Essay; The Attraction Has Set In

Two days after our date, on Sunday, the attraction and longing set in for both of us, at the same time. This is very common I know. I’ve been physically and emotionally attracted to a few men, not a bunch. It’s still this amazing mind trance. I worked really hard to observe myself this time and noticed that it’s no different than when I was sixteen and super attracted to my first boyfriend. What has changed over the years is “my type”.

I’ve also noted that who I rationally think I’m attracted to based on upbringing or social bias that I’m not completely conscious of is not who I end up being smitten by. This fella is white again. I have a definite bias against my own culture as you may see from my posts on here. In my value system, I adore the black culture, values, and its communities and arts and also find Hispanic men to be super foxy and value the same thing there. My last lover was a black man and I enjoyed his company very much. He went into the Marines.

But now, here I am, very turned on by a fiery, strong, smart, nice white man. I honestly would not have guessed. It feels like my body is doing it and as you know, I follow my body. So that caught me off guard. What we have happening now is “out of sight, out of mind” on his part, it seems. I could be wrong.

We both wanted to see each other last night; second date. I could not sleep and texted him, “I can’t sleep.” and he asked why. I did not say because I want you. I said, “I’m not sure.” We got into a chat and then he said, “Come to my house up here,” so he said it first! I said, “I want to.” But we both had to work the next day and it was too late at night and he was away up north some miles. Still, mutual desire and longing were confirmed. When I said, “No, I can wait. I have to work tomorrow and it’s late,” it went silent and I have not heard from him no matter what I say in a text. I call that the male drama. He’s suffering? Or…he’s back on Zoosk looking for temporary solace with someone else? He “has” to see me. Ok-what is THAT? Guys get like that. Women don’t. I don’t! I’m not emotionally needy of a man. I just feel his PULL SO strong and want to give him what he needs which is my body and physical presence because it makes me feel better too.

It reminds me of my son when he was little and he’d have to be ON MY BODY while I was talking on the phone. As a  mother, it made me feel better to let him. It feels like it’s pulling from my soul like we already know each other. I can put a stop to it though now that I’m older. The men pulling on us is really something! We usually give in because we know you need our energy. It’s when you start to get demanding or take it for granted that makes me irate. I haven’t felt that toward a man in a long while and I won’t again.

I’ve got this figured out about guys. They need the physical merge to seal the deal, to prove the haps, to make their feelings known, to circle their wagons, to make sure you know they dig you and so you can prove you dig them by giving them your sexual energy, as a woman. I absolutely know this. It is NOT the case for us as women. Nothing physical seals anything for us except maybe a ring, as Beyonce says. I hate this video. hahaha. Rings are fine for women who are reproducing.

Our radar or guydar, our inner voice, our male GPS says, “Go THIS way,” very strong and then we go. LOL. Our feelings seal the deal for us. And then our feelings turn into heart knowing and that turns into rational assessment so we are analyzing the whole deal from the beginning with men because we VERY strongly know which of you males we want to share our sexual energy with and who we do not. You need to respect this aspect of women. Most of us if not all of us are this way and usually we can’t explain it.

The mysterious thing for us is how certain men can steer us to them and “want us” and certain men are SO easy to ignore even though they pull on us. It must be their eyes and pheromones. With that, sure enough, he resembles my son’s father who I successfully reproduced with. He was Scottish-English and he died in 2015. But there might be something in my DNA, thus my brain that told me, “Go to him.” And now I totally want to go to him and likely I will. He’s not like my ex at all in terms of personality but there is something overwhelmingly familiar about him and super attractive. We’ll see.

Maybe what we receive from males is the opportunity to give our love, which we have so much of, to someone that truly needs it and wants it. Women really do have a lot to give and most of us need to love someone or something but that needs to include ourselves. It seems like they are the object of our attention (not women) and we’re the subject of everything.