Compelled to Love

Why do you resist feeling compelled to love me?
I have never felt anything so strange in my life,
As though summer turned to winter or the countries
south of the equator were now north of the equator.
It’s unnatural and strange.

I feel compelled to love everyone I meet.
I don’t expect everyone to be that way
It’s just the way I’ve always been because
It feels natural to me.

Yet no matter how kind I am to you or how much
we have in common, you remain detached from me unlike at first.
You saw that you couldn’t control me and lost interest.
Or, I’m not supposed to be kind to a black sheep,
Which is what you’ve called yourself.

You love your little cocoon of darkness.
I think you’re attached to that cocoon and have built a habitual,
Impenetrable world around being a rebel, closed, badly behaved,
And throwing the finger up every chance you get
Just so you don’t have to do the work of defining yourself… yourself.
The family is in charge. That’s easier and boring.

Oh, and there is no God.
That’s easier too because then you have to
make everything happen alone and there are
no messy details about cooperating or being accountable.

It’s ultimately lazy not to love yourself and others
and instead, react to every damn thing you disagree
with, in middle age no less!
It’s actually downright repellent which is just what you want;
more hate which is the only thing you express about the world.

But those who agree with you or laud you get a big… pink… heart.
For that reason, I don’t want to agree with you.
The world would be a perfect place if you were in control, right?
You’re not in control. You don’t even control or like yourself.

No. I don’t respect you anymore because you don’t love anyone
that’s different than you yet you pretend you love justice.
It’s fake! You’re just full of bullshit no matter how smart you are.

I’m done.
And this time, I don’t feel compelled to love you…at all.
Does that make me a hater?
It feels like it.

I guess if we need someone to love us back,
It isn’t really love at all.
Only fully loving ourselves and others
Unconditionally is real love because the Source is inside.
I’m thinking we need to just do this compromised
level of love down here and lie about it,
Not the ideal one.

I may have to dumb it down this year and play along with indolence.
Just let myself be wrecked and keep writing
And let someone else try to love better than me. Good.
Let me just see if evil can win. That’s what everyone believes.
I’ll test it.

I’m pretty sure I’ll cry garbage on all the left-wing resistors
With their utopian fists in the air.
They’re no different than the right-wing who do the same thing;
Politics doesn’t fix anything.
It doesn’t seem like Love does either…
unless the majority are doing it.

But it might not be a quantity in numbers thing.
©Lisa K. Townsend, 4/16/2018

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