I’m fifty-six. My twenty-year-old son says, “Mom, you’re such a hippie”. Well, sort of. The birth years for hippies are 1945-1965 so I was born at the tail end; in 1963.
But if you sat in the middle west in a Christian church, surrounded by white people and Republicans, you didn’t get the hippie memos about loving each other. You only got the memos about marrying a nice girl or guy, only having sex if you’re married, only having sex to breed children, sex is generally sin because the body is sinful, anal sex is sinful, earn money, wives be submissive to your husband, and obey your parents. I’m sorry, but you’re not hippie material.
I never thought I was a big hippie but here I am, totally holistic, spiritual, having set aside my Christian upbringing, healthy, happy, into free jazz, educated, mouthy, empowered, and I want to have sex every day and enjoy it! All that happiness and freedom-yes, I guess I am a late-stage hippie. I know all about responsibility. I have a mortgage and bills, a child, and work. That’s all a joy to me because I’ve created a life I love and I’ve always been monogamous. I can barely juggle one man let alone several!
So, what is the emotional hang-up of men my age that want to get married? Why would you get married in middle age when you are no longer going to have children? For men; status. It’s a measure of success that you’ve been happily married and have well-adjusted kids. The point of marriage is for the woman to corral a good man to be the father of her children in her child-bearing years. Otherwise, there is no good reason to be married. Love is not a reason for marriage. Marriage is only a legal contract. If love was the reason for marriage the divorce rate would not be so high. Millions of people are in loving, monogamous (or not), relationships and love each other. Marriage functions for the security of the childbearing woman and their children in a patriarchal system and that’s it.
Men who want to get married a second time “to fix” the failures they think they made as a husband and father are barking up the wrong tree. First of all, it’s not all your fault. It takes two to tango. Second, you need to let the past go. You can’t fix it, you can only learn from it. Third, your time is better spent learning how to love. No doubt, part of the reason your marriage failed is that you did not love your mate or yourself.
Real love is attentiveness, kind tone of voice, affection, patience, communication, expressing how you feel, nurture, empowerment and freedom to be yourself. Not because the Bible tells you to do it but because Life shows you that. It’s IN you. Mates are supposed to learn from one another and be good students to one another! That’s one of the main reasons for the bond.
I don’t plan on getting married again. Middle age women usually don’t. If you want to get a good woman’s attention, take care of yourself, express your feelings, be willing to learn how to heart bond, and prepare yourself for a lot of happy sex because there is no chance of pregnancy for the woman. We are finally free!