Relationship Anarchy & Monogamy

It seems that there is no logical contradiction in romantically loving two people at the same time. But the issue here is psychological, as it generates profound emotional dissonance. (If you invest yourself which women do by nature).

The dissonance stems from the fact that by definition, emotions demand partiality, that is, the preference of one person over another, which entails some sort of exclusivity. Partiality for a certain man or woman is a function of nature for the purpose of beneficial reproduction and it always has been. Pheremones control the process and generally, women do the picking since we are the soil that grows the baby and the seed. The male sperm is fertilizer which may account for the lack of bond and his lack of emotion tied to sex or any physical body. I don’t know. Women’s bodies know everything, are emotional and do bond and nurture. It’s crazy being a woman. We’re like walking magic without even trying.

Emotionally, it is extremely painful to imagine your lover in the arms of another person. Indeed, most of those who told of being romantically in love with two people at the same time and pleased with the experience also claimed that they would not like to be at the other end of the relationship; that is, they would find it enormously difficult, if not impossible, to share their beloved with someone else.

The deeper problem, however, does not concern normative values, as seen in heteronormativity and amatonormativity but rather emotional ones. It can’t really be completely intellectualized. Even if this process of relaxing of moral norms continues, and there is no reason why it shouldn’t, a major problem remains: the partiality that colors our emotional system, and in particular jealousy, fear, humiliation, and sorrow which are associated with realizing that your beloved partner is in love with someone else. These are million-year-old brain functions brought on by hormones for our survival!

How can you not be partial toward someone you bond your soul (body and mind) to? Answer; You don’t bond. If that continues, the foundation of society, the family within a community, unravels.

But if you are a unique individual, then you must only bind your soul to another unique individual to which you are in affinity. Because you are individual, it can only ever be partial because you largely belong to yourself, is my thought. What of that?

Pardon my bluntness here, but I believe that in essence, wives are patriarchal fuck girls that serve as a status trophy for a man. The king in his castle. “This is the fuck girl (wife) that will bear my children says the fuckboy. It doesn’t mean that I don’t want the delight of other pussies that I call friends”. And millions of men feel entitled to just that… while they’re married…secretly. No love, no bond. But the fact that they married shields them from the truth. They “appear” to be bonded in monogamy which is a sign of emotional maturity, as long as they don’t get caught being immature and indulgent.

Post-fertility, I have no idea what my function is to a man. It’s not going to be a nurse to his lack of health. I do know that a woman, absent the fear of getting pregnant and remaining sexual and healthy could turn the world on its head. It could be considered a woman’s prime and make all the young perky girls ruffle in competition. I guess that’s a cougar. It’s tempting.

But what about bonding? When are men going to feel a compulsion and obligation to love and bond as much as women?

I don’t know. I just know that sex is meaningless and jungle level without it. I’m not interested.

False Equivalencies of Gender

My intuition came on strong today regarding a remedy for what is perceived now in the media as immense gender disparity, women as the victims, and a desire for justice.

Matriarchy and Patriarchy, operating our human societies for the last 10,000 years have set up false equivalencies of power. The actual behaviors on the part of men and women, in terms of physical, sexual behavior is entirely NATURAL. What is not natural now is our civilization. Staring at our screens and not talking or touching one another is indicative of that! Our healthcare system is indicative of that also. Nothing about our body awareness, perception, and flow are in accord with the natural cycles and rhythms of nature.  It’s affected our sexual behavior as women and men, of course, as the first line of physical behavior since that is mainly what we are; sexual animals. Our civilization has taught us, via State and Church to not be sexual animals anymore, or follow nature, and that it should all be controlled and repressed. Sexual behavior and all of nature is actually a beautiful thing; not to be avoided but to be feasted on! Wow is the repression of beauty and enjoyment a profit boon for the porn industry; bottom line.  And why does pornography need to be only seen as violent?  Some of it is violent, much of it is not.

We see events now, all over the world really, trying to bring a measure of SHARED power not based on gender. We see it in Saudi Arabia, Europe, Africa, and the U.S. but we keep banging the drum of gender as a procrastination really, mostly on the part of women, to, at last, release matriarchal dominance (the Democrats) that subjugated and insulted men in the past while we abused our power over them.

We need to finally acknowledge that men can take care of themselves as grown-ups and need to rectify their adolescent behaviors (the Pubs), that we can each take care of ourselves, and neither women or men need to throw themselves on the sacrificial pyre of STATE or CHURCH forcing its values onto the family.

Those two institutions use gender war to take both of our power. Let’s support one another, be kind and loving to one another and acknowledge our unique power as individuals. Our strength is in each other, NOT in institutions, tech, political parties, and a money system that supports militarism and gender disparity at each others expense.

