brought to my knees


Rumi Water

“I have been driven many times upon my knees by the overwhelming conviction that I had nowhere else to go. My own wisdom and that of all about me seemed insufficient for that day.”― Abraham Lincoln

Sometimes memories go deeply away into the unconscious like a rabid dragon.

But sometimes they rear their grotesque head and fill my colorless brain in the morning.

My 16-year-old son, coming in the front door and dropping to his knees, weeping, after seeing his Dad for one of the last times before he died. They had a little sacramental exchange showing they were bonded forever head to heart.

It’s four years extinct but there is a harrowing rock between my throat and my heart that wells up bereaved tears into my eyes and makes my mangled heart break, wondering where all the music in the house went? His dad was a musician. And what of my son’s future without his father?

Three months later my fiance died, dropped to floor at the hospital from the flu and never came back awake. I felt like I was going to die standing there. I felt my fledgling spirit try to leave my body. Some friendly phantasm kept me there and I just went into numbing shock while a hospital helper offered me an innocuous sandwich. I thought I was going to throw up my soul. How could she offer me a sandwich? It was very odd to me.

Why am I even still here?

Death is always around me but I am full of Life. What vortex do I live in that protects me in this fragile dimension? My own.

A prophetic, intuitive one that takes great joy in serving my fellows and honing my vital body. Still, that doesn’t stop the sudden onslaught of being brought to my knees with grief and awe at what I’ve been through but still alive.

Well, part of me is not. Part of me died with them.

The death of someone you love is not something you get over it’s something you live with and becomes part of your saliferous breath. Life is not a happy merry-go-round for most of us and there’s no point in pretending.

 

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Don’t Make Any Promises


GIFT from Raul for my birthday 2017

Flesh together…

Music playing in wide, open, complex harmonies,

Refulgent breeze brushing your pungent thighs,

Kisses as warm and true as the sun,

My breath is your breath

Just don’t make any promises because tomorrow comes

And everything changes on the turn of a dime.

Don’t yearn for anybody but yourself because you are all you’re assured of.

Attach to that.

Don’t say “No.” to me because I’m right.

People disappear within minutes as do things of Earth.

It is true folly to hold on tight to anything or anybody.

Just let go, let the wind blow,

And don’t make any promises to me.

3/24/19

“I Love You”


hot-fudge-brownie-with

Mmmm, brownies are so good…for a while.

What some people mean by “I love you” is that they are envious, jealous, and covet everything you’ve worked hard to become, and paid an earthly price for. It’s kind of like a brownie you want to eat. You don’t love the brownie, you want to consume and use the brownie for the sugar high, for free if possible. And then you hate the brownie when your sugar crashes.

Then the claim of inspiration comes when really it’s competition. “You inspire me so much! Thank you.” You know they feel uncomfortable or competitive around you if you never hear from them and they don’t want to hang out with you. And if you do hear from them with a smile on their face, they eventually start ripping away at your soul with their addiction self-hate to try to bring you down. Or the conversation turns to offload and they want you to listen to everything about them and refuse to balance the conversation by asking you how you are and listening to you, realizing that you are a human being with needs. As long as it’s back and forth, it’s not offloading. Friends need each other to listen to each other sometimes. I only have two friends like that and they are both men. No women will be reciprocal friends with me and reach out to me. I always have to reach out to them and I’m not doing it anymore.

There is no short cut through others to loving and knowing who you are. I’m not eating that brownie. Once a month I might, but not usually. Loving yourself starts with making the choice to eat nutritious foods and making choices that are good for you because you value your body and your life. That includes being around people who reciprocate because they are capable of caring.

misconceptions about strong women


load the star

Strong women have been broken and usually ripped to shreds and used by family, death, life, employers, and the opposite sex and don’t sink to the bottom, use others cynically or crack up. They remain open, brave, active warriors on this very difficult planet that says “Love” all the time but doesn’t do it. They do it and it bears fruit. They understand that forgiveness is for their good, not the abuser and they don’t feel one bit of guilt about it.

The misconceptions are:

We are independent, not interdependent

We are not usually independent we are interdependent. Interdependent means we depend on others and they depend on us. We count on the people we live and work with to do self-care also so we can depend on them when we need them. We take care of ourselves so they can depend on us when they need us. This creates trust and function. It’s called adult reciprocity.

