Re-Program; Serial Dysfunction; The Need to Fix or Control Events Around You


I’m still seeing this in people’s behavior near me and in society, but not as much. It’s an unwillingness to feel your real feelings in the middle of an event, something tragic or good that is happening, or in a close relationship. I’ve said this before and it bears saying again. It’s not about indulging or staying in emotion but letting it flow like water down a stream. You need to stop trying to do so much around the event and for other people when it’s happening and sit with them, empathize, have compassion, not pity, and be quiet. It is only in that way that trust is garnered between people. Being bossy or authoritative will always be resented by human beings. Boss yourself around, not others. BYOB could mean “Be your own boss” and there wouldn’t be a need to “Bring your own booze.”

I’ve seen it over and over in my office. Human beings appreciate firm, loving boundaries and to hear your expertise, but don’t tell them what to do or how to feel or they have the right to resist you in any way they can and they will. A parent doing this to adult children or nearly adult children is particularly dysfunctional. You need to live your own life if you’re trying to live your life through your kids.

Sometimes just being there and just listening is all someone needs! Most of the difficulty in life cannot be fixed or controlled and it is incredibly obnoxious to be around someone who wants to do that when you as an individual are capable of feeling and flowing with your deep feelings, negative or positive, whatever it may be! Your body can only be aligned if you go into that alone or with one other person. Repressed emotions kill people! Overly indulged emotions kill people too so there is a balance called for. A professional therapist and Reiki treatments really help. It’s called high blood pressure, stroke, and addictive behaviors, so it’s fairly serious.

The elements of our society that think it’s funny, ridiculous, or immature to actually be authentic in expressing how you feel are psychologically damaged and need to stop projecting their denial onto others, making fun of them or being abusive. It’s a type of bullying. Repressed emotion leading to addiction isn’t funny; it’s tragic and we see it in the increased level of suicide, including the slow kind; society sanctioned alcoholism, sex crimes, drug addiction, religious addiction, materialism, and hate crimes.

I guess I’m a big hippie. Peace and Love baby. Here’s to a happier, healthier world that’s sober and creatively passionate.

peace-sign

 

 

Essay; Shaming Intimate Human Feeling as a Tool of Patriarchy; Separation and Control


Earth in a Spiral

Why Patriarchy Is Not About Men

By Miki Kashtan Ph.D. says, 

In the European historical lineage, which later affected many other cultures through colonial contact, the shift to separation and control coincided with making paternity central. (Instead of matrilineal descent) How paternity came to be central after it wasn’t for 97% of the existence of Homo Sapiens is way beyond what a blog post can address. What is important to note, though, is that once paternity becomes important, controlling women is inevitable, because only by controlling women can it be reliably known who the father is. There is an irreducible distance between the biological father and the offspring that can only be eliminated fully by imprisoning a woman and preventing any other man from having access to her. This is why patriarchal societies by necessity become societies of control and separation. We have become so habituated to this state of affairs that most of us don’t even see that it is our own creation.”

I have three sources that I’ve referred to in learning about matriarchy or matrilineal kinship over the last few years. Matriarchy preceded patriarchy by about ten thousand years it is believed, by studying archeological finds all over the world. Right here at the beginning, I will once again state that it is my great wish for gender equity in private and in public, not re-visiting matriarchal dominance in our modern society or in our homes. Keep in mind that the family is also an institution. Women and men need to share power equally in all of our institutions or frankly, those institutions will disintegrate under the influence of excess testosterone seen mostly in militarism. At the grassroots level in the home, it manifests as domestic violence, lack of birth control, and disrespect for women’s feeling nature and consequently men’s feeling nature.

My sources are:

The Book; “The Origin of the Family, Private Property and the State” by Friedrich Engels

In this book, stages of prehistoric culture are outlined first as savagery, then barbarism and civilization.

