What is Connection?

A connection is an affinity, an ease of communication, an understanding of another person, a desire to get to know someone better, the real possibility of a lasting friendship, and for women, respect. For men, it’s a huge turn-off to contemplate respecting a woman although most won’t admit it.

A connection does not denote love, being in love, physical attraction, desire for sex, desire to get married, desire to live with you, dreaming of a future, desire for a boyfriend, an attempt to control the other person, or dependency. Just because a guy feels a connection to a woman he really…should not freak out in fear that she’s going to control him with her feminine ways and make him give her babies. Or, post-reproduction, make him grow up and face and express his feelings. Most of us are too busy to try to control you. We ask that you organize yourselves. That’s usually asking too much though.

Interdependent connection between a woman and a man means you each have your own lives, take responsibility for knowing and expressing how you feel, making your own physical appointments, have boundaries that you agree on for privacy, but depend on each other for whatever you’re comfortable with which is usually quite a bit; affection, sex, sharing food duties, household chores, and child and pet care. Personally, though, I think couples need to have their own money and manage it themselves but sometimes merging it makes a bigger pile obviously. However, spending priorities can cause a divorce so, in that case, keep it separate.

I happened to be sitting next to a guy at a bar several months ago and he got a text from a woman he’d been dating. He told me she was really hot (like I need to know that. He wanted me to know that). She had just texted that she was willing to help him decorate his new place. He complained to me that that was intrusive and overcontrolling of her. I just shook my head. Men. You overinterpret us just being nice, way too much. We just like to do girly stuff.

You also make an awful lot of dumb assumptions about our sexual prowess and skill based on our body shape and size. That’s like assuming an orange that’s bigger than the other ones won’t taste as good pulling it off the tree when it truth, it will likely be sweeter and juicier! Your loss dude. Think through stuff more. A smart woman in life is a smart woman in bed, no matter her size. And if she’s smart, she’ll be detached in her feelings and won’t necessarily want you to stay. We independent types like the whole bed to ourselves. You’re programmed to prefer thin women and that’s just dumb.

Another guy I sat next to one time pointed out a large-sized waitress and said, “She looks good to me. It makes me hungry looking at her.” I’m thinking, “Does he see her as a roast chicken and potatoes or a human being?” I mean really! It would have been funny if it wasn’t so stupid! Again, I shook my head.

Women have given up on all of that. A simple connection means you guys stay calm enough, nixing the drama and fear, that we can have your short attention span for maybe ten minutes? Most women won’t settle for that anymore and many women are just going to women; lesbianism. The only women left who want you will be women that want babies and that will be all they want from you if that’s the only skill you’ve developed. But if you flirt, don’t lie about it and act like you haven’t. All guys flirt even just to see how far he can get, even if he doesn’t mean it. But if you flirt, and we flirt back, you better deliver dude.

Most women are independent, not dependent. Women “act” dependent for your ego. That’s it. Most women have an education and know they need to have their own money because let’s face it; most of the time you use your money to try to control us and then die or walk out and we would have no money. No woman wants to be controlled and penniless. There’s no room for love to grow there and no security for us. All women want love before anything else but many women have compromised for so long, not having the connection and affection they need that they’re out of touch with their body. Just sex is just the worst for us. It’s Mcdrive-thru Sex. Horrid. It also tells us you aren’t very bright. Only dogs just fuck and eat fast food for God’s sake.

I’ve known more than one man who I had friendship and affinity with and flirting, run the other way because I returned it. I’m mystified. We’re not supposed to like you back or you split? Are we just supposed to stand there, bask in it, and look pretty, never say anything smart and let you control every aspect of the relationship to your comfort level because you’re so insecure? That’s the only way you’ll come back or stick around? Oh well then, see ya!

Woman on a mountain

 

 

 

Body Image and Beaches in California; It Can Be Brutal

 

“Here’s to Michigan untanned, man-from-Glad skin, chubby bodies that keep us warm in the winter, and loving our neighbor as ourselves.”

I’m home, back from a mini-vacation in San Francisco, California. I had a good time but I hated my body while I was there. I was trying to use my intuition to figure it out while I was in the situation. Was I picking up the vibe from my friend who I was with? He was physically very confident, perfectly tanned, toned, and thin. But he wasn’t very healthy really. He just appeared that way. That’s Hollywood. Was it temporary insanity caused by all the flowers blooming in October? Maybe their intoxicating fragrance went to my head. My readers probably know that overall, I love and accept my body no matter what it’s going through at the moment. Feeling that way about myself, it is part of my acceptance and liberality with others. I accord them the same freedom from judgment in my office and in my life. But the projection from the dominant culture out there was so strong that I felt overwhelmed.