Woman’s Intuition

I don’t know if living with a male ages a woman or not living with a male ages a woman.  It depends right?  I’m not suggesting that men don’t have intuition.  My empirical observation is that women are just more experienced with intuition and more accepting of it than men are.  It’s more of a fact of nature to me than anything.  Maybe we’ve evolved the trait over time. Nevertheless, my radar was on last night.

I had a date last night for the first time in a year; with a man.  The synchronicity about it was, the same day, I had been contacted by the fellow I had last dated ten months ago and had been fairly traumatized by actually. That’s a long story and I don’t think that there is ever one person responsible for the trouble in a relationship, but I have more scruples than he does; for sure. His call was trying to create a pretext for seeing me again by pretending he cared about my book when I didn’t even ask him for help (he’s an editor). The short of it is, I called him out on the emotional mess he left of “he and I” and told him “bon voyage” even though he doesn’t really have the guts to move out west by himself as he said he would back in October, which he used as an earlier excuse not to see me anymore. Or maybe, since today is his birthday, he thought I would be schmuck enough to make him a birthday pie as I did last year.  Not a chance in hell buddy.

I’m not sure if my scruples are a problem or not when I have a lover. I feel like it makes me “unbedable” in a way because I value love. I’m not a prude by any stretch of the imagination.  I just like love and bonding, not hookups and this last fellow was the one responsible for taking it too fast. He was like a wild monkey. That would be hot if he also cared about me but because he didn’t, he pissed me off. I’m an intelligent human being with a heart and mind not a chimp in the jungle. Sex alone does nothing for me.  I digress. He’s done for.

Maybe I’m somewhat old-fashioned, but telling the truth would be good for starters. His profile said that he was 50 years old. Since we were in a Chinese restaurant looking at the placemat with Chinese animals per year of birth, I asked him what year he was born. The answer, “1961”.  The dude was 56. I need to date a younger man, like 45-54 because of my attitude and look.  Two doctors in the last two months said they thought I was forty so I’m not in denial like some women, and I take care of myself, and don’t smoke or drink too much. Both of those ages a person.

He kept projecting all of these character defects onto me on our first date.  It was truly repulsive. Harvey Weinstein’s face kept flashing in front of me.  I told him the Kung Pao Shrimp was very salty to my taste but the flavor was good. When I didn’t tell the waiter that but said it was fine because I don’t care if the waiter knows or not, he chided me, “You need to tell the truth!” Really dude?  Who was your last woman?  A criminal?

I don’t eat much salt and Chinese restaurants are notorious for salt so it’s not like the restaurant did anything out of character. I’m not going to bother with it. But the first thing out of his mouth was remembering how proud I was of my work when he offloaded about his body to me in a previous phone call. Boy did that piss him off. Apparently, it pissed me off that he decided to go get a spa massage after I spent a half hour listening to and talking to him about his back and how my manual therapy work could help him. He wasted my time. The convo. ended by him saying, “I’ll just go see a massage therapist.” I’d forgotten about it until last night, so apparently, the purpose of the date was for him to throw his resentment and offload to my face.  Then he very proudly asked the waiter to split the bill. It was abusive.

So here we are in 2017, where a kindly, very intelligent very skilled, cute single woman is being herself, namely me, and a guy who has been divorced by the mother of his three children who has obviously failed miserably in some arena is going to take it out on his dates instead of fixing his mess. I posted this before, but there is something emotionally wrong with guys. I think he’s going to die old and alone because of his ego. He can think he’s a catch, and he said as much, but by his behavior, is anything BUT a catch. Talk is cheap guys. Deeds over words. We hardly spent any time together and he was a major jerk.  I will be sure to call him on it.

Mind you, his online profile was sparkling. My intuition told me to stand him up just from the tone of his texts. I didn’t think he would show up. So, I let him show up first, he texted me he wanted me to come, so I went. I should have listened to my intuition.  He was a class A jerk, but cute.  I don’t care about cute when the heart is cold. A cold heart is misogyny and I suggest you get your heart healed and fix your behavior before you date a woman who is not a hookup.

Oh, and he would have rather we met in a bar but didn’t say that beforehand.  Spare me.

Turning Point; Shift

Molecules of Emotion cover

Highly toxic chemotherapeutic drugs developed in the 1950’s kill ALL rapidly dividing cells in the body, which means not only cancer cells but many kinds of healthy cells as well” p.153

Chemotherapy, as a treatment for cancer, is counterintuitive then.  Is it legal for me to say that?  The above quote is from a Ph.D. neuroscientist who worked at the National Institutes of Health.

