Prose; Dissolving


Written 9/7/17 I remember writing this. It was a tough one. I was so tired of feeling used.

Dissolve people from my space that do not take care of themselves. I’m not your healer. I’m healing myself from victims and off-loaders. You heal yourself, I don’t heal you. That’s not my head trip, that’s yours.

Dissolve people from my space that think I should be on a saint pedestal just because I have integrity and do good in the world. I’m just a human being that refuses to tolerate certain energy just like everyone else. I’m SO happy to disappoint them when they compete with me when there is nothing to compete with. Everyone is different. Don’t compete with me. Read my book, then compete with the death and suffering that I never hold onto and know how to release. Dare you! No pity. That’s ego too. Compassion is all that’s called for; for me and yourself.

Dissolve people from my space that expect me to lead them into the light and refuse to do it for themselves. I’m not God nor do I want to be. Walk into your own light after I show you how!

Dissolve people from my space that say they care and then try to put me under their boot when they don’t know what they’re talking about.

Dissolve relationship with family members that don’t know how to let go of negative emotion and want me to be as dependent as they are. No. I don’t need to be.

Dissolve ties to people who walk late into a meeting they set up with me and immediately say, even before we begin, that they want nothing to do with me ever again after this meeting. REALLY!? Grow up. There is not going to be a meeting because you want to dominate, not discourse. I don’t work with people who want to dominate. I work with people who respect me enough to be my equal.

You want your power back?… I just handed it back to you because you erroneously gave it OVER to me when I never fucking asked for it!

Dissolve those who are always up to something, say they support you, then they vampire energy from you because they don’t take care of themselves.

Done. Dissolved. Happy to be just human. Happy to never, ever, ever want anyone to put me on a fucking pedestal just so they can try to knock me off to prove something to themselves.

You’re jealous of my strength and achievement? Then be jealous of the death, loss, vampiric sucking, hate, and jealous family to whom I courageously flip the bird to in order to get to this point. I know I deserve to be happy and abundant and not be surrounded by people that want to either worship me or destroy me for their selfish ego purposes.

Go away.

I’m just a human being with friends doing the work I love.

Prose; Skin

pick a tomato

The shell of a turtle, a carapace, guards your continuance of electric water, straight to your brain, pulls your vibration down in by degrees.

Your skin like a husk full of ridges on corn smells sweet,

hard to pull off at the bottom, tassles so soft on my face, the smell of earth.

Your arm was warm and pleasant as the first tomato of summer in my hungry hand.

Let me bite into that luscious fruit, so sweet and tangy

 or a mango stream of juice down my chin.

I’m distracted, clement smells from your back

Why are so sweet yet so smart and severe?

No end to touch makes my breathing peaceful.

I feel happy…oh god I’m doomed.

Indeed, it only lasted one day and you ripped your skin from me again.

At least you can’t take the memory from me.

Words can never erase actions like skin can never cover feelings.


Prose; The Garden Lies Fallow

The night was lovely,

As soon as he walked in the door we wanted to inhale each other…raw attraction for months now.  Sometimes you wait to see if it goes away.   It’s not going away.

But we didn’t go there because we’re “developing” our bond so that we’re both emotionally happy with ourselves and feeling centered…

So, I contained the tide of passion for the next forty-five minutes.

We sat on the couch, looked each other in the eye, so hot, talked about our kids, so warm and loving, opened Christmas gifts to each other on January 18 and drank peppermint tea.

We were each charmed with our mutual bestowals.

This was loving and literate foreplay between two artists.  Not to lead to sex exactly, but very possibly and very mutually.

This was heart foreplay, not to be taken lightly.  I kept talking and he stopped me mid-sentence and started the delicious kissing before he had to leave.

Why is he starting the kissing before he has to leave?  Why?

Then he half picked me up and threw me on the couch!!!!

I felt like a startled cat and giggled like a fresh teenager.