I just used the word liberality and I live in Michigan. We are liberal here as it relates to authentic nature. In our culture, a person is not only free to be themselves, but it’s also a social expectation that you will tell the truth about who you are and get to know your neighbor. None of that is the case in California. Nobody cares and hardly anyone looks at you and smiles. The state culture feels like one giant movie set to me where appearances and image are more important than talking to a friend when you need one or making sure you’re getting enough sleep and not abandoning your guest because of your own issues. Here in the northeast, we still have the old-fashioned value of taking care of one another, a reward for hard work and making sure our communities are liveable.

There is something to be said for basic human decency. If California is so liberal, why are there mounds of trash and graffiti on the freeway right next to million dollar houses? That’s a prison of true ugliness, not liberalism. Your neighbors are suffering, obviously. How can you live right next to them and ignore their need? How can you throw a banana peel out the window but legislate the protection of trees that are on someone else’s property? How can you act so happy and have so many mental health issues such as alcoholism, an eating disorder, and family enmeshment yet there’s hardly anywhere to get help? Why is the fake movie industry more important than human truth in a so-called democratically-held state?

California Body Image

I’m happy to live in Michigan and be from the East. I’ve decided the so-called fake democracy of the West Coast is no longer for me. My area is very pluralistic and we manage to be kind to one another just fine and pick up after ourselves no matter where we were born.

Oakland, CA2

 

 

Do We Really Need to Depend on a Partner Intimately?

It is very true that we are interdependent on one another in the second layer of society; fireman, government workers, health care workers, shop owners, food producers, mail folks, airline pilots and workers, taxi drivers; really an endless list. These are generally people who could be considered strangers or acquaintances in our local area. None of them lives with us. There are literally millions of service workers who are paid to be of service to individuals should they need food or attention. The grocery stores even deliver food to your door if you’re disabled. It’s actually mind-blowing if you think about it. Absolutely anything you could possibly need in terms of material need is now made available to us all over the world, sometimes at the touch of a button by other human beings who are generally happy to be helpful and kind-or appear to be.

But none of that is intimacy. None of those people know us well. They only know us superficially, sometimes less than anyone on social media. But the stats are showing that more and more Americans like living alone especially after their children are grown. It’s also known to actually ruin loving relationships to have children and form a family. I have a theory that the institution of the family is the main reason for gluttony. It looks to me like people who live in a family blow up like a balloon! You’re living so closely with people with whom you function in a prescribed role, that you put on the layers as a defense mechanism. It seems the family is more stressed than ever with a very high divorce rate. Maybe that’s because it’s unnatural but we assume it’s not! There is no disputing that. The main thing that keeps people together is guilt and duty to their children after about ten years. That’s actually not a bad function of negative emotion in this case as children really do thrive on having both parents available if they can at least be civil to one another living in the same household. The child is forming their subconscious mind.

My son is grown and I’m single so I’ve talked to other singles and they all say the same thing; “I miss having someone to talk to.” Well, how much of that talking is defending your ideas to the other person or offloading your emotions that as an adult you’re fully capable of dealing with silently or with a therapist? No two people are exactly alike and one of my least favorite activities is feeling like I have to explain my unusual self to anyone. Just read my writing or ask my patients! My work speaks for itself. Do I really have to talk about it?

I’m a writer so I unload my ideas, observations, and thoughts on the page. If you really want to know me, read what I’ve written. It sort of tells me everything when my friends don’t want to read my book or my blog.  It seems to me that when we talk to someone, we’re writing out loud. The other person is the typewriter or computer keyboard and paper receiving your thoughts. Is that fair to do that to someone else verbally? Most people see you the way they need to see you anyway, not the way you really are. It’s a psychological projection but that’s where we are in society. It may even be less than that. They size you up by how you look and your gender and that’s it! I don’t think they care to see much more. When I really like someone, I just want to be with them, hang out, walk, cook food, lay next to them, have sex. I don’t want to talk all the time. Most people I know aren’t secure enough in themselves to silently hang out.

I’m a giver for a living, or a service worker in that I’m a bodyworker and work in healthcare. I take care of people for a living and love my work. I stay quite busy, my phone rings, people ask for my advice a lot and people are in and out all day. I receive much from doing it as well and charge a fair fee so there is reciprocation. In no way do I feel I’m martyring myself during my work.

But do I really want to spend more time having sex with someone or am I happy to have the time to myself to keep working on my body, working out, buying and preparing healthy food, walking, shopping for new clothes that fit me and all the fun that entails? I’m not a child anymore so I’m not physically dependent on being taken care of physically or financially by a partner. No one is! That is a taboo subject. You’ll always get pushback on that one because of the epidemic of dysfunctional parenting. You don’t have to be a slave to any of that though. Playing victim and being a victim is a profitable industry and shores up the existence of political parties as does being even more abusive to people that have already been victims. It’s a vicious cycle that only the individual can finally free themselves from. It’s not politically correct of me to point that out either.