I then found a lengthy article as a commentary on Engels, written by Chris Knight. It was: “Engels was Right; Early Human Kinship was Matrilineal”

Early Human Kinship was Matrilineal

He delves into the question; “Was the primordial human social institution the family or the matrilineal clan?” His conclusion based on science is that it was the matrilineal clan. In other words, matriarchy is not a myth; it was real. Here is another link noting their existence;

Five Matriarchal Societies In History

They are The Nubians in Egypt, The Trobrianders in Africa, the Palawan in SE Asia, the Khasi in NE India, and the Mosvo in SW China.

Kashtan says,

Boys are now brutalized in ways that girls are not in order to prepare them for positions of domination. As bell hooks said, “Learning to wear a mask (that word already embedded in the term ‘masculinity’) is the first lesson in patriarchal masculinity that a boy learns. He learns that his core feelings cannot be expressed if they do not conform to the acceptable behaviors sexism defines as male. Asked to give up the true self in order to realize the patriarchal ideal, boys learn self-betrayal early and are rewarded for these acts of soul murder.” (bell hooks, The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love)”

When a human feeling is shamed, the body is shamed. The body is one with the Mind which consists of thoughts and feelings and the Spirit. Thus, in holism, we say “Mind, Body, Spirit” and this is our paradigm shift in this current day and age. It is my life’s work for the last twenty years. In my estimation;

1. We are up against the degradation of intuition on the part of patriarchal institutions of Church and State, even though it’s widely known that our greatest scientists and artists were very balanced in intuition and rational thinking. The two combined are the higher mind.

2. We are up against Newtonian Mechanics and reductionist philosophy still taught in most of our medical schools shoring up the failing western health care system. (Is your body really a car? No) Quantum Physics is more accurate now.

3. We are up against Artificial Intelligence (A.I.) and technology being put on a pedestal of machine learning that supposedly transcends the dregs of humanities ability with blood, muscle, and effort to get the job done. In other words, Real Intelligence is pitted against Artificial Intelligence.

4. We are pitted against a worldwide media that portrays human beauty in a very small box and everyone else should be replaced by a machine. This is once again, the degradation of the human body.

They can’t get into EVERY corner of our private lives. We can restrict the invasion of our privacy in our own homes, make different choices, keep having sex the way we want to, with whomever we want to, or intimate relationships before sex the way we need to. We can keep sharing our authentic feelings one on one with friends and family. We can be kind to one another whenever possible.  We can practice holistic medicine, only visit the doctor in an emergency, boycott health insurance and take care of our body ourselves with effort and with cash. In all of those ways, we can realize that we are real humans with a lineage that is universal; not matrilineal or patrilineal based only on our birth family or DNA.

 

Essay; Interpreting Warmth from a Woman


Warm behavior doesn’t mean anything! Being warm, smiling, happy, and beautiful is normal for almost all women, but don’t expect it or ask us to smile or you’ll get our wrath; especially lately. It’s no different than men casually hitting on a woman in a predatory manner, staring at her breasts or crotch, or offering to have an affair with her because he’s bored with his current woman. Those sexual behaviors all mean nothing to a man too. He’s just being normal. But they do to us! Just like our warmth and smile means something to you. We are warm and smile at everyone!

We are beautiful, loving creatures that like to wiggle our stuff, put on makeup sometimes, and be feminine. We do it for us because it’s natural, not for you. She is saying nothing at all about how she feels about you. I said this to a guy in Chicago that I was seeing in my twenties and he refused to believe me. That is patriarchy manipulating men’s brains and egos and thus, some women are able to manipulate men to believe that we set up our bodies and looks for you. Women that pretend that are the lowest and the worst. They have no self-esteem and no inner strength. They aren’t to be trusted.

Here is something to ponder then. When a man doesn’t predominantly hit on you but instead is a gentleman, respectful, warm, spends time with you and wants to talk to you, that must mean something more. I’m guessing. This male behavior is akin to a woman showing you her real feelings, thoughts, and inner self; not just all the girly warm stuff. She trusts that you’re interested in her as a person, not just boobs and pussy. Or, she doesn’t mind you seeing her without make-up or naked. Now it’s getting intimate. Do you see how it flipped? The man tuned into the feminine inner nature and the woman her outer sexual physical truth which is male.

