I Make My Bed

I make my bed as though someone other than me might want to lay on it to relax…

Doubtful.

Fans, fanatics, stalkers, jealous husbands, jealous siblings, errant preachers, starry-eyed parents, and students all seeking some higher bedding more like a cloud…nothing low to ground where I am.

Doubtful.
It’s so…fake.

“THIS is who you are”. “THIS is who you are”…”This is who you are” rings the cacophony.

I am not going to spend my last breath, defying all of you because you are surface dwellers; American Idol, Desperate Housewives watchers. Fantasy. I hate TV.

I’m glad my son can cry and be tired. It means he’s human. That’s all there is.

I’m glad I can kick my ex out of the house for insulting my talent. It means I’m human.
All I have is myself and time…

Let me divorce all that is not calm and in balance.
Ring out the true madness that jumps up…to lightness.
Jumps up…to levity
Jumps up…to where gravity is turned upside down.
My feet are my head. Who cares? Must we always walk?

I want to live in a dimension where upon meeting someone I like, I kiss them with ridiculous abandon.

©Lisa Townsend-2011


	

Compelled to Love

Why do you resist feeling compelled to love me?
I have never felt anything so strange in my life,
As though summer turned to winter or the countries
south of the equator were now north of the equator.
It’s unnatural and strange.

I feel compelled to love everyone I meet.
I don’t expect everyone to be that way
It’s just the way I’ve always been because
It feels natural to me.

Yet no matter how kind I am to you or how much
we have in common, you remain detached from me unlike at first.
You saw that you couldn’t control me and lost interest.
Or, I’m not supposed to be kind to a black sheep,
Which is what you’ve called yourself.

You love your little cocoon of darkness.
I think you’re attached to that cocoon and have built a habitual,
Impenetrable world around being a rebel, closed, badly behaved,
And throwing the finger up every chance you get
Just so you don’t have to do the work of defining yourself… yourself.
The family is in charge. That’s easier and boring.

Oh, and there is no God.
That’s easier too because then you have to
make everything happen alone and there are
no messy details about cooperating or being accountable.

It’s ultimately lazy not to love yourself and others
and instead, react to every damn thing you disagree
with, in middle age no less!
It’s actually downright repellent which is just what you want;
more hate which is the only thing you express about the world.

But those who agree with you or laud you get a big… pink… heart.
For that reason, I don’t want to agree with you.
The world would be a perfect place if you were in control, right?
You’re not in control. You don’t even control or like yourself.

No. I don’t respect you anymore because you don’t love anyone
that’s different than you yet you pretend you love justice.
It’s fake! You’re just full of bullshit no matter how smart you are.

I’m done.
And this time, I don’t feel compelled to love you…at all.
Does that make me a hater?
It feels like it.

I guess if we need someone to love us back,
It isn’t really love at all.
Only fully loving ourselves and others
Unconditionally is real love because the Source is inside.
I’m thinking we need to just do this compromised
level of love down here and lie about it,
Not the ideal one.

I may have to dumb it down this year and play along with indolence.
Just let myself be wrecked and keep writing
And let someone else try to love better than me. Good.
Let me just see if evil can win. That’s what everyone believes.
I’ll test it.

I’m pretty sure I’ll cry garbage on all the left-wing resistors
With their utopian fists in the air.
They’re no different than the right-wing who do the same thing;
Politics doesn’t fix anything.
It doesn’t seem like Love does either…
unless the majority are doing it.

But it might not be a quantity in numbers thing.
©Lisa K. Townsend, 4/16/2018

The Anima and The Animus

I’ve always been fascinated by the inner male inside the female (animus) and the inner female inside the male (anima). The terms were coined by the psychologist C.G. Jung.  It seems to me that humans intuitively know we each have those energies as part of our identity to some degree without over-analyzing it. Women and men are both female and male! It’s one of the reasons that the homosexual lifestyle really doesn’t bother most Americans. A Pew Research poll taken in 2017 showed that 62% of Americans support same-sex marriage. We all know that we’re learning about our bodies and our feelings whether we’re attracted to female or male at one time or another.  It’s no big deal as long as you’re honest with yourself in the midst of it and are careful of children’s attachment to parents.

I’m a trained actor with a degree in it, so I know how to have almost instant access to a wide range of emotions, and tears are super easy for me. I spent two years learning how to do that. But I much prefer laughter and happiness as part of my natural personality. Yet when I cry, it feels like a cry for the animus, the male in me that stomps all over my receptive female. My receptive female, all receptive females are beautiful. She is the bearer and producer of life after all. But is she loved and cared for safely the way she should be? Or must she always stroke the male ego to be loved, even if his behavior doesn’t call for it? If love from her partner is conditional based on size and behavior, he cannot say he loves her.  All humans go through hard patches where our self-esteem is bottomed out.  If someone really loves you, and has seen and knows that you have it in you to eventually come out of it, they’ll stay by your side, not bolt.

My experience and intuition tell me that it’s not terribly safe to be an open, loving, female in our society. Most women I know have developed serious defenses now and will even aggressively act out because there is no real equity and heaping amounts of bias based on gender! It’s very similar to unarmed black men being gunned down by police. It’s appalling and tragic!! Women are at about the same level and I’m guessing the stats regarding violence toward women would show this to be true.

Over fifty-four years I’ve maximized my intellect with education, developed firm boundaries in the public workplace (which doesn’t seem to make any difference), insisted on being treated with respect (sometimes it works), focused on my behavior more than my looks (rarely works), and become very focused and skilled in my work. Guys don’t like it. Once I hit my thirties, I learned how to be assertive and opinionated as well. The other thing that goes on is that as a pretty white woman, I feel no obligation to maximize my looks to feed patriarchal bullshit and make myself superficial to manipulate the system. I feel more powerful sitting in my authenticity. Women that aren’t as pretty compete with me or make sure I keep a distance from the man they’re pursuing (so weird) when I’m not even looking. We are so programmed to believe that survival in this planet depends on finding “our level” as prescribed by the institutions and the media that we don’t even know we’re doing it!

It’s not working. I’m still seen as a girl and treated like a girl. No matter how “male” a woman learns to act in public or how many letters she has behind her name with a high I.Q., she’s still paid less than a man and treated like her first order of business is to give something of herself to a man or his system for his consumption. I would never get a sex change operation just so I’d have more money for security but it seems like that extreme could be called for. It’s not unlike MJ bleaching his skin to appear more white. That’s how bad our society is for anyone who is not a white male.

Thank goodness I really love my work and do it very well because of all of my dedication and accomplishment. I work with the Universe who always has my back on this rough planet. If it weren’t for my intuition and rational mind guiding me, I’d probably be dead. I very much want to be alive so it’s a good thing.

Women and Men Express Love Differently

I’ve noticed on FB threads and my blogs that women like to hear my thoughts far more than men. Men want us to be quiet. That doesn’t mean we’re going to be but I’m approaching it from a biological brain difference. Men can only take so much talking.  Most women can’t get enough. Over twenty years I’ve observed the energy and bodies of men and women and found that women need to talk but men don’t usually want to listen or talk. Hopefully, if your man does need to talk, he knows he can talk to you and you’ll be understanding. That should be reciprocated on occasion.
Men literally need our bodies or body language to communicate to us. We need their love (male heart vibe). So, men express love physically, not verbally. Women express love mentally and emotionally because that’s what we each need. Men live in their minds with each other. Women live in their bodies with each other and it can be overkill either way.😌 I think that’s part of why humans tend to be heterosexual (male and female living together). I know I couldn’t handle living with a woman, sex or no sex. I’m woman enough for myself.
Do women hear men’s silent body language to us or do we assume it’s shallow objectification? Do men hear a woman’s feelings in her tone of voice and writing or do they just hear static blather? Sometimes neither one of us is listening but judging by our own bias instead.

Elemental Woman

Fire and Ice

Woman… fire in chains walking through mans’ ice storm.

