Prose; Adoration Be Damned


pink roses
I’m stalking a case for spring in the autumn of my middle age.

My assembled energy is diametrically opposite that of needing the validation of an amassed group of imposters pretending to agree so they can drink together later.

It’s not that I don’t like the group, or that I don’t occasionally have a very dry martini, I just don’t viscerally need the group. They get exhumed energy from each other; even demand it threatening social castigation, as though there would be any real loss there.

I haven’t figured out how to affix myself to a rumbling male in my present condition.

In addition, my mephitic eighteen-year-old son will be moving out of the house soon to go on his way to sow his oats and beans. My peaceful environment is proliferating.

As I think back on the men/mates I’ve adored and who have adored me, as vain as that sounds, it was called love at the time and then it turned into territorial civil war and possessive jealousy.

I’m pretty sure that uncorked behavior is common and some couples like it that way but some don’t. I don’t.

It’s just that, in this new paradigm of sitting in my body and owning myself, that adoration doesn’t feel like it’s all it’s cracked up to be.

It feels as though I’ve forged an alliance with a fawning cat whose nursing by pushing its paws into my chest.

Maybe it’s just the mood I’m in.

When a man starts to adore me he wants to own me, my time, and my body, like a puppy!

That’s been my experience with every man I’ve been with except this last guy I dated. He left me in the dog house neglected, but at least he didn’t bug me. I know there are all the ideas about giving your mate the space they need, but then the real emotions of amorous desire creep in.

“I want you”, “I adore you”, “I need you”, “I love you”, “I miss you” becomes a medieval prison!

I used to think I wanted to be adored by a man with high self-esteem and all the pheromones I need to be turned on, but now I’m not so sure.

I love my life, my work, my friends, and my home. Maybe all of that adoration would be oppressive! I’d have to respond after all or that would be rude.

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Essay; Intimacy and Intuition


Private & Passionate Prose-Cover jpg

Intimacy means feelings and bonding with sex. It’s true friendship, not territory, ownership, or marriage necessarily.  I have a feeling men would say sex is intimacy because that’s as far as most of them go. Sex IS their feeling like hunger IS their feeling and for them, it is deep and significant. Anything physical is very emotional for men; like being sick or succeeding in a sport or having a lot of money. They love “things” and have emotions about “things”. They freak out like a little kid and women make fun of them too much regarding those things. Women all know this but not all women are loving and patient about it. Women view bonding and relationship as transcendent over the physical. It’s spiritual for us.

I’ve decided that I’m tired of acting so detached with men (mimicking them!) when the truth is, I do have feelings. I’m a girl! I’m sick of feeling like I have to act like a guy or a hook-up prostitute to get any attention or bonding with a man. Or maybe I don’t want the bonding then! The promiscuity with women, the super-rationality and denial of emotion, the negative feelings about their mother and the resistance to real intimacy with a woman is a turn-off to me. Comments like, “I can’t live with a woman.”, “I don’t have relationships with women.” No heterosexual man has ever said things like that to me but that’s what I’m hearing lately from men who profess to be straight. Are they straight or do they really prefer someone like themselves; another man? There is no way they could love a woman?

Straight guys actively pursue a woman they’re attracted to, get to know her in person, want to have sex with her and see where it goes from there! You know a guy wants you when they contact you and want to “be in touch”. If they don’t, they don’t want you.

There is a little conundrum here for me. Women need physical confirmation of attraction, in person, before we invest more time and communication with a certain fellow. That’s what women need. I’ve heard men say they don’t. I don’t believe it but there is something handy about one step removed I suppose. I think it’s odd.

One thing Zoosk has taught me is that meeting a guy on social media and in-person are night and day. I’m done with that now because none of the men are very happy. I have to date a man before it progresses any further and feel a friendship there. End of story. And any man who expects sex on the first date is not interested in loving a woman at least as a friend. He must demonstrate it or he is not capable of it in which case, this woman will never have sex with him.

It’s pretty simple for me. I’m literally not turned on if there is no affinity, no warmth, no sincere affection, no love. Women are super intuitive with regard to the truth about a guy’s real feelings so there is no worry. If he has no feelings, neither do I and for me, that means no sex. The only way a guy can get around that is if he finds a woman willing to deny herself, her core, and her needs which unfortunately is all too easy these days.

