Essay; The Attraction Has Set In


 

zooskTwo days after our date, on Sunday, the attraction and longing set in for both of us, at the same time. This is very common I know. I’ve been physically and emotionally attracted to a few men, not a bunch. It’s still this amazing mind trance. I worked really hard to observe myself this time and noticed that it’s no different than when I was sixteen and super attracted to my first boyfriend. What has changed over the years is “my type”.

I’ve also noted that who I rationally think I’m attracted to based on upbringing or social bias that I’m not completely conscious of is not who I end up being smitten by. This fella is white again. I have a definite bias against my own culture as you may see from my posts on here. In my value system, I adore the black culture, values, and its communities and arts and also find Hispanic men to be super foxy and value the same thing there. My last lover was a black man and I enjoyed his company very much. He went into the Marines.

But now, here I am, very turned on by a fiery, strong, smart, nice white man. I honestly would not have guessed. It feels like my body is doing it and as you know, I follow my body. So that caught me off guard. What we have happening now is “out of sight, out of mind” on his part, it seems. I could be wrong.

We both wanted to see each other last night; second date. I could not sleep and texted him, “I can’t sleep.” and he asked why. I did not say because I want you. I said, “I’m not sure.” We got into a chat and then he said, “Come to my house up here,” so he said it first! I said, “I want to.” But we both had to work the next day and it was too late at night and he was away up north some miles. Still, mutual desire and longing were confirmed. When I said, “No, I can wait. I have to work tomorrow and it’s late,” it went silent and I have not heard from him no matter what I say in a text. I call that the male drama. He’s suffering? Or…he’s back on Zoosk looking for temporary solace with someone else? He “has” to see me. Ok-what is THAT? Guys get like that. Women don’t. I don’t! I’m not emotionally needy of a man. I just feel his PULL SO strong and want to give him what he needs which is my body and physical presence because it makes me feel better too.

It reminds me of my son when he was little and he’d have to be ON MY BODY while I was talking on the phone. As a  mother, it made me feel better to let him. It feels like it’s pulling from my soul like we already know each other. I can put a stop to it though now that I’m older. The men pulling on us is really something! We usually give in because we know you need our energy. It’s when you start to get demanding or take it for granted that makes me irate. I haven’t felt that toward a man in a long while and I won’t again.

I’ve got this figured out about guys. They need the physical merge to seal the deal, to prove the haps, to make their feelings known, to circle their wagons, to make sure you know they dig you and so you can prove you dig them by giving them your sexual energy, as a woman. I absolutely know this. It is NOT the case for us as women. Nothing physical seals anything for us except maybe a ring, as Beyonce says. I hate this video. hahaha. Rings are fine for women who are reproducing.

Our radar or guydar, our inner voice, our male GPS says, “Go THIS way,” very strong and then we go. LOL. Our feelings seal the deal for us. And then our feelings turn into heart knowing and that turns into rational assessment so we are analyzing the whole deal from the beginning with men because we VERY strongly know which of you males we want to share our sexual energy with and who we do not. You need to respect this aspect of women. Most of us if not all of us are this way and usually we can’t explain it.

The mysterious thing for us is how certain men can steer us to them and “want us” and certain men are SO easy to ignore even though they pull on us. It must be their eyes and pheromones. With that, sure enough, he resembles my son’s father who I successfully reproduced with. He was Scottish-English and he died in 2015. But there might be something in my DNA, thus my brain that told me, “Go to him.” And now I totally want to go to him and likely I will. He’s not like my ex at all in terms of personality but there is something overwhelmingly familiar about him and super attractive. We’ll see.

Maybe what we receive from males is the opportunity to give our love, which we have so much of, to someone that truly needs it and wants it. Women really do have a lot to give and most of us need to love someone or something but that needs to include ourselves. It seems like they are the object of our attention (not women) and we’re the subject of everything.

Essay; I had a Zoosk Date


 

zoosk

I guess I’ll just see how many people read this to see if I should continue. I could even add my psychic impressions although that’s pretty personal for the other person.

It’s Saturday night and I’ve already gotten 49 views and messages combined on Zoosk that I don’t want because I already met someone I like. I’m proving that there are dating and libido after 50. I’m 55. That’s sunk in now. I’ve finally got it figured out that most of the men are waiting for the woman to show a real interest in them. She needs to perk up and show some sincere “something” or they won’t really chat you up. However, my fella did! Yes, I found someone I like after looking through hundreds of pics and reading profiles. It’s exhausting. No, no, no, no, no, as you click through. Cute, but no. Nice, but no. Hmmm, sexy, but no. Confident!, but no.

Luckily, I didn’t have to figure that out or act on it today because YESTERDAY, a really hot guy with fire in his eyes chatted me up and initiated. OMG. So, there again, I really noted it in my brain how his face made me feel. I was very attracted to his strength with a big heart that I could see in his eyes, and…a bit of grief. None of the other men had that in their eyes the way he did. They had other things in their eyes but nothing I was very interested in. Women understand. Even if a man is very fit, handsome, blah, blah, blah, he has to have that something that a woman can’t put their finger on that makes us sit up and say, “Who is he? Oh my.” And then, I couldn’t stop staring at his face. THEN, he was very emotionally brave, again that’s so hot, and said he wanted to get together and meet me tonight, had time, where did I want to go, and complimented the bejeebers out of me. Again, so hot. For all I know he’s acting. I hear guys do that. Well, he had it down.

I’m a little like a guy in that I don’t like talking or talking about myself, I’m not a typical girl that just speaks right up about what she wants and gets assertive. I’m not bitchy either. When I’m with a man I want him to lead because in every other aspect of my life I’m in charge, the opposite of fertile women who are paying the piper. I’m paid up.

I’m very soft. I am assertive in my own life on behalf of things that affect me. But chasing a guy? No way no how. I have no clue what to say to a guy. I’m realizing that could have hung me up all these years. I never wanted to chase a guy because I’ve never wanted to be married. Not at all. Is my Twin Flame in the back of my mind at this point? Yes. He’s always there and not talking to me. My intuition tells me he’s seeing someone else too. It’s like I don’t exist. So…I’m dating also. What’s good for the gander is good for the goose.

Well, he took care of that and initiated. Thank God! He was confident too and had his own business just like me. We met at a hip joint for a drink, it was very cool, close to my house and was a blast. When he saw me in the window from outside he sort of jumped and came right in and we had a big hug. We are about the same height but he is very trim and fit and younger than me. Still, I think all that was good. I felt like I knew him already. That’s a good sign. We talked and laughed, asked each other questions for two hours and then he had to go. He was headed up north to work on the house he’s building on 40 acres. We had another big hug goodnight and then I texted and thanked him for buying me a drink and he said he really enjoyed himself. We laughed really hard together. It was a riot. I think I may hear from him but who knows. Of course, being a brainwashed girl by our society the first thing I think is, “Maybe I’m too fat for him.” Every girl thinks that when she meets a guy. It’s nauseating. I actually really like my body now for the first time in a long time so I sort of doubt that.

The girl at the hostess stand came up to me after my date left and says, “Sooooo, how’d it go?” Girls do that with each other even if we’re strangers. lol. I said, “You saw how cute he was and how much we were laughing!” “Good job.” Oh my god. I actually had a date. I have no idea about the future nor am I worried. Que Cera, Cera. There are many fish in the sea and I’m fishing, even if I throw them back in. Yeah for me.