Essay; Compromise With a Partner You Value

man and woman talkingThere is much talk lately about never sacrificing yourself in an intimate relationship with a lover or a partner. I agree that it never works to lie or to give up so much of your time and what you want and need to do with your body and energy that you become very unhappy.

I’m single, dating, totally getting healthy and feeling my goddess core after having been to hell and back with men and babies dying; four altogether. I have a wonderful son who is twenty. He’s a fabulous man and trying to figure it out as we all did at twenty. As I look for a new partner at the age of fifty-six the landscape and reason for mating is completely different and has completely changed. The younger men don’t even hesitate now to let me know of their interest and I actually really like younger men…as lovers and friends. They are far more open-minded and less biased. But as a mate? I’m truly leaning toward someone my age so that we can support and understand one another.

It seems to me that mating is now more about friendship, cooperation, and helping one another for the second half of our lives. The libido is there and there has to be an attraction but in no way is sex the same because I can’t get pregnant. It’s a big deal and huge incentive to stay mobile, hip, and sexy. As you age you really do need more help, more muscle, and a helpmate for different reasons instead of raising children.

However, there is a big difference now between giving something up of my single life habits in middle age and the sacrifice for my family in my youth. You realize this might be your last hurrah with mating love; real love; not love based on societal marriage and children which is based on family norms and proscribed roles. Love in middle age is completely free. No one has to approve of you because you’re going to have children together.  You’re not going to merge immediate families necessarily. You can if you want, I suppose just out of habit, but there is no obligation to. It doesn’t matter what anyone thinks; at all. There are no expectations on any front because you don’t share DNA with children.

When you value someone’s presence in your life, you let go of a habit or activity and compromise because you want to not because you have to. So there is no more sacrifice. It can be unconditional love. The fact of the matter is, when you have a spouse and children, you HAVE to do certain things. There is no choice whether you like it or not. Honestly, becoming a parent does require sacrifice which is very worth it, is extremely hard but it ends and many people are left alone in their house. Some people hate it. I love it! I really enjoyed having a family but I love my own life too and have been pondering whether I’d want to give up pieces of it for a new mate.

I’d be willing to adjust if I really loved and valued my partner and knew that we were reciprocating. There is no way I’d fall into my old role of jumping when he needed me, jumping when my son needed me, cooking when they’re hungry. Nope. Once in a while, I might but not if I don’t feel like it. There would also be much more space in our togetherness because you really do treasure your alone time after you’ve had a family. The quiet is really priceless.

4 Replies to “Essay; Compromise With a Partner You Value”

  1. Compromise is indeed a part of any relationship, romantic or otherwise. I’m willing to compromise in some areas, less likely to in others. I have to be careful not to give in to someone else’s wishes just to appease them. If I do that too often, I start to lose who I am as a person. You’ve touched on that in what you’ve written.

    I wish I could say I’ve been successful in my seventeen years of being single, but I will be able to say I’ve learned a lot about what to do and what not to do. In my case, I’ve been the one to call an end to seven of the eight relationships I’ve been in….I don’t know if that says more about me or the women I’ve dated…or perhaps the relationships lasted exactly the amount of time they were supposed to in order to learn what each of us needed to learn.

    I appreciate your frank discussion of such matters as these.

    David Lee

    1. I’m the same way in relationships. I give too much and it’s not reciprocated. I learned about appeasing a long time ago. There’s none of that.

  2. In any relationship compromising will take place no matter what but it only becomes a problem when only one party is always compromising and the other is not even meeting half way and according to stats women are the most who are compromising that’s why women are considered as one’s who keep the relationship flowing.

    1. Yes. And that’s a HUGE problem and is stopping gender equity. The thing is, women can stop doing it and when they do, the men will flounder unless they learn to love and respect women as well as pleasing her sexually. I don’t see men doing that and it could be the end of all of us. Men have to come up in consciousness.

Leave a Reply

%d bloggers like this: