apart because men’s sexual nature is finally coming to the surface, there is more awareness of abuse of women and children, guns are everywhere which men love (you don’t see women using them in public much), we see incest, pedophilia, and sex trafficking at the highest levels of institutions, all the lies, and control about it are coming forward, the institutions don’t know exactly how to lie about it anymore. Men are victims of the system too otherwise they wouldn’t be victimizing those more vulnerable than them. It’s a trickle-down from the women and men in power who hold the system in place.

Civilization uses guilt, shame, control, incarceration, blaming women, sports, and the media all to LIE about men’s sexual nature. I guess we’re still working on a balance to our civilization as though it’s progressed from being in the wild. Sometimes I think it’s worse because it represses the true feelings and then they explode to the surface.

 

 

Essay; Misconceptions About Strong Women


load the star

Strong women have been broken and usually ripped to shreds and used by family, death, life, employers, and the opposite sex and don’t sink to the bottom, use others cynically or crack up. They remain open, brave, active warriors on this very difficult planet that says “Love” all the time but doesn’t do it. They do it and it bears fruit. They understand that forgiveness is for their good, not the abuser and they don’t feel one bit of guilt about it.

The misconceptions are:

We are independent, not interdependent

We are not usually independent we are interdependent. Interdependent means we depend on others and they depend on us. We count on the people we live and work with to do self-care also so we can depend on them when we need them. We take care of ourselves so they can depend on us when they need us. This creates trust and function. It’s called adult reciprocity.

It’s harder for a man to live or bond to us

It’s impossible for a weak man to even get our attention. We are attracted to strong, self-contained men and there aren’t very many to choose from. What is weak? Poor health, poor looks, poor hygiene, poor social skills, bad teeth, poor finances, wears a baseball cap all the time, wears a suit all the time, wears sunglasses all the time, hides behind religion, cares about his orgasm more than mine, looking for a hook-up, no relationship skills, doesn’t respect women or to spend friendship time with one, believes women have their place, feels women are too controlling.

It’s exceptionally easy for a good, strong, interdependent man to live or bond with a strong woman because she’s trustworthy. Is he? She’s always there for herself and others so she’ll be there for you. You can’t really take advantage or get one over on her and she has no time to control you because she’s busy controlling her own life. Sounds sexy to me.

We need others less than most people

The truth is we really struggle to find women who aren’t jealous or won’t compete with us, who love and like us and care about our struggles and weaknesses and who haven’t sacrificed themselves lock, stock, and barrel to a spouse or family or latched themselves to a partner that defines them. We have fewer friends than most people because we tend to be dissed by most women and men so the truth is, we need people more. We also tend to invest a large amount of energy in our work.

We’re high maintenance

We are high maintenance for ourselves, not for others. Egotistical women are high maintenance. Strong women expect the most from themselves, not from others. We don’t usually expect anything from others unless they love us, understand us or offer. It’s very rare that anyone does. We’re actually the lowest maintenance person because we take care of ourselves…all the time. We actually have no choice given our values of integrity and how broken we’ve been by being kind to those that hate themselves and are looking to get, get, get, and take, not give.

We’re bitches

Strong women are confident, kind and liberal. They are not cruel and controlling. Strong women are the most loving, kind, empathic, considerate people I know and because we’re not centered in ego, others think we’re foolish or chumps. Wrong. Egotistical women are bitches and sit in their woundedness, getting revenge when they can. That’s weak. There is nothing worse on the planet than a cruel, foolish, ignorant woman. Strong women want to empower others and themselves with their work and believe in the gifts of the spirit.

We’re selfish

If you define selfish with a capital “S” then we are always working to be sitting in our Higher Self. We won’t let negativity, resentment, the past, and followers bring us down or dissuade us from our mission. We tend to be leaders and entrepreneurs. Selfish with a small “s” are usually women still stuck in their adolescence developmentally for whatever reason. It’s important for men to think about their previous relationships and decipher whether she was selfish and not project that onto a strong woman.

Strong women spend a lot of time alone because we need to replenish our energy from the joy of giving to others and taking care of ourselves at the same time. Most of us are never lonely and enjoy being single. That is the case for me. We welcome friends or partners that won’t compete, be jealous, try to put their thumb on us or break our backs to make themselves look bigger but we usually do end up alone while everyone climbs the human dog pile to see if they can get to the top and snag the trophy that means nothing to us.

Essay; So, The Men Are Just Being Friendly


zoosk

It doesn’t mean anything. When they have sex with you, they’re just being friendly! I just woke up to this and cannot stop laughing over my espresso. All the trouble they have to go through to just to be friendly with a woman! “Why do we make it so complicated?!” they cry. Lmao. And I haven’t eaten breakfast yet.

Oh my. Why do they have to bother with the fake romance and talking, and caring, and buying a drink and the lying about not seeing anyone else? Why do women have to be so human and want to bond and have a relationship? I actually don’t want a relationship with a man. Why would I pine for something that they’re not capable of? Earth is a fallow garden for us. Sex with no love. Oh yeah. Troll sex. No thanks.

