I’m stalking a case for spring in the autumn of my middle age.
My assembled energy is diametrically opposite that of needing the validation of an amassed group of imposters pretending to agree so they can drink together later.
It’s not that I don’t like the group, or that I don’t occasionally have a very dry martini, I just don’t viscerally need the group. They get exhumed energy from each other; even demand it threatening social castigation, as though there would be any real loss there.
I haven’t figured out how to affix myself to a rumbling male in my present condition.
In addition, my mephitic eighteen-year-old son will be moving out of the house soon to go on his way to sow his oats and beans. My peaceful environment is proliferating.
As I think back on the men/mates I’ve adored and who have adored me, as vain as that sounds, it was called love at the time and then it turned into territorial civil war and possessive jealousy.
I’m pretty sure that uncorked behavior is common and some couples like it that way but some don’t. I don’t.
It’s just that, in this new paradigm of sitting in my body and owning myself, that adoration doesn’t feel like it’s all it’s cracked up to be.
It feels as though I’ve forged an alliance with a fawning cat whose nursing by pushing its paws into my chest.
Maybe it’s just the mood I’m in.
When a man starts to adore me he wants to own me, my time, and my body, like a puppy!
That’s been my experience with every man I’ve been with except this last guy I dated. He left me in the dog house neglected, but at least he didn’t bug me. I know there are all the ideas about giving your mate the space they need, but then the real emotions of amorous desire creep in.
“I want you”, “I adore you”, “I need you”, “I love you”, “I miss you” becomes a medieval prison!
I used to think I wanted to be adored by a man with high self-esteem and all the pheromones I need to be turned on, but now I’m not so sure.
I love my life, my work, my friends, and my home. Maybe all of that adoration would be oppressive! I’d have to respond after all or that would be rude.