I intuitively knew my father wasn’t going to make it.”-Candace Pert, p.158

It was at this juncture in the episode that I found myself at an NIH lunch table, sitting opposite my onetime collaborator, verbally wrestling with him over control of the research. As the power boy sat across from me making demands, I was in no position to mount an effective defense, nor did I want to.  In tough tones, he told me that he’d prefer to cut me out altogether, and deal only with Terry. This was his arena, he told me, in no uncertain terms, and I needed to understand that. After all, he was the chief, and if I was a good girl, maybe I would be considered for the position of research associate on future projects.”-p.157

I’ve encountered this in male chiropractors offices as well in the last five years.  It’s outlined in my book “Healer”.  Sometimes it seems as though we haven’t gotten much past Tudor England in the times of King Henry the VIII! It’s 2017 but the White House is still run like the Palace of the King and Queen.

Whenever something doesn’t fit the reigning paradigm, the initial response in the mainstream is to deny the facts“-p.162

The thing about that is, that’s how all humans tend to react to information they don’t personally like. Our egos and feelings come first. The facts of the matter come second.  IF….IF…we’d all pay attention to synchronicity and our intuition, that would not be the case. The fact is, intuition is rational and helps us feel secure because its basis is found in the body. It is no wonder that all of our institutions, (Church and State) and our health care system train us to ignore our own intuition about our body or tell us that we’re supposed to sacrifice them for the greater good.  No, it’s for THEIR good they want our money, energy, time, and body. You can take it back.

We’ve evolved to pay attention to our feelings, instincts, and intuitions and all the great scientists and artists know that. I make a good living now that I’ve empowered myself and have my own business.  You can too. But you have to love and honor yourself above what your parents and society tell you is acceptable.

The Priest Died

I talk about the experience I had working with a Catholic priest in my new book “Healer”. I just found out he died of lung cancer last year, just as my son’s father did seven months previous to that.  He was a smoker, drinker and lived a fast, loose jazz life as a cabaret singer before he was ordained.  It was a seamless career transition, no doubt.

This part isn’t in the book, but I worked with him as the liturgy director for Triduum in 2009, which is similar to putting on a complex Easter performance over three days, conducting many musicians and playing all the keyboards.  I had to focus and lead during this time.  It was a lot of work and my first time tackling it! I lived quite a distance from the parish so I requested a hotel room nearby before the busiest of the three days.  I was told they would cover the cost.

The priest had been bothering and flirting with me previous to this but I didn’t expect what came next.  He called me up and expected to have a liaison with me that weekend at the hotel. I wouldn’t do it so he refused to pay for my room! I told the church secretary he wouldn’t pay it and what had happened. She just snickered, as though I should know how the game was played.  She was playing it herself with him, after all, and this confirmed it.  I had other proof and it was in my report to the Diocese before I quit.

I guess I’m not a team player, especially as a woman in the workplace no matter where I go. I took care of myself, paid for the room, and decided I could not be bought my male superiors on a job whether they’re doctors or priests.  There is more to the story, but the short of it is I’ve never been put through the dark ringer as much as I was by this guy. Good riddance your holiness. Now I have to figure out how to forgive him. At least I know I’ll never run into him.

 

Intuition and Sexual Attraction

I just read this really great article called “Survival of the Prettiest”

Survival of the Prettiest

This article by David Dobbs of the New York Times starts out…

 “Darwin published another troublesome treatise — “The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relationship to Sex.” This expanded on an idea he mentioned only briefly in “Origin.” Sometimes, he proposed, in organisms that reproduce by having sex, a different kind of selection occurs: Animals choose mates that are not the fittest candidates available, but the most attractive or alluring. Sometimes, in other words, aesthetics rule.”

Please read the next few paragraphs of the article.  Then he says this,

“To Darwin’s dismay, many biologists rejected this theory. For one thing, Darwin’s elevation of sexual selection threatened the idea of natural selection as the one true and almighty force shaping life — a creative force powerful and concentrated enough to displace that of God. And some felt Darwin’s sexual selection gave too much power to all those females exerting choices based on beauty. As the zoologist St. George Jackson Mivart complained in an influential early review of “Descent,” “the instability of vicious feminine caprice was too soft and slippery a force to drive something as important as evolution.”

Say what??!!!  I about fell off the couch when I read that.  Most women are not that superficial. Maybe Mr. Mivart wasn’t being picked by an intelligent woman and was frustrated! The ones that aren’t very bright and don’t think about relationship have unstable caprice and go for the car and money…or booty.  That’s a small group of women. Most women I’ve known, know that a foundation of friendship, respect, and affinity are the basis for big, lasting, sexual attraction.  That’s how most women roll, and we use our intuition to do it.

