Essay; It’s Better to Have Loved


Susan Bauser, Artist

You know the saying,

“It’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.”-Alfred Lord Tennyson

I have a new sense about it. If I love, anyone, for any length of time for any reason, my heart may break open but that is never a loss. I don’t feel that I’ve lost anything by loving but have gained. My soul is awakened by connection, care, and bonding.

What I lose is what I did not need; belief that I control that which I cannot; others and their feelings in addition to my feelings.  I lose the belief that I can control their movement, coming and going.  I lose ego, loneliness, radical independence, no connection, cynicism, even resentment for humans just because we can be weak!

All there is, in the end, is love. People say that all the time but I really feel I come from love and will eventually return to love. And love is what binds me together with all life forms.

So maybe my perception is that I’ve lost a lot in my life.  That has indeed been my perception. But if I’ve loved and learned in the midst of that I haven’t lost anything at all; I’ve gained the gift of my soul being broken open.

As a writer and an artist, that’s all I’ve ever wanted.  Now I have the rest of my life to tell stories and express how tragically beautiful that brokenness can be and how it’s the only path to wholeness.

No one gets to skate past being broken.  It’s pretty much what happens to everyone on this planet. We’re equal in that.

Prose; Oblivion


woman-with-orbs

Digital Artist Sandra Bauser

Time fades into oblivion

One memory, one vision of you and I feel whole again.

I remember your voice, your smell, the feel of you next to me.

In time, it was so long ago, yet to my mind, it was yesterday.

My love for you is as natural as my heartbeat.

Prose; Skin


pick a tomato

The shell of a turtle, a carapace, guards your continuance of electric water, straight to your brain, pulls your vibration down in by degrees.

Your skin like a husk full of ridges on corn smells sweet,

hard to pull off at the bottom, tassles so soft on my face, the smell of earth.

Your arm was warm and pleasant as the first tomato of summer in my hungry hand.

Let me bite into that luscious fruit, so sweet and tangy

 or a mango stream of juice down my chin.

I’m distracted, clement smells from your back

Why are so sweet yet so smart and severe?

No end to touch makes my breathing peaceful.

I feel happy…oh god I’m doomed.

Indeed, it only lasted one day and you ripped your skin from me again.

At least you can’t take the memory from me.

Words can never erase actions like skin can never cover feelings.

 

Prose; The Garden Lies Fallow


The night was lovely,

As soon as he walked in the door we wanted to inhale each other…raw attraction for months now.  Sometimes you wait to see if it goes away.   It’s not going away.

But we didn’t go there because we’re “developing” our bond so that we’re both emotionally happy with ourselves and feeling centered…

So, I contained the tide of passion for the next forty-five minutes.

We sat on the couch, looked each other in the eye, so hot, talked about our kids, so warm and loving, opened Christmas gifts to each other on January 18 and drank peppermint tea.

We were each charmed with our mutual bestowals.

This was loving and literate foreplay between two artists.  Not to lead to sex exactly, but very possibly and very mutually.

This was heart foreplay, not to be taken lightly.  I kept talking and he stopped me mid-sentence and started the delicious kissing before he had to leave.

Why is he starting the kissing before he has to leave?  Why?

Then he half picked me up and threw me on the couch!!!!

I felt like a startled cat and giggled like a fresh teenager.

Mind you, we’ve already been intimate, but I’m an artist.  I’m a lover, an authentic, intelligent woman, warm, sensitive, deep.  No regular man is going to do for me.  This has to be an…

eccentric…

super intelligent…

foxy face…

a strong body…

sweet, wonderful kisses.

I love his hair and his lips.

So….back to the story.

Wow…we had these little whisper chats with each other…

Ahhhhh, it was all good, as he lay next to me but…

He has a sort of broken heart, the kind of disconsolate, forlorn vibe that starts to sink like a rock and close the heart shutter that started to burst open.

I am… so aware of what that is.

It warns a man…don’t…go there…she will eat you alive…

I swear, I wonder if that’s what he thinks.

It could be other emotions but we women, or maybe just me, sometimes think that men are heartless.

This one isn’t.  He’s a writer too.

He has to mend his broken heart and I totally, absolutely, understand

that demolished rupture, the broken mirror, the belief in self that

just says…I don’t love myself enough to love you.

I feel like a failure.  I’m not good enough for you.

It’s the trouble with the world.

How epidemic is the guilt, the sorrow, the cynicism, the pain______

And the woman’s garden lies fallow.

