I Make My Bed

I make my bed as though someone other than me might want to lay on it to relax…

Doubtful.

Fans, fanatics, stalkers, jealous husbands, jealous siblings, errant preachers, starry-eyed parents, and students all seeking some higher bedding more like a cloud…nothing low to ground where I am.

Doubtful.
It’s so…fake.

“THIS is who you are”. “THIS is who you are”…”This is who you are” rings the cacophony.

I am not going to spend my last breath, defying all of you because you are surface dwellers; American Idol, Desperate Housewives watchers. Fantasy. I hate TV.

I’m glad my son can cry and be tired. It means he’s human. That’s all there is.

I’m glad I can kick my ex out of the house for insulting my talent. It means I’m human.
All I have is myself and time…

Let me divorce all that is not calm and in balance.
Ring out the true madness that jumps up…to lightness.
Jumps up…to levity
Jumps up…to where gravity is turned upside down.
My feet are my head. Who cares? Must we always walk?

I want to live in a dimension where upon meeting someone I like, I kiss them with ridiculous abandon.

©Lisa Townsend-2011


	

I Just Realized…

…that I’ve either presented myself to be objectified by a man or turned around and objectified a man in revenge for societal objectification my entire adult life. A man can chase me and demand sex from me and that is as it should be right?… but I can’t turn around and do the same to him just because I’m female. It’s too direct. Feel that fear and sting guys, when a strong woman objectifies you and asserts herself because she’s got the hots for you? It’s dehumanizing and overpowering and that’s what we’re supposed to accept from you…all the fucking time. Two can play the control game and women do! It repels most men and statistics prove it because nature makes females receptive…or does it? See, we don’t know anymore.

No doubt, this may be the case for most of us because it’s the way we’ve been socialized. Because I live alone now, I can finally feel myself and see myself.  It’s amazing!

My father objectified all of us as a dyed in the wool misogynist; my mother and my three sisters. There was no love there. My mother in turn, as a true misandrist,  in resentment, taught us to use and objectify men. “Women are just better people,” she said. I know a few feminists that would agree with her. Men are good for money, sex, and giving us babies if we play the game; that’s it. Neither one of them has ever changed their story and there is no belief in love possible between the genders.

I know that many people have seen their parents or grandparents love each other or other couples love each other but I don’t think most people have. The divorce rate and disintegration of the family is a testimony to that despite the posturing on FB and Disney movies. Human life is cheap and each gender first suspects that the reason for talking to the opposite sex is to ultimately use them for sex or money, not friendship.

Also, though, my whole adult life, I’ve held as a value, as an ideal, a human awakening, a deep feeling where somehow, someone, somewhere, in the universe, or on this planet will show me how to behold a man as just another human being and not a predator. I know men think women are predators too but they barely talk about it. They’ve said it to me about other women!

I have no problem wanting humaneness. I don’t see it, but I hold it as an ideal.  Women and men are human beings first. I desperately want to believe and see that in my world. There’s no sexual tension there though is there? What a conundrum, our damn brains.

Where is the top ridge, higher up the mountain where we can put the programming of gender, whether based in biology or not, down in the valley where one day it will just flood and wash it away?  I want, with all of my heart, to just have a friend that I love.  Frankly, I don’t care if I ever have sex again if we can just stop running from one another in fear and distrust because of hurt from the past. If we can just stop using sex and seeing sex as a control game, a power game, a thieving of energy rather than sharing. Why must we suck energy off of one another instead of sharing our true selves? Why do we have to compete? Why can’t we both have great ideas perceived in different ways? Why can’t we just be kind to one another?

I’m at zero.  I really am.

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Men and Women Need Each Other

Yes!  We do! We are really going through the ringer right now in the U.S. with the bricks of abuse and sexual harassment falling out of patriarchy.  This is going to be a short blog because I have just one thing to say;

Even though I do believe that on the whole women tend to be the dominant species in terms of civility, ability, reason, intuition, communication, and leadership, I very much like and respect men as a species. Many women don’t! Like most people, I hold gender equity as an ideal and I shoot for that in my personal life. I really don’t want to live with a male partner that I can trump in most ways, yet, that has been the case for me and it sucks. As a female, I’m not turned on by that. But submissive doesn’t work either. I want shared power. So, I’m looking for an exceptional man who won’t fear my strength but won’t take advantage of my vulnerabilities, call me names, or be emotionally abusive because of mama trauma drama unresolved.

Patriarchy has essentially been a chance for males to catch up with females and I think they’ve done a pretty fair job.  I am definitely one of the women that don’t want men to get any more “feminine” than they already are, nor do I think women need to get any more “masculine” than they already tend to be.  Let’s have a stopping point here before we stop lusting for each other.

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The Priest Died

I talk about the experience I had working with a Catholic priest in my new book “Healer”. I just found out he died of lung cancer last year, just as my son’s father did seven months previous to that.  He was a smoker, drinker and lived a fast, loose jazz life as a cabaret singer before he was ordained.  It was a seamless career transition, no doubt.

This part isn’t in the book, but I worked with him as the liturgy director for Triduum in 2009, which is similar to putting on a complex Easter performance over three days, conducting many musicians and playing all the keyboards.  I had to focus and lead during this time.  It was a lot of work and my first time tackling it! I lived quite a distance from the parish so I requested a hotel room nearby before the busiest of the three days.  I was told they would cover the cost.

The priest had been bothering and flirting with me previous to this but I didn’t expect what came next.  He called me up and expected to have a liaison with me that weekend at the hotel. I wouldn’t do it so he refused to pay for my room! I told the church secretary he wouldn’t pay it and what had happened. She just snickered, as though I should know how the game was played.  She was playing it herself with him, after all, and this confirmed it.  I had other proof and it was in my report to the Diocese before I quit.