I guess I’m in an experimental phase, seeing what I can get away with, how much can I make myself happy and not have to talk to anyone. Silence is good. I adore it.

Woman on a mountain

 

You Might Not Be Looking For a Relationship but Doesn’t Everyone Want to Love and Be Loved?

I wonder sometimes if women and men mean, “I’m not looking to be possessed or to possess anyone.” when they say, “I don’t want a relationship.” Words are important. When it comes to attraction, the words one uses matter.

This is why marriage always ends. In truth, no one can possess anyone. We belong to ourselves. It’s plain and simple. What keeps two people near each other is affinity, attraction, same waveform, and comfort with each other. What splits two people is change. People change, grow and move. That’s nature. So, “forever marriage” isn’t realistic and more and more people realize that. It’s only good for the time that you’re reproducing. It’s forced togetherness for a time and it’s not a bad idea! After all, the parents are the creators of the subconscious mind of a child. That is real togetherness. But hopefully, the child will outgrow being controlled by his subconscious mind, into his conscious mind and everyone can move on and be free.  That’s the ideal folks. Norman Rockwell was misguided.

Love, on the other hand, is everywhere, always. Mostly, it’s in us and we can’t lose it. So as you move and grow through life, you should always be able to find someone on your frequency, someone with which you have an affinity. Suffering is not called for in this life. You’re not going to get a prize for suffering and no one is requiring it of you. That’s one of the big lies of religion. It’s kind of silly because who needs religion to experience suffering?? It’s a given on this planet, everyone goes through it, no one can escape it, and no one gets a prize for being born; except a body. That’s your prize.

I find security in myself, by being what I need every day and keeping myself organized and productive. It’s futile to find security in human beings. I’m sorry to burst everyone’s social bubble. I never saw anything so foolish in my life as pining for that. Human beings change like the weather and it’s natural! If you follow their meanderings, you’ll get lost too. It just happened to me. I sometimes forget what it’s like dealing closely with people who are not in control of their lives. It doesn’t take long for me to remember at times like this and be grateful that I’ve created what I have; a solid foundation underlying an active situation on the ground that keeps shifting.

heraclitus1-2x

 

Inspiration Is Just Competition

“Sometimes being inspired by someone just means you want to compete with them. Competition is a bit of an illusion because there is plenty to go around and you can’t compare two people’s lives to each other. Thus there is no real competition. We’re all very different and have paid the piper different amounts based on our choices. Ultimately, we’re competing with a vision of who we want to be and who we really are, so be careful projecting that onto others. Just look in the mirror and be honest with yourself if you really want power over your life.”-Lisa Townsend (Me)

 

Woman on a mountain

We are our own best friend or our own worst enemy.

 

I Make My Bed

I make my bed as though someone other than me might want to lay on it to relax…

Doubtful.

Fans, fanatics, stalkers, jealous husbands, jealous siblings, errant preachers, starry-eyed parents, and students all seeking some higher bedding more like a cloud…nothing low to ground where I am.

Doubtful.
It’s so…fake.

“THIS is who you are”. “THIS is who you are”…”This is who you are” rings the cacophony.

I am not going to spend my last breath, defying all of you because you are surface dwellers; American Idol, Desperate Housewives watchers. Fantasy. I hate TV.

I’m glad my son can cry and be tired. It means he’s human. That’s all there is.

I’m glad I can kick my ex out of the house for insulting my talent. It means I’m human.
All I have is myself and time…

Let me divorce all that is not calm and in balance.
Ring out the true madness that jumps up…to lightness.
Jumps up…to levity
Jumps up…to where gravity is turned upside down.
My feet are my head. Who cares? Must we always walk?

I want to live in a dimension where upon meeting someone I like, I kiss them with ridiculous abandon.

©Lisa Townsend-2011


	

I Just Realized…

…that I’ve either presented myself to be objectified by a man or turned around and objectified a man in revenge for societal objectification my entire adult life. A man can chase me and demand sex from me and that is as it should be right?… but I can’t turn around and do the same to him just because I’m female. It’s too direct. Feel that fear and sting guys, when a strong woman objectifies you and asserts herself because she’s got the hots for you? It’s dehumanizing and overpowering and that’s what we’re supposed to accept from you…all the fucking time. Two can play the control game and women do! It repels most men and statistics prove it because nature makes females receptive…or does it? See, we don’t know anymore.

No doubt, this may be the case for most of us because it’s the way we’ve been socialized. Because I live alone now, I can finally feel myself and see myself.  It’s amazing!

