Essay; No Possession in Relationships


just because someone desires you.

I guess the saying on the left could apply to women and to men but women are quite a bit more pre-meditated in choosing which men to talk to and then sleep with. Our lust does not control our rationality, much to men’s dismay. Sometimes mine does but I’m working on curbing it now that I realize men fall in love easier than women do, even it’s just our breasts they’re in love with.

This is especially the case for women of reproductive age.  So mostly, this applies to women. Just because a man desires you doesn’t mean he values you. For men, this could say, “Just because a woman likes to talk to you doesn’t mean she values you or loves you.” If people are not possessions then relationships with them cannot be assessed like an insurance adjustor would assess the damage done to a car.

Loss Adjuster Inspecting Car Involved In AccidentI’m following up on my previous post “Bonding Instead of Possession”, and suggesting a compromise between men’s dualistic approach to relationships which is either promiscuity or possession. Analyzing a relationship is not akin to being an insurance claims adjustor. It’s a matter for your HEARTSET to assess the situation which entails your feelings and then use intuition since feelings only lead to intuition which is the higher mind. No one is called to act on, indulge, or hold on to their feelings. Feelings are supposed to lead to the movement of Mind and Heart so we can make informed choices. You can’t leave out Heart or Mind or it will fail. That’s the whole point of knowing your feelings and it’s not minor. The Intuition leads to the higher mind and the Rational leads to the lower mind. One is fast, one is slow. I didn’t figure that out, the scientists did, nor do I really like the situation but that seems to be the way the brain is laid out for now until we evolve differently.

Promiscuity or possession is an all or nothing approach, a decisive approach that actually is emotional, even passionate based on physical lust, need, and desire, not love. Why is it considered normal and acceptable for men to not want a relationship but not women? Many women, including me, like being single, but I like friendship, love, and sex but I don’t want to be in a relationship. I like my absolute freedom and need it. I also like monogamy but only if the man doesn’t go overboard. Can a man process all of that and accept that I don’t want to possess or control him and he can’t possess or control me?

So far, no.

 

 

Intimacy; Gray Area Between Relationship and Hookup?


I have to admit, if I’m not looking for a committed relationship with a man I don’t pay much attention to personality. I’m looking for attraction for sex or a lover. Men are no different with women.

Having touch and sex is a health issue. We all need it! I’m not throwing guilt in there but I do notice that the emotional detachment  with a man turns me off no matter how hot he is. I appreciate the beauty of a man though just as much as men do with women. Yet, it’s not even close to being like love.

Things get tricky when a man is your friend and you have things in common and have known each other for awhile. If he has a disposable hookup habit with women who are not friends how will he handle sex with a friend? Another notch only meaner? He gets double points for disposing of a female friend? Ultimately, she’s only a woman and nothing stops him from devouring as much as he can for free?

Being women, we do have the ability to make a man fall in love with us by loving him from the heart, talking to him and being irresistibly sexy even while we’re a free spirit and have no intention of having him on a hook. Personally I have no desire for a man around just as I have no pet in the house. I’m busy with the work I love. But I’m not sure I want the burden of a man in love with me to weigh me down.

I think you have to be ready to lose the friendship on the sex altar. It happens on the attraction and flirting altar too. That just ended one of my friendships. We didn’t even have sex but we may as well have because the energy and affection were there…then it left. It was his doing because he decided to hookup with someone else much easier to handle, blonder,and more tattooed likely with piercings in all the gross places. Lol. She was his level.

There is a gray area in there somewhere. I just haven’t found the sweet spot. Que sera sera.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Intimacy; You’re not necessarily in a relationship just because you have sex.


just friends

 

What I’m seeing men do is, instead of doing a series of hook-ups, they decide to be monogamous with one woman. Then the assumption is that is a relationship. No, it’s not; not if you don’t have feelings for one another. It’s just an ongoing hookup which is not a relationship.

You’re in a relationship if you have an ongoing friendship, you care about one another, and you hang out and go out, you love talking to one another, you help each other out sometimes and you eat together. That might include sex, it might not. It might be intermittent sex or not. The man or woman’s sexual behavior does not define the parameters of what a relationship is.

It’s time for women to step up and speak up! We need to accept that sexual communication IS a relationship to men and they don’t understand anything much deeper or how to go about it. Women understand emotions and bonding moreso and absolutely need to mix that in with the sex. But we still should not let the man say, “We had sex so you’re my territory.” Maybe you’re just dating. Sex is just part of dating.

