This article is so interesting as far as the male psyche goes. I had to read several sections a few times to understand it and I still need to mull it over.
Men Lose Respect for Women With Whom They Have Sex
“Some men and many women have been socialized into thinking that the woman gives up something during sex. This speaks to the male’s vision of conquest. He believes that he has said or done something to make the woman give in to him. He knows his true intentions are less than honorable, and so he projects his own internal sense of unworthiness onto the female by saying it is she, not him, who is worthless, easy, fast, desperate, stupid, etc. for falling prey to his advances. This kind of thinking completely strips the woman from having any natural right to her sexual desires and her choice to act upon such desires.”
The men don’t always say it’s the woman. My date felt guilty about himself because we were extremely lusty with each other. I never feel guilty about my body or sex so he was alone in that. But that last sentence is not something I’ve ever allowed but always wondered why my attitude wasn’t going anywhere. The energy would just fall flat so it seems it’s true. We are not empowered as women ruling over our own body yet, fully.
I’m dating on Zoosk again, having learned a few things the first time around with middle-aged men. I’ve had two bizarre dates in one week. The nice part was both men were very good looking, showed up, and we had good talks. The matching theme was they were both still hung up emotionally on past women and felt the woman broke their heart. They barely had anything good to say about her and blamed her for the end of things. I didn’t stand a chance to even start anything with either one of them.
So why did they date me? Free listening post? Offloading? One was just to talk and the other was horny and wanted sex. This was months or years ago and they hadn’t gotten over it. I’ve always conjectured that men get far more emotionally attached in a steady relationship with a woman but my experience with these men proves it. Guys are squishy!
The second thing is they tend to feel guilty about their sexuality probably because it’s so easy for them to just f*k and not be emotionally involved at all. I think they deplore themselves to a certain extent just because it’s so natural to them. I’ve even conjectured that men prefer to have sex with bad, cruel women because it’s a turn on for a man with low self-esteem which is many of them. They’re not really attracted to happy, lovely women. The younger men who are looking for a mate and mother for his children will look for a woman like that to marry because she is acceptable to his family but then choose a racier, wild woman on the side. It serves his desire for novelty. It’s not that he doesn’t love his wife, it’s that she’s too busy with the kids to be sexually deviant, to keep him entertained, and may not be a lusty type of woman.
Third, they were both pretty depressed, not happy campers. They both hinted at being lonely and talked about their kids and family far more than I did. I am the opposite of all of that so none of that sits well with me with a guy. Now that I think of it, every man I’ve been married to or dated has told me he’s depressed. It’s an epidemic. Not so with women. Women tend to be happy or know how to make themselves happy. I’m happy generally speaking and doing very well single.
“Women are perceived as being a threat simply because of their desirability. One facet to explore would be that the male ego is built upon a need or a drive to conquer, to expand, to be strong, to be dominant, etc and in the end, it is the female with whom the male inevitably feels weak.”
This quote applies directly to a good friend that I really like and am attracted to who is out of state. He’s as much as said this and I’ve been confused by it for ten months. The last thing I’ve ever tried to do with a man is to control him. I don’t have time or desire to conduct a man’s life yet he keeps saying women are so controlling. What kind of women has he been in a relationship with? Weak ones with no life and no ambition, no dreams? Co-dependent ones? I’m looking at that far away in the rear view mirror. So he is projecting and not seeing me or knowing me.
“Men are quite aware of how much we mean to them and this need for us can easily be misconstrued as being a weakness. So what do men do about their weakness? What do they do about things that they feel are beyond their wilful control? They try to deny their vulnerability while forcing their will. Thus women have many rules, stigmas, religious guidelines and laws to ensure that we are kept in a psychological position of subservience. It is no secret that most men do not like to even think of the woman of their affection being with another man. (possession) Fear causes men to manipulate women into denying their feminine desires which in turn causes us to feel guilty and sinful for certain behaviors.”
Nope. Not happening in my world. My male friend has been trying to keep me on a hook in just this way although he would never admit it. We both love each other as friends, spoken! He said it first, “I love you as a friend Lisa, but I’m not in love with you.” I said, “I’m not in love with you either.” and meant it.But the fact that he said, “In love with you” in the negative means being in love with me is a focus in his mind. He said the words.
We are both very hot for each other…spoken! We both want to have sex…spoken! But now he says he won’t go there with me because he “never does relationships”. Yes, he has. He told me he’s had two serious relationships with a woman. He told me he was married. He’s friend-zoned me but I may have done it first frankly after he cavalierly said, “We can get a room.” No we won’t.
The friend zone may as well be the “Twilight Zone” as far as I’m concerned unless I consider him my gay friend even though he presents very straight. Well, I believe him based on what he’s told me. I don’t know what’s going on. The short of it is, we have so much in common and are so attracted to each other that we’re not ready to go there yet. I’m cool.
I’m leaving it to lie and getting what I need from other men. I’m not staying on his hook but it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I do. But I won’t be controlled or used sexually. No way no how. That’s an empowerment issue for me. Women need sex! Middle-aged women need sex! Are you going to supply it or not fella? Not defecation sex. Friend-sex.
I don’t know if men in the U.S. think this way. I hope not. I do believe we’re coming to a more equitable sense of responsibility as consenting adults. The exception would be the religious men; Christians, who continue to want to be married and “take care of” a woman. This all needs to drop away. My last date was a Christian and he had no conception whatsoever of my humanity and conceiving of me as an independent woman taking care of myself. It was lost on him. That said, he was a very nice guy. Most of the men on Zoosk are Christian which is extremely troubling. That’s not going to work for me at all.
We’ll see. No sex the first date, that’s for sure. The way I’m feeling about my out of state friend who I talked to today, he’s the only one I want right now. Uh oh.