Men have a hard time interpreting how a woman feels, especially if he is or has been attracted to her in any way. At worst, he’s given up and ignores the issue. The fact that he can’t control or accurately interpret her behavior, in general, is obviously emasculating. After all, the greatest male urge is to have access to a woman’s body, especially if she is novel to him. At the very least, if he continues to be attracted to her in some way, he’s got to do something about that attraction which means he wants to take action.

If he keeps coming toward you, keeps coming over, keeps talking to you, keeps flirting with you, he’s into you and there’s nothing a man can say to hide that fact, although they do deny it because they haven’t figured out how to control you yet. Some women are very in control of their own lives and don’t let on how much they are attracted to you either.

Women cannot be controlled…none of us…ever and that will be the everlasting consternation of men. We control the mating signals. Because we’re the ones that have the most to gain or lose in the reproduction game. It’s fair that we control that because of nature.

Post-reproduction that changes. In middle age, some men panic because their testosterone has decreased and they have performance anxiety. If he drinks or smokes weed too much, his testosterone is even lower. Middle-aged women know that by the way and are mindful. However, our libido goes up as we get older because we can’t get pregnant. We have no fear! So, guys, you may want to take care of yourselves to take advantage of all the great sex after 50 that a woman is wanting! Middle-aged women who take care of themselves have it all over the younger women in some ways because we have sexual skill, experience and can’t get pregnant.

More than a couple men have told me they long for a woman to want them. Women don’t long for that. It’s obvious men want us and sometimes aren’t terribly picky. Most women long to be left alone by the men pursuing her that she is not interested in and will not be interested in. That’s the fact right there. If she does decide who she wants attention from, she will be coy, not assertive in attracting him. If he doesn’t respond, trust me, she’ll move on. There are other fish in the sea and we need physical attention. Women want and need sex just as much as men do, but for different reasons.

No matter what a woman writes or says that indicates warmth and affection for you, in no way does it mean she wants to circle her wagons around you, marry you, be territorial about you, or control you. It doesn’t mean she wants you. It just means she likes you and is observing you. It means you have a foot in the door to her attention. And trust me; if you ignore that fact, as though she amounts to diddly-squat, you will never hear from her again. You won’t exist. And if you didn’t bother to really get to know her and cast her aside, your ego rules the day, not your heart. That makes a man a loser to us. If you diss her because her breasts weren’t the right size or she has a belly, you are a fool. That’s how men end up with the wrong woman. They aren’t patient enough to give the connection a chance because of superficial summation of her looks.

Women take a while to warm up and make up their minds about a man. We are complicated creatures and most of us have a very small pool of men that are acceptable to us, that gets our motor running, that we want to share feelings with and feel secure within a dangerous world. So it is a vital mistake to interpret our behavior toward you too soon. Be smart and be patient.

 

Heartset; What is Connection?


very cool lemniscate

A connection is an affinity, ease of communication, an understanding of another person, a desire to get to know someone better, the real possibility of a lasting friendship, and for women, respect. For men, it’s a huge turn-off to contemplate respecting a woman although most won’t admit it.

A connection does not denote love, being in love, physical attraction, desire for sex, desire to get married, desire to live with you, dreaming of a future, desire for a boyfriend, an attempt to control the other person, or dependency. Just because a guy feels a connection to a woman he really…should not freak out in fear that she’s going to control him with her feminine ways and make him give her babies. Or, post-reproduction, make him grow up and face and express his feelings. Most of us are too busy to try to control you. We ask that you organize yourselves. That’s usually asking too much though.

