Intimacy; How Do We Move From Lust to Love?


Do you know the difference between lust and love? I’ll go with the hard one first; Love. Love is when you want to take time to really know someone, to care about how they feel, what they need and what makes them tick. You want to be their friend. Friendship is the basis of all lasting, lusty, good relationships. It takes time and maturity to grow. Lust is everything else. Anything that’s not love is lust. Lust is the emotion behind most human interactions and has the face of greed, trolling on Facebook, offloading on strangers and the like. If you have no foundation of care and face-to-face friendship with someone you are indulging in instant gratification lust and there is nothing loving about it.

This issue has been challenging for me. I’m a very passionate, physical woman and have no problem lusting after men who are very attractive to me. I don’t act on it; it’s just fun. My personality and values are all about love. There isn’t really any other material thing I lust after; unless I’m really hungry. then I lust after food.

That’s a good segue because food hunger is almost exactly like sex hunger in the brain. And notice how many people overeat when they just need some love, affection, and sex. We’re looking for a serotonin spike and some other juicy brain chemicals that make us happy. I know I am. Food doesn’t come close to making me happy the way intimacy and love does. I don’t even like bothering to stop and fix food because I’m busy with my projects, writing, chores, things I love to do! Why do I have to stop and eat? I’ve always been like that. I’m not terribly fond of slowing down.

Now we see a problem here; denial of human need when you know it’s not likely to be easily fulfilled! I’ve been married three times to great men and had several great boyfriends. I’m still not satisfied. They weren’t perfect or didn’t satisfy me the way I really want to be. They didn’t make my brain and body explode with orgasmic happiness, although my last mate Michael came close. He loved me…really, really loved me and I loved him. Love is the sexiest thing going. Then he died suddenly. That’s not helping the situation. Love is definitely tragic.

It makes me wonder about eating disorders. If you take that denial of the need for love, warmth, and affection far enough it would make your brain or specifically, the hypothalamus gland stop craving food. So the emotion of lust would be good at this point versus the emotions around deprivation.

I’m not into deprivation at all but I am sorely afraid of loving a man, pulling him to me, and pushing him away because I need to be alone with my ideas, my mind, my life, my work, and my writing. I don’t want to hurt him. There has to be some intimacy and some time shared with your loved one or they will go away. I hate that.

broken_heart1I think I’ve stayed in lust mode in my brain because I’ve lost too many people I’ve loved. It’s like a car idling. My life isn’t idling but my feelings about bonding in a relationship are definitely idling. Maybe I’m stuck in lust gear because it’s emotionally safer. There is no risk of having your heart ripped out and stomped on the floor by death and life itself if you don’t go into love gear and really start driving.

 

Heartset; Wounded Men and the Women Who Take Control of Them Instead of Empowering Them


 

let it kill you.

I guess I thought I might be getting into a rut, defining myself by my work and my private practice but I’m now thinking it’s FAR more important that I focus on that than finding a new mate. I’m not lonely. I love sleeping alone and don’t wax nostalgic over a man stomping up and down my stairs and making noise and a mess in my home. I do like men as lovers (if they know what they’re doing) and friends though so that’s what I was using dating for. The purpose of dating is not for sex and hookups. Sex is no big deal and can be part of it but in no way does it define it, despite the man’s priorities.

But it’s a mess out there. Men are beaten down and have no self-confidence or knowledge to actually date a fine woman. They do hook-ups, sluttily, with women who will let them, risk STDs, decide which woman turns them on the most or reminds him of his ex the most, lets her chain him to a whipping post and hang out in her dog house and call it a relationship. If she looks good hanging on his arm that’s all he needs for his ego. If she gives good head he can tell his buddies at work about it and it’s even better. That’s the state of affairs out there. He doesn’t know what else to do and then she gets to own him at least for a while. It’s truly pitiful.

