Essay; Men and Sex. Not the Same as Women! Polyamory vs. Celibacy


man-looking-at-checking-out-woman

The male animal has been domesticated and it’s not all pretty. I think of that right-wing show I can’t stand, “Last Man Standing” with Tim Allen as the star. I am at a unique vantage point right now on this issue as a single, 56-year-old, financially independent woman.

The societal Disney pictures are that I’m supposed to have kids in college or graduated and grandchildren on the way in a loveless and sexless marriage going to church every Sunday in order to be respected and to be “an honest woman”. That is not the case here and I’m happy about it. I live my life in truth and do whatever I want.

The societal Disney picture proscribed onto a 56-year-old man is pretty much the same but it’s far more likely that he is lonely from what the stats report. I’m never lonely. Women find real love through our children and grandchildren. I hear there is nothing better. Our mates have never been a terribly adequate source of love, let’s face it. Over time, we get tired of each other’s issues and the stats bear me out. I do believe love is possible though in middle age.

Women happily and independently move on and grow, usually living alone. The men are still dependent, stuck in this situation with nothing, having evolved with a brain that seeks more than one mate for reproduction. They are on the prowl again. There is an option for men; polyamory. This is a good article on it and explains reasons and motivations that have been studied. However, I’m conjecturing it’s for younger men.

Why People Choose Polyamory

I suppose some women like polyamory but I don’t think it comes naturally to us. Personally, if I can’t find the right partner that suits me emotionally and spiritually I remain celibate but I don’t think most women do. I’ve done that for years at a time but never more than two. That sits very comfortably with me because I love deeply and never deny my feelings to suit men that are detached emotionally from sex.  So really, polyamory and celibacy are related in that, if you can’t find the right partner you do what you have to do; whatever you need. But we have to admit that love is a magnet for men and for women. When someone finally loves and understands you, you’ll go to the end of the world to be with them.

If women have emotional issues, we know how to deal with them, grow, and decide what we want; a new mate or remain single. Then we do whatever we want. If you take care of yourself, there are a million men who will chase you. You just have to pick one. But for friends or family who choose polyamory, this is a good article on the possible motivations so you can understand it better rather than judge it.

This particular quote really rang true to me.

“Polyamory can effectively skirt the need to face an addiction and the painful feelings it covers. However, polyamory can also be utilized as a healthy means of coping with psychological difficulties, pre-existing trauma, differences in sexual desire, and the garden variety erotic boredom so common in long-term monogamous marriages.”

I see so many clients with painful feelings that have not come to the surface and then it resides in their bodies. That directly affects their ability to bond and love a mate and have great sex. This is just one of the reasons for polyamory. And of course, the basis of that is the parents and time in utero, and the early childhood that formed the subconscious mind; especially the mother. I have compassion for men that were born to very wounded, unstable mothers. They don’t have much feminine principle strength within them to pull from. Girls of wounded mothers do; themselves. It’s a blessing to be born female, no matter what the Chinese think. The inner mother is our greatest guide and support on this planet.

For men, I can only hope that they find a female friend that loves and nurtures them just as they are so they can learn to love their body, take care of themselves and be empowered men. Women have no excuse. We are the strong ones on the planet hands down. It is our responsibility to lead, take care of ourselves and to teach healing by being a good example.

Essay; Making Love Vs. Just…Doing It.


Kiss Me

I am very intuitive with my body and I believe most women are as well. Now that I’m dating again, I’m seeing that I set the tone for how things are going to proceed physically. That’s because it’s incredibly taboo for a man to force the situation. You really need our permission and to know we’re relaxed in order for you to be successful. We know that. It’s actually a little bit of pressure on the woman because as they say; “Women give sex to get a relationship and men give a relationship in order to get sex”. But what’s happening now is women are willing to give men their body without a relationship and many women don’t even want a relationship anymore because the men aren’t really capable of one. That, and online porn is free. Women never get their relationship no matter what they do. Everything is just at low-level sex and means nothing. The women are done trying to go to the mat and fight for it when the truth is, we’re doing an awful lot and dog training too! I never would which is why my marriages ended. It was too much work and I’ve never had a dog. I’m a cat person.

We have to assess you and figure out how much relationship time you can stomach before we give in to sex. Man is that tricky because every guy has a different threshold of relationship skill and patience. We’re thinking that way while you’re thinking, “How can I get her to have sex with me now?” because that’s how men “do relationship”. We know you’re thinking that. I don’t judge it. I feel it’s the way men’s brains are programmed, just like women are programmed to bond and we need to accept it about you. Neither of us is better than the other one but we’re each going to try to get our way to gauge the situation.

