brought to my knees


Rumi Water

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.”― Abraham Lincoln

Sometimes memories go deeply away into the unconscious like a rabid dragon.

But sometimes they rear their grotesque head and fill my colorless brain in the morning.

My 16-year-old son, coming in the front door and dropping to his knees, weeping, after seeing his Dad for one of the last times before he died. They had a little sacramental exchange showing they were bonded forever head to heart.

It’s four years extinct but there is a harrowing rock between my throat and my heart that wells up bereaved tears into my eyes and makes my mangled heart break, wondering where all the music in the house went? His dad was a musician. And what of my son’s future without his father?

Three months later my fiance died, dropped to floor at the hospital from the flu and never came back awake. I felt like I was going to die standing there. I felt my fledgling spirit try to leave my body. Some friendly phantasm kept me there and I just went into numbing shock while a hospital helper offered me an innocuous sandwich. I thought I was going to throw up my soul. How could she offer me a sandwich? It was very odd to me.

Why am I even still here?

Death is always around me but I am full of Life. What vortex do I live in that protects me in this fragile dimension? My own.

A prophetic, intuitive one that takes great joy in serving my fellows and honing my vital body. Still, that doesn’t stop the sudden onslaught of being brought to my knees with grief and awe at what I’ve been through but still alive.

Well, part of me is not. Part of me died with them.

The death of someone you love is not something you get over it’s something you live with and becomes part of your saliferous breath. Life is not a happy merry-go-round for most of us and there’s no point in pretending.

 

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Don’t Make Any Promises


GIFT from Raul for my birthday 2017

Flesh together…

Music playing in wide, open, complex harmonies,

Refulgent breeze brushing your pungent thighs,

Kisses as warm and true as the sun,

My breath is your breath

Just don’t make any promises because tomorrow comes

And everything changes on the turn of a dime.

Don’t yearn for anybody but yourself because you are all you’re assured of.

Attach to that.

Don’t say “No.” to me because I’m right.

People disappear within minutes as do things of Earth.

It is true folly to hold on tight to anything or anybody.

Just let go, let the wind blow,

And don’t make any promises to me.

3/24/19

“I Love You”


hot-fudge-brownie-with

Mmmm, brownies are so good…for a while.

What some people mean by “I love you” is that they are envious, jealous, and covet everything you’ve worked hard to become, and paid an earthly price for. It’s kind of like a brownie you want to eat. You don’t love the brownie, you want to consume and use the brownie for the sugar high, for free if possible. And then you hate the brownie when your sugar crashes.

Then the claim of inspiration comes when really it’s competition. “You inspire me so much! Thank you.” You know they feel uncomfortable or competitive around you if you never hear from them and they don’t want to hang out with you. And if you do hear from them with a smile on their face, they eventually start ripping away at your soul with their addiction self-hate to try to bring you down. Or the conversation turns to offload and they want you to listen to everything about them and refuse to balance the conversation by asking you how you are and listening to you, realizing that you are a human being with needs. As long as it’s back and forth, it’s not offloading. Friends need each other to listen to each other sometimes. I only have two friends like that and they are both men. No women will be reciprocal friends with me and reach out to me. I always have to reach out to them and I’m not doing it anymore.

There is no short cut through others to loving and knowing who you are. I’m not eating that brownie. Once a month I might, but not usually. Loving yourself starts with making the choice to eat nutritious foods and making choices that are good for you because you value your body and your life. That includes being around people who reciprocate because they are capable of caring.

brave or broken?


broken_heart1Sometimes broken passes for brave when in truth, every day you live with a full cup at the feet of a Universe that loves and watches over every one of us equally and asks us to always have an open heart to serve our fellows. In the end, we are all ONE. It’s ok to be broken. It’s the heart of a warrior. Respect is called for, not pity.

Affinity blogging; Find humor in the crazy situation and set yourself free — joypassiondesire


“My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.” – Jim Carrey This is such a wonderful quote because it takes the edge off the pain. Instead of wallowing in your suffering and feeling sorry for yourself, find humor in this crazy situation and allow […]

via Find humor in the crazy situation and set yourself free — joypassiondesire

I can really relate to this post. In my Deep t.Issue Therapy and Reiki office I try to keep the mood light, smile and laugh. However, my patients are coming in with serious pain, health, and sometimes emotional issues. Once I get into their deep tissue, either talking, stories, or in the case of Reiki, tears start to flow. I am detached as a practitioner but it’s a part of my job I’m learning to accept even though I prefer to have fun.