The princely men, or who I thought were princely men, are slipping through my fingers one by one because they feel they are toads and then act like toads picking up the trollop women. What do I mean? A negative attitude, negative posts on social media, foolish behavior like drinking and driving and driving in a car with someone who has open liquor, smoking, lying, stalking, name-calling, selfishness, promiscuity, and blame. Three of them now. Didn’t I see the red flags? Yes! And thus didn’t go very far with it. I didn’t fall in love. God no. But they all have good traits as well.

Other women who tolerate these men either take advantage of them and use them for sex and a distraction from their own lack of self-determination and intelligence or become their friends. Some of this could be the Pygmalion complex in reverse. Eliza Doolittle in “My Fair Lady” was taken in as a cockney trollop and turned into a princess by Professor Henry Higgins. These days, the beaten-down trollop could be Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle would take him in and help him out. Women are far more empowered now. Many men have lost everything, just like many women but the women have people skills so we bounce back better. We also tend to get custody of our children more due to the natural mother-child bond that fathers and their children do not have. Fathers can have a bond to their children but in no way does it compare to the mother and it never will.  I know that’s controversial. The tables are becoming even though.

Many men are very threatened by women who make more money than them, are smart, beautiful and successful. They may then find a woman similar to that who is kinder and more vulnerable and caring and take out his rage and usage on her. He’s a victim, by his own admission and the big, bad powerful woman did it to him. Someone has to pay the price and usually the nice women who are compassionate fall in the trap. She’s the scapegoat. There could be layers of dysfunction and pain on the part of the adult wallowing in said pain. They haven’t gotten help or therapy or taken care of themselves. Maybe there is a good reason that their ex doesn’t want them to have any custody of their children. This could be either the father or the mother. Many women have no business being parents either. There is no way for a civilian to know the situation. The courts and social workers scope it out.

What is the lesson here? Compassion for someone wallowing in physical pain and self-pity can bite you in the ass. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man feeling compassion for a woman who is down and out or a woman feeling compassion for a man who is down and out. They need to save themselves and pay whatever price they need to pay to get back on their feet. And most of all, if they call you a friend, friends don’t lie. Lying is the worst. That’s life.

Essay; Sexual Shaming of Men


 

man-in-doubt

I’ve been thinking about this issue for about a year now but it coalesced last night when I read a quite long, but well-thought-out blog post on this site that made light of how many women absorb shame from men when we have sex with them. Before that, we’re fine, happy with ourselves, like being a woman, and like our bodies. I think women are getting better at accepting our bodies as they are and the media is helping with that. I know I am. There are more women of all different sizes on T.V. and in all media. The SIZE SHAMING, no matter what size, has decreased. More women understand that it’s more important for us to love ourselves than to please a man.

But, reading her blog, I immediately related to the experience of being mystified as to why a man I was with would turn pornographic in his tone, talked about how hot I was, did the sweetie, beautiful “speak” and then wanted to get sexually nasty as opposed to sensuous and intimate. My assumption is it’s the testosterone and most women consider it normal. The last lover I had said, “Why do you have to be so seductive?” “Me? Seductive?” I’m a chipmunk! What was he talking about? I don’t think he was seeing who I was; he was seeing who he wanted and needed to see. He was projecting. Women are individuals not porn stars and it’s objectifying to treat us like we’re part of your MENTAL fantasy, not a person in front of you. But again, I’m not sure men can help it because of the shame they’re socialized with. Their minds are all cluttered up with objectifying materialism which makes them feel better. Their feelings are stimulated by things; women’s bodies, food, cars, houses, boats, and on and on. I’m not sure women understand this.

How much does that happen? Probably all the time. It’s men’s fantasy need of having a car or motorcycle that reminds them of a childhood toy that they loved. Then they imagined they were a superhero on that vehicle and some adult males still do it. They get a life-sized one and keep the fantasy going. It’s objectification that transfers over to sex with a woman. I suppose this underlies the barely clad woman advertising a car that is so nauseating to us.

