Male Sexual Fantasy…that’s how you bond?


 

you've got to be kidding meMore information is hitting me today via my intuition about certain men I know and their behavior. I’ve been trying to figure out how men’s minds work for years now and never gave it much thought when I was younger and had no brothers so now I’m playing catch up. I know you’re more simple than us and I don’t need the lecture that I’m over-thinking.

There are two local men I know (in my town) that I’m sure are in love with me to whom I have zero interest or attraction. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m pretty sure guys are the same way. Some women get your motor running, other’s don’t, even if you “try” to give them a chance. These two men are like a dog with a bone simply based on the fact that several years ago I was nice or warm to both of them. (Please refer to my blog post “Warmth from a woman doesn’t mean she’s attracted to you.”). Also, the attraction over social media or the phone is absolutely bizarre to me. You can’t know any truth that way. Again, it’s just for male fantasy gratification and does nothing for the woman. But that doesn’t matter, does it? Just know that if you don’t actually meet a woman, she will drop you like a hot potato fairly quickly.

So, as I was eating my salad and soda crackers just now it hit me. Men’s minds are based on the fantasy of a woman he’s met or has talked to, not fact. Men’s minds form emotional, sexual fantasies based on projection and his own weaving of fantasy that he wants to believe. He also will project his own image via social media and when you meet him, he won’t necessarily look that way. That’s happened to me too. It’s not that we’re biased about the way you look, it’s that you lied and misled us. That’s going to get you in a heap of trouble guys.

I and every woman I know, are very rational about relationships and men. We look for certain hygiene, clothing, behavior, and financial facts, communication that absolutely tell us whether to let our motor run for you or not. We can control all of that. Yes, we do control all of that, like we’re shopping. I’m not saying that smell, pheromones, looks and such aren’t involved because they are at a very primal level. So yes, women say, “God he has a perfect booty.” and get all lusty, or “He’s super sweet and smart” but not the way men do. Every woman is different but it is never based on GQ crap…ever. However, if his tone of voice with us or the way he acts is vile, that fine booty counts for nothing, nada, zip, zero. We fall in love with the person and the potential for bonding, not your body. That’s how our brains work.

Why is that? Because our arousal is based on your vibe, whether you know us or not, whether you want to know us or not, our feelings, our relationship. You’re falling asleep already reading this and because of that, more women are going to be celibate. We can do that too.

graceful-girl-smilingDo you know how easy this face is to fake for women? More women have just given in to a man’s lust who cannot stop staring at and fantasizing about our breasts or pussy and cannot focus or hold a conversation. We’re like, “For god’s sake, listen to me.” No, you can’t listen to us if you’re staring at our lips or crotch and we know it.  and motivation, Millions of women make quite a bit of money taking advantage of men’s lack of sophistication when it comes to human relationship mostly through prostitution. You’ve set yourselves up! Improve your intelligence and this won’t happen.

So, you guys are completely irrational about any prospects of truly arousing us or knowing us or bonding because relationships aren’t even on your radar. Or to be fair, maybe you don’t “have” the radar. I am trying to be fair. I don’t think relationship and understanding female behavior is in your wiring and I’m done being mad about it. It’s simple. We need love, affection, and kindness in addition to sex.

This is tragic for women who then fake orgasm or does whatever we have to do for ourselves to enjoy our bodies because our culture has men completely brainwashed to believe that your penis is everything and all we need. That is SO wrong it isn’t even funny. I’ve been with men of all different “sizes”, body size and all the other pieces and it has not mattered one iota whether I was turned on or not. There are specific things that do matter but that’s for another blog. Every woman is different! And what is worse is there are millions of women out there who have given up and just let the man’s fantasies and his penis focus control her love life believing that you will NEVER be astute enough to get our sexuality and how we love.

I have not given up hope yet, but applying some rational fact and getting a handle on those sexual fantasy feelings will be a big step forward.

I welcome any questions. If you think I’m off on something, feel free to call me out but do so in a civil manner, please. I don’t have all the answers and I know I’m not always right.

 

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What is Connection?


A connection is an affinity, an ease of communication, an understanding of another person, a desire to get to know someone better, the real possibility of a lasting friendship, and for women, respect. For men, it’s a huge turn-off to contemplate respecting a woman although most won’t admit it.

A connection does not denote love, being in love, physical attraction, desire for sex, desire to get married, desire to live with you, dreaming of a future, desire for a boyfriend, an attempt to control the other person, or dependency. Just because a guy feels a connection to a woman he really…should not freak out in fear that she’s going to control him with her feminine ways and make him give her babies. Or, post-reproduction, make him grow up and face and express his feelings. Most of us are too busy to try to control you. We ask that you organize yourselves. That’s usually asking too much though.

Interdependent connection between a woman and a man means you each have your own lives, take responsibility for knowing and expressing how you feel, making your own physical appointments, have boundaries that you agree on for privacy, but depend on each other for whatever you’re comfortable with which is usually quite a bit; affection, sex, sharing food duties, household chores, and child and pet care. Personally, though, I think couples need to have their own money and manage it themselves but sometimes merging it makes a bigger pile obviously. However, spending priorities can cause a divorce so, in that case, keep it separate.

I happened to be sitting next to a guy at a bar several months ago and he got a text from a woman he’d been dating. He told me she was really hot (like I need to know that. He wanted me to know that). She had just texted that she was willing to help him decorate his new place. He complained to me that that was intrusive and overcontrolling of her. I just shook my head. Men. You overinterpret us just being nice, way too much. We just like to do girly stuff.

