Prose; Rear View Mirror


rear view mirror

I was looking straight ahead, as usual, driving my car.

I very rarely look at the car behind me in my rearview mirror.

For some reason, this time I did.

She was alone in her car with sunglasses on.  I tried not to stare because somehow, I could tell she was upset.

I must have had my empathic radar on again because she looked normal for ten seconds.

I kept glancing back though.

Ok, now she was crying very hard.

I could tell by the shape of her lips as she was trying to control herself and wiping under her eyes beneath the sunglasses.

So many questions and pictures went through my mind.

Did she just get a call from the hospital that her son had gotten into a car accident?

Did one of her parents just die?

Then she started hitting the passenger seat and crying while we sat at the red light.

Being the kind of person I am, I wished I could let her know I wanted to reach out to her somehow.

When she got angry and hit the seat, that caused me to think her husband either asked for a divorce, she caught him with another woman, or her boyfriend text broke up with her.

Then the light turned green.

I wondered all of that, seeing something I’ve never seen before all in a space of forty-five seconds.

I hope she’s ok but I’ll never know.

Prose; Publishing Joy


I feel like my baby is about to go off to college.

I’m about to publish my first book and it’s almost time to let it go,

No longer able to control where it goes in the ethers,

Out into the world, warts and all,

Fresh, innocent, never having smelled a book store (yeah right)

Never having gone through the digital or paper mill…

Does that hurt?

My memories, feelings, occurrences, family secrets, pictures,

losses, dates, intimacies, grandparents, babies lost, tears cried,

Oh my god!!!!  Why did I write this memoir????

Stop the presses!  I can’t do this!!!!

I can’t put all of the truths of my life out into the public for perusal and criticism!

Not that anyone will care…but my life has been interesting hasn’t it?

I wrote it so it sounded interesting….yes I did.

Why did I listen to my FRIEND????  She said, “Lisa, write a memoir”

after hearing me tell stories.

Well, what if no one ELSE is the least bit interested?

This is nail-biting territory if anyone reads it.

I seriously do have many mind-bender stories.

What if people think I’m nuts?

There’s no such thing as bad press.

I’m just…a little nervous I guess.

impublishingmymemoir

 

 

Prose; Shadow


 

beautiful tree

I obscure my darkness to walk through life content, shadow feelings under the bed.

Convoluted darkness just below my navel only, my prescient dreams adumbrate what my body holds in, refusing to release its undulating grasp like a cranky child crying, needing attention and touch.

Male progenitor, emotional vampire and…ironically, my ally as a bridge to freedom in the face of neglectful, unfeeling, autocratic child-bearer.

Tremulous adolescence, when the course succor so needed is vacuous at best,

Cynical vexation felt so keenly in their insensitivity to my easily affected, young, psychic heart. They didn’t even know what the fuck psychic was because it wasn’t in the bible.

What could I have been?

What happy life could I have had if their crispy, mucous eyes had been open a crack?

That shadow feeling could spiral me down so quickly if I focused on it, so I only do it here

for release…because it’s bullshit, and my life is not bullshit, so I’m not filling it with that.

What is more helical bullshit that parental ignorance with an innocent, lovely child born in light and returning to light?

How twisted and contorted can adults get following societies rules, books, beliefs, and materialistic hysteria when they have in front of them a free soul, their child, needing only love by degrees, free roam by yards, food by weight and expression without limit?

The shadow of light is a contrast as a lesson

I’m using it to soar to the heights,

To rip asunder familial right to the soul of a child.

No more,

Whether in love or delusion

each child belongs to themselves only.

Just as roots do not dictate how far, wide and what direction a tree will grow,

so too, shadow roots deep below the ground only hold it in place while the wind, sky, and sun call us ever higher to dance with all of life above ground, storm and calm, for as long as we wish to live.

I hail from you but I am not you.

Feb. 8, 2017, Yellow 13 Warrior

 

Prose; The Garden Lies Fallow


The night was lovely,

As soon as he walked in the door we wanted to inhale each other…raw attraction for months now.  Sometimes you wait to see if it goes away.   It’s not going away.

But we didn’t go there because we’re “developing” our bond so that we’re both emotionally happy with ourselves and feeling centered…

So, I contained the tide of passion for the next forty-five minutes.

We sat on the couch, looked each other in the eye, so hot, talked about our kids, so warm and loving, opened Christmas gifts to each other on January 18 and drank peppermint tea.

We were each charmed with our mutual bestowals.

This was loving and literate foreplay between two artists.  Not to lead to sex exactly, but very possibly and very mutually.

This was heart foreplay, not to be taken lightly.  I kept talking and he stopped me mid-sentence and started the delicious kissing before he had to leave.