It’s something to keep in mind that men probably watch a tremendous amount of porn because they can’t express their sexual feelings as much as they need to or the way they want to in our civilization that shames it. Most men are not relational, not romantic and don’t want to be yet many women need that to be turned on! If he acquiesced, he would be too much like a woman and he’s not a woman, he’s a man, which means he’s a part wild animal, part human. Not all men are of course but most of them are. It’s scary for some women like me when they turn wild animal. I guess other women like it.

I think that men project a lot onto women, as though it’s our issue, about how turned on they are by feeling ashamed, nasty, or mean. OR…is shame projected on to them from all sides FOR BEING male as though they are expected to be like that even if they are not? The writer I read didn’t say that in her blog or maybe she doesn’t understand it.  I think men get turned on by feeling repulsed. They’re attracted to women and things that are not nice and that are uncivilized and wild. It’s all that testosterone blasting through their brains that blows everything up. It’s the opposite of most women. I know some women are attracted to pain and ugliness, like a sadistic thing but it’s not terribly common. Still, I’m not judging it. Nevertheless, I am not that way.

It appears to me that everything in our civilization exists as it is to control men’s sexual nature and make things peaceable for women and children. Before, most of the time it was working. NOW, society seems to be tearing itself apart because men’s sexual nature is finally coming to the surface, there is more awareness of abuse of women and children, guns are everywhere which men love (you don’t see women using them in public much), we see incest, pedophilia, and sex trafficking at the highest levels of institutions, all the lies, and control about it are coming forward, the institutions don’t know exactly how to lie about it anymore. Men are victims of the system too otherwise they wouldn’t be victimizing those more vulnerable than them. It’s a trickle-down from the women and men in power who hold the system in place.

Civilization uses guilt, shame, control, incarceration, blaming women, sports, and the media all to LIE about men’s sexual nature. I guess we’re still working on a balance to our civilization as though it’s progressed from being in the wild. Sometimes I think it’s worse because it represses the true feelings and then they explode to the surface.

 

 

Heartset; We Can Get a Room…


puzzle-klimt-eventail-index

Most women suck it up even though they don’t want to right away. What if you haven’t met him yet? What if you’ve just talked long distance for a long time? I have to get a vibe in person with a guy. I freakin’ don’t get why guys don’t care about that! They should. I did in the past but I’m not doing it anymore because I deserve to be turned on the way I get turned on. The pleasure of sex is for women also.

I understand and respect the fact that men are ego invested about offering a hookup to a woman and she turns him down when she’s indicated before that she’s attracted to him. It’s a huge deal to a dude. Especially if you already know each other. On the other hand, if a guy just met you and asks for a hook-up he’s basically treating you like a free prostitute. That’s just disgusting. No.

Not doing a hookup with an egomaniac or your boss can get you fired if they want you! That’s how mad guys get. I’ve experienced it first hand. If they know you and you’ve both been flirting, they expect a “Yes” or I suppose they think you were teasing them. I think men take rejection harder than women do. I try not to be too hard on men that let me know they like me but the boundaries do have to be maintained and I have a history of maintaining them in the workplace and in my own office, to the frustration of quite a few men.

I don’t think most women are teasing. I believe we’re thinking, pondering, and checking, putting it through our intuitive radar because women know energy is exchanged as well as body fluids. That’s how we are with men if the woman has any self-respect. We’re in the laboratory of sexual attraction and IT IS NO EASY MATTER FOR US! We need you guys to accept that about us. I accept that it’s simpler for men and every woman knows that. Then you need to accept that it’s more complicated for us. The man’s value system should not dictate the situation and I challenge every woman to stick up for what she wants and what she’s comfortable with. At least have some of it your way. If he’s too pushy, he can walk.

I think a good compromise is three times alone together in person, at least, after you’ve known each other for months. I know that these days that sounds like a long time but, well, that’s just me. I’m sorry but unless there is emotional intimacy I’m not turned on.