You see, as much as I agree with Jim Carrey and do it myself, my patients have been through the wringer and I have to walk a tightrope. Every day I have to use my intuition with a patient and modify my approach.

Intuition is Biological


if you're intuitive you're highly intelligent

Sara Griffiths is a writer for The Daily Mail in the U.K. She wrote this article.

Intuition is Biological

Lower exposure to testosterone in the womb gives females an extra ‘sense’

  • Scientists describe intuition as automatic, unconscious thought, while reflexive thought requires conscious analysis and takes more effort
  • A University of Granada-led study carried out a test on 600 students to see whether men are less intuitive than women
  • They looked at the ‘digital ratio’ – an indication of prenatal testosterone levels – that compares the length of two fingers
  • Men have a lower ratio and responded in a more reflexive way in the test, while women gave more intuitive answers indicating intuition is biological

That said, some men have low testosterone and some women have it higher. So, the issue is not gender but testosterone level.

Scientists describe intuition as thoughts that are processed unconsciously and automatically, requiring little cognitive effort, while reflexive thought requires conscious analysis and takes more effort. Intuitive thoughts are considered to be more emotional, while analytical thoughts are more rational.

The last suggestion is incorrect and a false dichotomy. It’s actually been proven that reductionist, rational analysis is slower and less efficient. Intuition is emotional and rational but the person doesn’t indulge in either one. Both of those just flow like a river. The intuition uses the entire brain, both hemispheres, left and right, rational and creative to illuminate reason. Intuition is a high level of reasoning. Intuitive people also have higher intelligence and reasoning ability.

It is repression or denial of emotion that shuts off reasoning ability. Emotions have been proven to be uploaded to every cell of the body via the amino acid peptides. Your body has to read what’s going on emotionally or you could die. If you’re engaging in an activity or thought pattern that is destructive and you don’t allow your body to read it’s emotion in response to it, you’re in danger. Men do this all the time with their bodies and drop over. It’s also part of post-war PTSD. They pump up their testosterone to overstep their intuition and it essentially makes them lose their mind. Of course, women do it to trying to have more power in a patriarchal system. They think that mimicking men will make them better than everyone else but not very many women do because it’s SO antithesis to our natural body flow.

Intuitive thinking is quicker and makes more sense. All men and women need to hone their intuition to increase their intelligence and reasoning ability. It’s a no-brainer. Or shall I say, a whole-brainer?

 

 

 

For Others Benefit


notmypeople

It’s safe to say it’s easy to lose respect for someone that doesn’t like or respect how you process your feelings or for men who don’t process their feelings at all. It always comes out in the body silently; usually in an eating disorder or some other illness. The person doesn’t have to say a word and many times won’t because they’re being harassed for who they are naturally by some around them. Its already been proven that the feelings and thoughts go directly into the cells of the body if a person can’t discuss it or say it for fear of more offloading from others. There’s nowhere else for it to go. Here is my article on it with page numbers that will refer you to the specific lab tests done at the NIH proving it!

Emotion carrying peptides in our bodies cells

EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS FEELINGS WHETHER THEY’RE AWARE OF THEM OR NOT. NO ONE IS 100% RATIONAL OR LEFT BRAINED ONLY. It’s a neurological impossibility. Therefore it’s a big human need for us to express our feelings, not just our thoughts or opinions all the time. That leads to a dead end; usually, a hypocritical one where you can say anything that’s expedient to sell something and then turn around in your private life and be exceedingly messed up. It’s almost expected in American culture to have a messed up private life.

People-who-call-you-names-only-say-it-because-they

Remember that name-calling by others is just your refusal to adjust for their benefit. Plus, they feel guilty about being who they are and are projecting it onto you. I personally have no shame or guilt. I know if I do something wrong (not on purpose but it’s still a mistake), I fix it either in myself or with the other person.  I’ve been called;

  • freak by my sister
  • different by my dad
  • too sensitive by my son’s father
  • defensive by my mom
  • lost
  • very talented
  • very smart
  • great singer with a unique voice
  • cool
  • good writer
  • unique
  • Princess (by my fiance Michael who died)
  • good hugger
  • hot and sweet
  • funny

You see it’s a mixed bag there but what is interesting are the people closest to me who know me best revile me and are hateful. That’s been going on my whole life. Halfway through my life now, I’ve realized there is no amount of love or patience that can heal a sick soul. I’m done. Also, note that the ones who say the worst things to you die early are already dead or ill. It’s their own self-loathing that makes them lash out and treat you like shit. They treat themselves like shit and it’s your duty to stay away from them and love yourself and keep improving, even if they are family members or especially because they are family members. That is what my book “Healer” is about.

