Intimacy; Gray Area Between Relationship and Hookup?
I have to admit, if I’m not looking for a committed relationship with a man I don’t pay much attention to personality. I’m looking for an attraction for sex or a lover. Men are no different from women.
Having touch and sex is a health issue. We all need it! I’m not throwing guilt in there but I do notice that the emotional detachment with a man turns me off no matter how hot he is. I appreciate the beauty of a man though just as much as men do with women. Yet, it’s not even close to being like love.
Things get tricky when a man is your friend and you have things in common and have known each other for a while. If he has a disposable hookup habit with women who are not friends how will he handle sex with a friend? Another notch only meaner? He gets double points for disposing of a female friend? Ultimately, she’s only a woman and nothing stops him from devouring as much as he can for free.
Being women, we do have the ability to make a man fall in love with us by loving him from the heart, talking to him, and being irresistibly sexy even while we’re free spirits and have no intention of having him on a hook. Personally, I have no desire for a man around just as I have no pet in the house. I’m busy with the work I love. But I’m not sure I want the burden of a man in love with me to weigh me down.
I think you have to be ready to lose the friendship on the sex altar. It happens on the attraction and flirting altar too. That just ended one of my friendships. We didn’t even have sex but we may as well have because the energy and affection were there…then it left. It was his doing because he decided to hook up with someone else much easier to handle, blonder, and more tattooed likely with piercings in all the gross places. Lol. She was his level.
There is a gray area in there somewhere. I just haven’t found the sweet spot. Que sera sera.
Intimacy; You’re not necessarily in a relationship just because you have sex.
What I’m seeing men do is, instead of doing a series of hook-ups, they decide to be monogamous with one woman. Then the assumption is that is a relationship. No, it’s not; not if you don’t have feelings for one another. It’s just an ongoing hookup which is not a relationship.
You’re in a relationship if you have an ongoing friendship, you care about one another, and you hang out and go out, you love talking to one another, you help each other out sometimes and you eat together. That might include sex, it might not. It might be intermittent sex or not. The man or woman’s sexual behavior does not define the parameters of what a relationship is.
It’s time for women to step up and speak up! We need to accept that sexual communication IS a relationship to men and they don’t understand anything much deeper or how to go about it. Women understand emotions and bonding moreso and absolutely need to mix that in with the sex. But we still should not let the man say, “We had sex so you’re my territory.” Maybe you’re just dating. Sex is just part of dating.
Women are territorial sexually as well but my point is, the emotional friendship bond is what really creates an ongoing relationship; not sex. That should be perfectly obvious given how many people have hook-ups and it means nothing. For that matter, sex doesn’t define marriage either.
Re-Program Intimacy; How Do We Move From Lust to Love?
Do you know the difference between lust and love? I’ll go with the hard one first; Love. Love is when you want to take time to really know someone, to care about how they feel, what they need and what makes them tick. You want to be their friend. The problem here is friendship usually turns guys off because they want to get kinky and nasty with their fantasy brains too much. Sometimes women do too. That can get mean which I don’t feel is part of friendship.
Friendship is the basis of all lasting, lusty, good relationships. It takes time and maturity to grow. Lust is everything else. Anything that’s not love is lust. Lust is the emotion behind most human interactions and has the face of greed, trolling on Facebook, offloading on strangers and the like. If you have no foundation of care and face-to-face friendship with someone you are indulging in instant gratification lust and there is nothing loving about it.
This issue has been challenging for me. I’m a very passionate, physical woman and have no problem lusting after men who are very attractive to me. I don’t act on it; it’s just fun. My personality and values are all about love. There isn’t really any other material thing I lust after; unless I’m really hungry. then I lust after food.