Heartset; Can She Be a Human Being?


cropped-gold-tears-klimt.jpg

She is either the big, bad, controlling monster because she’s a strong, intelligent woman or little Cinderella princess needing the glass slipper put on her foot? Too many men are passive-aggressive about women I suppose because they don’t understand us. We’re neither of those two ends on a linear spectrum. I wonder if men are capable of interpreting relational ideas past duality?

Relating is more complicated than that. Don’t give me the “Men are simple creatures that just need a dog” crap. If you’re going to inflate your ego to the point if feigning vast intelligence, all the top jobs and Nobel Peace Prizes, all the power in public and most of the money and fire women from their position who won’t hook-up with you, then you need to uplevel your brains to friendship with the woman you’re fucking. Then we can share power in public.

Let’s face it. We live in a vampire whored society where everyone is brainwashed to give over their mind and body to marriage, family, church, employer, and state for some money crumbs and the fat cats keep the rest and wait for us to die. Then the funeral homes and cemetery and the rest of the death industry clean up after that. It affects how women and men relate to one another to be sure because we end up in survival mode not thrive mode. That’s not a garden of intimacy.

I’m not and most women are not a misandrist. I just don’t want to have to train my mate the way I train my child. It’s an insult to men and women. We just want the species to survive on the planet, we’re the ones that make, birth, and love the species, and you guys have had your chance for the last 10,000 years. This madness has to stop.

Heartset; A #Female #Intimacy Myth Revealed


There’s a myth I Rumi Water keep running into whenever I really like a man, we know each other and are friends, I’m attracted to him and want to have sex with him. His assumption is, given all of the desires I’ve listed above, I’ll fall in love with him or I am in love with him and want to put a leash around his neck or start a relationship. No, I don’t and it’s a bit insulting to assume women want or need to be hitched to a man or control him. We don’t. Women who want children are more that way for good reason but not me!

He assumes I will want to control him like a dog trainer. So wrong. So very, very wrong. I have my own life. I only control myself. I’m a cat you see. But if you suggest on a first date, “We can get a room,” Uhhh. No. Sex is not going to be the first date. If that’s what you want then you’ll get a woman that just lets her body and energy be eaten for a price or for free. Good luck with that. It’s chaos and she’s likely emotionally messed up as in “a sex addict.”

I’m starting to think it’s the other way around. If he has told me and continues to express that he likes me also, is attracted to me and also wants to have sex, he might fall in love with me, otherwise, we would meet-up. Why aren’t we meeting each other? He couldn’t hook me for sex with lying and saying he loved me as a friend. He obviously doesn’t. No integrity. He’s a user. I pose too much of a challenge.

At least I assumed it from the beginning. I let him run his game to see what he would do to get another notch on his bedpost. All lies.

Friendship and attraction are the basis of everything lasting. Possession and contracts kill it after you’ve had children. You don’t need it in middle age. Most couples break up after their kids are grown anyway. You get bored with each other as lovers and can just be friends. Sexual usage is jungle level not human level and shows a very low intelligence and low spirituality. No thanks.

The myth is that just because a woman has all of those things going on that I listed above that she’s in love with a guy. Nope. Nada. Huh-uh. Not the case.  Most women I know are very good at controlling their feelings and actually choosing them. We’re kind of expert at it for some reason, especially in middle age when there is no longer the motive of reproduction and the extreme lust that comes with reproductive hormones. Maybe we have a highly developed relationship between our amygdala and frontal cortex after fifty because we’ve learned a thing or two? We want real love and friendship, not just lust games, and personality compatibility, not just sex compatibility. Time to grow up.

I’m done. The karma machine is going to run ragged on this one. Good. I hate it when a man can’t emotionally deal with friendship and sex. It’s totally immature.

 

Everyday Intuition; Competition at Home


BOOK FINISHED-Everyday Intuition-COVER JPGI remember feeling viscerally competitive on different levels with my previous mates with whom I lived. A lot of that is caused by sex. It gets you all riled up and thus the testosterone levels go up, especially for women which is not the best hormone to have in big supply. We need to relax. I believe that when you live with someone their energy rubs off on you for good or ill. The same would be true of the people with whom you work. This is not something of which most people are conscious.

