brought to my knees


Rumi Water

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.”― Abraham Lincoln

Sometimes memories go deeply away into the unconscious like a rabid dragon.

But sometimes they rear their grotesque head and fill my colorless brain in the morning.

My 16-year-old son, coming in the front door and dropping to his knees, weeping, after seeing his Dad for one of the last times before he died. They had a little sacramental exchange showing they were bonded forever head to heart.

It’s four years extinct but there is a harrowing rock between my throat and my heart that wells up bereaved tears into my eyes and makes my mangled heart break, wondering where all the music in the house went? His dad was a musician. And what of my son’s future without his father?

Three months later my fiance died, dropped to floor at the hospital from the flu and never came back awake. I felt like I was going to die standing there. I felt my fledgling spirit try to leave my body. Some friendly phantasm kept me there and I just went into numbing shock while a hospital helper offered me an innocuous sandwich. I thought I was going to throw up my soul. How could she offer me a sandwich? It was very odd to me.

Why am I even still here?

Death is always around me but I am full of Life. What vortex do I live in that protects me in this fragile dimension? My own.

A prophetic, intuitive one that takes great joy in serving my fellows and honing my vital body. Still, that doesn’t stop the sudden onslaught of being brought to my knees with grief and awe at what I’ve been through but still alive.

Well, part of me is not. Part of me died with them.

The death of someone you love is not something you get over it’s something you live with and becomes part of your saliferous breath. Life is not a happy merry-go-round for most of us and there’s no point in pretending.

 

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my experience working in the Catholic church


“The Ryan Commission published its 2,600-page report in 2009. Despite government inspections and supervision, Catholic clergy had, across decades, violently tormented thousands of children. The report found that children held in orphanages and reformatory schools were treated no better than slaves—in some cases, sex slaves. Rape and molestation of boys were “endemic.” “

Abolish The Priesthood

My book “Healer” documents my experience with a priest that I worked with in 2009-2010 to add to the pile of testimonials. Priests harass women too.

Here is an excerpt from my book, page 210-211. This is the section where I outlined how the priest I worked for was hitting on me and the other women in the parish so I filed a report to the Grand Rapids Diocese and resigned. I tried to get a lawyer to take my case and no one would touch it.

I rattled his cage the day he fired me with an e-mail letting him know that he was not in control of the whole thing. The content of my e-mail was this:

Nothing that you’ve done or the diocese has done to me is “in Christ.” Don’t ever use his sacred name in communicating with me again. You are all a sham and a fraud; in critical need of a heart transplant if you even have one. My heart has been ripped out because I actually loved my musicians and my kids (choir) and they loved me. For the fact that I feel my constant connection to people, I am grateful. You have no power over that. In fact, you have little if any power over anything. I don’t want you or your secretary to touch my things. I want your receptionist to get them (I e-mailed her) and (my friend who I named) to bring it to me. That is what is to be done.”

He was not able to do Mass the next weekend after he let me go. Another liturgical musician in the area who I talked to on the phone said, “Whatever you said rattled his cage.” Good! He was voluntarily in a cage. I’d like to shake it some more and throw away the key.

I was free. I did not take this lying down—literally. I find it unbelievable that men in high places continue to get away with their behavior toward women and children. The universe has my back and the back of every woman and child who has been taken advantage of by repressed men working in institutions and the hierarchies that shore them up. The repressed sexual urges that come to the surface prove that institutions organized by people will never usurp the power of Nature! The Church has long gone against the proclivities of The Earth and women, and it will not stand. We need to be equal in power in the home, in the church, in government, in all human institutions or those institutions can cease to exist! That’s fine too. I know many women abuse their power as well, but because most men have more physical power than women, are shored up by the patriarchal boys’ club, and have a harder time controlling their mind and body, it’s an issue.

At the end of this debacle, my marriage and career were in shambles, and I had nothing to lose, as usual. It was time for me to be true to myself and open the holistic clinic that I had always dreamed of. But it would take some doing and some time. I had time now.

Part way into this, while I was planning my holistic clinic, I got a  call from another priest from a parish south of Grand Rapids that was somewhat hip. I knew this fellow a bit, thought him to be decent, and I knew I could work with him. He called me and asked me to come and interview for this full-time parish position. It was an enormous church, and the salary would have been excellent. I was certainly qualified for it.

