Healers heal themselves, they don’t heal others. We can share our work with others though so they can be about taking care of themselves also. Healers are authentic, living examples of how we can step out of our subconscious imprinting from parents, family, and provincial upbringing to create our conscious mind and live a truly free life of our choosing. We also know how to access the information in our unconscious mind through the dream state. The unconscious mind transcends the intellect, brings forward intuition and allows it to MANIFEST in physical! The information in the dream state, where there is no thinking, is available to everyone.
You’re not necessarily in a relationship just because you have sex.
What I’m seeing men do is, instead of doing a series of hook-ups, they decide to be monogamous with one woman. Then the assumption is that is a relationship. No, it’s not; not if you don’t have feelings for one another. It’s just an ongoing hookup which is not a relationship.
You’re in a relationship if you have an ongoing friendship, you care about one another, and you hang out and go out, you love talking to one another, you help each other out sometimes and you eat together. That might include sex, it might not. It might be intermittent sex or not. The man or woman’s sexual behavior does not define the parameters of what a relationship is.
It’s time for women to step up and speak up! We need to accept that sexual communication IS a relationship to men and they don’t understand anything much deeper or how to go about it. Women understand emotions and bonding moreso and absolutely need to mix that in with the sex. But we still should not let the man say, “We had sex so you’re my territory.” Maybe you’re just dating. Sex is just part of dating.
Women are territorial sexually as well but my point is, the emotional friendship bond is what really creates an ongoing relationship; not sex. That should be perfectly obvious given how many people have hook-ups and it means nothing. For that matter, sex doesn’t define marriage either.
Dogs or gods?
Who could resist that adorable puppy coming running toward them for attention? There ya have it. That’s the curse women are under with cute men. I’ve interviewed women and they agree. When a man is really cute he’s very hard to resist! It’s terrible. We just want to love em’ up and feed them, make up a dog house, let them stay over, oh geez, on and on and it does us in. There goes the peace we need as females and space to take care of ourselves and get our work done. We really need to learn to resist this instinct!
True to form, I learn something every day about women and men, our basic natures, and realize there were many things I was not taught growing up. Can you relate to that moment someone close to you said something off the cuff and it stuck in your head? That was the case for me with my second husband Dave (my son’s father). He was walking up the stairs one day after a normal conversation and he looked at me and said “We’re like dogs. Men are like dogs” Some men are fancy dogs, or rich dogs, or bad dogs, or good dogs, or work dogs. Some are both! Some are crazy dogs or funny dogs, sexy dogs or sweet dogs. You get the idea.
If you read my blog regularly you can guess I looked at him with disbelief and derision. In no way was I going to accept that as an excuse for his behavior. Nor had I ever entertained a career in dog training or dog breeding by letting a man live with me. I’ve never even owned a dog and don’t want to because I’m consistently told that they are like having another child! Children need to be patted on the head and encouraged, praised with kind words, fed, loved, and kept warm and more. I already did that with my son. I don’t need to do that with a man or a dog. It’s a turn off to me to think about treating a man like a dog. But now I’ve been mulling it over.
I can say with assurance that I have always worked toward and considered myself a goddess as opposed to dog food. In no way have I ever fed my body to a lusty man to be consumed because he’s hungry. I think most women do though! They accept it! It does feel good and women most definitely have the instinct to feed men but it will kill your self-esteem and is not emotionally good for women.
On the other hand, men love those superheroes and I know for a fact they have a rich fantasy life about what great warrior heroes and magical powers they might possess. There’s nothing a man loves more than seeing a woman look at him sincerely as her hero. It’s not that a woman wants or needs to be rescued. We really don’t. But sometimes we definitely do need protection in a very rough world. Sure, IronMan to the scene! I’m good with that and Robert Downey Jr. is a major hottie. A man who is a god can be recognized as truly wanting and respecting an intelligent woman who takes care of her own business. He takes care of his own business so he isn’t bothering her like a little kid and her in the role of his mother. No thanks. He also takes care of his health and teeth so he pleases her physically and of course, she does the same. Most of all, he likes himself and has matured to point of being able to listen and care about how a woman feels.
So I can honestly say I’ve decided I am looking for a man who knows he really IS a god just as I know I am a goddess. It’s an awareness of the divinity within us; one with us and is the goal of the Spiritual movement. You won’t find it in religion and I’m guessing they find it heretical. Spiritual people are not saying we are God. We’re saying that our identity is an ascending child of God which is a god or goddess. We’re working on ourselves to get better every day. Every single human being has this in them; in our blood which is our QI, or consciousness. I’m not the goddess I want to be or know I can be yet but I’m almost there and it has nothing to do with age. That will be the subject of another blog.
Intimacy; How Do We Move From Lust to Love?
Do you know the difference between lust and love? I’ll go with the hard one first; Love. Love is when you want to take time to really know someone, to care about how they feel, what they need and what makes them tick. You want to be their friend. Friendship is the basis of all lasting, lusty, good relationships. It takes time and maturity to grow. Lust is everything else. Anything that’s not love is lust. Lust is the emotion behind most human interactions and has the face of greed, trolling on Facebook, offloading on strangers and the like. If you have no foundation of care and face-to-face friendship with someone you are indulging in instant gratification lust and there is nothing loving about it.
This issue has been challenging for me. I’m a very passionate, physical woman and have no problem lusting after men who are very attractive to me. I don’t act on it; it’s just fun. My personality and values are all about love. There isn’t really any other material thing I lust after; unless I’m really hungry. then I lust after food.
That’s a good segue because food hunger is almost exactly like sex hunger in the brain. And notice how many people overeat when they just need some love, affection, and sex. We’re looking for a serotonin spike and some other juicy brain chemicals that make us happy. I know I am. Food doesn’t come close to making me happy the way intimacy and love does. I don’t even like bothering to stop and fix food because I’m busy with my projects, writing, chores, things I love to do! Why do I have to stop and eat? I’ve always been like that. I’m not terribly fond of slowing down.
Now we see a problem here; denial of human need when you know it’s not likely to be easily fulfilled! I’ve been married three times to great men and had several great boyfriends. I’m still not satisfied. They weren’t perfect or didn’t satisfy me the way I really want to be. They didn’t make my brain and body explode with orgasmic happiness, although my last mate Michael came close. He loved me…really, really loved me and I loved him. Love is the sexiest thing going. Then he died suddenly. That’s not helping the situation. Love is definitely tragic.
It makes me wonder about eating disorders. If you take that denial of the need for love, warmth, and affection far enough it would make your brain or specifically, the hypothalamus gland stop craving food. So the emotion of lust would be good at this point versus the emotions around deprivation.
I’m not into deprivation at all but I am sorely afraid of loving a man, pulling him to me, and pushing him away because I need to be alone with my ideas, my mind, my life, my work, and my writing. I don’t want to hurt him. There has to be some intimacy and some time shared with your loved one or they will go away. I hate that.
I think I’ve stayed in lust mode in my brain because I’ve lost too many people I’ve loved. It’s like a car idling. My life isn’t idling but my feelings about bonding in a relationship are definitely idling. Maybe I’m stuck in lust gear because it’s emotionally safer. There is no risk of having your heart ripped out and stomped on the floor by death and life itself if you don’t go into love gear and really start driving.
Men are Dramatic in Action and Women are Dramatic in their Speech
How many bazillion times have you heard a guy say “No drama!”? They act like they give women no drama. Men are over the top!!! Men get emotional physically and sometimes verbally. Their actions are too dramatic. That’s the testosterone and they put WOMEN through the wringer not being able to calm down their testosterone or my favorite, being so confused about how to relate what they want to us that they send dual-minded, conflicting signals. A lot of women think they’re lying but half of the time I think they just don’t know what to say…literally.
Women are more dramatic in expressing themselves verbally. Women are actually brilliant at expressing themselves verbally and men are FOREVER telling us to be quiet and stop being so dramatic. I fucking hate it nor will I obey. I find men and women to be equally expressive emotionally but in these two different modes.
Next time a man says to you, “Cut the drama” when you’re speaking and expressing your feelings, bring down the curtain on his ass regarding how his actions are overdramatic expressing HIS feelings. He can “cut the drama” too. Sheesh!
Essay; A Woman’s Ego
I originally blogged this on August 26, 2013; 6 years ago.
The book I wrote, “Healer” has a section on bonding; page 240. Like most people, I believe that men and women have a tremendous amount in common biologically. And I really do like most men. However, socially, on Facebook, and in the town, I live in, the more I talk, as a literate person, as an intelligent woman with self-esteem that isn’t a doormat, as a woman who is a small business owner, the more I get called names like “egotistical” and “pathetic”.
So I decided to think about the difference between a woman’s ego and a man’s ego. There are books and articles about a man’s ego all over the place. The “fragile male ego” is well known. But the woman’s ego? Imagine, the “fragile female ego” being bandied about. It’s more like, “New discovery! Women have an ego! Make a flag for them!”
The definition of the ego is a sense of “yourself” or “self-centered”. Everyone starts out at a young age with a natural inborn sense of who they are as a person unless your parents or religion beat it out of you. That’s possible and maybe prevalent, but not healthy at all. People do tend to feel more secure if they agree with one another. It’s curious.
A woman…with a sense of “herself”, pride, dignity, accomplished….well, she doesn’t sound very sexy. Or does she? Why do I assume she has to sound sexy? She doesn’t have to but women want sex probably more than men do. If you described a man that way it’s sexy.
There’s our first red flag. Women are given the message early on that their attractiveness as a potential mate, for the purposes of reproduction, should define their sense of self-worth. Thus the obsession with superficial looks as opposed to a big brain, articulateness, education, in essence, the character Amy Farafowler on “Big Bang Theory” (who I love). It’s just starting to catch on. And we are ever so grateful to Dr. Barbie and Corporate Manager Barbie to serve as a role model for young girls.
Yes, women have an ego. Yes, women have a sense of themselves as an individual. Our needs with regard to education, intelligence, level of respect and pay in the workplace, respect in the home, respect from our sons, access to team sports, et.al are EQUAL to men.
I suppose I’ll spend the rest of my life writing and living an example of a woman with an ego who loves. You can’t love from emptiness. You can’t love if your body is falling apart because you’ve given your last ounce of life force to everyone else. Women can be an example of how to take care of ourselves first and then whoever else we prefer to care for.
Heartset; Wounded Men and the Women Who Take Control of Them Instead of Empowering Them
I guess I thought I might be getting into a rut, defining myself by my work and my private practice but I’m now thinking it’s FAR more important that I focus on that than finding a new mate. I’m not lonely. I love sleeping alone and don’t wax nostalgic over a man stomping up and down my stairs and making noise and a mess in my home. I do like men as lovers (if they know what they’re doing) and friends though so that’s what I was using dating for. The purpose of dating is not for sex and hookups. Sex is no big deal and can be part of it but in no way does it define it, despite the man’s priorities.
But it’s a mess out there. Men are beaten down and have no self-confidence or knowledge to actually date a fine woman. They do hook-ups, sluttily, with women who will let them, risk STDs, decide which woman turns them on the most or reminds him of his ex the most, lets her chain him to a whipping post and hang out in her dog house and call it a relationship. If she looks good hanging on his arm that’s all he needs for his ego. If she gives good head he can tell his buddies at work about it and it’s even better. That’s the state of affairs out there. He doesn’t know what else to do and then she gets to own him at least for a while. It’s truly pitiful.
The princely men, or who I thought were princely men, are slipping through my fingers one by one because they feel they are toads and then act like toads picking up the trollop women. What do I mean? A negative attitude, negative posts on social media, foolish behavior like drinking and driving and driving in a car with someone who has open liquor, smoking, lying, stalking, name-calling, selfishness, promiscuity, and blame. Three of them now. Didn’t I see the red flags? Yes! And thus didn’t go very far with it. I didn’t fall in love. God no. But they all have good traits as well.