That’s a little bit of a generalization but most women care about bonding, feelings, and a relationship in equal ratio with men caring about sex. The women who don’t remind me of Samantha Jones on “Sex and The City”. She’s pretty much masculinized in a feminine outfit on that show. That’s what happens when women adopt values that are patriarchal in nature and highly attributable to men. They want no bonding and nothing to do with a relationship. If a guy even asks to see her again or wants to stay over she gets upset. Yes, men want some relationship and she doesn’t even want that! I’m wondering if women are actually moving more toward that now?

As a woman, I feel like it’s important for men to know that hardly any woman on the planet just wants to fuck. We want to make love! Sadly, many women have given up and lead desperate lives in a fallow garden of never having sex the way they need it if they are with a man. It’s because the women won’t take it upon themselves to teach you what to do for them by doing it to you. If you don’t pay attention and learn something from her cues, how she’s touching, what her body is doing, and a bunch of other stuff, you won’t keep her. She will either put on layers and stop taking care of herself because she needs your money, cheat on you, or divorce you. Women need to let you know what they want, how they want to be made love to by how she touches you! I’m sorry, but men don’t know squat. It’s not in your nature! Club hands.

Here’s to everyone making more Love baby! Love your own body, love your partner’s body and let them know by how you touch them and speak to them.

 

 

Essay; People Are Who They Are


JusticeOne of the things I think we all know as an adult is that you can’t change anyone. But it’s funny that we still try. I’m still single, not even a boyfriend and I’d say I’m content this way for now. However, I still have men DM’ing me quite often in all of the social media boxes, trying to get me to do their bidding, pay attention, throw them a bone, give them what they want and generally flirt and waste my time. I ended it and put up boundaries. Out of fifteen, maybe I’ll be a bit interested in one.

I’ve experienced this over and over with men; even the ones that love me just as I am. In my line of work we call it offloading or projecting. Over and over, even the nice guys with a genuine heart want me to be what they need me to be. Very rarely are they interested in who I am, what I care about, and how I feel. The last fellow I dated said that I should stop looking so pretty and then I wouldn’t get bothered so much going on my walk three times around the block. What’s next? A burka? I don’t even wear much makeup and hardly spend any money on clothes! I just am who I am and I told him as much.

I’m secure, stable, smart and I take care of myself. That’s just too much to handle for a man that needs a woman made of clay who he can mold or who will mold herself to him or fake an orgasm. I am who I am. I’ll remain alone before I change for anyone or fake an orgasm to shore up a man’s ego. Women do that all the time by the way. If guys read women’s feeling better or if women were more honest they’d know.

I have vices; for example, I say I’ll show up at a party I’m invited to and because I’m a writer and an introvert I’d rather stay home and so I do. I cancel. If a project is too challenging or I bit off more than I could chew, sometimes I don’t finish it.  Sometimes I say I’m just going to have one drink and I have three, although I almost always only have one. I feel incredibly emotionally detached from most human beings because I find them far too emotionally indulgent for my comfort level and lacking in inner discipline. I’d say all of these things about me are unattractive but I am who I am. I’m also a big flirt in person because I can be! It’s fun! I do not flirt on social media though. The men always initiate there.

Honesty with yourself and someone you’re dating is super important to keep your energy aligned. I find myself very distracted and unable to get my work done when too many emotions and sex have been flying around. I just need to be authentic with a man. Maybe some women expect men to change too, but can women ever really be themselves and be truly loved when men are who they are?

Heartset; Inspiration Is Just Competition


 

looking in the mirror

We are our own best friend or our own worst enemy.

Sometimes being inspired by someone just means you want to compete with them. Competition is a bit of an illusion because there is plenty to go around and you can’t compare two people’s lives to each other. Thus, there is no real competition. We’re all very different and have paid the piper different amounts based on our choices. Ultimately, we’re competing with a vision of who we want to be and who we really are, so be careful projecting that onto others. Just look in the mirror and be honest with yourself if you really want power over your life.

 

 

 

Essay; The Sacrifice Model Shores up Patriarchy


my-kite-1@2x
“My Kite” by Paige Bradley

My last post was about men as a subject, women as object and how that can pivot so that men are objectified as well under the paradigm of patriarchy.  That’s not something that most women are aware of. First, let me remind my readers that neither male nor female dominance in civilization is ideal. We came from 5000 years of matriarchy which preceded patriarchy and now we are shifting again. My hope is that we don’t go back to the mistakes and abuses of matriarchy just because it’s in our collective unconscious ancestral memory. I believe women have evolved ahead of men but men have come a long way as well in 5000 years. The idea here is for humanity and the earth to move into our conscious minds, or reasonable mind engendered by the balance between intuition and rationality. That will then fill our households, the foundation of our societies the world over.