You can march and resist all you want about this man who is supposed to be our leader who grabs and insults women.  Most men are like him…not connected to their heart and addicted to something.  It’s the men’s fate.  Most women act from their hearts.  It’s in our bodies.

I think each woman just needs to be loved by a man (or woman) with an open heart who we can love in return and I really doubt it exists.

Religion teaches men to hate women unless they marry them and then control them. Then they feel even more free to hate them.

It’s never going to work.  Men are based in ego and women are based in love.

stock-footage-alone-man-standing-on-the-seashore

 

 

 

Essay; Marriage is Prison for Some Women


 

woman in prisonOne of the main comments I’ve heard from women patients in my office is, “I want to be alone, not married. I wish I was free and single like you.” Many women feel like prisoners in their marriage and their physical ailments and stress level are consequently very high.

I bet many married men say it to single guy friends too, but I wonder. I’ve heard men benefit far more from marriage than women do and suffer more in divorce.  Most women thrive after divorce.

What are we looking at here?

Marriage is an institution where you’re seeking the sanction of church or state with a license and/or a ceremony but what are your true motivations for doing it?  Maybe the institutions function like an agricultural stockade where animals are inspected, traded and sold. You’ve heard of animal husbandry. Well, when a woman gets married her mate is called her husband which makes her a reproductive animal in society’s view. So maybe marriage is primarily suited for only young women in their reproductive years who want to have children. And many young women who get married don’t necessarily want children. Then maybe they shouldn’t get married.

I think it’s time to retire these outmoded ideas regarding a woman’s relationship with her mate. Marriage isn’t always necessary. Balance of power between a woman and man needs to be discussed and kissed about.  We can be monogamous with each other because we want to be, not because somebody said we should. It’s nobody’s business but the couple and is becoming outdated due to woman’s empowerment. It’s a good thing.

Essay; The Feminine Word Equivalent to the Masculine Word, “Emasculate”


It’s time for this conversation.  So the first emotional, resistant response from blogger “Anonymous”: on here was this;

Was hoping to find an answer to an interesting quirk of language, but instead found a rambling, borderline nonsensical Feminist rant about gender roles.

I’ll do you a favor; TL; Dr. Is there a female equivalent to the word ’emasculate’? Answer, No.”

 

He says he’s doing me a favor with this hateful reply.  What do you think? So, here we have one confirmation of a male who cannot fathom being equal with a good woman. At least he put some emotion into it, but he made quite a few spelling mistakes.

The word emasculates, as we all know, means to deprive a man of his male role or identity.  Strong, justice-oriented women who have self-esteem and know their power are ridiculed for doing this to men, no matter what the men have done to women.  They can do whatever they want to women and she’s supposed to take it and not ask for respect?  Sounds like a Christian, Republican, Trump voter. Most men, I don’t believe, are like this, but many are.

What would be the word for depriving a woman of her female role or identity?  Below, the word “defeminate” is suggested but I don’t believe it’s caught on.  It doesn’t really roll off the tongue, no sexual suggestion intended.  This word actually sounds similar to defemate.

Dr. Mary Stopes described here in Margaret Jackson’s The Real Facts of Life: Feminism and the Politics of Sexuality, c1850-1940:

enter image description here

What about “efeminate”?  This word is more of a direct correlation with the word “emasculate”.

Well, we can banter about “defeminate” or “efeminate” or take a poll. The real work will be to define what it means to deprive a woman of her female role?  My visceral response to this, which I feel is realistic, is that women don’t have “a role”.  Women have advanced so far, because of our choices and willingness to work for it, that it is common knowledge that we can be whatever we want to be and do whatever we want to do, or not do!  Every woman’s personality is different as well, so how she expresses her femininity is unique.

There is very little social pressure on women anymore to be married or to be mothers. That said, I see that the instinct is still there in our bodies which can cause a lot of conflict with our minds.  It is entirely socially acceptable for a woman to have her own property, money, job and no family.  Maybe she just has a job and friends and has casual sexual relations with men and women!  No one cares anymore.  It’s just important to honor yourself and be healthy and happy.

Feminism and women’s liberation has brought us to this point.  If a woman has her life organized and has money, she can hire a handy male or female to do whatever work she needs to be done around her house; yard work, snow blowing, construction, painting, you name it.  If she’s intelligent, why would she waste her time doing work that she can pay someone else to do who is good at it!  She has her own work to do in her quiet, clean house that does not have a man stomping around, causing a ruckus, watching sports, and being noisy and disrespectful.  She is no one’s territory. She belongs to herself and her spiritual life.