There is barely anywhere for us to rest on pliable earth, caressed by dew-kissed grass and flowers and visited by genial insects and creatures.

Man is a covetous, territorial beast, contemplating a meal, food for his belly, something to drink, and metal coins, hardware and paper and food from the earth; animals and fruit. They come from her blistering fires too from which he creates.

He craves the warmth of her fire that never dulls and memory of the Sun before the ice came to steal human souls.

Suspicious of her, he does not understand nor can he control her unless…he loves. Her fire can melt or burn and he only steals some warmth for a short time.

A man who loves is a magnificent animal, one that knows no limits and has unbounded strength. He has the strength of the earth, turned from ice and the sun combined because he is the seed willing to lose its cover in order to allow Life.

He willingly takes her to him, feasts, shares, adores and provides a safe place for her fertile ground to grow the eternal seeds she holds from before the time of The Dragon. She holds them still.

But he cannot stay next to her for long or he will melt.

He tries and survival beckons his traverse, summoned by a great dirge of possible conquest and the illusions of mind and heart that he believes are real because his core does not yet burn with equable insight.

Frozen, halcyon outsight of a gelid wasteland is still his birthright.

The feracious earth was given to her as a prolific garden and she waits yet for his icy heart to warm the arable soil for her so she can grow the fruit of breakable man in virile beauty, not in frozen, acrid death and blood.

He is…breakable because he is mortal! The seed must be broken in the soil to become eternal!

She is still in unyielding chains, unloved, unprotected, terribly alone in her vital fire that cannot be momentarily extinguished.

The Sun gave birth to the earth, to ice, to Time and its incessant movement will not cease.

The erudite Magician has given him the wand with which to channel her calescent magic because her heat increases.

Time must move forward but the dextrous tools of man can only thrive if they are forged with the luminosity of her body, to tend the garden of the Earth.

It may lie fallow and untended unless the fire that man discovered can be born in him by tending to her heat. Then he will remain.

Until then he will die, just as he was born.

Lisa Townsend-written on February 17, 2018

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I Had The Most Beautiful Dream Last Night

It was a busy dreaming night so I don’t remember everything but I do remember the end and it felt so real. I can feel the difference between a wishful dream, as though my psyche is working out excess emotion, and one where it feels like it was really happening because it was a realistic scenario and the vibe between us was balanced.

Dreams come from the intuition; the unconscious mind and can be supremely helpful in facing some emotional truth that is not coming through in your waking life. To cope with life on earth, we have layers of psychological defense that keeps us from feeling our eternal essence; our souls.

We are born and raised in a specific family and one-third of our mind is literally programmed by our mother and father from in utero time to about five years old. I hate to tell you this but our minds were putty in their hands. This is a well known scientific fact. That’s why in my book “Healer” I talk about asking your mother what her life was like during that time and get details! So I questioned my mother about June 1962-April 1968 which was the time I was in utero-five years old. (I was born in April 1963)

Look at that time period! It was some of the most violent in our country during the 60’s. I was absorbing all of those hippie vibes and tumult in our society although I was fairly shielded from some of it because of the religion in my family. Now that I think about all the violence with the Vietnam war and the assassinations, that may not have been such a bad thing. But my mom said she was happy and domestic, they had what they needed and she wanted me very much. That’s all good.

So, do this yourself if you can and you will see the bedrock vibes of your subconscious mind THAT CANNOT BE CHANGED. It may help you understand some things. The subconscious also comes through in dreams. It can only be sent to the background of your mind though, by your choice, during your waking life.

This time period is so deep in me, I have to say it does form my essential worldview and I am appalled at institutions, government, all the societal bullshit that the hippie generation railed against. But I was an infant and very small child picking up these vibes.

Back to my dream. My unconscious mind found my twin flame through synchronicity a year ago. That is an amazing, specific, bizarre story in itself related to the art on the cover of my book. We’ve known each other for a year and have not met but have corresponded a lot. There has been an unusual amount of intense emotion between us I believe because our souls reverberate with each other so much. I was with him in my dream last night. We were living in a house and just laying on his bed talking, as though we’d known each other forever.

