Shadow


 

I obscure my darkness to walk through life content, shadow feelings under the bed.

Convoluted darkness just below my navel only,

My prescient dreams adumbrate what my

body holds in, refusing to release its undulating grasp

like a cranky child crying, needing attention and touch.

Male proginator, emotional vampire and…ironically,

my ally as a bridge to freedom in the face of neglectful, unfeeling, autocratic child bearer.

Tremulous adolescence, when the course succor so needed is vacuous at best,

Cynical vexation felt so keenly in their insensitivity to my easily affected, young, psychic heart.

They didn’t even know what the fuck psychic was if it wasn’t in the bible.

 

What could I have been?

What happy life could I have had if their crispy, mucous eyes had been open a crack?

That shadow feeling could spiral me down so quickly if I focused on it, so I only do it here

for release…because it’s bullshit, and my life is not bullshit, so I’m not filling it with that.

What is more helical bullshit that parental ignorance with an innocent, lovely child born in light and returning to light?

How twisted and contorted can adults get following societies rules, books, beliefs and materialistic hysteria when they have in front of them a free soul, their child, needing only love by degrees, free roam by yards, food by weight and expression without limit?

The shadow of light is a contrast as lesson

I’m using it to soar to the heights,

To rip asunder familial right to the soul of a child.

 

No more,

Whether in love or delusion

each child belongs to themselves only.

Just as roots do not dictate how far, wide and what direction a tree will grow,

so too, shadow roots deep below the ground only hold it in place while the wind, sky, and sun call us ever higher to dance with all of life above ground, storm and calm, for as long as we wish to live.

I hail from you but I am not you.

beautiful tree

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Getting Lost


I loved that, as soon as I walked in the door, quite a bit late, you were concerned that I’d gotten lost or in trouble or something.

Melt.  Kiss.

Mmmmm.  That’s the good stuff.  I’m going there and staying there.  Good memory in my brain.  No one can take it away.  Keep piles of those in a drawer for a rainy day.

 

orange desert flower

Instead of watching the Inaugural…


I ratcheted up the volume and sang and followed the lyrics to R.E.M. “Ignoreland” just to get it out for two minutes.  How long has this been going on?  I’m trying to imagine how the hippies who were born in the 50’s are feeling.  I was born in 1963 and we still had all kinds of reasons to resist, and did.  I’m doing inner anarchy with love now and it’s changed my life and others lives.  I think it happens one person at a time.  It seems like a slow slog but patience is a virtue.  Keep your own peace.

The Garden Lies Fallow


The night was lovely,

As soon as he walked in the door we wanted to inhale each other…raw attraction for months now.  Sometimes you wait to see if it goes away.   It’s not going away.

But we didn’t go there because we’re “developing” our bond so that we’re both emotionally happy with ourselves and feeling centered…

So, I contained the tide of passion for the next forty five minutes.

We sat on the couch, looked each other in the eye, so hot, talked about our kids, so warm and loving, opened Christmas gifts to each other on January 18 and drank peppermint tea.

We were each charmed with our mutual bestowals.

This was loving and literate foreplay between two artists.  Not to lead to sex exactly, but very possibly and very mutually.

This was heart foreplay, not to be taken lightly.  I kept talking and he stopped me mid-sentence and started the delicious kissing before he had to leave.

Why is he starting the kissing before he has to leave?  Why?

Then he half picked me up and threw me on the couch!!!!

I felt like a startled cat and giggled like a fresh teenager.

Mind you, we’ve already been intimate, but I’m an artist.  I’m a lover, an authentic, intelligent woman, warm, sensitive, deep.  No regular man is going to do for me.  This has to be an…

eccentric…

super intelligent…

foxy face…

a strong body…

sweet, wonderful kisses.

I love his hair and his lips.

So….back to the story.

Wow…we had these little whisper chats with each other…

Ahhhhh, it was all good, as he lay next to me but…

He has a sort of broken heart, the kind of disconsolate, forlorn vibe that starts to sink like a rock and close the heart shutter that started to burst open.

I am… so aware of what that is.