It’s harder for a man to live or bond to us

It’s impossible for a weak man to even get our attention. We are attracted to strong, self-contained men and there aren’t very many to choose from. What is weak? Poor health, poor looks, poor hygiene, poor social skills, bad teeth, poor finances, wears a baseball cap all the time, wears a suit all the time, wears sunglasses all the time, hides behind religion, cares about his orgasm more than mine, looking for a hook-up, no relationship skills, doesn’t respect women or to spend friendship time with one, believes women have their place, feels women are too controlling.

It’s exceptionally easy for a good, strong, interdependent man to live or bond with a strong woman because she’s trustworthy. Is he? She’s always there for herself and others so she’ll be there for you. You can’t really take advantage or get one over on her and she has no time to control you because she’s busy controlling her own life. Sounds sexy to me.

We need others less than most people

The truth is we really struggle to find women who aren’t jealous or won’t compete with us, who love and like us and care about our struggles and weaknesses and who haven’t sacrificed themselves lock, stock, and barrel to a spouse or family or latched themselves to a partner that defines them. We have fewer friends than most people because we tend to be dissed by most women and men so the truth is, we need people more. We also tend to invest a large amount of energy in our work.

We’re high maintenance

We are high maintenance for ourselves, not for others. Egotistical women are high maintenance. Strong women expect the most from themselves, not from others. We don’t usually expect anything from others unless they love us, understand us or offer. It’s very rare that anyone does. We’re actually the lowest maintenance person because we take care of ourselves…all the time. We actually have no choice given our values of integrity and how broken we’ve been by being kind to those that hate themselves and are looking to get, get, get, and take, not give.

We’re bitches

Strong women are confident, kind and liberal. They are not cruel and controlling. Strong women are the most loving, kind, empathic, considerate people I know and because we’re not centered in ego, others think we’re foolish or chumps. Wrong. Egotistical women are bitches and sit in their woundedness, getting revenge when they can. That’s weak. There is nothing worse on the planet than a cruel, foolish, ignorant woman. Strong women want to empower others and themselves with their work and believe in the gifts of the spirit.

We’re selfish

If you define selfish with a capital “S” then we are always working to be sitting in our Higher Self. We won’t let negativity, resentment, the past, and followers bring us down or dissuade us from our mission. We tend to be leaders and entrepreneurs. Selfish with a small “s” are usually women still stuck in their adolescence developmentally for whatever reason. It’s important for men to think about their previous relationships and decipher whether she was selfish and not project that onto a strong woman.

Strong women spend a lot of time alone because we need to replenish our energy from the joy of giving to others and taking care of ourselves at the same time. Most of us are never lonely and enjoy being single. That is the case for me. We welcome friends or partners that won’t compete, be jealous, try to put their thumb on us or break our backs to make themselves look bigger but we usually do end up alone while everyone climbs the human dog pile to see if they can get to the top and snag the trophy that means nothing to us.

brave or broken?


broken_heart1Sometimes broken passes for brave when in truth, every day you live with a full cup at the feet of a Universe that loves and watches over every one of us equally and asks us to always have an open heart to serve our fellows. In the end, we are all ONE. It’s ok to be broken. It’s the heart of a warrior. Respect is called for, not pity.

my experience working in the Catholic church


“The Ryan Commission published its 2,600-page report in 2009. Despite government inspections and supervision, Catholic clergy had, across decades, violently tormented thousands of children. The report found that children held in orphanages and reformatory schools were treated no better than slaves—in some cases, sex slaves. Rape and molestation of boys were “endemic.” “

Abolish The Priesthood

My book “Healer” documents my experience with a priest that I worked with in 2009-2010 to add to the pile of testimonials. Priests harass women too.

Here is an excerpt from my book, page 210-211. This is the section where I outlined how the priest I worked for was hitting on me and the other women in the parish so I filed a report to the Grand Rapids Diocese and resigned. I tried to get a lawyer to take my case and no one would touch it.

I rattled his cage the day he fired me with an e-mail letting him know that he was not in control of the whole thing. The content of my e-mail was this:

Nothing that you’ve done or the diocese has done to me is “in Christ.” Don’t ever use his sacred name in communicating with me again. You are all a sham and a fraud; in critical need of a heart transplant if you even have one. My heart has been ripped out because I actually loved my musicians and my kids (choir) and they loved me. For the fact that I feel my constant connection to people, I am grateful. You have no power over that. In fact, you have little if any power over anything. I don’t want you or your secretary to touch my things. I want your receptionist to get them (I e-mailed her) and (my friend who I named) to bring it to me. That is what is to be done.”