Gender equity or balance of power will lead us to less militarism, more peace, more great sex, and more love. Yes, I’m an idealist but some partners are succeeding. It occurred to me yesterday that when you have the subject-object system going, which is what patriarchy thrives on, both subject and object, both men and women are sacrificed for the profit of the 1% on the planet, even though patriarchy makes it appear as though men are in charge. They aren’t really. They only have what women let them have. Imagine for a moment the suggestion of “Lysistrata” coming to pass?

Lysistrata is a Greek comedy written by Aristophanes about women boycotting sex with men in order to quell the endless wars of that age. What if today, women all over the planet found the wherewithal to stop making porn videos altogether, stopped having sex with their husbands/boyfriends/partners, and halted reproduction until men got the message of respecting our humanity and not just looking to us for sex and food attention but as a friend and a mate? Maybe this is what lesbians wish would happen. There is a whole group of feminists that believe that until women take full charge of their body and stop sharing it with men, women don’t stand a chance of true liberation. I just ponder that in my circumstantial celibacy. I will say that it’s truly empowering to live alone and be in full charge of my body and my physical energy as a female. I’ve become fully aware of how much all of the men I’ve known have taken sex and food from me and how little they’ve truly given back. It’s not an awareness I relish and I’m certainly not saying that I believe all men do that.

Subjects are sacrificed to the 1% who in turn are brainwashed or socially engineered to sacrifice the objects. Men are “subjected” to the dictates of family, state, church, and corporation and sacrificed and rewarded for handing over the control of their heart and mind to that. That’s how Trump got elected in provincial, small-town America which is trapped in it’s subconscious, family-programmed mind!

Part of the purpose of social engineering is to objectify and eat women for breakfast. Women are to be consumed; sexual consumption and food consumption. Men are not taught to see us as full human beings with a mind and heart but to overlook all of that, no matter how smart or successful we are in order to objectify and subsume us; no matter what. Her provision of children is only a mask for the man that makes him appear more socially acceptable to all of the institutions listed above. Let’s not forget that he is not acting from a whole heart and mind. If he did, he would be a damned artist or poet, drugged in a psych ward and living on the fringes.  We can’t have that frightful prospect, can we? I’m half kidding.

There are millions of men and women who are free spirits and see through the charade of civilization though and we own houses, pay our bills and mow the lawn. It does take guts to join us though and we’re usually not rich.

So you see the subject-object title is interchangeable. The subjects are also brought to be objects for the elite; especially in war (the honored dead, mostly male), in sports, and in corporate life. It’s incumbent on men and women to jump out of the subject-object roles and live a free life.

 

 

Heartset; Subject-Object in Life


 

I’m on this planet to act, not be acted upon and that’s not selfish. It’s what we all need to do; act on behalf of ourselves in our own lives so we can unconditionally give to one another.

Remember diagraming those sentences in school? Subject, verb, object. “What is the subject of the sentence and how does it act (the verb) on the object?”

There is much hoopla made of women being sexually objectified but when these issues come up, I always try to think about it intuitionally as well as rationally because it’s so easy to stereotype based on gender.

It is widely observed that males do tend to be the subject of most movies, books, sporting events, commercials, anchors on the news, utility companies, Presidents, and CEOs. The male perception of things does, in fact, run the planet. That’s patriarchy.

But does that mean that men are never objectified? Think about the system of patriarchy a second. Patriarchy is about usage and consumption. It’s about money, power, death, and oppression, control and victory at any cost. There isn’t much good about it. I’d say there is nothing good about it. In a system such as that, militarism, monetary debt, toxic waste, pathological lying, corrupt government leaders and religion are rife. It doesn’t do much good on the planet. But both women and men shore up patriarchy by accepting their roles of subject-object and rarely reversing them. They could reverse them, or in a loving partnership, both of them are subjects and never objects. So, in that scenario, isn’t it reasonable to assume that:

“Patriarchy eats everything”; Subject/verb/object. Men are consumed as well by the monster. They, in turn, are taught and expected to consume woman.

No one escapes and no one wins really. That means men are objectified too by the system as being set up over and over again as the subject of every last, damn, thing. They are, after all, most of the millions dead from two World Wars. Just watch TV with pen and paper and make two columns Male/Female and make a vertical slash every time you see a woman, every time you see a man and watch the men’s column pile up. That’s not a good thing for men or for women. It’s unbalanced! I personally wouldn’t want all that focus. It’s too much pressure.