Interdependent connection between a woman and a man means you each have your own lives, take responsibility for knowing and expressing how you feel, making your own physical appointments, have boundaries that you agree on for privacy, but depend on each other for whatever you’re comfortable with which is usually quite a bit; affection, sex, sharing food duties, household chores, and child and pet care. Personally, though, I think couples need to have their own money and manage it themselves but sometimes merging it makes a bigger pile obviously. However, spending priorities can cause a divorce so, in that case, keep it separate.

I happened to be sitting next to a guy at a bar several months ago and he got a text from a woman he’d been dating. He told me she was really hot (like I need to know that. He wanted me to know that). She had just texted that she was willing to help him decorate his new place. He complained to me that that was intrusive and overcontrolling of her. I just shook my head. Men. You overinterpret us just being nice, way too much. We just like to do girly stuff.

You also make an awful lot of dumb assumptions about our sexual prowess and skill-based on our body shape and size. That’s like assuming an orange that’s bigger than the other ones won’t taste as good pulling it off the tree when it truth, it will likely be sweeter and juicier! Your loss dude. Think through stuff more. A smart woman in life is a smart woman in bed, no matter her size. And if she’s smart, she’ll be detached in her feelings and won’t necessarily want you to stay. We independent types like the whole bed to ourselves. You’re programmed to prefer thin women and that’s just dumb.

Another guy I sat next to one time pointed out a large-sized waitress and said, “She looks good to me. It makes me hungry looking at her.” I’m thinking, “Does he see her as a roast chicken and potatoes or a human being?” I mean really! It would have been funny if it wasn’t so stupid! Again, I shook my head.

Women have given up on all of that. A simple connection means you guys stay calm enough, nixing the drama and fear, that we can have your short attention span for maybe ten minutes? Most women won’t settle for that anymore and many women are just going to women; lesbianism. The only women left who want you will be women that want babies and that will be all they want from you if that’s the only skill you’ve developed. But if you flirt, don’t lie about it and act like you haven’t. All guys flirt even just to see how far he can get, even if he doesn’t mean it. But if you flirt, and we flirt back, you better deliver dude.

Most women are independent, not dependent. Women “act” dependent for your ego. That’s it. Most women have an education and know they need to have their own money because let’s face it; most of the time you use your money to try to control us. No woman wants to be controlled and penniless. There’s no room for love to grow there and no security for us. All women want love before anything else but many women have compromised for so long, not having the connection and affection they need that they’re out of touch with their body. Just sex is just the worst for us. It’s Mcdrive-thru Sex. Horrid. It also tells us you aren’t very bright. Only dogs just fuck and eat fast food for God’s sake.

I’ve known more than one man who I had friendship and affinity with and flirting, run the other way because I returned it. I’m mystified. We’re not supposed to like you back or you split? Are we just supposed to stand there, bask in it, and look pretty, never say anything smart and let you control every aspect of the relationship to your comfort level because you’re so insecure? That’s the only way you’ll come back or stick around? Oh well then, see ya!

 

 

 

Body Truth; An Addict’s Ability to Project is Prolific


My experience and intuition tell me that this happens when a person isn’t in control of their own body, habits, and life. It’s ultimately a health issue and usually tied to addiction. I grant that at the root of addictive behavior are deep emotional wounds, likely from childhood and unconscious or subconscious mind, and that we each want to feel better physically and emotionally and be freer. But at whose expense? It should be at your own expense. The rest of us should not be at the receiving end of your unwillingness to get some help. No one expects deep addiction issues to be handled alone. But the least we ask is that you not offload onto we civilians who are not professionals and seek professional help. I’m guessing there isn’t one person on the planet who doesn’t intimately know an active addict and it breaks everyone’s hearts; mostly your children.

It doesn’t matter how much you love someone or if they are your soul mate or your twin flame; the committed addict ruins everything. They have to use a drug to nullify their feelings and make every excuse in the book to use it and even break the law to justify it. Gee, what would that be? Civil disobedience to unjust laws that protect the public from irrational behavior while you’re on the substance or god forbid, you’re driving while on something?