That’s a good segue because food hunger is almost exactly like sex hunger in the brain. And notice how many people overeat when they just need some love, affection, and sex. We’re looking for a serotonin spike and some other juicy brain chemicals that make us happy. I know I am. Food doesn’t come close to making me happy the way intimacy and love does. I don’t even like bothering to stop and fix food because I’m busy with my projects, writing, chores, things I love to do! Why do I have to stop and eat? I’ve always been like that. I’m not terribly fond of slowing down.
Now we see a problem here; denial of human need when you know it’s not likely to be easily fulfilled! I’ve been married three times to great men and had several great boyfriends. I’m still not satisfied. They weren’t perfect or didn’t satisfy me the way I really want to be. They didn’t make my brain and body explode with orgasmic happiness, although my last mate Michael came close. He loved me…really, really loved me and I loved him. Love is the sexiest thing going. Then he died suddenly. That’s not helping the situation. Love is definitely tragic.
It makes me wonder about eating disorders. If you take that denial of the need for love, warmth, and affection far enough it would make your brain or specifically, the hypothalamus gland stops craving food. So the emotion of lust would be good at this point versus the emotions around deprivation.
I’m not into deprivation at all but I am sorely afraid of loving a man, pulling him to me, and pushing him away because I need to be alone with my ideas, my mind, my life, my work, and my writing. I don’t want to hurt him. There has to be some intimacy and some time shared with your loved one or they will go away. I hate that.
I think I’ve stayed in lust mode in my brain because I’ve lost too many people I’ve loved. It’s like a car idling. My life isn’t idling but my feelings about bonding in a relationship are definitely idling. Maybe I’m stuck in lust gear because it’s emotionally safer. There is no risk of having your heart ripped out and stomped on the floor by death and life itself if you don’t go into love gear and really start driving.
Prose; Spiralling Paradox
The gravity of each individual Mind pulls us and keeps us in the body, giving off a specific gift, look, flavor, color, and feel.
Individual cells dance with electromagnetic charge set in motion by our feelings and thoughts.
Complete…we can co-create just as we are right now.
Yet gravity still makes us spiral as One toward The Center, all touching and affecting each other.
It’s a paradox.
We are individuals yet we are One.
Prose; “I Love You”
Mmmm, brownies are so good…for a while.
What some people mean by “I love you” is that they are envious, jealous, and covet everything you’ve worked hard to become, and paid an earthly price for. It’s kind of like a brownie you want to eat. You don’t love the brownie, you want to consume and use the brownie for the sugar high, for free if possible. And then you hate the brownie when your sugar crashes.
Then the claim of inspiration comes when really it’s competition. “You inspire me so much! Thank you.” You know they feel uncomfortable or competitive around you if you never hear from them and they don’t want to hang out with you. And if you do hear from them with a smile on their face, they eventually start ripping away at your soul with their addiction self-hate to try to bring you down. Or the conversation turns to offload and they want you to listen to everything about them and refuse to balance the conversation by asking you how you are and listening to you, realizing that you are a human being with needs. As long as it’s back and forth, it’s not offloading. Friends need each other to listen to each other sometimes. I only have two friends like that and they are both men. No women will be reciprocal friends with me and reach out to me. I always have to reach out to them and I’m not doing it anymore.
There is no short cut through others to loving and knowing who you are. I’m not eating that brownie. Once a month I might, but not usually. Loving yourself starts with making the choice to eat nutritious foods and making choices that are good for you because you value your body and your life. That includes being around people who reciprocate because they are capable of caring.
Prose; Self-Interest
It’s fairly natural and normal for people to put their own self-interests first. After all, if you don’t advocate for yourself, people will put words in your mouth, act as an authority over you and attempt to control you. None of that is good. That said, I tend to be the opposite and put others interests before my own if they are next to me. That’s why I like to be alone most of the time so I can feel myself and not just them. That begs the question, ” Why can’t I feel myself and them at the same time?” I can if I know and trust them.
Being an empath, I’m like a sponge or a cell phone tower picking up the vibes of others and I’m very sensitive to them. I am getting better at shutting it off. But in our offloading, chaotic culture, it’s like a trash heap of vibes and others aren’t even aware they’re doing it so I have my personal defense up.