Why is he starting the kissing before he has to leave?  Why?

Then he half picked me up and threw me on the couch!!!!

I felt like a startled cat and giggled like a fresh teenager.

Mind you, we’ve already been intimate, but I’m an artist.  I’m a lover, an authentic, intelligent woman, warm, sensitive, deep.  No regular man is going to do for me.  This has to be an…

eccentric…

super intelligent…

foxy face…

a strong body…

sweet, wonderful kisses.

I love his hair and his lips.

So….back to the story.

Wow…we had these little whisper chats with each other…

Ahhhhh, it was all good, as he lay next to me but…

He has a sort of broken heart, the kind of disconsolate, forlorn vibe that starts to sink like a rock and close the heart shutter that started to burst open.

I am… so aware of what that is.

It warns a man…don’t…go there…she will eat you alive…

I swear, I wonder if that’s what he thinks.

It could be other emotions but we women, or maybe just me, sometimes think that men are heartless.

This one isn’t.  He’s a writer too.

He has to mend his broken heart and I totally, absolutely, understand

that demolished rupture, the broken mirror, the belief in self that

just says…I don’t love myself enough to love you.

I feel like a failure.  I’m not good enough for you.

It’s the trouble with the world.

How epidemic is the guilt, the sorrow, the cynicism, the pain______

And the woman’s garden lies fallow.

You can march and resist all you want about this man who is supposed to be our leader who grabs and insults women.  Most men are like him…not connected to their heart and addicted to something.  It’s the men’s fate.  Most women act from their hearts.  It’s in our bodies.

I think each woman just needs to be loved by a man (or woman) with an open heart who we can love in return and I really doubt it exists.

Religion teaches men to hate women unless they marry them and then control them. Then they feel even more free to hate them.

It’s never going to work.  Men are based in ego and women are based in love.

stock-footage-alone-man-standing-on-the-seashore

 

 

 

Everyday Spirituality; How I Hook Up To Source Energy


fall leaves

Well, first off, as it is on Earth for most people, the losses, traumas, and deaths pile up to the point where you might not want to be here anymore. I m just being honest.  Sometimes we all feel like it’s ridiculous, like this last election cycle.  WTH?  Then I check in with myself and say, “Nope, I m still having fun, enjoy my body, sex, food, friends, my son, my work, the seasons, music, you name it.”

My question in the midst of it is, “How can I make sense of this suffering I witness most others going through and my own?”  The first thing I do is realize were all in this together. No one, anywhere, is immune from the soul lessons here. I don’t believe in fortunate or unfortunate, lucky or unlucky. Don’t ya think we make our own fortune by our choices?  It’s a big well we can dip into with our mind and heart. When I dip into that well, that’s how I connect to Source.

It’s universal to want to connect emotionally and physically to others. I feel that is an inclination from Source and I let my body feel it. Making art together, cooperating, joining together for a just cause. All of that connects us to Source because Source is in us.

I don’t recommend feeling sorry for yourself for too long or you won’t get the wisest use out of your limited time in the body. Everyone goes through the dark night of the soul. You could use that experience to grow. Feel the depth of it, go into those emotions and what other people think of your “negativity” be damned while you’re figuring it out.  I did it by myself and called on my friends. I didn’t use a counselor, although you could.  I journal and I wrote a book.

I’ve been hooking to Source energy every day for about 25 years now in all of those varied ways.  I make sure I live in a peaceful, non-violent environment. I eat well and exercise so I like my body and can feel its rhythms. In this way, I can watch my breath as I close my eyes and drop my mental focus. Now I pay attention to every body part starting at the head and going down. I have a body balancing technique I use that includes color and Reiki.

I affirm to Spirit/God that I m here to serve and love all life. I affirm that I promise to love myself as best I can in order to do that.  I give myself permission to detach from people that are not loving or loving to me or don’t like me, then do something called “bless and release” instead of cursing or hating them. If I focus/pray about one person, a flood of intuitions come in about that person because I am in receive mode from Source. I see people and events unfold like a movie and it’s been happening all of my life. I note all of that in my memory.

I wish well for everything in front of me no matter what state it’s in. I ask for a revelation on specific issues on which I have a question and always listen for the answer. The universe knows I listen and respect them💜. They impart information to those that believe and listen.

So, love and take care of yourself, join with others doing something creative that you love, accept that everyone goes through a dark night of the soul and you’re not alone, have as much freaking sex with whoever you want to stay healthy, and follow your intuition.  Don’t hesitate to walk away from people who don’t get you or don’t like you.  You’ll know because you’ll feel bad around them.

You can rampage it on this planet and be free. It’s not worth it to follow, obey, or sit it out because it’s going to be over before long anyway.