The way I see it is, men with their polyamorous proclivities, innately wired into their brains to sleep with as many women as they can and get an ego brush from making as many women scream as they can, have whored themselves for millennia now.  They don’t seem to be interested in Love or Bonding which has secured life for women and children for millennia as well.  Love and Bonding are our bedrock.  Many men can’t feel it nor do they operate that way.  Sure, the man may feign loyalty, get married, put a ring on the fourth finger and become a father, but most women believe that it is in his nature to fuck as many women or men as he can before he dies.  It’s not his mandate to love as many women as he can before he dies or love one woman as much as he can before he dies. There are enlightened men in the minority, but it’s not the norm.  This is despite his religious or spiritual beliefs.  Nature always trumps belief folks.  If ya gotta go, ya gotta go.  Sex is no different for men.

It is different for women.  The sexes are not equal yet.  Women understand heart and relationship, children and home, business and money, assertiveness and organization, and leadership, we are the dominant species on the planet.  Love trumps hate and usage. Love trumps whoring your body for shallow, nonbonded sex.  Love trumps patriarchal objectification of women.  Love and bonding trump superficial sex just for an orgasm. Friendship is the highest bond there is.  Spirituality with Love, during sex, trumps giving it away with no bonding.  When most men find out that a woman loves herself this much, and they can’t measure up, they’re out the door for the next porn flick or booty call because they’re not willing to be a good student and eventually love in reciprocation.

If a user male somehow manipulates that love from us, there will be righteous indignation completely justified. Our bodies and our souls embody Love.  This is a huge planetary reality that weaves throughout nature.  Women’s bodies are synced with the Earth, Moon, and stars.  We can be no other way.  If a man wants to learn the way of all flesh on Earth, he will listen to and follow the woman and attempt to raise himself up to be her equal.  Women have raised their minds up, why can’t men raise their bodies up?  In return, she will love him with loyalty and adoration.  That’s the best thing he’ll ever be able to achieve in this life.  I know it’s just an ideal.  It’s not really happening.

The day men help us instead of hinder us caused by making more mess and noise on the planet is the day there is more peace on earth.  But they don’t like peace.  They like to blow stuff up.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Essay; Middle Age Dating


Holy-Fool-Female1

I’m fifty-six.  My twenty-year-old son says, “Mom, you’re such a hippie”. Well, sort of. The birth years for hippies are 1945-1965 so I was born at the tail end; in 1963.

But if you sat in the middle west in a Christian church, surrounded by white people and Republicans, you didn’t get the hippie memos about loving each other. You only got the memos about marrying a nice girl or guy, only having sex if you’re married, only having sex to breed children, sex is generally sin because the body is sinful, anal sex is sinful, earn money, wives be submissive to your husband, and obey your parents. I’m sorry, but you’re not hippie material.

I never thought I was a big hippie but here I am, totally holistic, spiritual, having set aside my Christian upbringing, healthy, happy, into free jazz, educated, mouthy, empowered, and I want to have sex every day and enjoy it! All that happiness and freedom-yes, I guess I am a late-stage hippie. I know all about responsibility.  I have a mortgage and bills, a child, and work.  That’s all a joy to me because I’ve created a life I love and I’ve always been monogamous. I can barely juggle one man let alone several!

So, what is the emotional hang-up of men my age that want to get married? Why would you get married in middle age when you are no longer going to have children? For men; status. It’s a measure of success that you’ve been happily married and have well-adjusted kids. The point of marriage is for the woman to corral a good man to be the father of her children in her child-bearing years. Otherwise, there is no good reason to be married. Love is not a reason for marriage. Marriage is only a legal contract. If love was the reason for marriage the divorce rate would not be so high. Millions of people are in loving, monogamous (or not), relationships and love each other. Marriage functions for the security of the childbearing woman and their children in a patriarchal system and that’s it.

Men who want to get married a second time “to fix” the failures they think they made as a husband and father are barking up the wrong tree. First of all, it’s not all your fault. It takes two to tango. Second, you need to let the past go. You can’t fix it, you can only learn from it. Third, your time is better spent learning how to love. No doubt, part of the reason your marriage failed is that you did not love your mate or yourself.

Real love is attentiveness, kind tone of voice, affection, patience, communication, expressing how you feel, nurture, empowerment and freedom to be yourself.  Not because the Bible tells you to do it but because Life shows you that.  It’s IN you.  Mates are supposed to learn from one another and be good students to one another!  That’s one of the main reasons for the bond.

I don’t plan on getting married again. Middle age women usually don’t. If you want to get a good woman’s attention, take care of yourself, express your feelings, be willing to learn how to heart bond, and prepare yourself for a lot of happy sex because there is no chance of pregnancy for the woman. We are finally free!