He was not able to do Mass the next weekend after he let me go. Another liturgical musician in the area who I talked to on the phone said, “Whatever you said rattled his cage.” Good! He was voluntarily in a cage. I’d like to shake it some more and throw away the key.

I was free. I did not take this lying down—literally. I find it unbelievable that men in high places continue to get away with their behavior toward women and children. The universe has my back and the back of every woman and child who has been taken advantage of by repressed men working in institutions and the hierarchies that shore them up. The repressed sexual urges that come to the surface prove that institutions organized by people will never usurp the power of Nature! The Church has long gone against the proclivities of The Earth and women, and it will not stand. We need to be equal in power in the home, in the church, in government, in all human institutions or those institutions can cease to exist! That’s fine too. I know many women abuse their power as well, but because most men have more physical power than women, are shored up by the patriarchal boys’ club, and have a harder time controlling their mind and body, it’s an issue.

At the end of this debacle, my marriage and career were in shambles, and I had nothing to lose, as usual. It was time for me to be true to myself and open the holistic clinic that I had always dreamed of. But it would take some doing and some time. I had time now.

Part way into this, while I was planning my holistic clinic, I got a  call from another priest from a parish south of Grand Rapids that was somewhat hip. I knew this fellow a bit, thought him to be decent, and I knew I could work with him. He called me and asked me to come and interview for this full-time parish position. It was an enormous church, and the salary would have been excellent. I was certainly qualified for it.

My heart was not in it. I was still angry and had not forgiven anyone nor had anyone asked me for forgiveness. I had lost complete faith or inspiration in anything Catholic or Christian and trusted none of it. Also, I had talked to a few liturgical musicians in Grand Rapids who agreed about the atmosphere for women in the Church. They understood. The priest on the phone was disappointed and tried to talk me into forgiving the situation.

Of course, he did not know the details, as far as I am aware, although the particular priest I had worked with had a reputation in the diocese. I wasn’t sure what it was, but I knew he was not held in high regard.

I did not want to work with the Church after all of this. Also, I could not commit to working fifty-sixty hours a week at this large parish, knowing I would be a single mother and have to raise my son by myself because my fallen away Catholic ex-husband was not pulling his weight.

I do believe someone at Aquinas had my back and recommended me for that position, and for that I’m grateful. I just do not support the dogma or policies of the Catholic Church at all. Not only that, I feel the United Nations should shut the Vatican down as an illegal organization. Note that I am not saying Catholic churches should be closed. I love the Catholic laity. The hierarchy is the problem, not the people. The hierarchy harbors pedophiles and predators, and it puts a stamp of approval on abuse of women and does not condone birth control which is terrible for women.

It is an outrage. I wish the parishes would become independent and find their own priests, which would include women leaders.

 

 

a middle-aged, healthy woman gives up nothing during sex; she gains.


zoosk

This article is so interesting as far as the male psyche goes. I had to read several sections a few times to understand it and I still need to mull it over.

Men Lose Respect for Women With Whom They Have Sex

“Some men and many women have been socialized into thinking that the woman gives up something during sex. This speaks to the male’s vision of conquest. He believes that he has said or done something to make the woman give in to him. He knows his true intentions are less than honorable, and so he projects his own internal sense of unworthiness onto the female by saying it is she, not him, who is worthless, easy, fast, desperate, stupid, etc. for falling prey to his advances. This kind of thinking completely strips the woman from having any natural right to her sexual desires and her choice to act upon such desires.”

The men don’t always say it’s the woman. My date felt guilty about himself because we were extremely lusty with each other. I never feel guilty about my body or sex so he was alone in that. But that last sentence is not something I’ve ever allowed but always wondered why my attitude wasn’t going anywhere. The energy would just fall flat so it seems it’s true. We are not empowered as women ruling over our own body yet, fully.

I’m dating on Zoosk again, having learned a few things the first time around with middle-aged men. I’ve had two bizarre dates in one week. The nice part was both men were very good looking, showed up, and we had good talks. The matching theme was they were both still hung up emotionally on past women and felt the woman broke their heart. They barely had anything good to say about her and blamed her for the end of things. I didn’t stand a chance to even start anything with either one of them. So why did they date me? One was just to talk and the other was horny and wanted sex. This was months or years ago and they hadn’t gotten over it. I’ve always conjectured that men get far more emotionally attached in a steady relationship with a woman but my experience with these men proves it. Guys are squishy!