I’m back to Rajesh and Penny from Big Bang Theory. Penny says, “Look, sex can ruin a friendship. I just want to go back to just being friends.” (big audience sigh which I hate bc it shows empathy for the fragile male ego but not the love and bonding needs of the female which are noble and elevate the sex bond). Rajesh says, “You can’t ruin a friendship with sex! That’s like ruining chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.” Sex with a woman is analogous to ice cream with sprinkles. There ya have it! And we’re at “Blues Clues” level or maybe Romper Room. Where’s my loot bag from the birthday party? Really guys? Yeah…really. They seem to be set at any emotional level from 2 years old to 18 years old but not very far past adolescence. The ones at the adolescence stage are angry and clever, maybe a bit crazy. If women are going to hobnob with straight men, we really need to accept this state of affairs because that’s their brain set up!
But Penny gets her way. In this scenario, he doesn’t rape her but all over the world, if a woman says “No” to a request, desire, or demand for sex she’s raped. The least that you’ll get is anger and then dissing. Am I good at sex? Hell yes. But you’re not going to find out if you aren’t truly warm and loving to me!!!! Couple that with being a smart ass about it and I’m toast.
If Rajesh was a criminal or they were in another country, Penny would not have been safe at all. This is what women have to look out for constantly with men. It’s documented in a couple books I have, one great one written by the reviled and scapegoated Hillary Clinton called “The Hillary Doctrine”. Fabulous book.

The Hillary Doctrine

I was just punished by my date! He reeled me in, didn’t get his way, and his way was unreasonable because he wanted me to travel in a snowstorm at midnight just for sex, and dropped me like a hot potato. I hope he suffers something now and I didn’t even have a second date with him. He’s f*d up to do that to a Goddess like me.

And with that, men hurl because, in order to keep us accessible at your level, you have to treat us like manipulative hoes and bitches, which in truth, none of us are. We are protecting ourselves from our proven predators. All women are Goddesses. The Gods can’t even create life. They need Mother Spirit who is the Mother of us all. But she is silenced on the planet and mortal men who would be gods and superheroes tamper with real powers of creation that reside only in the female and do not honor or protect her heart or her power because they are jealous of what they can never be; creators of life. But the men will deny their emasculating admiration for her as long as possible. For that, it’s likely the species will end once again.

Essay; Women Can Appear…


Women can appear critical but really be very accepting and patient in the long view.

We’re just natural teachers.

Women can appear stoic and in control but our hearts are breaking.

We’re just used to not being respected or loved by men so we don’t show our vulnerability.

Women can act or seem weak but we learn that superficial behavior because it’s the only way we’ll get attention or the touch we need; not sex necessarily, although sex is great if there are warmth and care.

We’re just taught by society that it’s incredibly unacceptable for a woman to be powerful and decisive because men will feel intimidated and lash out, but in truth we are powerful and we know it.

Women act like we don’t know how beautiful we are but in truth, we know how much our bodies sway others and some women exploit it to get their way.

We’re just used to being valued only for that; over-sexualized, and not for our minds. Almost all women value beauty.

Women act like they’re not as smart as men but in truth, we all tell each other we know we’re smarter and most of the time, we are. Most women hide it.

We’re just literally paid less and punished in every freaking field we enter if we show we’re smarter than the men. This is incredible oppression and depressing for us the world over. Not to mention the loss to humanity of our ideas and inventions.

Most women find men adorable in so many different ways but we continue to shake our heads at your dramatic, irrational behavior sometimes.

We just love the special one that we pick and want to be your best friend if you’ll let us. It’s not controlling, it’s love.

Please let us be who we are in our power and beauty without abandoning us or pushing us away. But if and when you do, we always have ourselves and will not allow the human species, which we carry; die because of your choices and the institutions you control. Our bodies and our hearts are PRICELESS. Every woman LOVES deeply and truly and that is our gift and our power.

The art of Gustav Klimpt

 

 

 

 

Essay; …and that’s why there is no attachment


rsz_1sex_workerProfessional sex workers are as important to men as professional therapists, counselors, and psychologists are to women. If relationships mean the world to most women, and they do, then they like therapists who help them navigate the choppy waters. Women are more complex than men. We are also given more freedom to express our emotions in society.

The same goes for men with professional prostitutes. Men are simple. Prostitutes are likely the top women on his list because they’re willing to do whatever he wants and needs to please him with no relationship so he can continue being dedicated to his work and money. Today, at this moment, that could be considered toxic masculinity. I’m really not sure. I’m observing the issue. That’s love and that’s heaven for him, just as relationships are for women.

Yet think about the fact that in American society, sex is not considered loving, is degraded, is ultra-natural and is considered to be far below bonding, relationships, and love. Two men, I’ve spoken with absolutely agree that sex can be like defecation to them and that’s fine with them. Anything physical to men is far more novel than it is to women. No woman I’ve talked to would view sex that way in a million years. Sex is spiritual and emotional for us and it really is toxic for a man to ask us to be any other way. Women that agree to that hate men.

But men are supposed to submit to female values which are widely considered to be superior. Are they? Or are these values biased? Are women’s sex values ever toxic? Like, only marrying a man for the child she can give him, the father role he can play, and the money he can provide while she does that? Isn’t she using him?

I have no position on this yet but I am examining the issue because I have very intelligent males friends (more than one), who believe it’s perfectly fine for women to be professional sex workers and treat me like they wish I was one, free of charge, no emotions. I’m not. I’m a human being, a woman with a warm heart, and a professional therapist. But the men that come into my office treat me like I should be a sex worker, unrelenting. The events in our society seem to be making men even more aggressive than before on that score!

What’s a good woman with a good heart to do who likes bonding and love? We live in a fallow garden. Our children grow up and move on with their lives. We have to cultivate doing what we love, have our own money and work and our own homes. It is a mistake to trust men or to rely on them for anything if you’re a good-hearted woman.

Above all, take care of your health. You’re the only one really keeping an eye on things. That’s the reality, only no one wants to admit it.