My heart was not in it. I was still angry and had not forgiven anyone nor had anyone asked me for forgiveness. I had lost complete faith or inspiration in anything Catholic or Christian and trusted none of it. Also, I had talked to a few liturgical musicians in Grand Rapids who agreed about the atmosphere for women in the Church. They understood. The priest on the phone was disappointed and tried to talk me into forgiving the situation.

Of course, he did not know the details, as far as I am aware, although the particular priest I had worked with had a reputation in the diocese. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew he was not held in high regard.

I did not want to work with the Church after all of this. Also, I could not commit to working fifty-sixty hours a week at this large parish, knowing I would be a single mother and have to raise my son by myself because my fallen away Catholic ex-husband was not pulling his weight.

I do believe someone at Aquinas had my back and recommended me for that position, and for that I’m grateful. I just do not support the dogma or policies of the Catholic Church at all. Not only that, I feel the United Nations should shut the Vatican down as an illegal organization. Note that I am not saying Catholic churches should be closed. I love the Catholic laity. The hierarchy is the problem, not the people. The hierarchy harbors pedophiles and predators, and it puts a stamp of approval on abuse of women and does not condone birth control which is terrible for women.

It is an outrage. I wish the parishes would become independent and find their own priests, which would include women leaders.

 

 

a middle-aged, healthy woman gives up nothing during sex; she gains.


zoosk

This article is so interesting as far as the male psyche goes. I had to read several sections a few times to understand it and I still need to mull it over.

Men Lose Respect for Women With Whom They Have Sex

“Some men and many women have been socialized into thinking that the woman gives up something during sex. This speaks to the male’s vision of conquest. He believes that he has said or done something to make the woman give in to him. He knows his true intentions are less than honorable, and so he projects his own internal sense of unworthiness onto the female by saying it is she, not him, who is worthless, easy, fast, desperate, stupid, etc. for falling prey to his advances. This kind of thinking completely strips the woman from having any natural right to her sexual desires and her choice to act upon such desires.”

The men don’t always say it’s the woman. My date felt guilty about himself because we were extremely lusty with each other. I never feel guilty about my body or sex so he was alone in that. But that last sentence is not something I’ve ever allowed but always wondered why my attitude wasn’t going anywhere. The energy would just fall flat so it seems it’s true. We are not empowered as women ruling over our own body yet, fully.

I’m dating on Zoosk again, having learned a few things the first time around with middle-aged men. I’ve had two bizarre dates in one week. The nice part was both men were very good looking, showed up, and we had good talks. The matching theme was they were both still hung up emotionally on past women and felt the woman broke their heart. They barely had anything good to say about her and blamed her for the end of things. I didn’t stand a chance to even start anything with either one of them. So why did they date me? One was just to talk and the other was horny and wanted sex. This was months or years ago and they hadn’t gotten over it. I’ve always conjectured that men get far more emotionally attached in a steady relationship with a woman but my experience with these men proves it. Guys are squishy!

The second thing is they tend to feel guilty about their sexuality probably because it’s so easy for them to just f*k and not be emotionally involved at all. I think they deplore themselves to a certain extent just because it so natural to them. I’ve even conjectured that men prefer to have sex with bad, cruel women because it’s a turn on for a man with low self-esteem which is many of them. They’re not really attracted to happy, lovely women. The younger men who are looking for a mate and mother for his children will look for a woman like that to marry because she is acceptable to his family but then choose a racier, wild woman on the side. It serves his desire for novelty. It’s not that he doesn’t love his wife, it’s that she’s too busy with the kids to be sexually deviant, to keep him entertained, and may not be a lusty type of woman.

Third, they were both pretty depressed, not happy campers. They both hinted at being lonely and talked about their kids and family far more than I did. I am the opposite of all of that so none of that sits well with me with a guy. Now that I think of it, every man I’ve been married to or dated has told me he’s depressed. It’s an epidemic. Not so with women. Women tend to be happy or know how to make themselves happy. I’m happy generally speaking and doing very well single.

“Women are perceived as being a threat simply because of their desirability. One facet to explore would be that the male ego is built upon a need or a drive to conquer, to expand, to be strong, to be dominant, etc and in the end, it is the female whom the male inevitably feels weak to.”