My father objectified all of us as a dyed in the wool misogynist; my mother and my three sisters. There was no love there. My mother in turn, as a true misandrist,  in resentment, taught us to use and objectify men. “Women are just better people,” she said. I know a few feminists that would agree with her. Men are good for money, sex, and giving us babies if we play the game; that’s it. Neither one of them has ever changed their story and there is no belief in love possible between the genders.

I know that many people have seen their parents or grandparents love each other or other couples love each other but I don’t think most people have. The divorce rate and disintegration of the family is a testimony to that despite the posturing on FB and Disney movies. Human life is cheap and each gender first suspects that the reason for talking to the opposite sex is to ultimately use them for sex or money, not friendship.

Also, though, my whole adult life, I’ve held as a value, as an ideal, a human awakening, a deep feeling where somehow, someone, somewhere, in the universe, or on this planet will show me how to behold a man as just another human being and not a predator. I know men think women are predators too but they barely talk about it. They’ve said it to me about other women!

I have no problem wanting humaneness. I don’t see it, but I hold it as an ideal.  Women and men are human beings first. I desperately want to believe and see that in my world. There’s no sexual tension there though is there? What a conundrum, our damn brains.

Where is the top ridge, higher up the mountain where we can put the programming of gender, whether based in biology or not, down in the valley where one day it will just flood and wash it away?  I want, with all of my heart, to just have a friend that I love.  Frankly, I don’t care if I ever have sex again if we can just stop running from one another in fear and distrust because of hurt from the past. If we can just stop using sex and seeing sex as a control game, a power game, a thieving of energy rather than sharing. Why must we suck energy off of one another instead of sharing our true selves? Why do we have to compete? Why can’t we both have great ideas perceived in different ways? Why can’t we just be kind to one another?

I’m at zero.  I really am.

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Men and Women Need Each Other

Yes!  We do! We are really going through the ringer right now in the U.S. with the bricks of abuse and sexual harassment falling out of patriarchy.  This is going to be a short blog because I have just one thing to say;

Even though I do believe that on the whole women tend to be the dominant species in terms of civility, ability, reason, intuition, communication, and leadership, I very much like and respect men as a species. Many women don’t! Like most people, I hold gender equity as an ideal and I shoot for that in my personal life. I really don’t want to live with a male partner that I can trump in most ways, yet, that has been the case for me and it sucks. As a female, I’m not turned on by that. But submissive doesn’t work either. I want shared power. So, I’m looking for an exceptional man who won’t fear my strength but won’t take advantage of my vulnerabilities, call me names, or be emotionally abusive because of mama trauma drama unresolved.

Patriarchy has essentially been a chance for males to catch up with females and I think they’ve done a pretty fair job.  I am definitely one of the women that don’t want men to get any more “feminine” than they already are, nor do I think women need to get any more “masculine” than they already tend to be.  Let’s have a stopping point here before we stop lusting for each other.

animated-peace-image-0042

The Priest Died

I talk about the experience I had working with a Catholic priest in my new book “Healer”. I just found out he died of lung cancer last year, just as my son’s father did seven months previous to that.  He was a smoker, drinker and lived a fast, loose jazz life as a cabaret singer before he was ordained.  It was a seamless career transition, no doubt.

This part isn’t in the book, but I worked with him as the liturgy director for Triduum in 2009, which is similar to putting on a complex Easter performance over three days, conducting many musicians and playing all the keyboards.  I had to focus and lead during this time.  It was a lot of work and my first time tackling it! I lived quite a distance from the parish so I requested a hotel room nearby before the busiest of the three days.  I was told they would cover the cost.

The priest had been bothering and flirting with me previous to this but I didn’t expect what came next.  He called me up and expected to have a liaison with me that weekend at the hotel. I wouldn’t do it so he refused to pay for my room! I told the church secretary he wouldn’t pay it and what had happened. She just snickered, as though I should know how the game was played.  She was playing it herself with him, after all, and this confirmed it.  I had other proof and it was in my report to the Diocese before I quit.

I guess I’m not a team player, especially as a woman in the workplace no matter where I go. I took care of myself, paid for the room, and decided I could not be bought my male superiors on a job whether they’re doctors or priests.  There is more to the story, but the short of it is I’ve never been put through the dark ringer as much as I was by this guy. Good riddance your holiness. Now I have to figure out how to forgive him. At least I know I’ll never run into him.

 

Oblivion

woman-with-orbs

Digital Artist Sandra Bauser



Time fades into oblivion

One memory, one vision of you and I feel whole again.

I remember your voice, your smell, the feel of you next to me.

In time, it was so long ago, yet to my mind, it was yesterday.

My love for you is as natural as my heartbeat.