It warns a man…don’t…go there…she will eat you alive….

I swear, I wonder if that’s what he thinks.

It could be other emotions but we women, or maybe just me, sometimes think that men are heartless.

This one isn’t.  He’s a writer too.

He has to mend his broken heart and I totally, absolutely, understand

that demolished rupture, the broken mirror, the belief in self that

just says…I don’t love myself enough to love you.

I feel like a failure.  I’m not good enough for you.

It’s the trouble with the world.

How epidemic is the guilt, the sorrow, the cynicism, the pain______

 

And the woman’s garden lies fallow.

You can march and resist all you want about this man who is supposed to be our leader who grabs and insults women.  Most men are like him…not connected to their heart and addicted to something.  It’s the men’s fate.  Most women act from their hearts.  It’s in our bodies.

I think each woman just needs to be loved by a man (or woman) with an open heart who we can love in return and I really doubt it exists.

Religion teaches men to hate women unless they marry them and then control them. Then they feel even more free to hate them.

It’s never going to work.  Men are based in ego and women are based in love.

(Sigh)

stock-footage-alone-man-standing-on-the-seashore

 

 

 

The Problem with Adoring Each Other


Part of the new compassionate, Spiritual/Holistic paradigm is loving myself, loving my body, and experiencing joy in taking care of myself.  Instead of valuing sacrificial suffering that hails the hoard onward, I’m happy and grounded, even if it’s like a dried up sweet pea hanging on its vine. I’m stalking all of that in my life as we speak to make a case for spring in the middle of winter.  The assembled energy I have is diametrically opposite that of needing the validation of an amassed group of imposters pretending to agree so they can drink together later. It’s not that I don’t like the group, or that I don’t occasionally have a very dry martini, I just don’t viscerally need the group.  They get exhumed energy from each other; even demand it threatening social castigation, as though there would be any real loss there.  I obtain energy from Source in me.  I just talked about that in my previous blog.  I live alone, have no mate and no boyfriend to muddle my mind.  I haven’t figured out how to affix myself to a rumbling male in my present condition.  In addition, my mephitic eighteen year old son will be moving out of the house soon to go on his way to sow his oats and beans.  My peaceful environment is proliferating.

As I think back on the men/mates I’ve adored and who have adored me, as vain as that sounds, it was called love at the time and then it turned into territorial civil war and possessive jealously.  I’m pretty sure that uncorked behavior is common and some couples like it that way but some don’t.  I don’t.

It’s just that, in this new paradigm of sitting in your body and owning yourself, that adoration doesn’t feel like its all it’s cracked up to be.  It feels as though I’ve forged an alliance with a fawning cat whose nursing by pushing it’s paws into my chest.  Maybe it’s just the mood I’m in.  When a man starts to adore me he wants to own me, my time, and my body, like a pet!  That’s been my experience with every man I’ve been with except this last guy I dated.  He left me in the dog house neglected, but at least he didn’t bug me.  I know there are all the ideals about giving your mate the space they need, but then the real emotions of amorous desire creep in.

“I want you”, “I adore you”, “I need you”, “I love you”, “I miss you” becomes a medieval prison!  I used to think I wanted to be adored by a man with high self-esteem and all the pheromones I need to be turned on, but now I’m not so sure.  I love my life, my work, my friends, and my home.  Maybe all of that adoration would be oppressive!  I’d have to respond after all or that would be rude.

What it reminds me of are the old paradigms of patriarchy and matriarchy.  Our current paradigm, patriarchy, is based on the man having the most power in every situation and he wants to adore the woman who is his goddess.  Well, I like the goddess myths well enough, but daily life isn’t so much a myth as a dirge.  So the woman is supposed to keep herself as this adorable object that the man possesses, like Melania Trump.  This is, “let him chase you and initiate action” belief.  In this paradigm, Meryl Streep, according to Trump, is over rated in every way and he’d like her to sit down and shut up.  It accounts for “Bubba” and fascist misogynist type men.  In my view, it’s repugnant-but there are all levels of men on the misogynist scale based on culture and economics.  They like to see a busty woman laying over the hood of a car and probably like to fix cars.  I hope I’m not being too biased.  They emotionally need women to stay beneath them, in a bikini, gratefully riding in the passenger seat.  There are plenty of women willing to do that because they all voted for Trump.