The second thing is they tend to feel guilty about their sexuality probably because it’s so easy for them to just f*k and not be emotionally involved at all. I think they deplore themselves to a certain extent just because it so natural to them. I’ve even conjectured that men prefer to have sex with bad, cruel women because it’s a turn on for a man with low self-esteem which is many of them. They’re not really attracted to happy, lovely women. The younger men who are looking for a mate and mother for his children will look for a woman like that to marry because she is acceptable to his family but then choose a racier, wild woman on the side. It serves his desire for novelty. It’s not that he doesn’t love his wife, it’s that she’s too busy with the kids to be sexually deviant, to keep him entertained, and may not be a lusty type of woman.

Third, they were both pretty depressed, not happy campers. They both hinted at being lonely and talked about their kids and family far more than I did. I am the opposite of all of that so none of that sits well with me with a guy. Now that I think of it, every man I’ve been married to or dated has told me he’s depressed. It’s an epidemic. Not so with women. Women tend to be happy or know how to make themselves happy. I’m happy generally speaking and doing very well single.

“Women are perceived as being a threat simply because of their desirability. One facet to explore would be that the male ego is built upon a need or a drive to conquer, to expand, to be strong, to be dominant, etc and in the end, it is the female whom the male inevitably feels weak to.”

This quote applies directly to a good friend that I really like and am attracted to who is out of state. He’s as much as said this and I’ve been confused by it for ten months. The last thing I’ve ever tried to do with a man is to control him. I don’t have time or desire to conduct a man’s life yet he keeps saying women are so controlling. What kind of women has he been in a relationship with? Weak ones with no life and no ambition, no dreams? Co-dependent ones? I’m looking at that far away in the rear view mirror.

“Men are quite aware of how much we mean to them and this need for us can easily be misconstrued as being a weakness. So what do men do about their weakness? What do they do about things that they feel are beyond their wilful control? They try to deny their vulnerability while forcing their will. Thus women have many rules, stigmas, religious guidelines and laws to ensure that we are kept in a psychological position of subservience. It is no secret that most men do not like to even think of the woman of their affection being with another man. (possession) Fear causes men to manipulate women into denying their feminine desires which in turn causes us to feel guilty and sinful for certain behaviors.”

Nope. Not happening in my world. My male friend has been trying to keep me on a hook in just this way although he would never admit it. We both love each other as friends, spoken! We are both very hot for each other…spoken! We both want to have sex…spoken! But now he says he won’t go there with me because he “never does relationships”. Yes, he has. He told me he’s had two serious relationships with a woman. He’s friend-zoned me but I may have done it first frankly after he cavalierly said, “We can get a room.” The friend zone may as well be the “Twilight Zone” as far as I’m concerned unless I consider him my gay friend even though he presents very straight. Well, I believe him based on what he’s told me and the fact that he’s never been married. I don’t know what’s going on. The short of it is, we have so much in common and are so attracted to each other that we’re not ready to go there yet. I’m cool.

I’m leaving it to lie and getting what I need from other men. I’m not staying on his hook but it doesn’t mean I don’t love him. I do. But I won’t be controlled or denied sexually. No way no how. That’s an empowerment issue for me. Women need sex! Middle-aged women need sex! Are you going to supply it or not fella?

I don’t know if men in the U.S. think this way. I hope not. I do believe we’re coming to a more equitable sense of responsibility as consenting adults. The exception would be the religious men; Christians, who continue to want to be married and “take care of” a woman. This all needs to drop away. My last date was a Christian and he had no conception whatsoever of my humanity and conceiving of me as an independent woman taking care of myself. It was lost on him. That said, he was a very nice guy. Most of the men on Zoosk are Christian which is extremely troubling. That’s not going to work for me at all.

We’ll see. No sex the first date, that’s for sure. The way I’m feeling about my out of state friend who I talked to today, he’s the only one I want right now. Uh oh.