Women are territorial sexually as well but my point is, the emotional friendship bond is what really creates an ongoing relationship; not sex. That should be perfectly obvious given how many people have hook-ups and it means nothing. For that matter, sex doesn’t define marriage either.

Prose; Getting Lost


orange desert flower

I loved that, as soon as I walked in the time-honored door, profusely late, you were concerned that I’d gotten lost, in trouble, or something else.

Melt.  Kiss.

Mmmmm.  That’s the good stuff.  I’m going there and staying in that sterling feeling.  It’s a crack memory in my brain.  No one can take it away.  I keep a pile of those in a festive drawer for a rainy day.

Prose; Skin


pick a tomato

The shell of a turtle, a carapace, guards your continuance of electric water, straight to your brain, pulls your vibration down in by degrees.

Your skin like a husk full of ridges on corn smells sweet,

hard to pull off at the bottom, tassles so soft on my face, the smell of earth.

Your arm was warm and pleasant as the first tomato of summer in my hungry hand.

Let me bite into that luscious fruit, so sweet and tangy

 or a mango stream of juice down my chin.

I’m distracted, clement smells from your back

Why are so sweet yet so smart and severe?

No end to touch makes my breathing peaceful.

I feel happy…oh god I’m doomed.

Indeed, it only lasted one day and you ripped your skin from me again.

At least you can’t take the memory from me.

Words can never erase actions like skin can never cover feelings.

 

Heartset; Social Media Shows Our Veneer


foggy-autumn

The veneer on a piece of furniture can appear in many ways.  It can be layers of paint, different color of stain, all of it possibly peeling.  There can even be gashes and dent to the wood underneath.

The wood underneath is the truth and it’s rarely seen. It’s the heart of the matter and how the piece of furniture looked at its founding; it’s construction done by the carpenter’s hand.  I love watching it progress, drinking in the smell of the wood.

When I look at any piece of furniture that has been stained or painted, I always wonder what the grain of the wood looks like underneath and what type of wood it is.  Then I wonder who built it, the year it was built and for whom.

All of our social media; Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, on and on, show only the veneer of humans. We are all projecting a public image that we want others to think is true. It’s the image that we are comfortable having others see. It is the truth regarding how we express ourselves verbally but it’s partial because we’re not in the room physically present with each other.  It serves to protect our deepest emotions and events of our lives from being too visible, too vulnerable as our bodies are visible. Maybe we are aligning with a group that “fixes” all that was wrong with our mother or father instead of aligning with our true selves in group settings.

I actually accept that about others. The reason being…underneath we are all innocent children that have had to learn to cope in certain family dynamics and fundamental societal expectations where most of the time, no one asked us what we wanted or how we felt. They just told us what we should do to fit in and be liked. Knowing and obeying those parameters helped us survive and maybe kept us alive. So we view that compromise as fundamentally good. But it’s not. It is surviving, not thriving. That’s how the veneer starts. Most of the veneer comes from religion, state schools, and our family.

It’s something to keep in mind when you communicate on social media. There is no way you’re getting an authentic picture of a person on any of those sites. We all cling to religions, political parties and value systems that we feel emotionally comfortable with culturally. That doesn’t mean that a person who is opposite of you doesn’t have a good heart or a stable mind. It’s amazing how convinced we can be of how right we are when we surround ourselves with people who agree with us.

It’s not about a group as right or wrong. It’s about caring to know who people really are underneath, listening, and being authentic ourselves. We’re called to love-not to judge…anyone…ever…for any reason.

 

Body; Do Men Do the Picking or Do Women?


Fall-Deep Autumn

Women do. First, she flirts with the man she wants and lets him unconsciously know she likes him, then he responds assuming he’s initiating the whole thing. He’s not. She did, but he’s not sure she did so he intends to find out. Don’t wait too long or she might change her mind. That happens too. I don’t like a guy who’s slow on the draw. I want to know you pick up cues quickly and want to make me happy. So many guys don’t anymore.

I post a lot on FB threads that comment about relationships and the nature of men and women. “Steve Harvey TV” posted, “Never let a man tell you twice that he doesn’t want you.”  The gist of what I responded with was, “It doesn’t really matter what men want. Men don’t really know what they want in relationships or even for dinner. Women are better at that. Women tend to be the ones that pick because she’s the one that bears the weight of reproduction and communication. She knows what her body needs in the event that she does get pregnant. It’s nature. Men are very good at other things but not at picking a woman.” Men are free to want what they want but it isn’t going to change much.