Other women who tolerate these men either take advantage of them and use them for sex and a distraction from their own lack of self-determination and intelligence or become their friends. Some of this could be the Pygmalion complex in reverse. Eliza Doolittle in “My Fair Lady” was taken in as a cockney trollop and turned into a princess by Professor Henry Higgins. These days, the beaten-down trollop could be Henry Higgins and Eliza Doolittle would take him in and help him out. Women are far more empowered now. Many men have lost everything, just like many women but the women have people skills so we bounce back better. We also tend to get custody of our children more due to the natural mother-child bond that fathers and their children do not have. Fathers can have a bond to their children but in no way does it compare to the mother and it never will. I know that’s controversial. The tables are becoming even though.
Many men are very threatened by women who make more money than them, are smart, beautiful and successful. They may then find a woman similar to that who is kinder and more vulnerable and caring and take out his rage and usage on her. He’s a victim, by his own admission and the big, bad powerful woman did it to him. Someone has to pay the price and usually the nice women who are compassionate fall in the trap. She’s the scapegoat. There could be layers of dysfunction and pain on the part of the adult wallowing in said pain. They haven’t gotten help or therapy or taken care of themselves. Maybe there is a good reason that their ex doesn’t want them to have any custody of their children. This could be either the father or the mother. Many women have no business being parents either. There is no way for a civilian to know the situation. The courts and social workers scope it out.
What is the lesson here? Compassion for someone wallowing in physical pain and self-pity can bite you in the ass. It doesn’t matter if it’s a man feeling compassion for a woman who is down and out or a woman feeling compassion for a man who is down and out. They need to save themselves and pay whatever price they need to pay to get back on their feet. And most of all, if they call you a friend, friends don’t lie. Lying is the worst. That’s life.
Heartset; Men Blame Women for Giving in to Sex if the Man Really Wants Connection
The men almost always start it up and expect the woman to control the situation so that a deeper relationship might be possible because the men need bonding more than we do! Women rarely get lonely; men do. Then the man needs to control his sexual compulsion and not blame the woman for the direction it goes.
The way nature works; once you start something with a woman we’re going to finish it! Men need to control and FOCUS their sexual fire, like the Sun.
“If a man adores one special flower, he must FOCUS his light in that corner of the garden and breathe. Otherwise, once the sun comes out, all the flowers are going to open. Don’t blame the flower for opening to the Sun. The Sun started it! You can always go behind a cloud or turn to rain! The flower is rooted in the earth and can’t change or move. The Sun can!”
Heartset; Three Types of Heterosexual Relationships
The only one of these that is a real relationship is #3. The first two are sexual objectification. But by most people’s standards, #1 is a real relationship and is considered prison by many men but socially increases his status. Really, any man who prefers #2 will say he doesn’t want a relationship with a woman and will slut himself out to a woman handily. I’ve had male friends tell me that if a man is good looking enough, every man prefers #2 and that a loving relationship is absolutely off the table with the likes of any woman. These men are true immature narcissistic misogynists but ever so common. I guess it’s better then that they don’t mate.
I will admit that much of what I’ve observed about female behavior is societal programming for survival. Nevertheless, I’ve watched this for over fifty years and I believe it’s time for us to make a real leap in gender equity and get past the first two objectifying roles I describe.
- TERRITORY; A married woman, the mother of his children, a wife. They feign love but it rarely lasts as we all know. They are using each other for security and to raise children. There is no real love, the male mostly behaves as one of the children and the wife functions in the role of mother for everyone. This is typically pretty bad for women and good for men. Women get less healthy and men get healthier is what stats show. The reward is the woman has her children. The woman is still objectified and their sex life can easily become either boring or emotionally abusive and neglectful. This one is the outgrowth of religion.
- Hookup; A woman, especially these days, is sanctioned and appreciated by a man as a hook-up, a mistress, a lover, or a prostitute. She then gets roses or money. There is no relationship, no friendship, no respect, no real love at all. There is no emotional or spiritual maturity on the part of either the man or the woman. They’re just using each other for sex. This is defecation sex. When ya gotta go, ya gotta go. They both function at the teenager level emotionally, indulging in their lust and not valuing self-control or bonding at all. This one is the outgrowth of the abuses of patriarchy and materialist society.