This quote applies directly to a good friend that I really like and am attracted to who is out of state. He’s as much as said this and I’ve been confused by it for ten months. The last thing I’ve ever tried to do with a man is to control him. I don’t have time or desire to conduct a man’s life yet he keeps saying women are so controlling. What kind of women has he been in a relationship with? Weak ones with no life and no ambition, no dreams? Co-dependent ones? I’m looking at that far away in the rear view mirror.

“Men are quite aware of how much we mean to them and this need for us can easily be misconstrued as being a weakness. So what do men do about their weakness? What do they do about things that they feel are beyond their wilful control? They try to deny their vulnerability while forcing their will. Thus women have many rules, stigmas, religious guidelines and laws to ensure that we are kept in a psychological position of subservience. It is no secret that most men do not like to even think of the woman of their affection being with another man. (possession) Fear causes men to manipulate women into denying their feminine desires which in turn causes us to feel guilty and sinful for certain behaviors.”

Nope. Not happening in my world. My male friend has been trying to keep me on a hook in just this way although he would never admit it. We both love each other as friends, spoken! We are both very hot for each other…spoken! We both want to have sex…spoken! But now he says he won’t go there with me because he “never does relationships”. Yes, he has. He told me he’s had two serious relationships with a woman. He’s friend-zoned me but I may have done it first frankly after he cavalierly said, “We can get a room.” The friend zone may as well be the “Twilight Zone” as far as I’m concerned unless I consider him my gay friend even though he presents very straight. Well, I believe him based on what he’s told me and the fact that he’s never been married. I don’t know what’s going on. The short of it is, we have so much in common and are so attracted to each other that we’re not ready to go there yet. I’m cool.

I’m leaving it to lie and getting what I need from other men. I’m not staying on his hook but it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I do. But I won’t be controlled or denied sexually. No way no how. That’s an empowerment issue for me. Women need sex! Middle-aged women need sex! Are you going to supply it or not fella?

I don’t know if men in the U.S. think this way. I hope not. I do believe we’re coming to a more equitable sense of responsibility as consenting adults. The exception would be the religious men; Christians, who continue to want to be married and “take care of” a woman. This all needs to drop away. My last date was a Christian and he had no conception whatsoever of my humanity and conceiving of me as an independent woman taking care of myself. It was lost on him. That said, he was a very nice guy. Most of the men on Zoosk are Christian which is extremely troubling. That’s not going to work for me at all.

We’ll see. No sex the first date, that’s for sure. The way I’m feeling about my out of state friend who I talked to today, he’s the only one I want right now. Uh oh.

Affinity blogging; Find humor in the crazy situation and set yourself free — joypassiondesire


“My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.” – Jim Carrey This is such a wonderful quote because it takes the edge off the pain. Instead of wallowing in your suffering and feeling sorry for yourself, find humor in this crazy situation and allow […]

via Find humor in the crazy situation and set yourself free — joypassiondesire

I can really relate to this post. In my Deep t.Issue Therapy and Reiki office I try to keep the mood light, smile and laugh. However, my patients are coming in with serious pain, health, and sometimes emotional issues. Once I get into their deep tissue, either talking, stories, or in the case of Reiki, tears start to flow. I am detached as a practitioner but it’s a part of my job I’m learning to accept even though I prefer to have fun.

You see, as much as I agree with Jim Carrey and do it myself, my patients have been through the wringer and I have to walk a tightrope. Every day I have to use my intuition with a patient and modify my approach.

Intuition is Biological


if you're intuitive you're highly intelligent

Sara Griffiths is a writer for The Daily Mail in the U.K. She wrote this article.

Intuition is Biological

Lower exposure to testosterone in the womb gives females an extra ‘sense’

  • Scientists describe intuition as automatic, unconscious thought, while reflexive thought requires conscious analysis and takes more effort
  • A University of Granada-led study carried out a test on 600 students to see whether men are less intuitive than women
  • They looked at the ‘digital ratio’ – an indication of prenatal testosterone levels – that compares the length of two fingers
  • Men have a lower ratio and responded in a more reflexive way in the test, while women gave more intuitive answers indicating intuition is biological

That said, some men have low testosterone and some women have it higher. So, the issue is not gender but testosterone level.

Scientists describe intuition as thoughts that are processed unconsciously and automatically, requiring little cognitive effort, while reflexive thought requires conscious analysis and takes more effort. Intuitive thoughts are considered to be more emotional, while analytical thoughts are more rational.