I’m not about insulting men. My goal is to help bring some balance between the genders and especially female empowerment. For the record, I know there are some very daft women out there who misuse their personal power, are tetched or abusive, or just have a mountain of work to do on themselves before they could ever pick the right man.  As nature goes, women are the leaders though.  Women are the “pickers” in relationships. Women need to steer how the relationship is going to go.  Women have evolved these social skills and we need to get better at asserting ourselves and getting better organized when it comes to picking a man. I was not very organized myself about picking a man in my youth because I wasn’t the least bit interested in marriage. I paid a price for that.

Know yourself. Know your body. Take care of yourself. Feel your sexual nature and enjoy it. Then make a list. Make a bulleted list of what your instincts and senses tell you to need in a mate…if you’re straight that is. Women that wait for a man to “want them” are left in the dust over and over because they aren’t taking charge. They start to blame men for being dogs when….yeah…straight men kind of are because for most men, that’s the level they’ve evolved to. Again, not all, but most. Do you want them to be gay? They are great communicators, love to talk and decorate, but no sex? I guess I’m assuming bonding, but these days, a lot of people don’t even want that. It’s bad for your health over time not to bond.

Straight men have other great qualities and I suggest straight women start to observe and notice them. For the record, I am absolutely cool with LGBTQ.  But there are a lot of straight men and women out there struggling too.

Strong men are looking for strong women. Shallow men are looking for shallow women. Dog type men are looking for bitches to train them. Cat type men are looking for a cat-type woman. Like attracts like. So work on yourself and be clear about what you want. You embody Love and nothing is more attractive to a man than a woman whose heart really adores and loves him. And in return, if he even halfway likes who he is, he will adore you in return.

Prose; Adoration Be Damned


pink roses
I’m stalking a case for spring in the autumn of my middle age.

My assembled energy is diametrically opposite that of needing the validation of an amassed group of imposters pretending to agree so they can drink together later.

It’s not that I don’t like the group, or that I don’t occasionally have a very dry martini, I just don’t viscerally need the group. They get exhumed energy from each other; even demand it threatening social castigation, as though there would be any real loss there.

I haven’t figured out how to affix myself to a rumbling male in my present condition.

In addition, my mephitic eighteen-year-old son will be moving out of the house soon to go on his way to sow his oats and beans. My peaceful environment is proliferating.

As I think back on the men/mates I’ve adored and who have adored me, as vain as that sounds, it was called love at the time and then it turned into territorial civil war and possessive jealousy.

I’m pretty sure that uncorked behavior is common and some couples like it that way but some don’t. I don’t.

It’s just that, in this new paradigm of sitting in my body and owning myself, that adoration doesn’t feel like it’s all it’s cracked up to be.

It feels as though I’ve forged an alliance with a fawning cat whose nursing by pushing its paws into my chest.

Maybe it’s just the mood I’m in.

When a man starts to adore me he wants to own me, my time, and my body, like a puppy!

That’s been my experience with every man I’ve been with except this last guy I dated. He left me in the dog house neglected, but at least he didn’t bug me. I know there are all the ideas about giving your mate the space they need, but then the real emotions of amorous desire creep in.

“I want you”, “I adore you”, “I need you”, “I love you”, “I miss you” becomes a medieval prison!

I used to think I wanted to be adored by a man with high self-esteem and all the pheromones I need to be turned on, but now I’m not so sure.

I love my life, my work, my friends, and my home. Maybe all of that adoration would be oppressive! I’d have to respond after all or that would be rude.

Heartset; Love, Affinity, Growth, Fun, & Destiny all needed for Intimacy


fall leaves

I have lost all of the mates I’ve had so much in common with; either through divorce or death equally. Neither of these things was within my control. We can control ourselves but you learn that you cannot control others. It’s one of the big lessons of mating and being intimate with someone.

Even if you are not visited by death or divorce, it takes more than having things in common to keep two people together. I believe love is the glue overall but love is not just a feeling. It’s more complicated than that.

It’s not very sexy is it…the word growth.  It sounds very serious to me. It doesn’t matter how it sounds though because it’s an inevitable part of life. Most of us like to have fun. Life is fraught with enough negative media, break-ups, death, groveling for money and headbanging over college exams and getting along with professors. It’s important to take breaks, go for walks, have some tea, dance, listen to music that makes you happy and want to move. I do all of those things to be happy in the midst of challenges, which will frankly, never end until we’re done with this life.