However, in personal relationships, putting your self-interests ahead of others is selfish and it may be hard for them to get to know you. That may be the way you want it. It’s the way most of us had to function growing up with parents that had expectations of us or were abusive and controlling. I find human beings to be more difficult to deal with than animals or nature to be sure.
We’ve learned to survive by being fake or not saying anything at all. I’ve had the problem in partnerships and friendships of caring more about and tuning into the other person more than they do to me. It may be true that I don’t readily express my feelings to others until I feel I can really trust them, which usually doesn’t happen. I’ve learned not to trust most humans. I think millions of people would agree with me. So in my case, I’m more in protective, observation mode than I am interested in myself more than them. In fact, when I’m with someone, I tend to be more interested in them. I am definitely a giver type person and only want to receive from a select few.
What I’m describing here is a sharing element where both parties feel free and safe to express their mood, what’s going on, what they’re working on, how they feel and what they need, knowing that the other one will listen. I will express that if the other person asks but generally I won’t otherwise.
Essay; Affinity
It’s a good feeling to have enough in common with someone that you feel happy and relaxed being with them. This is nothing to take for granted because we are each very individual people within ourselves that need to be honest. We all want someone to know who we are for some reason. It seems to me, that honesty has to some extent been whipped out of us by the media, at least in America, to the point of most people not really knowing who they are because they have to be fake to make a modicum of money. I used to live like that and I don’t anymore. I’m completely working in my truth and I always have what I need monetarily. Consequently, my health is improving. The Universe works that way. Just be yourself.
The glitches start to come when you’re afraid you’re not loveable to another…really. I speak from experience. None of our parents perfectly loved us and some even completely failed to love us by being abusive and neglectful. Meaning, human parents can only be expected to love their children on a very basic earth level of keeping you fed, clothed, warm, clean, and healthy because we live on a war-torn, evolving planet. On Earth, you’re fortunate if you have food to eat and someplace to defecate. Throw some warm affection in there and that’s actually great. I think most parents succeed in this but some really were in no position to have children and you showed up. Someone can tell you that none of it was your fault but it doesn’t feel that way. That’s where having a relationship with Spirit and your Intuition comes in to heal that. You can use talk therapy until the cows come home but you also need to move the energy in your body which is what bodywork and a healthy workout are for. Counseling can teach you things and help you move your mind around but your literal energy in your body needs to be moved as well on a level of manifestation.
The subconscious mind is patterned with a deficit because the mother and father set those patterns. The good news is, over time and with focused habit, your conscious mind as a soul can overstep the subconscious mind so that you sit in soul truth. Who you are as an eternal soul are the feelings to run and they are unique to each person. The risk is when you start being intimate emotionally and physically with someone, those unconscious memories of not being loved well as needed by your parents start to come up. Again, I speak from experience.
I have completely pivoted on this. Even if I am a lover, friend, committed and living with someone, in no way will I become dependent on them or feel I can control or change them. I know how to nurture and love myself. I don’t want, in any way, to relate to them the way I did to a family member. Nor do I need to do that anymore. That pivot will put you out the outside leading edge. Just a flag to you. You will start to be internally healthy, happy, and independent when most people aren’t.
I believe that this is the only way an adult relationship can succeed is if you are both self-actualized adults and no longer responding emotionally the way you did in your family. Maybe once in a while, it may unconsciously surface, but it’s your responsibility to see that it’s rare and to love your partner or friend as much as you love yourself. That’s true love. Obviously, you have to look in the mirror and love yourself first.
Heartset; What is Connection?
A connection is an affinity, ease of communication, an understanding of another person, a desire to get to know someone better, the real possibility of a lasting friendship, and for women, respect. For men, it’s a huge turn-off to contemplate respecting a woman although most won’t admit it.