 

Essay; Men Have Feelings During Sex


stock-footage-alone-man-standing-on-the-seashore

WHAT?  Seriously?

I read this article two days ago because I’m trying to figure something out.

Sex Reveals His True Feelings

My jaw was dropping open as I read it.  I’m not sure I believe it but it is from “The Huffington Post” and the fellow sounded sincere.  Then I discussed it with some women. They concur they do believe men have actual “feelings” about their woman’s body that can be poetic, dramatic, and deep. The women don’t understand it or necessarily believe it either, but they do believe men have feelings too. But during sex? Because of our bodies?

My mind is blown. No man I’ve ever been with has expressed himself in a poetic way to me about my body. I’m not saying they haven’t conjectured it or that I’m not hot enough to have been with hot guys. I have! But they have not expressed themselves to me about how they feel about these things. Why? I’ve gotten compliments about certain parts and of course the lusty chasing after me and wanting intimacy which a woman assumes means, the man is into her.

We call some of this lustiness from men objectification of women. It’s not really fair, is it?  If we’re straight, we love a man to love us. We need a man to take care of business. But why is feeling emotional and lusting after a woman’s body objectification when it’s nature? The men probably call it art…or love, or passion. If they do not feel passionate about a woman’s body, then what? Maybe they are gay or just not that into her, or have a different kind of brain that changes their libido…like high functioning autistic men.

It’s called objectification if the guy doesn’t care what you think or how you feel. I care more about how a man thinks and feels (and acts) than how he looks or his money. In fact, his mind is what absolutely turns me on, far more than his body. I don’t know how many women are like me. His tone of voice and the timbre of his voice is the other turn on. I do believe most women are like that regarding a man’s voice. I think our brains are helping us pick the right man to be the father of our children when we’re young. After fifty that all changes. But continuing on about men’s feelings.

The author writes, “When a man is having sex, there’s a rush of emotions. When he sees a beautiful woman underneath him or a beautiful woman on top of him, he gets lost in his sensations.”

WHAT?

I didn’t get the memo.  I really didn’t.

He goes on to say, “Most of the time, the minute he’s released he realizes what he’s said. Then he thinks, “Oh my god, what did I say? I can’t believe I said all those things. I don’t really feel those things. I can’t believe I told her how much I love her, and how much I want to be with her!”

WHAT?  Now, your fellow didn’t actually say this, but his “way” and his thoughts did, is what this author is saying. Well, how about that. I am certainly in a dark forest here guys. I wonder how many other women are?

The author finally says, “Our real feelings come out after the sex. I want you to remember that. I’d like you to pass along this blog to every single woman you know out there. Call it ‘dating insurance’. Make sure he has feelings for you after sex — before you commit your heart

WHAT?

I mean…where does it end?  Is this guy high or is this true to the men out there? The mystery of it all.

 

Essay; Sad and Sorry…Pivoted


courage4

I was just, in the flow of things, feeling sad and sorry today thinking about the fact that we are heading into the Memorial Day weekend and I am mate-less because he died March 13th.  That could make you feel sorry for me in and of itself, especially since he was my soul mate but that is leveling itself out now that we’re in May in Michigan.

Michael, my mate, who was going to be my fiance, is still with me. Ashes scattered in the garden, we are absolutely, telepathically connected. He’s with me all the time, still learning on the other side, we continue to teach each other, and he’s trying to earn his wings and climb the spiritual ladder. So, that’s all good, but that’s not the theme here.

I was feeling very down today until my patient came to get her medical massage and asked how I was.  Essentially I said, “Meh” (I didn’t precisely say that) and she asked me why.  I told her I miss Michael and we always had great fun at the holiday, shopping, cooking out, blah, blah, blah, all the traditional things. I’m not marching from grave to grave this year with flowers due to the many people around me that have died this year.

She counters and says, “I’m married and have a big family and I just want to be by myself. I don’t want to do any gatherings! You’re lucky!” She’s the third woman in the last week who has said she wants to be alone! When patients walk into my office to get a medical massage, they always tell me the truth about how they feel.

I wonder what is going on? Other women are telling me that men they know are dying suddenly and they’ve been to too many funerals. For real. Guys…you may want to put your best foot forward these days before the Light sucks you into its eternal vortex. Because lately, on this planet, we women like to be alone.  If you’re not here to help and to love…well…

I’m not wishing it!  I’m just observing what’s going on.