But there is another kind of growth. The kind where your heart is involved, reasonably so, but your mind assesses the situation and there is doubt. We make a very big deal in our culture about the agreement, affinity, and a meeting of the minds. We’ve all been in enough relationships to know that you are never going to agree 100% on everything when you are mated or in a close friendship. This is one of the biggest challenges in life and the one that precipitates the most growth for my soul.  It also causes the most angst. I think it’s sexy though because I’m a soulful woman.

Destiny plays a hand here. What lessons did you come to learn as a soul? What do you need to push through? Can you feel that certain people are good for you to be around and others are not? That is the case. “That’s NOT the kind of person I need to learn anything from!” If you can say that right away about someone, there ya have it! But with others, it’s not so simple.  You might not agree with them many times but you love them and you have no idea why. I think it’s a gift.

If you’ve ever loved someone who is very different from you or at a very different place in their life, it feels mysterious. I wonder why I’m drawn to that person. I really don’t have a lot in common but just some. Maybe we have things in common that we don’t even know about yet. But what is superficial? A political party, the past, and how much money we make as long as it’s enough to live or thrive as the case may be, style, culture.  So don’t discuss the superficial things then.

What is important is whether or not our hearts are open and we care for people. Do we have faith in something eternal or at least something bigger than ourselves? Do we take care of and love our bodies (health)? Do we abide by the law? Do we want to improve our minds? I would say these are foundational issues for intimacy. Then if something does end due to death or divorce, at least you had intimacy! That’s a good thing.

Essay; 10 Reasons It’s Hard For Smart Women To Find Love


1. They aren’t afraid to be by themselves.

Smart women know what they want and aren’t willing to settle for anything less. They know the importance of staying true to themselves and they also realize that sacrificing their needs for the sake of love with the wrong person will only cause resentment in the long run. They do not have to settle out of fear of being alone, or fear of social implications by others’ who do not understand a woman’s ability to be by herself and be happy.

2. They know what they want.

Every woman has a mental “checklist” of what they are looking for in a significant other. A smart woman’s checklist tends to be either longer or more specific than those who want a significant other, just to have a significant other. They know themselves and in turn, know what type of person they can and can’t be with.

3. They don’t need another person to facilitate their lifestyle.

The past portrays that women needed to go straight from their father’s house to their husband’s. In the modern world women no longer need another person to help them live on their own; they may have realized they prefer that alone time. Therefore, knowing that they will eventually have to share that space can be scary for an independent woman.

4. They have other commitments that take priority over dating.

Careers, friendships, family, extra-curricular pursuits, whatever it is that she has going on may not allow for as much time to date as it takes to find the right mate.

5. They are hyper-aware that relationships end and can let their knowledge of the past affect their future potential relationships.

They have a harder time “living in the moment” and do not want to waste their time; as time truly is a valuable asset to a smart woman. They need to know that there is a future and that their potential mate is on the same page.  Marriages, kids, finances, etc.

6. They know that attraction is only half the battle.

Physical attraction is an important aspect of finding love, but smart women understand that attraction is fleeting and can be altered once you see what is underneath.  While a woman’s hormones tend to make the first step towards finding love, smart women understand that it is the intimacy developed (and maintained) by both people that dictate whether or not a relationship can last.

7. They can be intimidating.

When a woman is intelligent she isn’t afraid to stand up and say what she thinks. This is a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow. Whether it’s because they don’t know how to react, or if it’s because they don’t feel they can live up to her expectations; either way, it can be somewhat intimidating for potential lovers and even friends.

8. They understand change.

They don’t pretend that they, and their partners, will be the same person years down the road. They want to grow and they have ambitions for their futures that will change who they are, and ultimately, what they want. Knowing this makes it harder for a woman to commit to a partner for a long period of time.

9. They have a vast understanding of modern dating practices and don’t necessarily like, nor agree, with them.

Dating is no longer a means of survival for women. As stated before, since we no longer need to be passed from father to husband as well as we have the capability to live alone – dating is truly meant to find a companion whom you love and want to share your life, interests, and future with.

10. They know not to trust their hearts with just anyone.

This reason is the culmination of all of the ways it is harder for smart women to find love. Deciding whether someone is worthy of an intelligent woman’s heart is not an easy task and we do not take it lightly. Intelligent women have to weigh the pro’s and con’s and decide if the risk of loving another person is worth the devastation that can occur if it doesn’t work out.