It happens all the time and depending on the circumstances and how much you need to depend on the circumstances will decide whether you adjust or not. We are a social creature but our socializing is with all life, not just with humans. Many people are better friends with their pet than another human being. I totally get that. I feel that way about trees. Not squirrels though. They’re jerks. Robins are cool.

Humans are the most challenging life form with which to socialize because most are still functioning in the primate brain. Monkeys have been known to start fights on purpose, just because they feel like it, kill each other and then eat their own kind; cannibalism. That DNA is in all of us unless you are Rh negative blood type. It’s the Rhesus monkey factor. I believe it’s contributed to a host of anti-social behavioral problems in humans but it’s obvious it’s there. Rh negative folks are behaviorally very different than Rh positive.

I recommend that everyone find a way to express and develop your vision and creative self. You’ll need to get to work on it. Think positively about what you WANT to happen and don’t worry about what COULD happen. Those wishes and feelings are very powerful when applied to yourself. It’s worked gangbusters for me and really IS the intuition. Go for it! Do it silently unless you have a friend who really loves and takes care of themselves. Then they won’t attack you as your life and body improve. If you have just one person who says, “Awesome”, you’re fortunate.

 

What is Spirit?


VibrantHealth-2


When I can feel my breath and the warmth of my flesh,

When my memories of joy and pleasure enmesh.

When my anger calms and I hold my tongue,

I know it’s a higher mind bar none.

When lusty and fun, no thought for the other,

Takes over my mind I’m reigned in like a mother.

I don’t want ONE brownie, I want the whole pan,

No. That’s not loving yourself, damn!

If I had my dumb way, I’d do myself in,

Self-loathing, sabotage, abuse are great kin.

But Spirit informs me, breaks my cold heart,

I have no chance of bullshit to impart.

I’m shown who I am in the mirror each day,

Just one person, quite different who can do as she may.

The only purpose of life is to show love and forgiveness,

If you’re not doing that then there is no goodness.

 

Bonding instead of Possession


 

Prince Harry tribute to Princess DianaAccording to this picture, being physically alive is not a prerequisite to feeling bonded. Think about that. This is a common human experience all over the world; feeling the presence of and emotional bond to an ancestor who has died. Working with clients, I believe the emotional-spiritual bond humans feel to one another, family or not, are much stronger than the physical bond and certainly don’t include possession.

Shared values, personal affinity or sameness, sexual affinity, and complementary differences help us bond. If you’re reproducing at a young age, similar family upbringing and just basic lust, bond you very strongly to a person causing you to feel possessive. Just because you feel possessive doesn’t mean you actually can possess another human being. Human possession is actually slavery. People do buy one another mostly for sex and for employment. The latter is illegal and the former is not.

A physical lust bond is actually very essential in young couples for successful reproduction. The more sex you want to have and do have the more likely it is you’ll conceive. That said, once a woman has a child, her lust or desire for her husband markedly decreases and her emotional bond is super strong to her child just due to evolutionary mother love in the human brain. It’s actually the strongest type of real love on the planet as I think we all know. Mothers love their children with superhuman might. Fathers do too but it’s different since they didn’t create the baby in their body. I adore my son. I feel more bonded to my son than anyone on the planet and when he’s around it’s as though a part of me is in the house. That can actually be a pain in the butt because we’re very similar. My brain and thus my behavior goes into mama role. It’s very bizarre to observe in myself and feels very natural but automatic. It’s not a behavior I choose at all!

That said, amazingly, in no way do I feel I possess him nor have I EVER felt that I possess my son! His father and I raised him to possess himself and he does, even though he’s going through judging himself in a perfectionist manner at the age of twenty.

I think that possession is a misnomer because of our materialist based, capitalist system of ownership and human slavery. It’s not a minor issue because it’s the basis of legal marriage and taking someone else’s name. Men and women tend to behave as though they can control one another in a relationship which is completely unrealistic and offensive. This is where the resistance to possession comes from. It’s also a huge political issue that affects the status of everyone, including men that tend to feel controlled by women.

