Essay; There is Pressure on Women to Hold Ourselves in Higher Esteem


“Women, love and honor yourself even if by the societal view you are a freak, brilliant, ugly or super beautiful, fit or not fit. If you’re not average, other women will be jealous and you’ll need to live with that.”

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The reason being, in truth, every woman is a goddess. Some women feel and know this and many more don’t and are very dependent as opposed to being interdependent. That’s where the jealousy and the trouble come in for men. Men long for us to know how beautiful we are and some get very co-dependent with low self-esteem women trying to convince them that they need to love themselves. Women are love on the planet but if a woman doesn’t claim that it becomes hell on earth. Men are mere mortals wishing to be superheroes! Men that think they’re gods already are gay or bi-sexual and have incorporated the female principle into themselves to try to bring balance. And how do they act? Like a woman! Fine, but they are still males and can’t make a human being in their body. There’s that. A male truly becomes a god when he joins with a female and they have a child together. That is a powerful creation and males and females get credit for that. If it’s only one child, that may be more responsible in my view. Society should never denigrate procreation. It’s our main biological mandate on the planet and would completely throw us off as a species if we no longer valued children.
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“Men feel and view our bodies as heaven, paradise, light, love, sex, food, everything they want and need and they want and need to lose themselves in us.”

That is pressure on women. I am hearing that in every single modern day pop song sung by men. Women who watch it say, “ALL they want is SEX.”. To men, that’s the pinnacle on earth. That’s all there is or needs to be. That’s as happy as they can get. Like Bruno Mars sings, “Your sex takes me to paradise”. They mean it. Just because women are not that way doesn’t mean EVERYONE should be that way. To the extent to which society, Church, State, and women deny them the greatest heaven they can have is the degree to which they are frustrated, pissed, feeling upset and victimized and die early of heart disease. This issue has got to be seen and accepted by society about men and balanced with women taking care of themselves and making money.

They can’t be any different nor should they. Sex is love to them. What’s wrong with that? Nature IS love. The Earth IS love. The natural world IS love. I’m holistic so resisting that is what drives us nuts. It’s the reason our healthcare system, our planet, and our society are falling apart is the DENIAL OF THE BODY which MEN LOVE more than anything. So what is patriarchy but men trying NOT TO BE DENIED THEIR MANHOOD by every single institution in existence? I’m just guessing. Don’t send me hate mail, please. What are we saying to them and about ourselves when we tell them to stop wanting sex so much? You may as well ask them to stop breathing or the sun to stop shining. Well, that IS what we’re doing to the planet right now.

Like Rajesh said to Penny on “Big Bang Theory”, “You can’t ruin a friendship with sex. That’s like ruining a chocolate cupcake with sprinkles!” My god, I love that line. It epitomizes the difference between how men and women think. I think if men had their way, they’d have sex with anyone, anytime just to show their love. It’s analogous to women showing their love by hugging and talking! We do that all the time and think it’s fine. But you say, “You can’t get pregnant hugging someone.” There is the crux of the issue and the problem for men. So use birth control and have as much sex as you want. The other crux; women’s feelings.

This is unfathomable for people to believe, but it is only recently in human history that people realized that it takes the male sperm to cause conception and make a human being. Up until that time, early humans thought it was magic, we had matriarchy where men were just having sex with anyone they wanted with any woman and going from place to place spreading their sperm around. No one knew who the fathers were, the children didn’t know their fathers and there was no marriage. That was matriarchy and women dominated and raised the children in groups of women and children. The men were off separate with one another.

I’m not saying I personally like the polyamorous nature of most men. I’m a female with high self-esteem so I believe I have plenty, just me alone, for a man who truly adores me. I just don’t expect it from most men. A man who prefers bitches and whores with no emotional bonding or love is one himself! When a man I’m with lets me know those are his values then I think, “Ok, then you aren’t going to get me. You’re only going to get a weak woman with no self-esteem and don’t whine about it. You get what you are!” Men with high self-esteem are attracted to women with high self-esteem and he’s done being polyamorous. That’s another level of nature. Men at the lower level, don’t even try to tell me that monogamous men who adore women who are fully in tune with their bodies and feelings don’t exist. They do! I can provide a man with great, varied sex, great conversation, loyal love and more. Can you take being loved?

Patriarchy changed all of that and territory, The state, The Church, and the institution of the family were born. Now we call it civilization. Have we decided if this is good or bad yet? We know now that when a man and woman live together and fight, which they always do, it is very psychologically damaging to the child. So how great is it really for the father to live with the mother and the child or children in just the family unit? Statistics show men tend to be violent toward the women and children too (domestic violence). So, I don’t know if patriarchy is working. Add to that the men’s testosterone loves war, blowing stuff up, rape, and what have you and I’m not sure women’s paradise has civilized them nor should it. Besides, we deny it to them most of the time and just think they should work and make money. That’s not fair to men.