You have to move on. There is no choice here or you will go down with their ship. It’s not worth it.

Alcoholism and other addictions are epidemics in our society and I’m so sick of dealing with it everywhere I turn. The weirdest part is when there is memory loss regarding communication. Even when you have proof of what they said in an email or text and they deny it. It’s unbelievable that someone can still attempt to pin a behavior on you when you have proof that they are the ones behaving that way. Goodbye. No trust.

I guess the definition of an addict is someone who is completely out of touch with their feelings and haven’t a clue what the truth is for them. So they go haphazardly through life, screwing up all of their relationships with friends, co-workers, employees, mates, and children. You would think that would be incentive enough to get some help but I’m guessing they’d just as soon stay in denial and lazy about getting a grip and fixing it. They have no inner courage.

Those deep wounds aren’t anyone else’s’ problem but theirs no matter how hard they try to tell you there is something wrong with you. That is the projection and there is no end to it. There is such a thing as an innocent party who is just learning that you are abusing a substance to the point of behavior change. Once we learn that they are not cogent, then it’s our responsibility to walk away and let the chips fall where they will. Otherwise, you’ll get into co-dependency instead of interdependency and that’s not going to help anyone.

Co-dependent is enabler and addict depending on one another to keep the addiction going. Health, money, structure, and life is in chaos for both. It’s a destructive cycle and no one is healthy or happy. All of your relationships are screwed up and most people who know you are mad at you.

Interdependent means you both are in charge of your own lives, know how you feel, express it, take care of yourself, have friends who like you and you like them, have your money and things organized, are able to say you’re sorry, and like any normal human being, have needs and want to depend on someone for support once in a while. Let’s hope we can pair up with the people we truly deserve, not the ones we don’t.

Essay; Possession in a Relationship is a Double Standard


art beach beautiful clouds

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

This issue has always befuddled me as I observe myself and others bonding with a partner for as long as I can remember. It’s the double standard regarding monogamy for women and men. No one is telling the truth.

Men portray a desire for novelty, a polyamorous lifestyle but they are the most territorial and jealous when they find a woman they really want to latch on to or as they call it, “fall in love”. They will marry and swear monogamy but they don’t usually mean it. Any woman with a brain in her head knows that. They may mean to try which is admirable but they aren’t wired for it. So, the possession thing works really well for them to attempt to control it. If they can possess and dominate their wives, that’s a turn on and maybe he won’t have to stray. He’s got what he needs at home. She’s his love slave or so he thinks. She lets him think that.

Women portray a desire for bonding, family, reproduction, monogamy, and love and they are much more territorial about their children, making sure they have a father than they are the man himself. I’m not sure guys know that, but it’s the mother love dominating the situation. He has a role to play in her home and it’s for her children. Men have a use and it’s to give us babies and be a present father. That’s not always the best thing for a man as a soul and I’ll be the first to say it! Men need love too but those babies usually win. Being possessed does not work so well for women nor do women really want the extra work of possessing a man. She possesses her children and now women are possessing themselves.

Now as I look at this, it seems like men are the ones not receiving the love they need. I used to think it was women. Actually, it’s both women and men because of reproduction. The children are getting all the love and there’s nothing left for the partners. This is a near-universal issue and after the children are grown, most parents divorce. Some even divorce while the children are young and that is not ideal at all.

So what is the motivation for possession post-reproduction in middle age? If either person has had a line of failed marriages or partners, maybe they need to prove something to themselves; that they can love and remain bonded to a partner. It’s sort of a rite of passage for all souls I think. Love and affinity is a universal desire whether it’s with a soulmate, a friend, or twin flames. I hope we all find it.

 

Heartset; Body Image and Beaches in California; It Can Be Brutal


man and woman

“Here’s to Michigan untanned, man-from-Glad skin, chubby bodies that keep us warm in the winter, and loving our neighbor as ourselves.”