The last suggestion is incorrect and a false dichotomy. It’s actually been proven that reductionist, rational analysis is slower and less efficient. Intuition is emotional and rational but the person doesn’t indulge in either one. Both of those just flow like a river. The intuition uses the entire brain, both hemispheres, left and right, rational and creative to illuminate reason. Intuition is a high level of reasoning. Intuitive people also have higher intelligence and reasoning ability.

It is repression or denial of emotion that shuts off reasoning ability. Emotions have been proven to be uploaded to every cell of the body via the amino acid peptides. Your body has to read what’s going on emotionally or you could die. If you’re engaging in an activity or thought pattern that is destructive and you don’t allow your body to read it’s emotion in response to it, you’re in danger. Men do this all the time with their bodies and drop over. It’s also part of post-war PTSD. They pump up their testosterone to overstep their intuition and it essentially makes them lose their mind. Of course, women do it to trying to have more power in a patriarchal system. They think that mimicking men will make them better than everyone else but not very many women do because it’s SO antithesis to our natural body flow.

Intuitive thinking is quicker and makes more sense. All men and women need to hone their intuition to increase their intelligence and reasoning ability. It’s a no-brainer. Or shall I say, a whole-brainer?

 

 

 

The Way It Works is…


man and woman

My intuition has taught me…

Talking is easy for women and sex is not. Sex is not superficial for us.

Sex is easy for men and talking is not. Talking is not superficial for men.

Women need sex to grow. Men need talking to grow. Make sure you each have what you need the way you need it. Men love a woman they know they can talk to honestly. Women love a man they know cares about their body and physical health and happiness.

If a man wants to talk to you or keeps calling you to talk he’s probably in love with you, especially if you haven’t had sex yet. Remember, sex doesn’t mean anything to men. They don’t bond through sex the way women do unless they have a mental and heart connection to you.

If a woman wants to have sex with you but not talk all the time she’s probably in love with you or at least loves you. Remember, women talk all the time. It’s superficial to us. Talking doesn’t mean anything to us. The body does; sex does. We bond through sex whether anyone realizes it or not. A man who doesn’t want to have sex with you but wants to talk doesn’t want you to bond to him. He just wants to feel fake bonded to you like a fantasy. That’s actually epidemic right now. It’s offloading to use women to talk and then not have sex with them. He’s probably getting superficial sex elsewhere.

Men don’t deserve to be beaten up for being superficial about sex any more than women should be punished for being superficial about talking. Sex is a male conversation which they can be superficial about or deep. The same is true for women, talking, and connecting. But both sides need to have their needs met. If you use each other there will be karma.

Who sticks?


grain of sand

A tumbling grain of sand in life’s waters…

Who is gritty and sticks to that grain and who doesn’t?

The grain of sand slowly become a quartz crystal…or the destiny of becoming a mirror, or some precious stone.

Who is gritty, sticks, and helps me expand and who doesn’t? This is the difference between personal love and the love of all who cross your path.

May 26, 2012-Lisa K. Townsend

Self-Interest


being alone

It’s fairly natural and normal for people to put their own self-interests first. After all, if you don’t advocate for yourself, people will put words in your mouth, act as an authority over you and attempt to control you. None of that is good. That said, I tend to be the opposite and put others interests before my own if they are next to me. That’s why I like to be alone most of the time so I can feel myself and not just them. Tat begs the question, ” Why can’t I feelmysel anthe atthe sae time?” I can if I know and trust them.

Being an empath, I’m like a sponge or a cell phone tower picking up the vibes of others and I’m very sensitive to them. I am getting better at shutting it off. But in our offloading, chaotic culture, it’s like a trash heap of vibes and others aren’t even aware they’re doing it so I have my personal defense up.

However, in personal relationships, putting your self-interests ahead of others is selfish and it may be hard for them to get to know you. That may be the way you want it. It’s the way most of us had to function growing up with parents that had expectations of us or were abusive and controlling. I find human beings to be more difficult to deal with than animals or nature to be sure. We’ve learned to survive by being fake or not saying anything at all. I’ve had the problem in partnerships and friendships of caring more about and tuning into the other person more than they do to me. It may be true that I don’t readily express my feelings to others until I feel I can really trust them, which usually doesn’t happen. I’ve learned not to trust most humans. I think millions of people would agree with me. So in my case, I’m more in protective, observation mode than I am interested in myself more than them. In fact, when I’m with someone, I tend to be more interested in them. I am definitely a giver type person and only want to receive from a select few.