Let’s move to create bonding that includes freedom of movement, freedom to be yourself, freedom to express how you feel and freedom to express yourself sexually in different ways and stop talking about possessing or controlling anyone, even in a sexual relationship. The way I see it, bonding in love is a stronger force than possession or control anyway. You won’t feel the need to possess or control someone if the emotional bond is there. You also won’t feel the need to prescribe “monogamy” to it because if you are bonded and love someone you’ll want to be with them. And if you don’t, there isn’t enough sex with novel people in the world to satisfy your longing. Don’t kimiddleagekissingd yourself about that!

If you have bonded, your quality of life skyrockets! I’m going to have that which means I need a mate with whom I can feel emotionally bonded and passionate. Once there is a strong emotional bond, that can morph and change into spiritual affinity and you won’t even need to use the word loyalty because you’ll naturally be on the same page in terms of your values even as your body and emotions change. It’s all good.

 

 

 

An Expiration Date is Normal for Monogamy & Marriage


Divorced_couple_Credit_InesBazdar_via_wwwshutterstockcom_CNA_9_3_15

I’ve been married and divorced three times and I don’t regret any of it. All three of my husbands were brilliant, adoring men who tend to be what I prefer. I’m not an easy woman to live with because I’m passionate, freedom loving, willful, very physical, and intelligent. I’m pretty much a wild filly although when people see me, they assume I’m a chump or a pushover because I’m full of love, warmth and feminine energy. That’s all true until you cross my line. I’m very patient and will discuss anything and everything until I see you’re immature or not reciprocating. Then I’ll silently walk away.

Two of them actually ended because of death or tragedy. This reason for divorce is beyond our control. It takes a very negative toll on love and you both descend into the black hole of loss. Be sure to get help and climb out of it before you try to be in a relationship again. Otherwise, you’re offloading that grief onto someone else that doesn’t deserve it. You have to heal yourself with professional help.

There aren’t very many reasons to feel guilty about divorce. Life happens and it’s all difficult. Of course, this is my opinion from fifty-six years of observing humans and myself. Most couples do divorce after their kids are grown. And then sometimes they decide they are friends and get back together again. But the basis of any relationship needs to be friendship. Monogamy and marriage are a good idea when you’re reproductive age and having children. Your kids need both parents present if indeed they are present. Of course, the structure won’t work if one parent is busy being a workaholic or some other addiction. Then it’s all fake and harmful for the children. Still, you can try.

The balance of power between women and men outside of monogamy will only work if both are in complete freedom with their body and sex life. No more double standard. Also, the romantic fantasy needs to take a hike. Women are responsible for their feelings and men theirs. We no longer “make each other feel…”. The other day my friend advised, “Don’t be a nurse or a purse.” That can go both ways with a man or a woman! Meaning, seek interdependency, not dependency. When you’re married and monogamous, having a family, you’re dependent on one another. That’s just a reality but will end when the children are grown.

There is no expected possession, dependency or monitoring after monogamy. That’s parental behavior. I like monogamy but it should flow naturally out of what you feel, not rules, and is really only required when there are children involved. It should not be an expectation otherwise. I can’t remember a time when I did not hold this as a value. Even as a child I would express this kind of thing to my mother and she’d just snicker. I just believe in freedom, love, and creativity. If you have some emotional heavies to deal with, seek out a counselor. Don’t offload on family or friends. I think being too heavy or negative can ruin relationships. Everyone is at different levels with this but running more positive and less toxic energy should be at the ratio 85/15. I mean, a minor complaint or little fit is no big deal with a friend or lover but an ongoing heavy emotional habit or dysfunctional addiction is a relationship killer. There is no winning on that one. You must both be taking care of yourselves, yourself or you’re not desirable. That’s a no-brainer.

There is no rational point of marriage or monogamy after you’ve been married and had kids. There is no point of marriage and monogamy if you don’t want children. Every family ends at some point or should if it’s healthy! Otherwise, no one is growing and changing. I notice the women have a stranglehold on the men and the men have become dependent and couldn’t live without the woman. That’s a bad deal for men. Men can learn how to take care of themselves too! What happened to women being empowering for men in return for men being supportive of women? It needs to be a two-way street. Encouraging male dependency is not cool. Coddling a male or doing things for him that he can do for himself is very dysfunctional. I hope, as a culture, we realize that marriage, monogamy and falling in love has a biological function but after that, socially, it doesn’t usually work.