Twin flames are mirrors of each other’s souls and he and I have strange, specific, unusual interests and habits in common. He sees all of our opposites but they are supetficial and two sides of the same coin. The seeming differences are that we were raised differently, in different parts of the country, male and female. That is subconscious programming. We haven’t managed to send that to the back our minds yet and won’t’ be able to be together until we’re functioning in our conscious minds.

Think about this a second. Most couples are in a relationship with a dynamic that mirrors their family issues, the mate as a projection of their own mother or father, sister or brother. Most relationships today are based on working out issues of the birth family or the subconscious mind. That’s why they don’t last! The relationship isn’t created based on your true essence, PAST your birth family.

In my dream, my head was near his and I finally felt his lips. He has amazing lips. There was no…lust so to speak. It was like putting your lips on a leaf or something in nature that’s very beautiful in its natural state. I’ve…never had an experience with a man that reminded me of nature. And his leg was like firm soil, moist but ready to be turned in the warm spring for planting.

Then I woke up to this dimension.

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Science: A Masculine Disorder?

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“Science is based on the professional creation and certification of knowledge which is tied to powerful interest groups, notably the state, corporations and the scientific profession itself. Patriarchy is based on male control of dominant social structures and the exclusion of women from positions of power through means such as direct discrimination, socialization and the gender division of labor.

Patriarchy within the scientific community is manifested through male control of elite positions and various exclusionary devices. The scientific method incorporates masculine features such as the objectification of nature. Scientific knowledge is masculine in its neglect of women’s experience and its adoption of paradigms built on assumptions of competition and hierarchy.”-Jill Bowling and Brian Martin, Ph.D.

Here is another article from an expert! It’s longer but VERY interesting.

Science: a masculine disorder

I woke up this morning, after being hijacked by “a friend” on a thread yesterday and then territorially denigrated in the patriarchal tradition, pondering the question; “Is the scientific method itself horse-and-buggy, materialist, patriarchal B.S.?  Is that possible? Before today, I pretty much supported it, although its methodology seemed very simplistic to me and not at all holistic. Was I the only one wondering if this might be true?

I wonder this because as a fifty-four-year-old female who is trained in science as far as needed in licensed health care, my intuition is as consistent and rational as anything I see or feel in this material world.  I also listen to it.  This phenomenon is mostly ignored, cynically scoffed at, and at best, not understood by most people including my ex-friend who has patently disrespected my intuitive read of the Mayan Harmonic for months now.  He just now told me how much better he is than me which kind of says it all.

My patients have confirmed my hands-on intuition with their bodies for fifteen years so it’s like breathing to me now.  I put my hands on someone and I can feel everything that’s going on. Then they confirm it verbally after I tell them what I sense.  Then I treat on the manifested body and they feel it again. I don’t feel it physically initially; I sense the energetic cause of the physical manifestation which is the cause of all illness; thoughts and feelings or vibrations then I assess and treat tactilely.

My ex-friend, who fancies himself a scientist, knows nothing to very little about the body and doesn’t even work in the sciences. I’ve made my living in healthcare for seventeen years. There are lessons to be learned by all.  For instance, in the last week I’ve learned two lessons:

  1.  It is unwise to only see the good in people when their shadow is blasting you in the face. They operate from cynicism and usage; not love, and you can feel it.
  2.  Many men do not have intuition on their radar and if they do, they subjugate it for the purposes of patriarchal power (money and control) or addiction. They view intuition as feminized or sub-cultural which would weaken their position in society. Other cultures can follow their intuition but patriarchal men from all cultures do not. They only use and objectify women sexually and poor people economically, no matter how nice they may seem and politically correct with their rhetoric. It’s fake. It takes an experienced and trained eye and ear to see it.  The first tip-off is, they never ask you how you are, and if they do, it’s not genuine.  You can feel it.