We need a new way where the nature of men and the nature of woman is balanced. We just don’t know what that is yet while keeping the planet in one piece.

Essay; The Attraction Has Set In


 

zooskTwo days after our date, on Sunday, the attraction and longing set in for both of us, at the same time. This is very common I know. I’ve been physically and emotionally attracted to a few men, not a bunch. It’s still this amazing mind trance. I worked really hard to observe myself this time and noticed that it’s no different than when I was sixteen and super attracted to my first boyfriend. What has changed over the years is “my type”.

I’ve also noted that who I rationally think I’m attracted to based on upbringing or social bias that I’m not completely conscious of is not who I end up being smitten by. This fella is white again. I have a definite bias against my own culture as you may see from my posts on here. In my value system, I adore the black culture, values, and its communities and arts and also find Hispanic men to be super foxy and value the same thing there. My last lover was a black man and I enjoyed his company very much. He went into the Marines.

But now, here I am, very turned on by a fiery, strong, smart, nice white man. I honestly would not have guessed. It feels like my body is doing it and as you know, I follow my body. So that caught me off guard. What we have happening now is “out of sight, out of mind” on his part, it seems. I could be wrong.

We both wanted to see each other last night; second date. I could not sleep and texted him, “I can’t sleep.” and he asked why. I did not say because I want you. I said, “I’m not sure.” We got into a chat and then he said, “Come to my house up here,” so he said it first! I said, “I want to.” But we both had to work the next day and it was too late at night and he was away up north some miles. Still, mutual desire and longing were confirmed. When I said, “No, I can wait. I have to work tomorrow and it’s late,” it went silent and I have not heard from him no matter what I say in a text. I call that the male drama. He’s suffering? Or…he’s back on Zoosk looking for temporary solace with someone else? He “has” to see me. Ok-what is THAT? Guys get like that. Women don’t. I don’t! I’m not emotionally needy of a man. I just feel his PULL SO strong and want to give him what he needs which is my body and physical presence because it makes me feel better too.

It reminds me of my son when he was little and he’d have to be ON MY BODY while I was talking on the phone. As a  mother, it made me feel better to let him. It feels like it’s pulling from my soul like we already know each other. I can put a stop to it though now that I’m older. The men pulling on us is really something! We usually give in because we know you need our energy. It’s when you start to get demanding or take it for granted that makes me irate. I haven’t felt that toward a man in a long while and I won’t again.

I’ve got this figured out about guys. They need the physical merge to seal the deal, to prove the haps, to make their feelings known, to circle their wagons, to make sure you know they dig you and so you can prove you dig them by giving them your sexual energy, as a woman. I absolutely know this. It is NOT the case for us as women. Nothing physical seals anything for us except maybe a ring, as Beyonce says. I hate this video. hahaha. Rings are fine for women who are reproducing.

Our radar or guydar, our inner voice, our male GPS says, “Go THIS way,” very strong and then we go. LOL. Our feelings seal the deal for us. And then our feelings turn into heart knowing and that turns into rational assessment so we are analyzing the whole deal from the beginning with men because we VERY strongly know which of you males we want to share our sexual energy with and who we do not. You need to respect this aspect of women. Most of us if not all of us are this way and usually we can’t explain it.

The mysterious thing for us is how certain men can steer us to them and “want us” and certain men are SO easy to ignore even though they pull on us. It must be their eyes and pheromones. With that, sure enough, he resembles my son’s father who I successfully reproduced with. He was Scottish-English and he died in 2015. But there might be something in my DNA, thus my brain that told me, “Go to him.” And now I totally want to go to him and likely I will. He’s not like my ex at all in terms of personality but there is something overwhelmingly familiar about him and super attractive. We’ll see.

Maybe what we receive from males is the opportunity to give our love, which we have so much of, to someone that truly needs it and wants it. Women really do have a lot to give and most of us need to love someone or something but that needs to include ourselves. It seems like they are the object of our attention (not women) and we’re the subject of everything.

Essay; I had a Zoosk Date


 

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I guess I’ll just see how many people read this to see if I should continue. I could even add my psychic impressions although that’s pretty personal for the other person.