When humans get around each other they compete more than anything else. To that end, just this morning, I realized that now that I live alone I am absolutely relaxed and feel no competition whatsoever with anyone. I love it. It really suits me and I’m in no mood to contend, compete, fight, create drama, watch the drama, compare myself to other women, try to match power with a man, or seek a man’s attention who has no real interest or connection to me.

It’s a dream come true to start to feel like I’m safe to inhabit my body and be true to myself in my work and personal life. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It sure was hard getting to this point. Our world is completely vampiric, I’m here to tell you. Barely anyone is centered inside themselves and most people pull energy from outside of themselves from anything they can get their minds on. Not in my home, not in my office, and not with me.

Peace.

Heartset; Intimacy balances out by…


Pensive girl thinking in winter

For women, having sex. For men, talking.

That sounds ironic, doesn’t it?

If you already know each other, you’ve already been together, you’ve already communicated quite a bit, the way to bring intimacy equilibrium back to the relationship is instinctually in this manner.

It sounds odd because the assumption is men always want to have sex and women always want to talk but that is not the case all the time. Sex is super easy for men, with no feelings and no connection. Talking, bonding, getting to know a woman, becoming friends with her is not easy for him AT ALL. If he figures out that he digs her, likes talking to her and finds her hot, he is not going to want to have sex with her right away, especially if his habit has been to make her a notch in his bedpost. He’s going to want to talk. It means he’s starting to go deeper and mull over what she means to him. I do believe that this is a case of a man not going after what he wants quickly, especially if both parties are middle-aged. It’s the young men and women that move quickly.

Oh god. This drives me nuts! When a woman knows she’s attracted to a man, continues to be attracted to him, loves his voice, likes the way he thinks and agrees with much of what he does and says and generally digs him, she wants to fuck his brains out! Why make her wait?

Because it’s not a superficial sexual conquest anymore. He’s possibly serious about her. Especially if she didn’t bite at the outset when he offered superficial sex. I personally never bite when a man offers superficial sex, even if I’m attracted to him. I’m not letting just any man have my body and my energy and notch me. There has to be a connection or I’m not doing it. OR…there is a connection mentally and emotionally so I’m not doing it right away.

The other issue is, women know pretty quickly if not very quickly who she digs and who she doesn’t. We’re very astute at knowing our type and let him know. I did that with a friend of mine. We were headed for sex and I stopped it. Then he called me even more and wanted to talk even more. I really began to be mystified.

How is this going to play out? You’re both sure you have the hots for each other because you already said some hot things and meant it. You’ve both agreed you love each other as friends. You’ve both been friends, actively, with each other. You both call each other, text, stay in touch. You support each other’s work, actively. What the heck?

To be continued…

Prose; Wanting to Be Right


very cool lemniscate

Why do we want to be right all the time?

Why do I want to be right most of the time?

Why do I glee over saying, “See, I was right!”

Because we doubt ourselves too much so we are reassuring ourselves by saying it.

Because others who doubt themselves doubt us and say it!

Because others project their experience of being shunned for being or doing something that was wrong, onto us.

Because “if you make a mistake, you are forgiven”, isn’t widely practiced.

So, now I try to catch myself and say, “Lisa, do what you feel, study what you feel, write what you feel and use the best skill you’ve got. That’s all you can do.” I’ve got a lot of skill and I’ve paid the piper so I have no reason to doubt myself. Whether anyone will listen and understand has never proven to be plentiful. So what?

And now, when someone criticizes me harshly when I meant absolutely no harm and never do, I know that they have not forgiven themselves for being wrong or someone else has not forgiven them for being wrong or vice versa.

It closes the heart.

Wow, the feeling of being around someone with a closed heart and lots of conditions, or an open heart and few conditions, is night and day.