Heartset; Addiction as a Shield


 

 

My drug of choice was sugar (top right), particularly cheesecake. Anything can actually be a drug of choice which is your “go-to” when you don’t feel you can deal with the emotions of a bad situation or a toxic vampiric relationship sucking the life force from you or traumatic memories because you don’t know how to put up boundaries or kick the memories in the huevos. People are addicted to all kinds of things, even working out! For instance, no one needs to work out two hours a day, seven days a week and that is extremely unhealthy. The body won’t tolerate it. Sometimes a way out takes some thought and planning and if you’re in survival mode, who has time for thought and planning? Well, that’s what we tell ourselves. Sometimes we say, “I’ll plan it out tomorrow,” and tomorrow means never. Do it now.

Now that I’m on the wagon and eating very healthy, dealing with my feelings, setting boundaries and exercising, I can see how ironic the addiction shield is. In my case, my fat layers were my shield but they didn’t work. I still had men hitting on me. It’s SUCH a myth that men are only attracted to thin women. HUGE freaking lie. It didn’t work and I felt horrible. My husband and then men after him, after my divorce, still wanted my sexual energy and liked me fat layers and all. I must put out an energy I’m not fully aware of yet but I don’t intend to. I am who I am! I have to figure it out.

All of the other addictive substances and activities not done in moderation will hurt your health as well and we know them. So, who needs a shield against an enemy, which could be mate, family, bad job, boss, the IRS, you name it when you’re busy destroying yourself on the other side of the shield??

That is the irony. Most addicts feel like they’re empowering themselves by rebelling, defiantly smoking the cigarette or dab pen 6-10 times a day or anything else. You’re defying yourself! You’re hurting yourself behind the shield you’ve put up supposedly so others can’t get to you. Instead, YOU can’t get to you. It makes no sense and no one cares really if you want to destroy yourself of not. That’s the awful truth of our world. You do have to be your own best friend and it still continues to amaze me how much more I’m ignored the better I do on my own. That’s another irony. I think it’s the pity and rescuing thing. People who need to rescue themselves are addicted to rescuing others and pitying them. If you don’t fit that description, you are not useful to them.

If you really want to resist and be defiant against the machine (family, marriage, church, and state), LOVE YOURSELF, figure out how to make yourself happy, get so hot and so fit that everyone who said they loved you before find themselves deliciously jealous, hating you, trying to cut you down, and not talking to you anymore. You’re too good for them now. No, not really, but they are so down on themselves and you’re not that they have to project that out to stay in denial about their own power to change or willingness to exert themselves to achieve it.

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to improve yourself, in fact, the opposite. Live alone and organize your money so that you can support yourself and pay your bills. Think it through. Have fun with your kids and don’t talk to people that suck who everyone else thinks rock out. That is non-compliant. You don’t need the shield of defense anymore in the form of addiction because you’re right out in front, asserting yourself and picking your battles and hopefully, winning a few. Win the battles with YOURSELF, put that shield down and go after the kind of body and life you want, one day at a time.

Essay; 10 Reasons It’s Hard For Smart Women To Find Love


1. They aren’t afraid to be by themselves.

Smart women know what they want and aren’t willing to settle for anything less. They know the importance of staying true to themselves and they also realize that sacrificing their needs for the sake of love with the wrong person will only cause resentment in the long run. They do not have to settle out of fear of being alone, or fear of social implications by others’ who do not understand a woman’s ability to be by herself and be happy.

2. They know what they want.

Every woman has a mental “checklist” of what they are looking for in a significant other. A smart woman’s checklist tends to be either longer or more specific than those who want a significant other, just to have a significant other. They know themselves and in turn, know what type of person they can and can’t be with.

3. They don’t need another person to facilitate their lifestyle.

The past portrays that women needed to go straight from their father’s house to their husband’s. In the modern world women no longer need another person to help them live on their own; they may have realized they prefer that alone time. Therefore, knowing that they will eventually have to share that space can be scary for an independent woman.

4. They have other commitments that take priority over dating.

Careers, friendships, family, extra-curricular pursuits, whatever it is that she has going on may not allow for as much time to date as it takes to find the right mate.

5. They are hyper-aware that relationships end and can let their knowledge of the past affect their future potential relationships.

They have a harder time “living in the moment” and do not want to waste their time; as time truly is a valuable asset to a smart woman. They need to know that there is a future and that their potential mate is on the same page.  Marriages, kids, finances, etc.

6. They know that attraction is only half the battle.

Physical attraction is an important aspect of finding love, but smart women understand that attraction is fleeting and can be altered once you see what is underneath.  While a woman’s hormones tend to make the first step towards finding love, smart women understand that it is the intimacy developed (and maintained) by both people that dictate whether or not a relationship can last.