 

 

Body Truth; size bias has changed so much in six years


J.K.-Rowling-quote-You-control-your-own-life-2-1068x561

“Fat’ is usually the first insult a girl throws at another girl when she wants to hurt her. I mean, is ‘fat’ really the worst thing a human being can be? Is ‘fat’ worse than ‘vindictive’, ‘jealous’, ‘shallow’, ‘vain’, ‘boring’ or ‘cruel’? Not to me; but then, you might retort, what do I know about the pressure to be skinny? I’m not in the business of being judged on my looks, what with being a writer and earning my living by using my brain…”-J.K. Rowling

Thin privilege means you’ve proven that you have control over your appetites and just live a healthy good life.  If you force yourself, in any manner possible, to be thin, you have the privilege of hovering over others who are not thin and believing you’re better than them because you control your life, your mind, and your body size at all costs to gain an advantage in every way.  What society and media have done is cover over their addiction to money, sex, fancy houses, food, drugs, etc., because they have no connection to Source/spirituality.  They are using having a thin body as the token for being “in control” of themselves.

However, if you dig a little deeper in thin, rich people’s lives, you’ll see all kinds of things out of control that they are hiding.  They’re playing the materialist game and it will at some point, come tumbling down.  No one on this planet is immune to control issues.  And no one has the right to assert that they are better or of more value on the planet because they can appear to be.  All the world’s a stage and they are certainly the players.  So what they assert is that anyone who is thick and fluffy, for whatever reason, doesn’t matter as much, is not “in control” of themselves, should not make as much money, and are below the thin people in every way.  I don’t think so. Attitudes are changing now.

I’ve already achieved two of my dreams; having a child, and having my own healing practice. I’m convinced, and I’ve heard firsthand accounts from those who have been heavy and are now thin, that when a woman loses weight, her value and amount of “attention and affirmation” go up astronomically from others.  Thin privilege is real.  Some guys say it doesn’t matter when they’re feeling all warm in their heart.  But that’s only one-eighth of the time that they’re feeling warm in their heart.  The rest of the time they’re a stray dog looking for a b….. to hump.  Then it matters! Size usually doesn’t matter to cat-type men, only to the dogs.

Thin, toned women function to easily fulfill the sexual appetite of men or women mostly, in my opinion. Let’s face it. Sex can go quicker, is more intense, you can move better and it’s all pretty animalistic when you’re small.  Thick people have great sex too. I’m not asserting we don’t, but it takes longer. The men get their grounding through the woman, use her, and throw her-sort of like a dementor in Harry Potter when they can get it quickly.  Fat women are self-contained and ground themselves with love through their thickness. The weight pulls on gravity which helps us center our energy like a magnet.  It’s just a theory.  My son said to me, “It seems like fat people are happier Mom”.  Lol. Maybe we’re calmer, less stressed out because we aren’t competing so much or we’re just less materialistic and superficial.  I don’t know.

It’s a diabolical fact in our society that fat people are treated like lepers. It’s because of patriarchy and capitalism. Fat people are offensive to patriarchal men and women.  We’re paid less, viewed as lazy or stupid, unhealthy, an insurance risk, and not touched as much. My ex-husband asked me to lose weight “for him”. That means he was a dog-type man looking for a bitch, which I was not. The whole notion is so incredibly nauseating at how superficial and conditional people are in their acceptance of others. One of my old friends lost a TON of weight (she was bigger than me), and she seems most unhappy now that she’s thin. Sure, physically it’s easier to move, but now she’s realizing what she was hiding from when she was overweight and I think it’s getting to her. She was hiding from superficial bullshit and predatory males!  The same thing happened to my older sister. It’s obvious to me that it’s too easy for women to lose themselves in relationships, others, their kids, their community and ignore their body and their emotional and spiritual needs.

It’s too easy for men to lose themselves in sex, toys, money, and immediate gratification. It turns some men on when a woman loves herself, knows her own mind and needs and loves her body no matter what size it is. I’ve been all sizes in my life. While I’ve been a Mom, I’ve felt very comfy in a thicker body. But now that my son is grown and I want to zip around from 56-104 years old, I think my bones will hold up better if I lighten the load. That said, I’m not going to parade around a different size body like it’s a trophy which degrades those that choose to stay in a thicker body!  To each his own.

For me, I respect a man so much if he can control any of his appetites and learn to spend time with a woman and love a woman in a relationship as a friend. If he can’t, I don’t respect him, no matter how good looking he is, how many degrees he has, money and accolades to boot. Men are going to have to face the fact that unless they can bond monogamously with the woman that really loves and digs him, he’s a failure in societies eyes.