A connection does not denote love, being in love, physical attraction, desire for sex, desire to get married, desire to live with you, dreaming of a future, desire for a boyfriend, an attempt to control the other person, or dependency. Just because a guy feels a connection to a woman he really…should not freak out in fear that she’s going to control him with her feminine ways and make him give her babies. Or, post-reproduction, make him grow up and face and express his feelings. Most of us are too busy to try to control you. We ask that you organize yourselves. That’s usually asking too much though.
Interdependent connection between a woman and a man means you each have your own lives, take responsibility for knowing and expressing how you feel, making your own physical appointments, have boundaries that you agree on for privacy, but depend on each other for whatever you’re comfortable with which is usually quite a bit; affection, sex, sharing food duties, household chores, and child and pet care. Personally, though, I think couples need to have their own money and manage it themselves but sometimes merging it makes a bigger pile obviously. However, spending priorities can cause a divorce so, in that case, keep it separate.
I happened to be sitting next to a guy at a bar several months ago and he got a text from a woman he’d been dating. He told me she was really hot (like I need to know that. He wanted me to know that). She had just texted that she was willing to help him decorate his new place. He complained to me that that was intrusive and overcontrolling of her. I just shook my head. Men. You overinterpret us just being nice, way too much. We just like to do girly stuff.
You also make an awful lot of dumb assumptions about our sexual prowess and skill-based on our body shape and size. That’s like assuming an orange that’s bigger than the other ones won’t taste as good pulling it off the tree when it truth, it will likely be sweeter and juicier! Your loss dude. Think through stuff more. A smart woman in life is a smart woman in bed, no matter her size. And if she’s smart, she’ll be detached in her feelings and won’t necessarily want you to stay. We independent types like the whole bed to ourselves. You’re programmed to prefer thin women and that’s just dumb.
Another guy I sat next to one time pointed out a large-sized waitress and said, “She looks good to me. It makes me hungry looking at her.” I’m thinking, “Does he see her as a roast chicken and potatoes or a human being?” I mean really! It would have been funny if it wasn’t so stupid! Again, I shook my head.
Women have given up on all of that. A simple connection means you guys stay calm enough, nixing the drama and fear, that we can have your short attention span for maybe ten minutes? Most women won’t settle for that anymore and many women are just going to women; lesbianism. The only women left who want you will be women that want babies and that will be all they want from you if that’s the only skill you’ve developed. But if you flirt, don’t lie about it and act like you haven’t. All guys flirt even just to see how far he can get, even if he doesn’t mean it. But if you flirt, and we flirt back, you better deliver dude.
Most women are independent, not dependent. Women “act” dependent for your ego. That’s it. Most women have an education and know they need to have their own money because let’s face it; most of the time you use your money to try to control us. No woman wants to be controlled and penniless. There’s no room for love to grow there and no security for us. All women want love before anything else but many women have compromised for so long, not having the connection and affection they need that they’re out of touch with their body. Just sex is just the worst for us. It’s Mcdrive-thru Sex. Horrid. It also tells us you aren’t very bright. Only dogs just fuck and eat fast food for God’s sake.
I’ve known more than one man who I had friendship and affinity with and flirting, run the other way because I returned it. I’m mystified. We’re not supposed to like you back or you split? Are we just supposed to stand there, bask in it, and look pretty, never say anything smart and let you control every aspect of the relationship to your comfort level because you’re so insecure? That’s the only way you’ll come back or stick around? Oh well then, see ya!
Heartset; Inspiration Is Just Competition
We are our own best friend or our own worst enemy.
Sometimes being inspired by someone just means you want to compete with them. Competition is a bit of an illusion because there is plenty to go around and you can’t compare two people’s lives to each other. Thus, there is no real competition. We’re all very different and have paid the piper different amounts based on our choices. Ultimately, we’re competing with a vision of who we want to be and who we really are, so be careful projecting that onto others. Just look in the mirror and be honest with yourself if you really want power over your life.