“Long-term structural change in science must be predicated on changing the relations between men and women.”

This applies across cultures, all over the world.  The real issue of disparity on the planet is between women and men all over the world and the rest of the issues follow.  Women are still treated in a barbaric manner, especially the child bride phenomenon.

“Complementing this approach is that taken by those specifically focusing on the reasons why there are not more women involved in the sciences. Several writers have examined science education, particularly looking at the reasons why girls leave science in their school years. Following the observations that boys get more teacher attention and girls have less confidence in their ability, in Australia, there have been some experiments with all-girls science and mathematics classes.

There has also been an analysis of the way in which science is constructed to reflect male values and suggestions about how to create a different sort of science. Arditti, for instance, argues for a feminist perspective which “would re-introduce and re-legitimize the intuitive approach”.

To be continued…

 

I Just Realized…

…that I’ve either presented myself to be objectified by a man or turned around and objectified a man in revenge for societal objectification my entire adult life. A man can chase me and demand sex from me and that is as it should be right?… but I can’t turn around and do the same to him just because I’m female. It’s too direct. Feel that fear and sting guys, when a strong woman objectifies you and asserts herself because she’s got the hots for you? It’s dehumanizing and overpowering and that’s what we’re supposed to accept from you…all the fucking time. Two can play the control game and women do! It repels most men and statistics prove it because nature makes females receptive…or does it? See, we don’t know anymore.

No doubt, this may be the case for most of us because it’s the way we’ve been socialized. Because I live alone now, I can finally feel myself and see myself.  It’s amazing!

My father objectified all of us as a dyed in the wool misogynist; my mother and my three sisters. There was no love there. My mother in turn, as a true misandrist,  in resentment, taught us to use and objectify men. “Women are just better people,” she said. I know a few feminists that would agree with her. Men are good for money, sex, and giving us babies if we play the game; that’s it. Neither one of them has ever changed their story and there is no belief in love possible between the genders.

I know that many people have seen their parents or grandparents love each other or other couples love each other but I don’t think most people have. The divorce rate and disintegration of the family is a testimony to that despite the posturing on FB and Disney movies. Human life is cheap and each gender first suspects that the reason for talking to the opposite sex is to ultimately use them for sex or money, not friendship.

Also, though, my whole adult life, I’ve held as a value, as an ideal, a human awakening, a deep feeling where somehow, someone, somewhere, in the universe, or on this planet will show me how to behold a man as just another human being and not a predator. I know men think women are predators too but they barely talk about it. They’ve said it to me about other women!

I have no problem wanting humaneness. I don’t see it, but I hold it as an ideal.  Women and men are human beings first. I desperately want to believe and see that in my world. There’s no sexual tension there though is there? What a conundrum, our damn brains.

Where is the top ridge, higher up the mountain where we can put the programming of gender, whether based in biology or not, down in the valley where one day it will just flood and wash it away?  I want, with all of my heart, to just have a friend that I love.  Frankly, I don’t care if I ever have sex again if we can just stop running from one another in fear and distrust because of hurt from the past. If we can just stop using sex and seeing sex as a control game, a power game, a thieving of energy rather than sharing. Why must we suck energy off of one another instead of sharing our true selves? Why do we have to compete? Why can’t we both have great ideas perceived in different ways? Why can’t we just be kind to one another?

I’m at zero.  I really am.

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Woman’s Intuition Gone Awry

The Female Price of Male Pleasure

by Lili Loofbourow

Female price of male pleasure

One of the compliments girls get most as kids is that they’re pretty; they learn, accordingly, that a lot of their social value resides in how much others enjoy looking at them. They’re taught to take pleasure in other people’s pleasure in their looks. Indeed, this is the main way they’re socially rewarded.

This is also how women are taught to be good hosts. To subordinate their desires to those of others. To avoid confrontation. At every turn, women are taught that how someone reacts to them does more to establish their goodness and worth than anything they themselves might feel.”