What I’m describing here is a sharing element where both parties feel free and safe to express their mood, what’s going on, what they’re working on, how they feel and what they need, knowing that the other one will listen. I will express that if the other person asks but generally I won’t otherwise.

For Others Benefit


notmypeople

It’s safe to say it’s easy to lose respect for someone that doesn’t like or respect how you process your feelings or for men who don’t process their feelings at all. It always comes out in the body silently; usually in an eating disorder or some other illness. The person doesn’t have to say a word and many times won’t because they’re being harassed for who they are naturally by some around them. Its already been proven that the feelings and thoughts go directly into the cells of the body if a person can’t discuss it or say it for fear of more offloading from others. There’s nowhere else for it to go. Here is my article on it with page numbers that will refer you to the specific lab tests done at the NIH proving it!

Emotion carrying peptides in our bodies cells

EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS FEELINGS WHETHER THEY’RE AWARE OF THEM OR NOT. NO ONE IS 100% RATIONAL OR LEFT BRAINED ONLY. It’s a neurological impossibility. Therefore it’s a big human need for us to express our feelings, not just our thoughts or opinions all the time. That leads to a dead end; usually, a hypocritical one where you can say anything that’s expedient to sell something and then turn around in your private life and be exceedingly messed up. It’s almost expected in American culture to have a messed up private life.

People-who-call-you-names-only-say-it-because-they

Remember that name-calling by others is just your refusal to adjust for their benefit. Plus, they feel guilty about being who they are and are projecting it onto you. I personally have no shame or guilt. I know if I do something wrong (not on purpose but it’s still a mistake), I fix it either in myself or with the other person.  I’ve been called;

  • freak by my sister
  • different by my dad
  • too sensitive by my son’s father
  • defensive by my mom
  • lost
  • very talented
  • very smart
  • great singer with a unique voice
  • cool
  • good writer
  • unique
  • Princess (by my fiance Michael who died)
  • good hugger
  • hot and sweet
  • funny

You see it’s a mixed bag there but what is interesting are the people closest to me who know me best revile me and are hateful. That’s been going on my whole life. Halfway through my life now, I’ve realized there is no amount of love or patience that can heal a sick soul. I’m done. Also, note that the ones who say the worst things to you die early are already dead or ill. It’s their own self-loathing that makes them lash out and treat you like shit. They treat themselves like shit and it’s your duty to stay away from them and love yourself and keep improving, even if they are family members or especially because they are family members. That is what my book “Healer” is about.

It happens all the time and depending on the circumstances and how much you need to depend on the circumstances will decide whether you adjust or not. We are a social creature but our socializing is with all life, not just with humans. Many people are better friends with their pet than another human being. I totally get that. I feel that way about trees. Not squirrels though. They’re jerks. Robins are cool.

Humans are the most challenging life form with which to socialize because most are still functioning in the primate brain. Monkeys have been known to start fights on purpose, just because they feel like it, kill each other and then eat their own kind; cannibalism. That DNA is in all of us unless you are Rh negative blood type. It’s the Rhesus monkey factor. I believe it’s contributed to a host of anti-social behavioral problems in humans but it’s obvious it’s there. Rh negative folks are behaviorally very different than Rh positive.

I recommend that everyone find a way to express and develop your vision and creative self. You’ll need to get to work on it. Think positively about what you WANT to happen and don’t worry about what COULD happen. Those wishes and feelings are very powerful when applied to yourself. It’s worked gangbusters for me and really IS the intuition. Go for it! Do it silently unless you have a friend who really loves and takes care of themselves. Then they won’t attack you as your life and body improve. If you have just one person who says, “Awesome”, you’re fortunate.

 

Jealousy


jealous-ugly

Jealousy is just lying to yourself out of laziness and self-indulgence. You’d rather suck energy from others and take their credit than do the hard work yourself. That’s not a mental illness, you’re just being an asshole. You don’t love yourself and that will ruin the mind, body, and spirit. And those that are strong, not jealous, love themselves and do the work will be scapegoated. There is nothing righteous about allowing yourself to be scapegoated and letting people hurt you because they choose to be weak. Everyone is strong sometimes and weak sometimes. We need to live in a world where everyone is loved with compassion, not just weak people out of pity to soothe the ego of the other weak people.-ME