But in this case, it isn’t just our intuition, it’s the science of biology combined perfectly with the intuition that demonstrates my point.  The holistic scientific method demonstrates how women pick a mate.  Pheromones give off silent, non-noticeable smell signals to a woman, about a man’s DNA.  It doesn’t occur so much with men because they aren’t the ones reproducing.  Females make the healthy baby so we have to pick! That’s just nature fellas. This stuff is deep and not even in the control of males or females.  We smell each other unconsciously to put the DNA messages we get about the other person through our subconscious computer brain.

In this case, our 300,000-year-old ancient instinct is behind the selection.  Family resemblance comes into play here too.  Females and males tend to be drawn to people that may resemble an immediate family member if they have safe subconscious tapes about those family members. If you’re at a reproductive age, you will be concerned whether or not that person will fit into your family when you have children.

 “Richard Prum, a mild-mannered ornithologist and museum curator from Yale, has published a book intended to win Darwin’s sex theory a more climactic victory with THE EVOLUTION OF BEAUTY (Doubleday, $30).”

“Prum considers birds artists. Manakins (Prum’s study group) carefully choreograph their dances. Bowerbirds mastered perspective in their bower building eons before human painters grokked it during the Renaissance.”

“Prum sees such aesthetic choices as driving a gradual “aesthetic remodeling” — an evolutionary reshaping of mating behavior, and even of male social behavior more widely, by the civilizing pressure of female preference. Prum stresses this is not about emasculating males or dominating them; it’s simply about selecting for males who allow females autonomy and choice.”

The success of our civilization and the health of our children is, to a great degree, dependent on intelligent, thoughtful, healthy women who listen to the bodies and to their intuition when deciding to mate.  This waste of time, women competing with each other regarding beauty, believing that the men know how to pick or do pick, is indolent. A woman who sits passively back and waits for a man to approve of her is not intelligent enough to be a mother.  For all the blame we put on men, who from an evolutionary perspective are waiting for a woman to pick them, it really rests on women to set the tone and go forward with the holistic scientific method that includes natural biology and intuition. 

The sexually frustrated men who nobody loves, just start wars. We don’t want that.

Paige Bradley-spring

Artist Paige Bradley, “Spring”

Bi-Gender Intuition

I believe that, even though women have a biological brain preponderance of intuition, plenty of men do too.  Plenty of women are naturally good at STEM;(science, technology, engineering, math).  I loved my chemistry set when I was eight. Most men are not as naturally tuned into their bodies as women are.  Again, this is not to disparage, it’s evolution.

I want peace, not gender war.

My wish is simple; that women do not expect men to be like women and that men do not expect women to be like men.  We are who we are and sometimes it’s a benefit for us to partner and live together, given enough space…sometimes.

animated-peace-image-0042

Women’s and Men’s Brains are Biologically Different

It’s Biology, Not Socialization

“At the time, it seemed clear to me that any between-sex differences in thinking abilities were due to socialization practices, artifacts and mistakes in the research, and bias and prejudice. … After reviewing a pile of journal articles that stood several feet high and numerous books and book chapters that dwarfed the stack of journal articles … I changed my mind.”

Why? There was too much data pointing to the biological basis of sex-based cognitive differences to ignore, Halpern says.”

Behavioral Differences

Halpern and others have cataloged plenty of human behavioral differences. “These findings have all been replicated,” she says. Women excel in several measures of verbal ability — pretty much all of them, except for verbal analogies. Women’s reading comprehension and writing ability consistently exceed that of men, on average. They out­perform men in tests of fine-motor coordination and perceptual speed. They’re more adept at retrieving information from long-term memory.”

I am a female and all of that is the case for me. Is it for you? In this area particularly, we need to be patient with each other as men and women. Men are seriously behind us in communication and verbalization skills which women need SO much with a partner. We need to be able to talk to each other. Men can’t take it after awhile. They just need our bodies, is what I’ve noticed. That can be hard on women who need talking, bonding, and emotion to be turned on. Men only need that some. Some don’t need it at all which is a real problem. But curiously, I’ve heard more men say, when looking for a partner, “I just need to be able to talk to her.” That’s a good thing.

“Men, on average, can more easily juggle items in working memory. They have superior visual-spatial skills: They’re better at visualizing what happens when a complicated two- or three-dimensional shape is rotated in space, at correctly determining angles from the horizontal, at tracking moving objects and at aiming projectiles.

Well, of course, they’re better at aiming projectiles, come on!

Navigation studies in both humans and rats show that females of both species tend to rely on landmarks, while males more typically rely on “dead reckoning”: calculating one’s position by estimating the direction and distance traveled rather than using landmarks.”

It’s Important for Women to NOT Expect Men to Be Like Women. It’s Important for Men to NOT Expect Women to Be Like Men.

“New technologies have generated a growing pile of evidence that there are inherent differences in how men’s and women’s brains are wired and how they work.”

So, here’s to peace and bonding.

kissing