Mind you, we’ve already been intimate, but I’m an artist.  I’m a lover, an authentic, intelligent woman, warm, sensitive, deep.  No regular man is going to do for me.  This has to be an…


super intelligent…

foxy face…

a strong body…

sweet, wonderful kisses.

I love his hair and his lips.

So….back to the story.

Wow…we had these little whisper chats with each other…

Ahhhhh, it was all good, as he lay next to me but…

He has a sort of broken heart, the kind of disconsolate, forlorn vibe that starts to sink like a rock and close the heart shutter that started to burst open.

I am… so aware of what that is.

It warns a man…don’t…go there…she will eat you alive…

I swear, I wonder if that’s what he thinks.

It could be other emotions but we women, or maybe just me, sometimes think that men are heartless.

This one isn’t.  He’s a writer too.

He has to mend his broken heart and I totally, absolutely, understand

that demolished rupture, the broken mirror, the belief in self that

just says…I don’t love myself enough to love you.

I feel like a failure.  I’m not good enough for you.

It’s the trouble with the world.

How epidemic is the guilt, the sorrow, the cynicism, the pain______

And the woman’s garden lies fallow.

You can march and resist all you want about this man who is supposed to be our leader who grabs and insults women.  Most men are like him…not connected to their heart and addicted to something.  It’s the men’s fate.  Most women act from their hearts.  It’s in our bodies.

I think each woman just needs to be loved by a man (or woman) with an open heart who we can love in return and I really doubt it exists.

Religion teaches men to hate women unless they marry them and then control them. Then they feel even more free to hate them.

It’s never going to work.  Men are based in ego and women are based in love.





Re-Program; Prejudice Toward Fat People

I have been a deep tissue manual therapist for 11 years. I have worked on thousands of bodies, all body types, male and female. I had one young female patient ask me once, “Do you ever hate someone’s body?” Wow. “No”. That would be a bit incongruous with being a healer, don’t you think? Yet, Dr. David Katz, M.D., a fairly well-read and popular doctor, wrote this great article for Huffington Post on obesity bias in healthcare. Please read it before you go on.
He doesn’t support obesity bias either and is calling for an end to it. I don’t think he delves quite far enough, though. He cites the surveys that have been done in the healthcare profession that show that a good percentage of professionals feel revulsion, disgust, prejudice, bias, and emotional disgust when dealing with fat patients.

They have an emotional response toward large amounts of adipose tissue.
Even people who are fairly large themselves will express revulsion at those with even more adipose tissue than them, feeling that they are superior because “at least they’re not THAT fat!” Everyone says, “But come ON! It’s SO unhealthy!” Practitioners in holistic health think that a thin vegetarian might live forever whereas a carnivorous fat person will probably die at 55.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re happy or not? Frankly, I see clinical studies going both ways. I dated a fellow who was built large, but he was fit. He had lost a lot of weight too quickly and suffered for it. The doctor couldn’t re-align his internal organs for him, so he was in pain.

I’m on the scientific fence on this issue. I think it’s healthier to be happy than to be a people-pleaser for superficial reasons. Yo-Yo dieting and intolerance of yourself and others is more unhealthy. Casting yourself into an elite, “beautiful people group” and exercising 2 hours a day, 5 days a week and dissing others is supremely unhealthy in a myriad of ways…and not cool. Some big people work out 5 days a week and are still big! Now they have muscle on top of fat. The fat doesn’t always burn away.

Diabetes is unhealthy. So is having cancer. So is having 3rd degree burns all over your body. But you don’t hear people emotionally exclaim, with disgust, “Your third degree burns repulse me. Get away from me.” “Your cancer repulses me. That’s it. You’re going to be punished! We are going to pay you less. What’s the problem? We are going to call you names. We don’t want you to work here. We are going to laugh at you. We are going to kick you off the airplane because you have something “different” going on in your body than I do.” Yes, people have a fear of being around the vibes of illness, especially cancer. But they don’t have a judgmental bias toward sick people. For the most part, they have compassion and are supportive.