I’m home, back from a mini-vacation in San Francisco, California. I had a good time but I hated my body while I was there. I was trying to use my intuition to figure it out while I was in the situation. Was I picking up the vibe from my friend who I was with? He was physically very confident, perfectly tanned, toned, and thin. But he wasn’t very healthy really. He just appeared that way. That’s Hollywood. Was it temporary insanity caused by all the flowers blooming in October? Maybe their intoxicating fragrance went to my head. My readers probably know that overall, I love and accept my body no matter what it’s going through at the moment. Feeling that way about myself, it is part of my acceptance and liberality with others. I accord them the same freedom from judgment in my office and in my life. But the projection from the dominant culture out there was so strong that I felt overwhelmed.

I just used the word liberality and I live in Michigan. We are liberal here as it relates to authentic nature. In our culture, a person is not only free to be themselves, but it’s also a social expectation that you will tell the truth about who you are and get to know your neighbor. None of that is the case in California. Nobody cares and hardly anyone looks at you and smiles. The state culture feels like one giant movie set to me where appearances and image are more important than talking to a friend when you need one or making sure you’re getting enough sleep and not abandoning your guest because of your own issues. Here in the northeast, we still have the old-fashioned value of taking care of one another, a reward for hard work and making sure our communities are liveable.

There is something to be said for basic human decency. If California is so liberal, why are there mounds of trash and graffiti on the freeway right next to million-dollar houses? That’s a prison of true ugliness, not liberalism. Your neighbors are suffering, obviously. How can you live right next to them and ignore their need? How can you throw a banana peel out the window but legislate the protection of trees that are on someone else’s property? How can you act so happy and have so many mental health issues such as alcoholism, an eating disorder, and family enmeshment yet there’s hardly anywhere to get help? Why is the fake movie industry more important than human truth in a so-called democratically-held state?

California Body Image

I’m happy to live in Michigan and be from the East. I’ve decided the so-called fake democracy of the West Coast is no longer for me. My area is very pluralistic and we manage to be kind to one another just fine and pick up after ourselves no matter where we were born.

Oakland, CA2

 

 

Essay; Do We Really Need to Depend on a Partner Intimately?


Woman on a mountain

It is very true that we are interdependent on one another in the second layer of society; fireman, government workers, health care workers, shop owners, food producers, mail folks, airline pilots and workers, taxi drivers; really an endless list. These are generally people who could be considered strangers or acquaintances in our local area. None of them lives with us. There are literally millions of service workers who are paid to be of service to individuals should they need food or attention. The grocery stores even deliver food to your door if you’re disabled. It’s actually mind-blowing if you think about it. Absolutely anything you could possibly need in terms of material need is now made available to us all over the world, sometimes at the touch of a button by other human beings who are generally happy to be helpful and kind-or appear to be.

But none of that is intimacy. None of those people know us well. They only know us superficially, sometimes less than anyone on social media. But the stats are showing that more and more Americans like living alone especially after their children are grown. It’s also known to actually ruin loving relationships to have children and form a family. I have a theory that the institution of the family is the main reason for gluttony. It looks to me like people who live in a family blow up like a balloon! You’re living so closely with people with whom you function in a prescribed role, that you put on the layers as a defense mechanism. It seems the family is more stressed than ever with a very high divorce rate. Maybe that’s because it’s unnatural but we assume it’s not! There is no disputing that. The main thing that keeps people together is guilt and duty to their children for about ten years. That’s actually not a bad function of negative emotion in this case as children really do thrive on having both parents available if they can at least be civil to one another living in the same household. The child is forming their subconscious mind.

My son is grown and I’m single so I’ve talked to other singles and they all say the same thing; “I miss having someone to talk to.” Well, how much of that talking is defending your ideas to the other person or offloading your emotions that as an adult you’re fully capable of dealing with silently or with a therapist? No two people are exactly alike and one of my least favorite activities is feeling like I have to explain my unusual self to anyone. Just read my writing or ask my patients! My work speaks for itself. Do I really have to talk about it?