Then there is the very old paradigm of matriarchy where the woman held power over the man. I wonder how she did that?  Mind you, it’s no less imbalanced than patriarchy.  In the old days, the very old days, the woman held the most power in every situation and she wanted to adore the man.  So the man was supposed to keep himself as an adorable object that the woman possessed and bossed around.  It makes me shudder.  The belief here was, “Woman picks the man and she initiates action”.  That doesn’t sound very sexy to me.  It seems to me that some young women might be trying to swing back to that these days. Many women still operate this way.  I was raised to operate this way toward men and I’m really seeing it in myself.  I don’t like it, or the patriarchal way.  Now I feel stuck in the twisted middle.

So as I ponder the newly forged spiritual paradigm of gender balance of power.  I wonder how this is going to affect the evolved brew of sexual tension necessary  between women and men to make things burn?  I guess the birth rate will decrease as projected by the social scientists and more adults will remain consumers of single servings in the frozen aisle.

 

male-female

How I Hook Up To Source Energy


Well, first off, as it is on Earth for most people, the losses, traumas, and deaths pile up to the point where you might not want to be here anymore. I m just being honest.  Sometimes we all feel like it’s ridiculous, like this last election cycle.  WTH?  Then I check in with myself and say, “Nope, I m still having fun, enjoy my body, sex, food, friends, my son, my work, the seasons, music, you name it.”

My question in the midst of it is, “How can I make sense of this suffering I witness most others going through and my own?”  The first thing I do is realize were all in this together. No one, anywhere, is immune from the soul lessons here. I don’t believe in fortunate or unfortunate, lucky or unlucky. Don’t ya think we make our own fortune by our choices?  Its a big well we can dip into with our mind and heart. When I dip into that well, that’s how I connect to Source.

It’s universal to want to connect emotionally and physically to others. I feel that is an inclination from Source and I let my body feel it. Making art together, cooperating, joining together for a just cause. All of that connects us to Source because Source is in us.

I don’t recommend feeling sorry for yourself for too long or you won’t get the wisest use out of your limited time in the body. Everyone goes through the dark night of the soul. You could use that experience to grow. Feel the depth of it, go into those emotions and what other people think of your “negativity” be damned while you’re figuring it out.  I did it by myself and called on my friends. I didn’t use a counselor, although you could.  I journal and I wrote a book.

I’ve been hooking to Source energy every day for about 25 years now in all of those varied ways.  I make sure I live in a peaceful, non-violent environment. I eat well and exercise so I like my body and can feel its rhythms. In this way I can watch my breath as I close my eyes and drop my mental focus. Now I pay attention to every body part starting at the head and going down. I have a body balancing technique I use that includes color and Reiki.

I affirm to Spirit/God that I m here to serve and love all life. I affirm that I promise to love myself as best I can in order to do that.  I give myself permission to detach from people that are not loving or loving to me or don’t like me, then do something called “bless and release” instead of cursing or hating them. If I focus/pray about one person, a flood of intuitions come in about that person because I am in receive mode from Source. I see people and events unfold like a movie and it’s been happening all of my life. I note all of that in my memory.

I wish well for everything in front of me no matter what state it’s in. I ask for revelation on specific issues on which I have a question and always listen for the answer. The universe knows I listen and respect them💜. They impart information to those that believe and listen.

So, love and take care of yourself, join with others doing something creative that you love, accept that everyone goes through dark night of the soul and you’re not alone, have as much freaking sex with whoever you want to stay healthy, and follow your intuition.  Don’t hesitate to walk away from people who don’t get you or don’t like you.  You’ll know because you’ll feel bad around them.

You can rampage it on this planet and be free. It’s not worth it to follow, obey, or sit it out because it’s going to be over before long anyway.

fall leaves

Growth


It’s not very sexy is it…that word.  It sounds very serious to me.  It doesn’t matter how it sounds though because it’s an inevitable part of life.