- LOVE; Two emotionally and spiritually mature adults function as equals in all respects and truly love one another. This one is rare but is now possible with the shift in the energies on the planet of late. It also underlies the Twin Flame 11:11 phenom and some soul mates. They shoot for living from their core self, have dignity, take care of themselves on every level and are monogamous. It’s not a possession, territory or defecation sex. It’s a true love bond chosen freely by both parties. He is a grown man and she is a grown woman, emotionally mature, loving themselves, no longer living in the subconscious family mind but the CONSCIOUS adult mind that is no longer dependent on the immediate family. This one is the outgrowth of Spirituality.
Women who don’t objectify themselves in a monogamous heteronormative domestic servitude relationship or a promiscuous sexual life feeding men’s sex hunger and apparently their own, with no emotional or spiritual involvement from them as an adult male, are punished or ignored. Her only reward for her dignified choice is self-esteem and sitting in her own soul. Likely, her exemplary work paves the way for exponential competition and jealousy from more timid women beaten down by the system. She will somehow be roundly punished socially by the endless followers who think themselves good people but are really skating by instead of doing the right thing and empowering themselves.
#3 is the only real option for people who value love and still believe in it and want to do it. The challenge is that you have to work on yourself and stop expecting your mate or children to make you happy on an emotional/spiritual level. Sexually, yes, it is the adult’s role to satisfy you sexually and vice versa or there isn’t much point unless you’re both asexual. Some people are and have a different motivation for a relationship other than sex. To each his own!
Heartset; Real Dating Strikes the Fear of God in Men
That’s why so many men want to go to sex right away. They don’t want to show their lack of people skills, expressing emotion, or relationship skills to a woman. Dating is a gray area with no fences, rules or customs that change with passing time. Men thrive with boundaries and go down the tubes if they’re free to roam too much or too long. It’s the time when the female pulls out all of her expertly evolved radar and sizes up a man, checks him with her software and smells him to see if he’s useful for her purposes or worth giving her body to. That is if she’s smart. Remember, every man who comes in you gives you some of his DNA. It’s a scientific fact.
Mind you, a woman at any age can find a use for a man that suits her and we believe, and I’ve been told, men want us to want them. It’s not really the other way around. Men’s egos tell them they’re on top. Most women are easily acceptable to a man, especially if she’s very into him and is adoring. A man’s ego loves that more than anything. Women don’t need to be adored; men do. I’m super doting on a man I adore. It’s fairly nauseating and I can scarcely help it! To a man I don’t adore he doesn’t exist. That can be a heartbreaker but he had his chance to be invaluable to me and didn’t make the cut. In addition, I blogged on how I don’t care for the pressure of being adored by a man.
This is why dating is so awful for men and essential for women. Men really, really, really hate rejection and not measuring up. They have the evolutionary urge to be dominant, especially with women. I personally like that because as a strong woman, I need a break. I need support and someone to match me.
Women don’t experience that obsession with being accepted the same as men. All women I know of every size, look, or creed knows we hold the world together and give it love and life. Women are awesome and everything. So to be fair to men, they have to be given a chance to perform the dance in which they excel during dating; sex. I’m good with that as long as both parties know it’s an experiment not a relationship with commitment and tons of emotional bonding. It’s too early in the game. However, the man’s sexual performance will not impress an intelligent, tuned-in woman unless there is some emotional chemistry. That is non-negotiable and a deal-breaker if it’s absent.
This is a veritable minefield for most men as they do not excel at understanding or communicating emotion at all. It’s too easy for them to fail. That is an awful 4-letter word to a man. A few straight men do get emotions and they are super hot to me but most men are unskilled because feminism has distracted women from bothering with training men. Most women consider it beneath us now and many women just use men for sex. They don’t even want children or marriage anymore.