I’m a writer so I unload my ideas, observations, and thoughts on the page. If you really want to know me, read what I’ve written. It sort of tells me everything when my friends don’t want to read my book or my blog.  It seems to me that when we talk to someone, we’re writing out loud. The other person is the typewriter or computer keyboard and paper receiving your thoughts. Is that fair to do that to someone else verbally? Most people see you the way they need to see you anyway, not the way you really are. It’s a psychological projection but that’s where we are in society. It may even be less than that. They size you up by how you look and your gender and that’s it! I don’t think they care to see much more. When I really like someone, I just want to be with them, hang out, walk, cook food, lay next to them, have sex. I don’t want to talk all the time. Most people I know aren’t secure enough in themselves to silently hang out.

I’m a giver for a living, or a service worker in that I’m a bodyworker and work in healthcare. I take care of people for a living and love my work. I stay quite busy, my phone rings, people ask for my advice a lot and people are in and out all day. I receive much from doing it as well and charge a fair fee so there is reciprocation. In no way do I feel I’m martyring myself during my work.

But do I really want to spend more time having sex with someone or am I happy to have the time to myself to keep working on my body, working out, buying and preparing healthy food, walking, shopping for new clothes that fit me and all the fun that entails? I’m not a child anymore so I’m not physically dependent on being taken care of physically or financially by a partner. No one is! That is a taboo subject. You’ll always get pushback on that one because of the epidemic of dysfunctional parenting. You don’t have to be a slave to any of that though. Playing the victim and being a victim is a profitable industry and shores up the existence of political parties as does being even more abusive to people that have already been victims. It’s a vicious cycle that only the individual can finally free themselves from. It’s not politically correct of me to point that out either.

I guess I’m in an experimental phase, seeing what I can get away with, how much can I make myself happy and not have to talk to anyone. Silence and peace are good. I adore it and I use it to do good work for others.

 

 

Essay; You Might Not Be Looking For a Relationship but Doesn’t Everyone Want to Love and Be Loved?


heraclitus1-2x

I wonder sometimes if women and men mean, “I’m not looking to be possessed or to possess anyone.” when they say, “I don’t want a relationship.” Words are important. When it comes to attraction, the words one uses matter.

This is why marriage always ends. In truth, no one can possess anyone. We belong to ourselves. It’s plain and simple. What keeps two people near each other is affinity, attraction, the same waveform, and comfort with each other. What splits two people is change. People change, grow and move. That’s nature. So, “forever marriage” isn’t realistic and more and more people realize that. It’s only good for the time that you’re reproducing. It’s forced togetherness for a time and it’s not a bad idea! After all, the parents are the creators of the subconscious mind of a child. That is a real togetherness. But hopefully, the child will outgrow being controlled by his subconscious mind, into his conscious mind and everyone can move on and be free.  That’s the ideal folks. Norman Rockwell was misguided.

Love, on the other hand, is everywhere, always. Mostly, it’s in us and we can’t lose it. So as you move and grow through life, you should always be able to find someone on your frequency, someone with which you have an affinity. Suffering is not called for in this life. You’re not going to get a prize for suffering and no one is requiring it of you. That’s one of the big lies of religion. It’s kind of silly because who needs religion to experience suffering?? It’s a given on this planet, everyone goes through it, no one can escape it, and no one gets a prize for being born; except a body. That’s your prize.

I find security in myself, by being what I need every day and keeping myself organized and productive. It’s futile to find security in human beings. I’m sorry to burst everyone’s social bubble. I never saw anything so foolish in my life as pining for that. Human beings change like the weather and it’s natural! If you follow their meanderings, you’ll get lost too. It just happened to me. I sometimes forget what it’s like dealing closely with people who are not in control of their lives. It doesn’t take long for me to remember at times like this and be grateful that I’ve created what I have; a solid foundation underlying an active situation on the ground that keeps shifting.

 

 

Can We Love One Another Without Traditional Bonding?


