(I wrote this 2 years ago and I’ve come a long way since then realizing what the issues are. I believe the societal programming of men, expecting them to “man up” and be inhumane is hurting them and our whole society. It’s patriarchy and it’s oppressive for men too. The woman he’s with has to give him permission to express them or he won’t. Some women are very hard ass. Harder than men! )
There are too many on the roster for me to ignore this. I read a lot too, so it’s not as though I’m ignorant. Well, seriously…I know men have feelings. That’s very obvious and I’m good with that, unlike many women. It’s just as obvious as the fact that women have feelings. And I am sensitive to men’s feelings, as different than women’s and have a ton of experience with men expressing their feelings with me. I’m safe to do that with. That’s sort of the problem…maybe.
The Jekyll and Hyde thing, the fear of getting too close, or relying on a woman as your friend, or letting her help you with something she is strong in and you have no idea about; she does the same with you. Why can’t men rely on women the same way? Why is that so emotionally vulnerable for you but it’s not for us? Maybe you didn’t have a good sister? That’s how you pattern it in your brain?
As a woman, who has talked to a lot of women, if we get a red flag about a dude, we break it off, let it go, and have a fairly practical attitude about the lack of emotional affinity so we don’t usually cling, push away, cling, push away, kick and punch. That induces no sense of emotional security in a woman at all. And I’ve seen it way too much with men. I don’t see this behavior in women maybe because there’s no way a guy would tolerate that from a woman. I see and hear her making her mind up. She has a subjective sense of “the feel” of the guy and their emotions and the sexual affinity so her radar is on baby! If all that isn’t flowing, we’re not interested and don’t need to analyze it. Our body told us and that counts the most.
Now the objective part. Males tend to value or be, more objective to their everlasting detriment. You’re missing half of the picture. You thought you drank the whole glass, the other half is in there. You thought you took a full breath, you didn’t exhale. I’ll stop. The objective picture, which women can fully, competently, always, always, see, is just dumb to us. It’s never just that way. You can’t gain any accurate information in life or in relationships by only being objective any more than you can know what sex feels like by just standing outside of it and watching it.
Subjective means you are the subject, you’re in it, you’re living it, your senses, feelers, intuition, BODY (such a big truth for women) are in the situation and we’re talking UPLOAD of information into the computer. It computes, along with the easy, objective stuff. We know what’s going on when we’re next to our man but we will never, ever, understand why guys are so irrational and comatose when you’re next to a woman, or her breasts, that you love or care for. Just why?
The rational way to analyze and proceed in a relationship is to dip your toe in the water, smell each other, listen to each other’s voices, socialize, get your instincts going, eat together…and this only takes maybe a couple weeks or the total of five dates to have enough data to make the decision. Do I want to have sex with this guy and allow some emotional bonding or not? Whether women admit it or not, our brains are programmed to emotionally bond otherwise, I don’t think we can orgasm. It’s kind of obvious.
It is forever lost on me why men can’t be more rational about their feelings. Women have evolved to be objective and subjective. We tend to be balanced for the sake of our children. There are plenty of brilliant women that can do the math, science, tech, blah, blah, blah, blah, like it’s such a big deal. No…it’s not. It’s pretty easy for us. Dealing with you guys and not having to have our defenses up when you freak out over how you feel is what is not easy for us. Living with you is not easy for us. I don’t think I can do it anymore.
Please try to be more subjective, more empathic, more understanding of other people and women who are different than you. We are not men nor do we want to be nor do we need to follow you around doing guy stuff. We can balance being objective with being subjective and we ask the same of you.