When women are portrayed on TV they are rarely if ever portrayed as subjects or the ones acting first in the sentence. If they are it’s as a conniving wench, a bitch, a sweet mother or a nurse. Patriarchy doesn’t allow for women to be portrayed as a strong subject; a female lead. Hillary Clinton did that and she was crucified. The message, “Women, don’t ever try to be the subject of the sentence in the United States of America.”

I’ve had too many men say to me, “You just want attention.” My response, “No, I’d just like to be the subject, not the object being acted upon by you most of the time.” But somehow, I doubt most women even know they’re the object being acted upon. They take it for granted that it is their role because they follow system dictates unconsciously. The media and the church do the brainwashing.

For the first time in my life, living in the house I own, I am the subject of my own life and I am able to give focus and make each of my patients that come here the subject in my office. I started out my physical life as a child being extremely objectified by my parents, then school, then college, then my parents literally threw me to a Chicago curb when I was eighteen like so much garbage, then men, on and on for half of my life. Women are not seen or known or even wanting to be known by anyone as people! But are men either? They have that subject role to carry around all the time like a rock in a backpack. Not even our other women friends who are too busy being objectified by their families that define them, want to spend time with me.

Well, in my house, “The patient receives therapy from me.” Subject/verb/object. I guess I’m a pronoun in my office. That’s just fine because I’m the subject of my life for the rest of the time because I have important work to do and I’m doing it.

 

Essay; Physical Intuition Counts When You Fight


male-female

This is my theory anyway. When it comes to disagreement or a fight between partners, the physical relationship or sex dictates the way two people fight. This is a bit mysterious to me but I think we’ve always known that tension and competition between human beings are sexual. Right? It’s not particularly conscious but in a way, we’re all attracted to each other. I guess you could call it love, whether it’s heterosexual or homosexual. But which person we actually have sex with depends on those pheromones.

My intuition tells me that if a man brings no feelings to my body or his own body, and he feels he can mentally maintain the upper hand in a dispute, he would be incorrect. Feelings are more powerful and primal than thoughts. The body is emotions for men and women. I think this is why the presence of women in the public workplace is disruptive for males, whether they’re conscious of it or not. If they have no sexual relationship with her, they have no emotional connection and thus no real power over her. It is important for women to understand that love and feelings for a man happen in direct relationship to a woman’s physical body (sex). That is not the case for women! For women, feelings and bonding happen first through talking, communicating, VIBING (intuition). Then she decides whether to bring in sex which just adds another layer. Men need to understand that. If she is smarter or very smart, which women tend to be, she can dominate the situation at work where there is money involved. Think about that.

Thinking rationally is fairly new to human beings if not still novel! It’s wet paint on the wall of evolution, not yet dry. Humans are instinctual more than rational. Or you could view following your instinct as rational at this point. I’m not saying that scientific calculations are useless. But without intuitive calculations, they are not as likely to be correct.

Women can be rational and intuitive at the same time in a dispute. Men cannot. I believe women have evolved this ability as mothers in order to control our children. Rational thinking gave men a leg up in the evolution of the hunt so did they get lazy on intuition? Men’s intuition is an interesting subject and one I know nothing about. I do believe it’s there.

My point is when it comes to making an argument with your partner, the more your intuition is tuned into feelings or can read the situation, the more likely it is you’ll be heard and possibly even come to a resolution. Wouldn’t that be novel between women and men? (Sigh)

Prose; I Make My Bed


 

Woman-making-bed

I make my bed as though someone other than me might want to lay on it to relax…

Doubtful.

Fans, fanatics, stalkers, jealous husbands, jealous siblings, errant preachers, starry-eyed parents, and students all seeking some higher bedding more like a cloud…nothing low to ground where I am.

Doubtful.
It’s so…fake.

“THIS is who you are”. “THIS is who you are”…”This is who you are” rings the cacophony.

I am not going to spend my last breath, defying all of you because you are surface dwellers; American Idol, Desperate Housewives watchers. Fantasy. I hate TV.

I’m glad my son can cry and be tired. It means he’s human. That’s all there is.

I’m glad I can kick my ex out of the house for insulting my talent. It means I’m human.
All I have is myself and time…

Let me divorce all that is not calm and in balance.
Ring out the true madness that jumps up…to lightness.
Jumps up…to levity
Jumps up…to where gravity is turned upside down.
My feet are my head. Who cares? Must we always walk?