It depends on how you define bonding which I address below. In spiritual circles, we say, “Love at all times”. So the heart is always open, to everyone and we are protected by Spirit and use our intuition as a guide so there is no fear. We still have to be discerning about how we express love. For indeed, there is no fear in Love. So, that’s the idea. Many highly spiritual people succeed in this so I know it’s possible.

Like all good ideas, sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t; boots on the ground kind of thing. When I put this to the test in my relationships with men and women I’d like to have a more specific plan since I’m a lover and a giver. My cup is always full and I need to empty it. That’s why I’m a giver. The last thing I need is more offloading, vampires, users, fakers and very unstable in my space looking for love that they need to find within and can find within. That’s when my cup empties quickly. That’s where discernment comes in.

How can we keep a strong boundary as empaths and lovers?

  1. If you truly love the other person, you accept where they are on the Self-Love spectrum. Don’t rush in where angels fear to tread. Instead, observe their behavior. Are they intuitive with you as you are with them? Are they emotionally sensitive to you when you need a shoulder or a hug or just to talk? They can give to you if they give to their own Self. Also, how much do they talk about their family? Are they still enslaved by a toxic family and defined by their toxic projection onto them? This issue is epidemic. Reiki aligns it.
  2. Do you love your own body enough so that when you have sex, you don’t suck energy from the other person but just “share” who you are? If you truly love your body you will just enjoy each other’s bodies, you won’t feel the need to possess the other. The other person can feel it if you do that.
  3. Is your conversation and dynamic peaceful with the other person? Or are there feelings of tension, or one person does all the talking all the time while the other one listens. Do they ask you how YOU are or is it always about them?

Intuition comes into play here more than reason. Studies have shown that humans highly communicate through body language. Everybody has different feelings but it’s not others job to figure you out. It’s your job to figure you out and know how you feel. It’s called maturity and mindfulness. You are the one IN your relationship, other’s are not or should not be, so they are of no use coming to a decision, ultimately. Our friends can be a sounding board for our own feelings though. That’s what friends are for; not to tell you what to do in a relationship.

How do we define bonding?

  1. “I miss you when you’re not here.” You’re bonded
  2. ” I need you next to me in bed”. You’re bonded
  3. “I need to talk to you to feel secure.” You’re bonded
  4. “I want to be with you more or most of the time.” You’re bonded

The list can go on but it’s always, “I need”, “I want” like a child. As an adult, you are able to regulate feelings of need and want via your brain. If your brain isn’t regulating it, put boots on the ground again and get exercising, moving, eating healthy and drinking water. It’s that simple. Just do it and stop pondering it.

I think bonded is a misnomer. I’d say you’re latched on, like a baby breastfeeding on its mother or a small child getting the affirmation and attention that they need from their father. All of this is the subconscious mind repeating unresolved patterns with the birth parents. That’s the main problem in our society. We need to release subconscious programming and become adults in our conscious program that we design for ourselves.

Can women keep their feelings during sex and not bond? How?

Realize that your feelings are for yourself. The man is barely absorbing them or feeling them anyway because all he feels is your body. While it’s true that the body is your feelings and thoughts, being mentally aware of your feelings is a higher level of cognition that women have. Most men don’t have it. They haven’t evolved the skill of knowing how they feel past being hungry or horny. It’s unbelievable to women but it reminds me of Hermione in Harry Potter when she referred to Ron as having the emotional range of a teaspoon. And it’s unfair for women to expect most men to be any different. That’s like asking women not to have breasts. Of course, we have breasts. It’s natural.

I would say “Yes”, we can love one another without traditional bonding but it’s not realistic to expect others to be able to. 98% of humans bond to one another and thus we have all the problems that we do on earth. People follow each other instead of their inner knowing. I personally think we need to grow past that but I certainly don’t expect it. True unity happens when we are all naturally sitting in our center. The fact is, we’re already bonded with all of life in the physical as one big family of Life. Just relax into that instead of adding another layer of latching on.