That’s a choice so I’m not judging it. Patriarchy has been especially hard on women and children but it has also been very hard on men. The elite use and slaughter men, their psyche, and their bodies and they partly program women to help them do it! That’s a subject for another blog but suffice to say, a modicum of dating needs to happen so that the woman gets what she needs and it’s not just McSex drive through which is bad for everyone and society. It’s up to women to ask for what they need as far as relating. Just don’t call it a relationship when you barely know each other! A relationship is built on affinity, friendship, maturity, trust, and emotional bonding; not just sex…at all.
Heartset; “I care about you too but…”
I’ve heard this line from the last five men I’ve dated. I think it’s a MINIMUM expression of emotional involvement, fake or not to try to get sex. Meaning, he’s not going to have any feelings for you UNLESS he has sex with you. I’m not judging that. It’s very male. That’s how feelings come about for a guy…sex. They are a wall when it comes to relational feelings. Women shouldn’t even want relational feelings from a man at the beginning. It’s a black hole. As far as I can tell, they need feelings of lust for a woman or there is literally nothing happening. They may be into you on ALL other levels but if they don’t lust for you they don’t want you. From my observation, they need to lust specifically for your breasts, crotch, or ass. The rest is negotiable. That gets their feelings going.
The problem here for men is, they think if they have major feelings of lust for a woman there could be a relationship. That is the doggone damndest, dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. That’s what gets men in trouble and highly used and thrown by manipulative women.
That’s the compromise for women. We’re relational and intuitive and can know our feelings super easily without sex. That said, sex can ruin our feelings for a guy too if he’s too sexually selfish or just doesn’t “get” us or our body. My feelings evaporate for any man, no matter how princely he is if he doesn’t care whether or not I come. That’s just a freaking abomination to everything alive on the planet. Don’t ever do that, guys!
In addition, don’t insult the life I’ve made for myself by assuming that just because I like you, care about you as a friend and want to have sex with you that I want a relationship prison; either boyfriend/girlfriend or even possible marriage. Just slow down! There has to be some in-between space with a guy. There are lots of gray areas between, “I care about you as a friend” and “I’m very attracted to you let’s have sex.” Don’t assume meanings to any of that and run the other way. It’s up to two people to decide how things play out. You have to discuss it. Again, discussion is not a strong point for men but they have to mature in this aspect.
I think many men are most emotionally comfortable having sex with a woman they don’t really love or care about but just lust for; keeping in mind that they call that a feeling. Like, “I feel like I have to take a dump” feeling. I call it defecation sex. It feels great and means nothing. Generally, they don’t want to have sex with a woman they do care about because that complicates emotions for him that he doesn’t understand and can’t control as well as a woman can. It’s too possible the woman could lasso him without his seeing it coming.
Are his actions loving? Because he can say all kinds of bs just to get laid. I’ve had one good friend admit to me that it is SO easy to lie to women. Just tell them what they want to hear! It’s very easy for them to lie to women because we’re hungry for affection, even desperate and love flattery. We get NO LOVING TOUCH from a man. They are usually takers, not loving givers and that makes many women feel desperate. Women need to reign that in and get more realistic about men and figure out how to take care of themselves.
If a man says he doesn’t want a relationship but lets you know he sometimes does hook-ups, his values are wrongminded or he has low self-esteem. Either that or he’s lying because he doesn’t even do that! It’s no different than a woman who is all too eager and willing to do hook-ups. It’s very common. He’s ambitious then and trying to get something back that he lost; part of his ego, part of his psyche where he thought he understood what real love was. He has conditions on himself. He didn’t think he was good enough. He got hammered by love and commitment and maybe financially as well. Then he has unresolved insecurities from his ex that he hasn’t let go of. In no way is he ready to love a new woman and I’d stay clear. I would say move on then. He’s probably still in love with her if not based on facts or actions on her part, then to kid himself that no matter how horrible she treated him, she still wants him back. Women do it too with men but women find it much easier to move on from breakups than men do because we understand emotions.
It’s all a conundrum isn’t it, this bonding. But we keep trying.