I want to live in a dimension where upon meeting someone I like, I kiss them with ridiculous abandon.

©Lisa Townsend-2011


	

Essay; The Anima and The Animus


anima and animus

I’ve always been fascinated by the inner male inside the female (animus) and the inner female inside the male (anima). The terms were coined by the psychologist C.G. Jung.  It seems to me that humans intuitively know we each have those energies as part of our identity to some degree without over-analyzing it. Women and men are both female and male! It’s one of the reasons that the homosexual lifestyle really doesn’t bother most Americans. A Pew Research poll taken in 2017 showed that 62% of Americans support same-sex marriage. We all know that we’re learning about our bodies and our feelings whether we’re attracted to female or male at one time or another.  It’s no big deal as long as you’re honest with yourself in the midst of it and are careful of children’s attachment to parents.

I’m a trained actor with a degree in it, so I know how to have almost instant access to a wide range of emotions, and tears are super easy for me. I spent two years learning how to do that. But I much prefer laughter and happiness as part of my natural personality. Yet when I cry, it feels like a cry for the animus, the male in me that stomps all over my receptive female. My receptive female, all receptive females are beautiful. She is the bearer and producer of life after all. But is she loved and cared for safely the way she should be? Or must she always stroke the male ego to be loved, even if his behavior doesn’t call for it? If love from her partner is conditional based on size and behavior, he cannot say he loves her.  All humans go through hard patches where our self-esteem is bottomed out.  If someone really loves you, and has seen and knows that you have it in you to eventually come out of it, they’ll stay by your side, not bolt.

My experience and intuition tell me that it’s not terribly safe to be an open, loving, female in our society. Most women I know have developed serious defenses now and will even aggressively act out because there is no real equity and heaping amounts of bias based on gender! It’s very similar to unarmed black men being gunned down by police. It’s appalling and tragic!! Women are at about the same level as black men in our society and I’m guessing the stats regarding violence toward women would show this to be true.

Over fifty-four years I’ve maximized my intellect with education, developed firm boundaries in the public workplace (which doesn’t seem to make any difference), insisted on being treated with respect (sometimes it works), focused on my behavior more than my looks (rarely works), and become very focused and skilled in my work. Guys don’t like it. Once I hit my thirties, I learned how to be assertive and opinionated as well. The other thing that goes on is that as a pretty white woman, I feel no obligation to maximize my looks to feed patriarchal bullshit and make myself superficial to manipulate the system. I feel more powerful sitting in my authenticity. Women that aren’t as pretty compete with me or make sure I keep a distance from the man they’re pursuing (so weird) when I’m not even looking at him. He’s usually flirting with me! We are so programmed to believe that survival on this planet depends on finding “our level” as prescribed by the institutions and the media that we don’t even know we’re doing it!

It’s not working. I’m still seen as a girl and treated like a girl. No matter how “male” a woman learns to act in public or how many letters she has behind her name with a high I.Q., she’s still paid less than a man and treated like her first order of business is to give her body to a man or his system for his consumption. I would never get a sex change operation just so I’d have more money for security but it seems like that extreme could be called for. It’s not unlike MJ bleaching his skin to appear more white. That’s how bad our society is for anyone who is not a white male.

Thank goodness I really love my work and do it very well because of all of my dedication and accomplishment. I work with the Universe who always has my back on this rough planet. If it weren’t for my intuition and rational mind guiding me, I’d probably be dead. I very much want to be alive so it’s a good thing.

Women and Men Express Love Differently


I’ve noticed on FB threads and my blogs that women like to hear my thoughts far more than men. Men want us to be quiet. That doesn’t mean we’re going to be but I’m approaching it from a biological brain difference. Men can only take so much talking.  Most women can’t get enough. Over twenty years I’ve observed the energy and bodies of men and women and found that women need to talk but men don’t usually want to listen or talk. Hopefully, if your man does need to talk, he knows he can talk to you and you’ll be understanding. That should be reciprocated on occasion.
Men literally need our bodies or body language to communicate to us. We need their love (male heart vibe). So, men express love physically, not verbally. Women express love mentally and emotionally because that’s what we each need. Men live in their minds with each other. Women live in their bodies with each other and it can be overkill either way.😌 I think that’s part of why humans tend to be heterosexual (male and female living together). I know I couldn’t handle living with a woman, sex or no sex. I’m woman enough for myself.
Do women hear men’s silent body language to us or do we assume it’s shallow objectification? Do men hear a woman’s feelings in her tone of voice and writing or do they just hear static blather? Sometimes neither one of us is listening but judging by our own bias instead.