It’s Saturday night and I’ve already gotten 49 views and messages combined on Zoosk that I don’t want because I already met someone I like. I’m proving that there are dating and libido after 50. I’m 55. That’s sunk in now. I’ve finally got it figured out that most of the men are waiting for the woman to show a real interest in them. She needs to perk up and show some sincere “something” or they won’t really chat you up. However, my fella did! Yes, I found someone I like after looking through hundreds of pics and reading profiles. It’s exhausting. No, no, no, no, no, as you click through. Cute, but no. Nice, but no. Hmmm, sexy, but no. Confident!, but no.

Luckily, I didn’t have to figure that out or act on it today because YESTERDAY, a really hot guy with fire in his eyes chatted me up and initiated. OMG. So, there again, I really noted it in my brain how his face made me feel. I was very attracted to his strength with a big heart that I could see in his eyes, and…a bit of grief. None of the other men had that in their eyes the way he did. They had other things in their eyes but nothing I was very interested in. Women understand. Even if a man is very fit, handsome, blah, blah, blah, he has to have that something that a woman can’t put their finger on that makes us sit up and say, “Who is he? Oh my.” And then, I couldn’t stop staring at his face. THEN, he was very emotionally brave, again that’s so hot, and said he wanted to get together and meet me tonight, had time, where did I want to go, and complimented the bejeebers out of me. Again, so hot. For all I know he’s acting. I hear guys do that. Well, he had it down.

I’m a little like a guy in that I don’t like talking or talking about myself, I’m not a typical girl that just speaks right up about what she wants and gets assertive. I’m not bitchy either. When I’m with a man I want him to lead because in every other aspect of my life I’m in charge, the opposite of fertile women who are paying the piper. I’m paid up.

I’m very soft. I am assertive in my own life on behalf of things that affect me. But chasing a guy? No way no how. I have no clue what to say to a guy. I’m realizing that could have hung me up all these years. I never wanted to chase a guy because I’ve never wanted to be married. Not at all. Is my Twin Flame in the back of my mind at this point? Yes. He’s always there and not talking to me. My intuition tells me he’s seeing someone else too. It’s like I don’t exist. So…I’m dating also. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose.

Well, he took care of that and initiated. Thank God! He was confident too and had his own business just like me. We met at a hip joint for a drink, it was very cool, close to my house and was a blast. When he saw me in the window from outside he sort of jumped and came right in and we had a big hug. We are about the same height but he is very trim and fit and younger than me. Still, I think all that was good. I felt like I knew him already. That’s a good sign. We talked and laughed, asked each other questions for two hours and then he had to go. He was headed up north to work on the house he’s building on 40 acres. We had another big hug goodnight and then I texted and thanked him for buying me a drink and he said he really enjoyed himself. We laughed really hard together. It was a riot. I think I may hear from him but who knows. Of course, being a brainwashed girl by our society the first thing I think is, “Maybe I’m too fat for him.” Every girl thinks that when she meets a guy. It’s nauseating. I actually really like my body now for the first time in a long time so I sort of doubt that.

The girl at the hostess stand came up to me after my date left and says, “Sooooo, how’d it go?” Girls do that with each other even if we’re strangers. lol. I said, “You saw how cute he was and how much we were laughing!” “Good job.” Oh my god. I actually had a date. I have no idea about the future nor am I worried. Que Cera, Cera. There are many fish in the sea and I’m fishing, even if I throw them back in. Yeah for me.

Essay; I’m on Zoosk, God help me.


 

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I had to do something other than a bar scene to get back out there. Its real purpose is just to be social. I’m not looking for a mate because I’m in touch with my Twin Flame. But he is on the west coast. Besides, a little competition on that front can’t hurt.

My intuition tells me that nothing will come of it but I knew that. It’s more of a social experiment to see how the dating game has changed since I was in my thirties. Now it’s about sexting. Some of the men don’t actually want to meet you. They’re probably married so it would be a secret way to cheat on their wife or spice up their sex life, men needing novelty of course. Also, if they met you in person it would make you too human and when it comes to women, most men can’t have that. It’s too intimidating for a woman to be a real human. Then they’d have to talk to you and treat you with respect instead of acting like a dog in the alley ready to take any b…. ready to go. There’s that.

This whole issue is making me like my Twin Flame all that much more. Not only was he willing to meet me in person, but he also offered to fly to Grand Rapids first and I decided it would be better if I went there first. Then I did. He was the real deal and still is, even though it got very Twilight Zone once I was out there. That still had to be the weirdest experience of my life. Still, he was a badass and treated me like a queen even though we had our normal spats. He’s a real man, super intelligent and on my beam. I miss him all that much more. I’ve apologized for how insecure I got (he did too), he’s accepted and I’ve invited him to come here in May or around that time. We are absolutely peaceful and warm now; no tension. Here’s to hoping he comes! Maybe we won’t freak out this time.