Yet you continue to hear the social cover-up that belies hypocrisy to obesity, “But it is so unhealthy!” You know there is something deeper going on than a health issue. What’s going on is BODY TYPE INTOLERANCE or frequency of vibration intolerance. The person judging needs others to look like them. That’s messed up. And it’s very weak. It’s even vampirism.
It’s social intolerance!~ It’s Projection 101 from the person that has a bad self-body image. If you stigmatize or have emotional (intolerance) about obesity, frankly, you have a body image problem of your own and you really need to admit it to yourself and leave everyone else alone. Talk to someone who you can trust. Get some help. You likely have an eating disorder no matter what your body size. It’s not just very thin people who have eating disorders. You don’t like yourself no matter what size you are than it’s not about size. What addiction are you indulging in to cope with your self-loathing? It’s an epidemic. And it’s socially sanctioned.

It manifests socially as Xenophobia-not liking people who look different from you because you are so insecure. That’s as old as the hills. It’s what starts wars. It’s the cause of divorce. It’s the way criminals and predators are. They feel like victims, so they victimize others. It’s also a symptom of the scarcity model that underpins Capitalism. Capitalism thrives on the economic caste system. God Bless America.

Personally, I have been all body sizes. When I was a teenager (18-19) I was a size 9 and weighed 135. I was not happy for other reasons. When I was in my 20’s I was a size 12. I was not happy for other reasons. After I had my baby at 36, I was at 170 and was a size 14-16. I was happy because I had my baby. And I loved having a cushy, mama marshmallow body. Then, in my very bad, stressful marriage where I was attacked verbally and emotionally and had to defend myself all the time, I got up to size 24. I’ve been divorced for nine years and now I’m back down to a size 16 and going down and settling down, and dealing with the kind, sensitive person I am. I want to bounce around for the next fifty years and to save my joints, I’m working out every day and eating healthy. But I feel good no matter what and I get A’s on my yearly physical.

My point is, at all times, I kept moving forward, had sex, was told I was gorgeous, had men pawing on me, and succeeded at whatever I wanted to. It was not due to the size I was. It was due to the fact that I am the Queen of my body and my mind and I think I’m hot stuff. My jealous sister says, “Stop being a diva.”Ummm, no. I have achieved things and I feel confident. I’m not a diva, in fact, many people don’t think I take enough credit. I don’t like attention because attention from humans will eventually mean crucifixion when they get sick of you. They build people up so they can tear them down eventually.

I see how everyone has a “hot side”. I love all people. I support every woman and man to feel the same way about themselves. I felt comfy sitting in my marshmallow padding getting very intellectual in college and graduating magna cum laude. That’s what I wanted! I didn’t WANT to be small and bouncy. My plush body served my purposes then. And it serves my purposes now at size 18. When you look at cushy people, know that it’s serving their life purposes right now or they’d be different.

People have the right to have the size body they need at the time, when they need it, for their own personal reasons. When they want to change it THEY WILL, for their own reasons! Or, if they don’t want to, THEY WON’T, for their own reasons. You do not have the right to project your self-loathing and judgment, and teasing onto them, then justify it by saying, “But it’s SO unhealthy!” Your mindset of sticking your nose into judging other people’s body is unhealthy. Take care of your own. They won’t be changing themselves TO PLEASE YOU, WHO ARE UNCOMFORTABLE with yourself no matter what size you are!

This culture needs to stop scapegoating fat people, start loving themselves and taking care of themselves at ALL stages in their body. The health and happiness of your body are in your hands. It’s not in your spouse’s hands, your doctor’s hands, your kids hands, your parent’s hands, or the pastor’s hands. What you feel in your body is what matters most. It’s your body!

Everyone is different. Everyone has a story. Everyone has different needs. Be cool.

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