You also make an awful lot of dumb assumptions about our sexual prowess and skill based on our body shape and size. That’s like assuming an orange that’s bigger than the other ones won’t taste as good pulling it off the tree when it truth, it will likely be sweeter and juicier! Your loss dude. Think through stuff more. A smart woman in life is a smart woman in bed, no matter her size. And if she’s smart, she’ll be detached in her feelings and won’t necessarily want you to stay. We independent types like the whole bed to ourselves. You’re programmed to prefer thin women and that’s just dumb.

Another guy I sat next to one time pointed out a large-sized waitress and said, “She looks good to me. It makes me hungry looking at her.” I’m thinking, “Does he see her as a roast chicken and potatoes or a human being?” I mean really! It would have been funny if it wasn’t so stupid! Again, I shook my head.

Women have given up on all of that. A simple connection means you guys stay calm enough, nixing the drama and fear, that we can have your short attention span for maybe ten minutes? Most women won’t settle for that anymore and many women are just going to women; lesbianism. The only women left who want you will be women that want babies and that will be all they want from you if that’s the only skill you’ve developed. But if you flirt, don’t lie about it and act like you haven’t. All guys flirt even just to see how far he can get, even if he doesn’t mean it. But if you flirt, and we flirt back, you better deliver dude.

Most women are independent, not dependent. Women “act” dependent for your ego. That’s it. Most women have an education and know they need to have their own money because let’s face it; most of the time you use your money to try to control us and then die or walk out and we would have no money. No woman wants to be controlled and penniless. There’s no room for love to grow there and no security for us. All women want love before anything else but many women have compromised for so long, not having the connection and affection they need that they’re out of touch with their body. Just sex is just the worst for us. It’s Mcdrive-thru Sex. Horrid. It also tells us you aren’t very bright. Only dogs just fuck and eat fast food for God’s sake.

I’ve known more than one man who I had friendship and affinity with and flirting, run the other way because I returned it. I’m mystified. We’re not supposed to like you back or you split? Are we just supposed to stand there, bask in it, and look pretty, never say anything smart and let you control every aspect of the relationship to your comfort level because you’re so insecure? That’s the only way you’ll come back or stick around? Oh well then, see ya!

Woman on a mountain

 

 

 

Beauty Bias


“You can’t judge a book by its cover,” my Dad said as he was backing out of the driveway of Grandma’s house (his mother). I remember sitting in the backseat of our old Buick in the 70’s as a little girl and this is one of the few things my father said off the cuff that sank into my little brain like a brick floating to the bottom of the lake.  Aren’t those odd moments when your mind picks up what someone teaches you and for some nebulous reason, you never forget it! While it’s happening, you can feel how heavy and solid their words are and you have no idea why.

For God’s sake, as an adult, I realize that so much of my father’s values didn’t square with his behavior, but sometimes it did. Is that incongruity, that double-dipping into our own psyche just part of being human?  He lusted after Barbara Eden right in front of us as children but we always thought it was funny because Mom looked very much like her, so that was ok.  He always paid the bills and went to work, ran for public office and attended church three times a week, but the hypocrisy was generally there in other ways.

This post isn’t about my father, but he and my mother both instilled in me, actually by a good example, that life was not about looks or climbing a social ladder and neither of them did it either. Sure, there were family secrets, but on this score, they rated high. They really taught me not to objectify myself, even though I was very pretty and talented from a young age.  Mom did some anyway, but Dad countered it, maybe as a kind of competition with her and his freedom training won the day with me. My mom did not get her way.

I recently just heard about beauty bias. That may sound lame but I don’t pay much attention to or take seriously, how people look. I take care of myself, have lost weight, and naturally look 40 even though I’m 55. I’m not trying to. I just live healthily. Now I am seriously treated differently by men and women. The men are coming after me more, even the ones in their twenties and the women are competing with me or maybe jealous and treating me worse.  They’re going to have a hard time hating me though because I’ve been to hell and back with men I love dying. Their pity and sympathy may counter their jealousy for a bit longer. I’m sure their conscience will twist and knot around them if they start to go into that dark tunnel. I’m so aware of how the percentages change based on social expectation. “Why is she doing so well when she’s been through what no normal person goes through?” , must be the question ringing in their heads.  I think it’s hilarious. Because they don’t have an answer, I’m treated a bit like a leper, a miscreant, a freak.

This post isn’t about them either. Beauty and intelligence bias which is seriously real and has been well-documented is repugnant to me and seriously foisted on those of us that have a plethora of both like a millstone around our necks. It’s just more superficial garbage from a culture that knows no bounds to objectification. My value system and my heart seriously care about most human beings and sees the world through spiritual eyes…because I want to; because I can. I haven’t absorbed the values of our larger society or our world. As my alcoholic sister say’s to me, “You’re a freak! Maybe she’s right which means I’m also a selfish bitch by her estimation. Never mind her. I know I’m neither of those things and I do love myself and the life I’ve chosen. The woman was born hating herself and her life and learned very little during the time she’s been given. There is no way my parents could have treated her worse than she’s treated herself and others.

This post isn’t about her either. It’s just amazing the masks we all have to wear to explain these outside layers. How does anyone really know who we are, including ourselves? Writers know that the books we write ARE judged by their covers and we’re told to spend plenty of time and money picking it out. It’s the magnet for people to buy the book. But how many people actually read the book? Maybe they just look at the cover.

My book is about how beauty bias objectification from men toward me has ruined every job I’ve ever been in and slowed down my progress to be taken seriously for my skill, ideas, and intelligence. I don’t think I’ll ever be healed from that shit until I’m dead but I’m sure not going to stop talking or writing even though people’s brains can barely listen to a word I, or others like me, say.