I guess I’m not a team player, especially as a woman in the workplace no matter where I go. I took care of myself, paid for the room, and decided I could not be bought my male superiors on a job whether they’re doctors or priests.  There is more to the story, but the short of it is I’ve never been put through the dark ringer as much as I was by this guy. Good riddance your holiness. Now I have to figure out how to forgive him. At least I know I’ll never run into him.

 

Oblivion

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Digital Artist Sandra Bauser



Time fades into oblivion

One memory, one vision of you and I feel whole again.

I remember your voice, your smell, the feel of you next to me.

In time, it was so long ago, yet to my mind, it was yesterday.

My love for you is as natural as my heartbeat.

My Only Child Turns Eighteen Today

He went from twenty inches long to 70 inches long.  Something, or someone pulled him into this big, strapping, broad shouldered, sweet, brilliant man.

Well, legally he’s a man, but now he needs to launch out into this crazy mess of humans bumping around, unaware of how their thoughts and feelings create their life.  He is a calm, kind soul so he won’t be skinning anyone alive, but he does tend to be honest in a very charitable manner so most people won’t get off scot free from his observations.

ALEX

The day of your birth, a crisp, cold, crystal day

In my memory, eighteen years ago holds sway

Who do I value most of all?

It’s you my son so big and tall

May your life have adventures that take your breath

May you jump in feet first, unafraid of death

I know that’s odd for a mother to say

But my son has seen death like it’s yesterday

His father is gone, a year ago now

He loved our son dearly at his final bow

I’ve held the ship level as best I can

Mostly alone with some helping hand

The men do die, often you know

The woman on her own in the ice and snow

Remember that sometimes people need help

A hand or two is all when they yelp

Just as we have done in these last two years

Keep your friends close as you move through the tears

But there’s fun to be had, plenty of that

As you move around life from the last place you sat

Run the race strong, keep your head up son

And be a good friend ’til your Earth life is done

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Alex was ten in this picture

Growth

It’s not very sexy is it…that word.  It sounds very serious to me.  It doesn’t matter how it sounds though because it’s an inevitable part of life.

Most of us like to have fun.  Life is fraught with enough negative media, break-ups, death, grovelling for money and head banging over college exams and getting along with professors.  It’s important to take breaks, go for walks, have some tea, dance, listen to music that makes you happy and want to move.  I do all of those things to be happy in the midst of challenges, which will frankly, never end until we’re done with this life.

But there is another kind of growth.  The kind where your heart is involved, reasonably so, but your mind assesses the situation and there is doubt.  We make a very big deal in our culture about agreement, affinity, and a meeting of the minds.  We’ve all been in enough relationships to know that you are never going to agree 100% on everything when you are mated or in a close friendship.  This is one of the biggest challenges in life and the one that precipitates the most growth for my soul.  It also causes the most angst.  I think that is sexy but that’s because I’m a soulful woman.

Destiny plays a hand here.  What lessons did you come to learn as a soul?  What do you need to push through?  Can you feel that certain people are good for you to be around and others are not?  That is the case.  “That’s NOT the kind of person I need to learn anything from!”  If you can say that right away about someone, there ya have it!  But with others, it’s not so simple.  You might not agree with them many times but you love them and you have no idea why.  I think it’s a gift.

If you’ve ever loved someone who is very different from you or at a very different place in their life, it feels mysterious.  I wonder why I’m drawn to that person.  I really don’t have a lot in common but just some.  Maybe we have things in common that we don’t even know about yet.  But what is superficial?; Political party, the past, and how much money we make as long as it’s enough to live or thrive as the case may be, style, culture.  So don’t discuss the superficial things then.

What is important is whether or not our hearts are open and we care for people. Do we have faith in something eternal or at least something bigger than ourselves? Do we take care of and love our bodies (health)? Do we abide by the law?  Do we want to improve our minds? I would say these are foundation issues in friendship and love.

I have lost all of the mates I’ve had so much in common with; either through divorce or death equally.  That’s not what keeps people together.  I believe it’s destiny and love that is the glue.  Then I just have to roll with it because everyone has a choice in these matters.fall leaves

 

Spiralling

The gravity of each individual Mind pulls us and keeps us in the body, giving off a specific gift, look, flavor, color, and feel.

Our individual cells dance with electromagnetic charge set in motion by our thoughts.

We are complete and can co-create just as we are right now.

Yet that gravity still makes us spiral as One life force toward The Center, all touching and affecting one another.

It’s a paradox.

We are individuals yet we are One.

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Loving Man

I asked All That Is for a Loving Man in my life and he found me.

And then I said yes.

Then he put his hand on my knee and kept staring at me and telling me how beautiful, brilliant, and unique I was.

I looked at my list of requirements. (That I finally made after too many failed mating attempts)

He fulfilled them all.

He just appeared and said he had to meet me!

And I said “Yes!”

And he’s still here.

You have to ask and then let it in.

I did and it worked.  Amazing.

Gratitude.

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I Won

I won against a 3 headed zombie, blood sucking, high powered law firm that sued me for an old $155.00 debt.  I won because I knew they were REALLY bad people and a direct, frontal, assault would not work.  We were told by corporate lawyers that this law firm loved to destroy people’s lives and force them into bankruptcy for sport.  We live in very weird times in the U.S. of A.

For one of the very few times in my life I’ve done it, I asked for help from a very intelligent, professional friend.  Her kindness, firmness, consistency, and rational manner did the trick.  She was not even a lawyer.

I am so completely grateful and in awe of her.  We are reciprocal with one another and if I can ever help her out in fix, I’m all over it.  Divided, the bad guys win.  I asked for help and it worked.  That is not usual.  Asking for help is usually a losing proposition for me.  We cooperated, she did the talking and I fed her information.  It worked.Image