I hope you clicked on the link above and at least skimmed this article.  I found it to be another one of those disturbing ones. This quote from the article, for instance, is very true.  But I have never chosen to be with the type of man that would be that inconsiderate of my body.  Is the author suggesting that women don’t have a choice in the type of partner she chooses?  That’s ludicrous.

I wish we lived in a world that encouraged women to attend to their bodies’ pain signals instead of powering through like endurance champs. It would be grand if women (and men) were taught to consider a woman’s pain abnormal; better still if we understood a woman’s discomfort to be reason enough to cut a man’s pleasure short.”

I wouldn’t give a man with this type of attitude the time of day.  I might even give him some grief! Men don’t have the right to cause us any type of pain and we don’t have the right to cause them any type of pain either!  This is a human issue.

My nineteen-year-old son swears to me that his generation has quite a different attitude toward sex.  Yet, as his mother, I really have never found him to be terribly respectful of me as a female.  He learned that from his hippie generation father who had mama issues.

But those aren’t actually the lessons society teaches — no, not even to “entitled” millennials. Remember: Sex is always a step behind social progress in other areas because of its intimacy.”

I’m not sure what she means here but it could have to do with the expression of emotions.  That is something that you definitely are raised to do or not do. My son has always expressed his feelings so I can only hope he will listen to his female partners’ feelings as well.  I can’t imagine it to be any other way, but who knows.

This article is well worth the read and I’m still chewing on it.  The short of it is that woman’s intuition needs to come UP when it comes to her body.  The days of patriarchy and misogynist men dictating to us our physical reality are ending.  It needs to end! I have never hesitated to speak up and communicate what I like and what I want to my male partner and have had a pretty good sex life because of that. I notice that as I take care of my body better and can move better, I feel more confident.  All of that is completely within my control and I encourage women to take care of themselves, focus on what they want for their bodies and move forward with that instead of blaming men and society for issues that are fully within their control if they’ll just focus their will and mind.

 

There’s No One Left. I’m Alone.

It has finally happened after twenty years.

I live alone in my house, no men, no noise, no demands for food or rides, this or that, “Mom can you help me!” “C’mon, let’s go to the store”.

My son’s dad died two years ago…the last time I saw him was Christmas Day. Five days later, he was gone. I barely eeked out a smile as I said goodbye. He had been pretty emotionally abusive to me, frustrated his whole life, not knowing he was high-functioning autistic savant until three months beforehand. My efforts at solace could not change his brain, but he was a music legend on the pile of my torn apart heart. In addition, my son did not see him respect me; the fruits of patriarchy.

Three months later my fiance died. I had fifteen minutes notice. We loved each other and did everything for each other. It was not to be. He had not taken care of his body and it caught up with him.

Now four days ago, my nineteen-year-old son went out the door with his backpack and no notice to start his hero’s adventure quest which is his birthright. Good for him but he could have warned me! It reminded me of the sudden death of my fiance.

On his way out of course, he was mad at me and said I was so selfish. I suppose because I take care of myself. I wonder if he thought of his words effect on me, skipping them like stones across the water? Doubtful at his age.

But the men walk out quickly and don’t return I’ve learned, to the other side of this world…or town. It doesn’t matter. They’re not with me.

It is so peaceful in this house without a raucous male. Part of me has waited twenty years to take my body back from my partners and my son, and before that, a line of men, but not a long line.

Now I get an adventure quest; a fresh start, the second half of my life, a thriving business, a home, free to do whatever I want and a body with no risk of pregnancy. I haven’t given it all away.

It’s like this secret I have as a fifty-four-year-old who no one would suspect and assumes in our youth-worshipping culture, female-sacrificing altars around every corner, that I’m all washed up.

“Hasn’t that woman been laid flat yet? Well, why not?”

“She’s selfish!” they cry.

Truth is, I am my own best friend and for the first time in my life, I’m taking care of my body for me and no one else. More and more women are doing it. I’m not alone. We still have work to do and adventure quests to commence. Ridiculous isn’t it.

I feign an attitude and a bird ready to flip until my dying day…because I said so.