Most of us like to have fun.  Life is fraught with enough negative media, break-ups, death, grovelling for money and head banging over college exams and getting along with professors.  It’s important to take breaks, go for walks, have some tea, dance, listen to music that makes you happy and want to move.  I do all of those things to be happy in the midst of challenges, which will frankly, never end until we’re done with this life.

But there is another kind of growth.  The kind where your heart is involved, reasonably so, but your mind assesses the situation and there is doubt.  We make a very big deal in our culture about agreement, affinity, and a meeting of the minds.  We’ve all been in enough relationships to know that you are never going to agree 100% on everything when you are mated or in a close friendship.  This is one of the biggest challenges in life and the one that precipitates the most growth for my soul.  It also causes the most angst.  I think that is sexy but that’s because I’m a soulful woman.

Destiny plays a hand here.  What lessons did you come to learn as a soul?  What do you need to push through?  Can you feel that certain people are good for you to be around and others are not?  That is the case.  “That’s NOT the kind of person I need to learn anything from!”  If you can say that right away about someone, there ya have it!  But with others, it’s not so simple.  You might not agree with them many times but you love them and you have no idea why.  I think it’s a gift.

If you’ve ever loved someone who is very different from you or at a very different place in their life, it feels mysterious.  I wonder why I’m drawn to that person.  I really don’t have a lot in common but just some.  Maybe we have things in common that we don’t even know about yet.  But what is superficial?; Political party, the past, and how much money we make as long as it’s enough to live or thrive as the case may be, style, culture.  So don’t discuss the superficial things then.

What is important is whether or not our hearts are open and we care for people. Do we have faith in something eternal or at least something bigger than ourselves? Do we take care of and love our bodies (health)? Do we abide by the law?  Do we want to improve our minds? I would say these are foundation issues in friendship and love.

I have lost all of the mates I’ve had so much in common with; either through divorce or death equally.  That’s not what keeps people together.  I believe it’s destiny and love that is the glue.  Then I just have to roll with it because everyone has a choice in these matters.fall leaves

 

Our Veneer


The veneer on a piece of furniture can appear many ways.  It can be layers of paint, different stains, all of it peeling off maybe.  There can even be gashes and dent to the wood underneath.

What the wood is underneath is the truth and it’s rarely seen.  It’s the heart of the matter.  It’s how the piece of furniture looked at it’s founding; it’s construction done by the carpenters hand.  I love watching that progress and how the wood smells.

When I look at any piece of furniture that has been stained or painted, I always wonder what the grain of the wood looks like underneath and what type of wood it is.  Then I wonder who built it and in what year and for whom they may have built it.

All of our social media; facebook, twitter, instagram, on and on, are veneer of humans.  We are all projecting a public image that we want others to think is true of us.  It’s the image that we are comfortable with others seeing.  It is the truth regarding how we express ourselves but it’s partial.  It serves to protect our deepest emotions and events of our lives from being too visible, too vulnerable.  Maybe we are aligning with a group that “fixes” all that was wrong with our mother or father instead of aligning with our true selves in group settings.

I actually accept that about others.  The reason being…underneath we are all innocent children that have had to learn to cope in certain family dynamics and fundamental societal expectations where most of the time, no one asked us what we wanted or how we felt.  They just told us what we should do.  Knowing and obeying those parameters helped us survive, kept us alive even.  So we view that compromise as fundamentally good.  But it is surviving, not thriving.  That’s how the veneer starts.  Most of the veneer comes from religion, state schools, and our family.

It’s something to keep in mind when you communicate on social media.  There is no way you’re getting an authentic picture of a person on any of those sites.  We all cling to religions and political parties that we feel emotionally comfortable with culturally.  That doesn’t mean that a person who is opposite of you doesn’t have a good heart or a stable mind.  It’s amazing how convinced we can be of how right we are when we surround ourselves with people who agree with us.

It’s not about a group being right or wrong.  It’s about caring to know who people really are underneath, listening, and being authentic ourselves.  We’re called to love-not to judge…anyone…ever…for any reason.

foggy-autumn