7. They can be intimidating.

When a woman is intelligent she isn’t afraid to stand up and say what she thinks. This is a hard pill for a lot of people to swallow. Whether it’s because they don’t know how to react, or if it’s because they don’t feel they can live up to her expectations; either way, it can be somewhat intimidating for potential lovers and even friends.

8. They understand change.

They don’t pretend that they, and their partners, will be the same person years down the road. They want to grow and they have ambitions for their futures that will change who they are, and ultimately, what they want. Knowing this makes it harder for a woman to commit to a partner for a long period of time.

9. They have a vast understanding of modern dating practices and don’t necessarily like, nor agree, with them.

Dating is no longer a means of survival for women. As stated before, since we no longer need to be passed from father to husband as well as we have the capability to live alone – dating is truly meant to find a companion whom you love and want to share your life, interests, and future with.

10. They know not to trust their hearts with just anyone.

This reason is the culmination of all of the ways it is harder for smart women to find love. Deciding whether someone is worthy of an intelligent woman’s heart is not an easy task and we do not take it lightly. Intelligent women have to weigh the pro’s and con’s and decide if the risk of loving another person is worth the devastation that can occur if it doesn’t work out.

Essay; A Woman’s Ego


 

Woman on a mountain

I originally blogged this on August 26, 2013; 6 years ago.

The book I wrote, “Healer” has a section on gender.  Like most people, I believe that men and women have a tremendous amount in common biologically.  And I really do like most men.  However, socially, on Facebook, and in the town I live in, the more I talk, as a literate person, as an intelligent woman with self-esteem that isn’t a doormat, as a woman who is a small business owner, the more I get called names like “egotistical” and “pathetic”.

So I decided to think about the difference between a woman’s ego and a man’s ego. There are books and articles about a man’s ego all over the place. The “fragile male ego” is well known.  But the woman’s ego?  Imagine, the “fragile female ego” being bandied about.  It’s more like, “New discovery!  Women have an ego! Make a flag for them!”

The definition of the ego is a sense of “yourself” or “self-centered”. Everyone starts out at a young age with a natural inborn sense of who they are as a person unless your parents or religion beat it out of you. That’s possible and maybe prevalent, but not healthy at all. People do tend to feel more secure if they agree with one another.  It’s curious.

A woman…with a sense of “herself”, pride, dignity, accomplished….well, she doesn’t sound very sexy.  Or does she?  Why do I assume she has to sound sexy? If you described a man that way it’s sexy.

There’s our first red flag. Women are given the message early on that their attractiveness as a potential mate, for the purposes of reproduction, should define their sense of self-worth. Thus the obsession with superficial looks as opposed to a big brain, articulateness, education, in essence, the character Amy Farafowler on “Big Bang Theory” (who I love). It’s just starting to catch on. And we are ever so grateful to Dr. Barbie and Corporate Manager Barbie to serve as a role model for young girls.

Yes, women have an ego.  Yes, women have a sense of themselves as an individual. Our needs with regard to education, intelligence, level of respect and pay in the workplace, respect in the home, respect from our sons, access to team sports, et.al are EQUAL to men.

I suppose I’ll spend the rest of my life writing and living an example of a woman with an ego who loves.  You can’t love from emptiness.  You can’t love if your body is falling apart because you’ve given your last ounce of life force to everyone else. Women can be an example of how to take care of ourselves first and then whoever else we prefer to care for.

 

Heartset; Who has your back?


lemniscate2

If you didn’t need human permission to be born and you don’t need human permission to die, why do you think you need human permission to live your life as you see fit, or that it is at least a good expansive experience for you? The same Energy that got you here and helps you leave here…HAS you here.

1/13/13 copyright Lisa K. Townsend

Prose; “I Love You”


hot-fudge-brownie-with

Mmmm, brownies are so good…for a while.

What some people mean by “I love you” is that they are envious, jealous, and covet everything you’ve worked hard to become, and paid an earthly price for. It’s kind of like a brownie you want to eat. You don’t love the brownie, you want to consume and use the brownie for the sugar high, for free if possible. And then you hate the brownie when your sugar crashes.

Then the claim of inspiration comes when really it’s competition. “You inspire me so much! Thank you.” You know they feel uncomfortable or competitive around you if you never hear from them and they don’t want to hang out with you. And if you do hear from them with a smile on their face, they eventually start ripping away at your soul with their addiction self-hate to try to bring you down. Or the conversation turns to offload and they want you to listen to everything about them and refuse to balance the conversation by asking you how you are and listening to you, realizing that you are a human being with needs. As long as it’s back and forth, it’s not offloading. Friends need each other to listen to each other sometimes. I only have two friends like that and they are both men. No women will be reciprocal friends with me and reach out to me. I always have to reach out to them and I’m not doing it anymore.