Affinity blogging; Find humor in the crazy situation and set yourself free — joypassiondesire


“My focus is to forget the pain of life. Forget the pain, mock the pain, reduce it. And laugh.” – Jim Carrey This is such a wonderful quote because it takes the edge off the pain. Instead of wallowing in your suffering and feeling sorry for yourself, find humor in this crazy situation and allow […]

via Find humor in the crazy situation and set yourself free — joypassiondesire

I can really relate to this post. In my Deep t.Issue Therapy and Reiki office I try to keep the mood light, smile and laugh. However, my patients are coming in with serious pain, health, and sometimes emotional issues. Once I get into their deep tissue, either talking, stories, or in the case of Reiki, tears start to flow. I am detached as a practitioner but it’s a part of my job I’m learning to accept even though I prefer to have fun.

You see, as much as I agree with Jim Carrey and do it myself, my patients have been through the wringer and I have to walk a tightrope. Every day I have to use my intuition with a patient and modify my approach.

Intuition is Biological


if you're intuitive you're highly intelligent

Sara Griffiths is a writer for The Daily Mail in the U.K. She wrote this article.

Intuition is Biological

Lower exposure to testosterone in the womb gives females an extra ‘sense’

  • Scientists describe intuition as automatic, unconscious thought, while reflexive thought requires conscious analysis and takes more effort
  • A University of Granada-led study carried out a test on 600 students to see whether men are less intuitive than women
  • They looked at the ‘digital ratio’ – an indication of prenatal testosterone levels – that compares the length of two fingers
  • Men have a lower ratio and responded in a more reflexive way in the test, while women gave more intuitive answers indicating intuition is biological

That said, some men have low testosterone and some women have it higher. So, the issue is not gender but testosterone level.

Scientists describe intuition as thoughts that are processed unconsciously and automatically, requiring little cognitive effort, while reflexive thought requires conscious analysis and takes more effort. Intuitive thoughts are considered to be more emotional, while analytical thoughts are more rational.

The last suggestion is incorrect and a false dichotomy. It’s actually been proven that reductionist, rational analysis is slower and less efficient. Intuition is emotional and rational but the person doesn’t indulge in either one. Both of those just flow like a river. The intuition uses the entire brain, both hemispheres, left and right, rational and creative to illuminate reason. Intuition is a high level of reasoning. Intuitive people also have higher intelligence and reasoning ability.

It is repression or denial of emotion that shuts off reasoning ability. Emotions have been proven to be uploaded to every cell of the body via the amino acid peptides. Your body has to read what’s going on emotionally or you could die. If you’re engaging in an activity or thought pattern that is destructive and you don’t allow your body to read it’s emotion in response to it, you’re in danger. Men do this all the time with their bodies and drop over. It’s also part of post-war PTSD. They pump up their testosterone to overstep their intuition and it essentially makes them lose their mind. Of course, women do it to trying to have more power in a patriarchal system. They think that mimicking men will make them better than everyone else but not very many women do because it’s SO antithesis to our natural body flow.

Intuitive thinking is quicker and makes more sense. All men and women need to hone their intuition to increase their intelligence and reasoning ability. It’s a no-brainer. Or shall I say, a whole-brainer?

 

 

 

The Way It Works is…


man and woman

My intuition has taught me…

Talking is easy for women and sex is not. Sex is not superficial for us.

Sex is easy for men and talking is not. Talking is not superficial for men.

Women need sex to grow. Men need talking to grow. Make sure you each have what you need the way you need it. Men love a woman they know they can talk to honestly. Women love a man they know cares about their body and physical health and happiness.

If a man wants to talk to you or keeps calling you to talk he’s probably in love with you, especially if you haven’t had sex yet. Remember, sex doesn’t mean anything to men. They don’t bond through sex the way women do unless they have a mental and heart connection to you.

If a woman wants to have sex with you but not talk all the time she’s probably in love with you or at least loves you. Remember, women talk all the time. It’s superficial to us. Talking doesn’t mean anything to us. The body does; sex does. We bond through sex whether anyone realizes it or not. A man who doesn’t want to have sex with you but wants to talk doesn’t want you to bond to him. He just wants to feel fake bonded to you like a fantasy. That’s actually epidemic right now. It’s offloading to use women to talk and then not have sex with them. He’s probably getting superficial sex elsewhere.

Men don’t deserve to be beaten up for being superficial about sex any more than women should be punished for being superficial about talking. Sex is a male conversation which they can be superficial about or deep. The same is true for women, talking, and connecting. But both sides need to have their needs met. If you use each other there will be karma.