So, because of that testosterone effect, I’ve concluded that guys that are not good looking shoot for very good-looking women and guys that ARE good looking shoot for very hot women. It’s still all about looks online and the men look at women as enhancements to their ego and status.

My intuition tells me to keep taking care of myself and focus into my heart and mind on my twin flame. There is just no comparison at all. When you’ve met the best, nobody else will do. This is very apparent now. Maybe that’s why I did the month trial.

Essay; Woman’s Intuition


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I don’t know if living with a woman ages a man or not but living with a male has been shown to age a woman.  It depends right?  My empirical observation is that women are just more experienced with intuition and more accepting of it than men are.  It’s more of a fact of nature to me than anything.  Maybe we’ve evolved the trait over time. Nevertheless, my radar was on last night.

I had a date last night for the first time in a year with a man.  The synchronicity about it was, the same day, I had been contacted by the fellow I had last dated ten months ago and had been fairly traumatized by actually. That’s a long story and I don’t think that there is ever one person responsible for the trouble in a relationship, but I have more scruples than he does; for sure. His call was trying to create a pretext for seeing me again by pretending he cared about my book when I didn’t even ask him for help (he’s an editor). The short of it is, I called him out on the emotional mess he left of “he and I” and told him “bon voyage” even though he doesn’t really have the guts to move out west by himself as he said he would back in October, which he used as an earlier excuse not to see me anymore. Or maybe, since today is his birthday, he thought I would be schmuck enough to make him a birthday pie as I did last year.  Not a chance in hell buddy.

I’m not sure if my scruples are a problem or not when I have a lover. I feel like it makes me “unbedable” in a way because I value love. I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination.  I just like love and bonding, not hookups and this last fellow was the one responsible for taking it too fast. He was like a wild monkey. That would be hot if he also cared about me but because he didn’t, he pissed me off. I’m an intelligent human being with a heart and mind not a chimp in the jungle. Sex alone does nothing for me.  I digress. He’s done for.

Back to my current date…Maybe I’m somewhat old-fashioned, but telling the truth would be good for starters. His profile said that he was 50 years old. Since we were in a Chinese restaurant looking at the placemat with Chinese animals per year of birth, I asked him what year he was born. The answer, “1961”.  The dude was 56. I need to date a younger man, like 45-54 because of my attitude and look.  Two doctors in the last two months said they thought I was forty so I’m not in denial like some women, and I take care of myself and don’t smoke or drink too much. Both of those ages a person.

He kept projecting all of these character defects onto me on our first date.  It was truly repulsive. Harvey Weinstein’s face kept flashing in front of me.  I told him the Kung Pao Shrimp was very salty to my taste but the flavor was good. When I didn’t tell the waiter that but said it was fine because I don’t care if the waiter knows or not, he chided me, “You need to tell the truth!” Really dude?  Who was your last woman?  A criminal?

I don’t eat much salt and Chinese restaurants are notorious for salt so it’s not like the restaurant did anything out of character. I’m not going to bother with it. But the first thing out of his mouth was remembering how proud I was of my work when he offloaded regarding his body to me in a previous phone call. Boy did that piss him off. Apparently, it pissed me off that he decided to go get a spa massage after I spent a half-hour listening to and talking to him about his back and how my manual therapy work could help him. He wasted my time. The conversation ended with him saying, “I’ll just go see a massage therapist.” I’d forgotten about it until last night, so apparently, the purpose of the date was for him to throw his resentment and offload to my face.  Then he very proudly asked the waiter to split the bill. It was abusive.

So here we are in 2017, where a kindly, very intelligent very skilled, cute single woman is being herself, namely me, and a guy who has been divorced by the mother of his three children who has obviously failed miserably in some arena is going to offload on his date instead of fixing his mess. I posted this before, but there is something emotionally wrong with guys. I think he’s going to die old and alone because of his ego. He can think he’s a catch, and he said as much, but by his behavior, is anything BUT a catch. Talk is cheap guys. Deeds over words. We hardly spent any time together and he was a major jerk.

Mind you, his online profile was sparkling. My intuition told me to stand him up just from the tone of his texts. I didn’t think he would show up. So, I let him show up first, he texted me he wanted me to come, so I went. I should have listened to my intuition.  He was a class A jerk, but cute.  I don’t care about cute when the heart is cold. A cold heart is a misogynist and I suggest you get your heart healed and fix your behavior before you date a woman who is not a hookup. Oh, and he would have rather we met in a bar but didn’t say that beforehand.  Spare me.