There is no short cut through others to loving and knowing who you are. I’m not eating that brownie. Once a month I might, but not usually. Loving yourself starts with making the choice to eat nutritious foods and making choices that are good for you because you value your body and your life. That includes being around people who reciprocate because they are capable of caring.

Everyday Spirituality; The Work of The Spiritual Warrior


It becomes the work of the spiritual warrior to love themselves and life so strong and so true that the b.s. around them doesn’t stick nor does it distract. You certainly cannot change the very negative person or family system; you can only stay in your own space. A healthy relationship really isn’t possible. Its foundation is self-loathing and then they treat others poorly, especially those close to them mostly because they think you have to tolerate it since it’s your role as a family member to be offloaded onto. That is not your role and no, you don’t have to do anything. There is grieving to go through then.

The spiritual warrior does not profess perfection or ego but works and works and applies themselves to their own body, to bring light and life through the flesh that is already IN the flesh. Physical alignment brings Spirit-Body-Mind alignment since they are one. That is the true work of the spiritual warrior. Maybe you know God is real and the others don’t believe it? God is not a religion; it’s the Universe, nature, and physics. That changes people’s minds and hearts as well.

Is the resentful person also jealous of your wounds, losses, being innocently sued, deaths, threats to life, and threats of harm with no backup? Are they jealous of your struggle and weakness? Are they also jealous of your pain? Why not? Is it too hard to acknowledge what the strong person has been through to BE strong? The resentful person is usually emotionally and spiritually lazy, selfish and whines a lot. There is no fixing that other than what they decide from within themselves.

Are you owed so much more than you received from your parents? Really? You have a  body, time and opportunity. What are you whining about? Everyone has a story and it’s usually pretty bad because this is earth. Let it go. You are a free adult now. Get busy! But don’t expect others to approve of you taking the high road, especially if you’re beautiful and you succeed. Based in ego, you’re making them look bad when you love yourself and others and they don’t, and when you have control of your property, possessions, and body as a woman and they don’t.

Most parents don’t super-duper love their children. It’s mostly a natural, organic love simply because the children come from them; as an extension of themselves. They use them for their own benefit first as a tax deduction then god knows for what other ego trips. They’ll put a good face on it though, especially if they have money and letters behind their name.

There aren’t enough gifts, fake compliments or money to make up for a family member who says they love you, then treat you like a dog slave saying you’re their servant, verbally harassing you because they’re jealous, lying about what you’ve done to them and threatening to make something up to sick the cops on you and defending the right of people who hate you, in the family, to attack you.

No amount of love, goodwill, and good works can fix people who hate themselves and others. This is what good people need to accept if they are to stop the co-dependency, walk away, and cut the spiritual cord forever.

Prose; Self-Interest


being alone

It’s fairly natural and normal for people to put their own self-interests first. After all, if you don’t advocate for yourself, people will put words in your mouth, act as an authority over you and attempt to control you. None of that is good. That said, I tend to be the opposite and put others interests before my own if they are next to me. That’s why I like to be alone most of the time so I can feel myself and not just them. Tat begs the question, ” Why can’t I feelmysel anthe atthe sae time?” I can if I know and trust them.

Being an empath, I’m like a sponge or a cell phone tower picking up the vibes of others and I’m very sensitive to them. I am getting better at shutting it off. But in our offloading, chaotic culture, it’s like a trash heap of vibes and others aren’t even aware they’re doing it so I have my personal defense up.

However, in personal relationships, putting your self-interests ahead of others is selfish and it may be hard for them to get to know you. That may be the way you want it. It’s the way most of us had to function growing up with parents that had expectations of us or were abusive and controlling. I find human beings to be more difficult to deal with than animals or nature to be sure. We’ve learned to survive by being fake or not saying anything at all. I’ve had the problem in partnerships and friendships of caring more about and tuning into the other person more than they do to me. It may be true that I don’t readily express my feelings to others until I feel I can really trust them, which usually doesn’t happen. I’ve learned not to trust most humans. I think millions of people would agree with me. So in my case, I’m more in protective, observation mode than I am interested in myself more than them. In fact, when I’m with someone, I tend to be more interested in them. I am definitely a giver type person and only want to receive from a select few.

What I’m describing here is a sharing element where both parties feel free and safe to express their mood, what’s going on, what they’re working on, how they feel and what they need, knowing that the other one will listen. I will express that if the other person asks but generally I won’t otherwise.